za za zsu

Butterflies don fly so high
not as high as i am tonite
m lookin for the rite words
but it all jus seems so bland
m searchin 4 my fairy tale
yea it always ends up stale
but trust me m still alive
aint waitin on no goodbye
learnt to wake up from the dead
proud to b a fool yet one more time
somebody kill me n i ll b born again
i cud b the moon eternally romantic
but still the next dawn's gonna b pathetic
don get sober its awfully real
lets live this dream until its over
say that its forever fool me take me over
cos the moon don fly but its still so high
high up in the sky n its been loved forever
pour me a lil more of ur sugar
baby cos m longin for watever
n yes u can go on n fool me
i ve grown up nuff to remind myself
butterflies don fly so high
atleast not as high as i am tonite...

Save the last dance for me

Chasin the moon i lost my shadow
as the sun is settin i c him movin away
its too late its too dark
wat was i doin tryin to fite the moon's ray
But girl now m ready to let go
do u hear ma heart singin so
I give u the best part of me
the only thing i ever had
my lost soul my dormant hope
he s too fragile too naive
handle with care love him tender
n wen i wake up gimme more of that pill
get over ma fever, m too sick of being ill
Look out then cos the hunters bak
stronger than ever, rite on track
there s a new day a fresh sunrise
but not a tear in my eyes
n i said stay strong young lady
as u watch me take home ma baby
n if u ever wonder i set him free
I kno he'd save the last dance for me

gone daddy gone ...

… n yeah I write again .. but this time I am not writing wat I think is rite or rong . I need ur opinion instead. cos I have a feelin m lost in this topic. The question is simple, how do u know he/she is the one for u? Isn’t it funny, sometimes u fall for someone head over heel, think u found ur soul mate and after the rosy days r over, the romance fades away n suddenly u feel like u don even know this person anymore or even worse to hear it from them. How wud u feel if someone u consider the love of ur life tells u mayb we shudve never been together at all? Or find someone u found a not so ur kinda guy/gal to suddenly b everythin u ever wanted. For me the grass is always greener on the other side, I always misinterpret missin something to lovin something, which cud b true but then wen u try to commit me, all I wanna do is run away and want the elusive one. Do every couple in the world stick together after the cant-take-my-eyes-off-u stage jus for the heck of it? Is marriage jus bout commitment or is there even something called love that really exists. Some ppl say they found their soul mate, if finding someone jus like u is the whole point, then y the hell do opposites attract? How long does it attract? Wat happens wen there s no more za za zsu between them.. is it fair to continue cos u promised or is it honest to move away n let them find true love.. n wats that btw? Life’s not one long honeymoon I kno that, so wat else makes a relationship work then .. how do u pin down on one person to stay with all ur life? Isn’t it scary? Jus gimme one thing which strongly decides or made u decide or u think will decide who THE ONE for u is. It doenst have to b rite or rong, its jus wat u think, enlighten me plzzz….

If only I cud turn bak time ...

Looks like i am a fortune teller ... i wrote this lil song in OCT 2004 ... exctly 2 yrs bak .. found it in my comp by chance..

Living without life

…… And my life will come to a standstill
Nothing to do; no where to go
Not a single reason to live
No target to achieve
No ladder to climb
When I’d feel guilty to eat
And too restless to sleep
No work and so no play
Would be numb & cold where ever I stay
When my half dead conscious mocks at me
Would feel like the whole world laughs at me
Thinking of that day frightens me today too
The day when my life would die before I do !!

socially dead virtually alive

An old lady just passed me by, she gave me a weird look and said ‘If I were u I wud b out in the beach havin fun!’ n gave a sweet smile, which I supposed meant ‘instead of sittin in this claustrophobic room talking to ur imaginary friends’.

When was the last time u took a pen and sat down to write on a piece of paper? I almost cant rem wen i did that after those 'eggjams' I hated in skool. I m trying to write now, I kno I have to type this later to get it on in my blog. Truth is our lives are revolving around typing, spellcheks, googling info and using fotoshop. Sometimes i get a desperate need to use control 'f' wen m tryin to search somethin in a book. They say books r the premitive form of dvds. Are we so spoilt n spoonfed today that we choose someone else to picturize a story we r told n refuse to let out imagination do the work. I have been outa the internet for the last 2 days and it feels like a decade outa the universe. But this break gave me time to think bout wats happening. I have read a lot of theories about media affecting socialization n stuff. So very true. I have no links to the world now without a laptop or a mobile. Maybe the effect is more on me cos my life is literally virtual n nothing else. But m sure there r many ppl out there who is like me or atleast getting there. Trust me its not funny wen the only way u get to talk is by typing. I realize that almost all my closest friends were found thro the internet or in contact with me cos of it. Gradually over time my socialization skills have reduced and now its almost shaking my confidence. I thought I was a very friendly person. But now m thinking twice. Really I cant make friends nemore or even sit alone n enjoy nature for a few mins. If m not connected to the world, m like a fish outa water. Gone r those days wen we were kids, hung out had fun had a real life. A telephone conversation is the closest we get to interpersonal communication n now we c every tom dick n harry with a mobile in their hand talking to god-knows-who, even funny wen they have a Bluetooth n seem like talking/engrossed in themselves while they don take a min to smile at the person walkin beside them. Life is so man-made now it seems like jus an illusion. What wud an alien lookin down from another planet think we r doin here.. ‘wat the hell is goin on in this weird planet?????????????????????’

Television doesnt really attract me but we all wud agree, every child today grows up believing wat the TV tells them the world is. Why kids, even u and me, we learn so much from movies and tv. Consciously or subconsciously something from a movie stays up in my head, I have learnt more bout everythin from relationships to crime from wat I watch or wat media projects to me. The society I imagine that I am living in, depends on the kinda media m exposed to and so are my values n principles affected/mended in the long term. When it comes to exposure, sometimes we have a choice n sometimes we jus don’t n sometimes we dono that we have a choice or wat to choose. Media does have its adv, if used in the rite way for the rite thing esp TV cos its so powerful reaching us rite in the comfort of our home. OMG y do I feel like m writing a ‘communication theory’ paper..

....anyways now the question is where is the real society? Or is there one at all? Where is cyberspace? Where r we living? Seems like a bigger mystery to me than ‘creation’ itself. This illusionary world we have got ourselves into .. how long is this gonna last? Or is it gonna get worse, first twas cinema/tv/telephone now its internet/wireless fones, wat’s the next power bomb that’s gonna send us all into a state of total virtual reality. Is this a challenge to God from man? I can create a better world than u Mister!!

ma visit to the NEW orleans

"To build may have to be the slow and laborious task of years.
To destroy can be the thoughtless act of a single day." - Sir Winston Churchill

Mother Nature had a thoughtless day? Probably she’s as impulsive as I am n am sure she s regretting it now n feelin pretty guilty. It was August 29th 2005 n m talking bout Katrina, the deadliest hurricane in the history of US. According to Wikipedia, it is the costliest one too (81.2 billion dols in damage including 90000 sqmiles). 1836 dead, 905 missing and 3 million ppl without electricity. Alright now y am I talking bout this.. I jus had a trip to New Orleans, to b precise Slidell a town in there. Frankly, the first word I can think of is Weird! The place looked deserted, dark and scary. All broken houses open and empty, no lights, no people and open shops with broken n hanging boards. I remember reading and seeing pictures of ppl swimming and looting groceries stores for food. To be truthful, I did not take it seriously. When I see the place after exactly a year and to c its condition now, I can imagine it then! I was taken aback to c a large cemetery that covers an entire road. Mayb I was jus overwhelmed, I usually get distressed even when I hear the ambulance. These r times wen I feel y innocent ppl who have blissful lives have to b taken away wen useless ppl like me r still hanging around happily! But one wud feel its better that way than being homeless and lost, seeing the BROKEN homes. Anyways the city has a beautiful French market and the downtown looks awesome. What a contrast while the houses in Slidell r on wheels (caravan) placed in front of the X-homes which are in pieces now.


I was impressed by a banner in front of one such house that said ‘we will rebuild’, sounded rebellious to me, like a challenge to nature. The entire city seems to b under construction tho, somehow reminded me of good old Chennai… jokes apart.. I am wondering whats happening to the world, n reading up on global warming and sea level rise. Seems like by 2100, its gonna rise beyond what we can imagine. I saw this trailor for the movie An Inconvenient Truth, man it scared me!! Now I dono if I wanna watch the movie or not. Watch the trailor if u haven’t, he talks about Calcutta/Florida being under water in few years and more stronger storms in coastal areas if we keep goin on like this, here s the link http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=2078944470709189270. What happens to beach lovers like me? Well tsunami din scare me, I was rite bak on the shore the very next day….

Frozen chilli

Its been beatin itself hard

Beatin so hard till it bleeds

The oozing blood’s running all over my body

Cant u c its been hurtin me so bad

Beatin n bleedin all over me

U say its gotto b that way

No its diff honey u don understand

Ur alive n dono how it feels otherwise

How funny its still beating n I feel it so well

Wen I cant find ma tongue to talk or ma hands to eat

My skin so numb n cold outside

Like my fake smile and faint eyes

But there’s a flurry inside that’s hot n burning

Am that frozen chilli ur mama asked u not to bite

Cut it if u don trust me, get a lil taste of the hell inside

Now u kno the scars u saw, r jus means not ends in itself

Look at me now can’t u c its jus a hemorrhage within

Cant pretend wen there s a bloody war in there

With peace tattooed on my skin, like I even care

Make it stop pounding n I ll stop gasping hopelessly

I keep telling her its aching, she aint gonna listen

My stupid heart keeps beatin n bleedin….

Swarna
September 2006

Raindrops n Seashore ....

Coincidences don make me believe 

Cos I belive in coincidences

But U made me believe 

A cynic love , an atheist pray.

If  I could change, then anyone may!

I have nothin to do, without u

Its easy to see, I've flown miles away from 'me'!!

Where was I before u came?

Was I alive? Was I the same?

Young or old? Warm or cold?

Rich or poor? I'm not really sure!

Music doesn’t move my soul

My home doesn't comfort

Food doesn’t make me crave 

And sleep doesn't soothe me anymore!!

I keep fallin' in n outta love

As ur smile blooms n fades

Stop playin’ those games with me 

Cos I melt like snow when u shine on me

Are u my soul mate I d been searchin’ for

Or are u jus another coincidence ....

Do I need to see u to know who ur 

Cos I already breathe u every min of every hour 

Do I need to hold u to know ur warm

Cos I already found shelter in ur invisible arm 

Do I need to tell u the words

Cos I know u know that I know that u know

This Insatiable love I got for u

Don even try to satisfy me 

Cos I aint getin nuff 

And its really gonna b tuff

Love lust and desire playing on my mood

Why are these waves, raindrops and breeze actin so rude

Though jus thinkin of u makes me warm

My lonly heart aint getin calm

If its my love for u that makes me long

Lemme know with that beautiful song!!

Swarna

September 2004

............... But all i hear is Blah Blah Blah

Exactly how many ppl have called me blah blah blah wen I m yapping away, its countless. ‘Blah’ is no more an offensive word to me. It is my fav pastime makes me lauf out loud. If ur wonderin wat the hell m blabbing, here s more blah blah 4 u http://www.blahonline.blogspot.com/. We, at Blah, offer an alternative to normalcy and a cure for the boredom created by newspapers. Not that I read any newspaper but that’s y m sure they r a big bore!! I def wud subscribe if blah came out with a newpaper. I wanted to b a journalist wen I was young (n din have a clue as to wat it is!!) Then I wanted to b a feature writer until one day I realised I cant write for nuts. Though I have no idea bout who Blah is except the info on his profile, he/they give me a complex that I can never b that funny!! Boohoo..! Somehow I feel its more like a Chennaized version of Seinfeld (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0098904/ or http://www.seinfeldscripts.com/) , talkin bout nothin/laufin at ourselves/bringing out everyday facts in a humorous way. I think todays post was one of the best http://blahonline.blogspot.com/2006/09/mutton-biryani-or-briyani.html n it made me write about this funny blog which really made an impression on me. Anyways I bet u wanna read the rest of the posts in there than read me crapping bout it here ….

List of my personal fav posts

http://blahonline.blogspot.com/2006/09/sudden-art-attack-in-chennai.html

http://blahonline.blogspot.com/2006/08/captain-discovers-9th-planet-pisses.html

http://blahonline.blogspot.com/2006/08/girl-escapes-harassment-incident.html

http://blahonline.blogspot.com/2006/09/dan-browns-next-book-is-pondy-based.html

http://blahonline.blogspot.com/2006/08/prime-minister-announces-no-funny-bill.html

and here is the best of all made me rofl

http://blahonline.blogspot.com/2006/09/indian-cricketer-molested-me-says.html

Thank God I am an Atheist

Religion is comparable to a childhood neurosis.
-Sigmund Freud

Forgive, O Lord, my little joke on Thee and I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.
-Robert Frost

The way to see by faith is to shut the eye of reason.
-Benjamin Franklin

I do not believe in the immortality of the individual, and I consider ethics to be an exclusively human concern with no superhuman authority behind it.
-Albert Einstein

I have never seen the slightest scientific proof of the religious theories of heaven and hell, of future life for individuals, or of a personal God.
-Thomas Edison

"A believer is not a thinker and a thinker is not a believer." - Marian Noel Sherman

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
- Woody Allen

Fear is the parent of cruelty, therefore it is no wonder if religion and cruelty have gone hand-in-hand.
-Bertrand Russell

The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one.
-George Bernard Shaw

I don't think we're here for anything, we're just products of evolution. You can say 'Gee, your life must be pretty bleak if you don't think there's a purpose' but I'm anticipating a good lunch.
-Dr. James Watson

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
- Mahatma Gandhi

I don believe in 'Life After Death'

Well… I don really know what to write bout .. sorry for the long silence.. due to public demand m writing again today ;)… I have been blank for the past few days not so alive not so dead .. jus blank. Usually m either too depressed or too elated, somehow the emotion part has been missing… thats one reason I had nothin to say. After using the internet for years, finally this blogging has made me open up, think, introspect, found me an imaginary friend to listen to my inner voice. What I have been doin lately? well jus tryin to figure out who I am n what's happening inside me. Funny, I have thought bout it many times, but right now I get completely different answers or have I become a completely new person. Is it possible to b dead and reborn emotionally? Can ur values change so much that u can become a different person all of a sudden? What if I don like this person I am becoming? I happened to watch the movie Girl interrupted again this week, tho am watchin it for the nth time, it made a lota sense to me this time. I cud relate to Susanna Kayson...(for all of u who havent seen the movie, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Girl_Interrupted or http://www.script-o-rama.com/movie_scripts/g/girl-interrupted-script-transcript-jolie.html). It is based on a book, which is based on real life experience of the writer, the real Susanna Kayson. She is nothin but a confused young gal who doesn’t know wat to do with her life, she is everythin which is usually existing in a subtle way in almost everyone of us. I did some research on this mental condition that she has, called BPD – borderline personality disorder. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_Personality_Disorder. Wikipedia says ‘Psychiatrists and some other mental health professionals describe borderline personality disorder as a serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in mood, interpersonal relationships, self-image, identity, and behavior.’ Every word in this I can relate to, well anyone can relate to, jus the extent to which its affectin u that matters.I found this homepage of a borderline person http://www.myborderlinelife.co.uk/index.html, which is very funny and interesting. I can rem interesting scenes from the movie too, like wen she s asked what she plans to do n she says, ‘ I plan to write’, ppl look at her like she has no goals..no career.. n then wen they tell her ‘woman today have more oppurtunity than we did’, the way she snaps back sayin, ‘no they don’t!!’ means so much more than the words….

Quoting wikipedia again, ‘A commonly used mnemonic to remember the features of the borderline personality disorder is PRAISE: - P - Paranoid ideas, R - Relationship instability, A - Angry outbursts, affective instability, abandonment fears, I - Impulsive behaviour, identity disturbance, S - Suicidal behaviour, E – Emptiness’. Well I wish it was a different kinda praise, the kind u wud wanna receive from ppl u trust and love, which cud motivate u nuff to realise ur worth living a life, wen ur self esteem is at the lowest. Mayb ur not appreciated nuff for wat ur, mayb its jus cos u start feelin uncared for or not worthy of love. Mayb cos u don listen to urself anymore or don trust urself nemore. The stuff I read made me think about substance abuse. I feel it only worsens their plight. More dependancy, more trouble. But it is definitely a temporary way outa the world, to stay away from someone u hate the most wen it is unfortunately urself. I cant personally comment on this one http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Substance_abuse. But jus a passing thought, I sometimes think to myself n smile about this, alcoholics r such selfless ppl, they can hurt themselves so much. Sometimes I feel teetotalers r so worried about their self that they can never really fall in love with another person for real. Jus kiddin!! Ok I lost sequence..anyways lemme close this with a song I wrote few days back, read on n c if it makes sense….

Am burning in hell but inside myself

The hell that I am, no wonder m burning myself

Am burning with desire m burning with envy

Burning with guilt burning with anger

Cant stop this fire in me .. set ablaze

Burning me hungry n eatin me up

Am burning yes m burning

All over from ma head to toe

Am burning to kill m burning to die

When m burning within my soul gives out a cry

So m burning her up b4 my ashes dry

I wanna burn my ashes and throw them aside

Throw them someplace so they can burn in hell

Stop the voices in my head n gut their yell

After all the heat m still alive, alive n burning

Taking the sting of each flare, still yearning

Yes m obsessed …No m possessed n m sure I deserve it

I deserve to quench this thirst in me

The thirst to burn myself up

Up until I put out every flame inside of me.

No means maybe Yes ....

"This looks like a job for me, so everybody jus follow me cos we need a lil controversy n it feels so empty without me" ;) … ok what do I write bout today.. No controversies. Oh yeah controversies tho its jus inside my head. This week has been too hectic for me physically and emotionally. So many things m pondering about, question ‘one’ on my mind is why is that it is so tough to say NO? I wonder if tis jus me. Trust me it is nothing to be proud of. Have u ever hated some one from the bottom of your heart? I can never hate someone even if I so badly want to, even if they hurt me so badly. Isn’t that why ppl take you for granted and walk all over you. Is being a push-over something to be mocked at or something to b pitied for? I do get angry n humiliated when m hurt and in a moment of madness I cud even kill someone, but the thing is u never know I mite fall in love with the person the very next moment. Why is my anger soooooooo temporary, it cud vanish like vapor in seconds. Even a smile can fool me. I ve learnt that loving unconditionally is what matters to live happily. Is that true? Or did my mom cheat me by making me an emotional fool today? How do u feel when ur selflessness is selfishly exploited by someone. You realize u ve been taken for a ride. Even funny when u seem to enjoy the ride!! Love is all about giving, I totally agree, I find more happiness when I give a gift than when I receive it. But how much can u give without getting in return? Is it practically possible without getting ur ego/self esteem hurt? Self-respect is something I am worried about here. I have played this game many times; someone hurts u - u still show them u care - they think ur a fool to do so - u still don hate ‘em - what do they do next? It has worked for me sometimes, I ve saved my friendship as a result. But sometimes it doesn’t work, it leaves u feeling lonly, foolish and as the biggest loser on earth.

NO means NO. I tell this to myself a hundred times, but I can never say no to anything be it good or bad. That’s one reason I can never decide. Don mistake it with planning, I plan and work towards it way ahead of time. Well at least I used to!! But taking a decision is the last thing I can do, at least in matters where I wanna satisfy everyone knowing well that I can’t. Saying ‘No’ hurts so much, the fear of hurting someone lets me hurt my self even worse. It’s kinda leading me to think of will power and addictions. I can get addicted to anything on earth so easily be it food or drink, a person or even this blogging for example. Maybe cos I cant say no to myself either. I have a voice inside my head trying to control, always telling me what’s rite n what’s wrong n when I shud stop n when I shud say NO. But as she keeps yellin 'Say NO no no no no' .. I open my mouth I say YES, wada bitch. She mocks me, laufs at me, swears at me sometimes even disappears sayin ‘u do what u do, don come cryin to me’. Hey common she cant say 'no' either, she lets me get hurt when she knows it n still doesn’t hate someone who deserves to b hated. Sometimes it’s a mistake to learn to c the good side of people, to take everything as a learning experience n to believe strongly that everything happens for good. As I grow up life is reversing everything I learnt as a child from hard work to honesty. I strongly believe hard work can work miracles in every aspect of life, be it ur research or ur relationship. But the harder I work the lesser the result, n the harder I try not to get de-motivated, the lesser life helps me in it. Well back in school, I learnt to use language correctly so that ppl can understand; as I grew up I learnt to use it not-so-correctly so that I can blend in the crowd. What do u do when life is teaching u all the wrong lessons? How do u save urself n follow the principles that u believe in, when everything n everyone around u strongly suggest that u change or u gonna remain a lonly fool in this smart n shrewd world!! I can only let these two ppl inside me fite n as always leave me confused n useless …

PS: I did a spell check n tried to make most words look like English! MS Word is still spitting on me with red n green lines … my apologies...

my first n last ad campaign

Not man enuff for me

I donno how controversial this topic wud b .. but jus penning down wats going on in my head today. Men! Something I ve never thought bout, at least its never been a mystery to me. In the contrary women were always mysterious to me, what a tomboy I sound like. Somehow mosta my friends have been guys if not all, almost all of ‘em. But today, for the first time m thinking bout men, rather certain kinda men, who don seem so man nuff to me. I know 99 perc ppl reading this r men, no offense to anyone but a few. I m not trying to sound feminist here cos I have never related myself to the female society, but hey! we r living in the 21^st century n I was assuming that the world is now changed from what is portrayed on TV/cinema. I can’t believe there r still men who can’t c their women beyond the bedroom and kitchen. Talk about equality and crap, how can women ask for equality, I really m not for it, men n women r not equal they can never b. They are each stronger and weaker in different aspects. As I always say freedom is what others give u but independence is wat u give urself. I think today’s women r dumb in this context. Men r getting smarter now they can use women not jus as sex/cookin machine but also as money venders. All in the name of equality. Ok I lost the sequence somewr.. oh yeah men .. y do they get so intimidated by women who have a mind of their own? Wat is it that a guy looks for in his gf tht he doesn’t wanna c in his wife? Same men who worship women as goddess for their sexuality disrespect their emotional needs. Being emotional is not a weakness, well I am emotional, I feel love, I feel hatred, jealousy anger nostalgic... I fall in n outa love... I wanna cry when m down and party wen m happy, I hate it when guys try to stop me from releasing my emotions, which has happened with every guy I ve known, m human n it’s my birth rite to have feelings. There r guys who respect women no doubt bout it, but how broadminded r they? What do they consider broadminded? The so called unconventional bfs/husbands still cannot c beyond their stereotypical view of a modern day women. Stereotypical women who dono wat they want, giving too much of themselves in the name of love? Commitment? Or whatever... I wud def blame our Indian media esp. movies for establishing a very shallow view in the minds of ppl on issues like love, marriage, emotions. Also it is always black or white characters that are portrayed, while I strongly believe that every human, be it man or woman is grey, a mixture of good n bad. Media is the primary teacher today; most Indian girls believe the sole purpose of being in love is to get married while a typical Indian guy believes the sole purpose is to get laid. Result being loss of a beautiful emotion that every person feels/shud feel in his/her life. I wud rather live-in with a guy who loves/trusts me n vice versa all ma life than get married to someone I don’t. Why is it that a man cant take it when his women is smarter than him or handle women who r offbeat ... y does he have a bad reflex to such women… from what my closest friends have told me they love to hang out with such women while have a life with dumb insecured girls who wud fool themselves knowing that he is fooling around?.. Too complicated.. Well I don really care. Is being indifferent is what makes a man? Reminds me of this movie called ‘FIRE’, maybe better known for other reasons, but I loved Nandita Das’ character in it. A perfect Indian women, independent but not westernized, knows how to live her life to the fullest beyond all barriers. I highly recommend u ppl u read this book called ‘men r from mars women r from venus’ least I can say is , it opened my eyes. I guess a man needs to b strong in everything he has to b while letting the women b what she can b... respect her for what she can be. Not a man who sinks in self-pity n complex, not a man whose intimidated by a better woman (who can think beyond conventions and laid out traditions/rules), not a man who’s proud to be indifferent, not a man who defines who a ‘good girl’ is, not a man who judges, not jus some man… a real man .. Who knows how to treat his lady rite… u maybe fulla love u mayb way ahead of time.. u maybe the rite kind what typically ‘women’ look for .. The question is r u MAN enuff for me? …

will i sleep if i get lost?

Its 2 o clok n m still wide awake. its still late evening for me. There r days wen i don sleep at all keep awake till morn n leave for work. How do ppl get to sleep. i kno ppl who can sleep the very sec they close their eyes. i wish i was that way, or mayb i don want to b tht way. I wonder if this is by choice or is it somethin i can never getover. I can call myself an insomniac, i can stay awake for 48 hrs at a stretch without feelin tired or sleepy. is this a gift? or a curse? Well its got lotsa drawbacks. Idle mind is devils workshop, I think too much..is tht y i don get to sleep..hmm. its a vicious circle I believe.

Insomnia is characterized by an inability to sleep and/or to remain asleep for a reasonable period. Insomniacs typically complain of being unable to close their eyes or "rest their mind" for more than a few minutes at a time. Both organic and nonorganic insomnia constitute a sleep disorder[1][2]. It is often caused by fear, stress, anxiety, medications, herbs or caffeine. An overactive mind or physical pain may also be a cause. Finding the underlying cause of insomnia is usually necessary to cure it. says wikipedia

I personally feel Internet is the main cause for my insomnia. m totally obsessed dedicated addicted and madly in love with the internet. Don think I wud get over it anytime in my life. Wish there was a way i can stay online n sleep, virtual sleep? y not.. 'an overactive mind' yes ofcourse thts there too.. i feel i got too much energy unutilised n i m losin it wen i sleep..funny? comon cant u c it m writing BS here ..mayb i shud get a real job .. no probably i shud get a real life!! Life beyond the internet... omg scary to even imagine..

where wud i b then? ..... i wud b lost ..

home sweet home

I was thinkin of postin somethin recent here..write sometin poetic dreamy n unrealistic .. ..but m reminded of sucha piece i had written for the editorial of my journal, travel in Chennai. It was funny cos its more like a fantasy story than an editorial, wat can u expect on a travel journal, that too written by me.. as always i jus pen down my thoughts as they flow, mostly without a sequence hehe.. purpose is to bring out the possible fun u can have traveling in a city like Chennai.. also to make up a story to tell ppl how the idea of the journal came about .. So here it goes...

I closed my eyes to find absolute darkness until I got power from the skies and ran towards this beam of light I found at a distance. God knows where it is leading to but I go by my intuitions that tell me to keep moving on in this direction. Slowly I hear birds chirping and a sweet scent of wet mud tempting me towards this bright and warm garden filled with flowers of all colors and flashes of orange and red light from the sun. The green base with florescent rays and smell of tropical fruits were seductive. I wish I could fly in the sky like that bird migrating from one place to another. But I keep running through this place, I don’t know why, until I find this lonesome beach at a long distance. I run with excitement to this vast piece of land with just no one around. The hot sand, the empty sky and the sea at a long distance, which still seemed like a mirage to me, were my world now. Though the blue-and-blue-only life is a little depressing, the sea breeze and the hot sun were a nice contrast. I wish I could swim like those little fishes in there and reach the unknown end of the ocean. The grass has always seemed greener to me on the other side. I find myself pushing my way through the water rowing an invisible boat. The waves are getting higher and seemed like pushing me up to reach a snow filled mountain. The next minute am panting for breath reaching the peak. Here I stand as I find the sun slowly moving down the hill warming me and bringing me alive from my frozen state. The smell of medicinal plants and roars of wild animals seemed heady. My head starts to have a mild pain and am giddy. I ate the fruits from the garden, drank the water of the sea but still what am I hungry for? Is my thirst for finding people? Culture? Civilization? I roll down this green bushy hill down to the valley. My heart skips a beat. The silence is broken by the noise of traffic and my head is reeling with the speed of the movement of light here. Everything seems colorless and white. This isn’t the place I should be in. This tainted city, smelling of machines, is like the place I tried running away from…my home! But I find people dressed strangely speaking in a language that seemed like Greek to me. Thousands of people around me, am not alone, but I need to know where I am and who these people are. The busy city didn’t care about my arrival. Nobody was bothered about me when I went looking through the manmade gardens, beach resorts and hills and wildlife sanctuaries, museums and art galleries. The wealth of nature is still alive and fresh here. Actually it is packed and offered in a better way. The place had it all and a long history to tell. I slowly started loving this life as it had more comfort and pleasure. People here are so cultured and hospitable. No man is an island. Everyday is a learning experience when you travel. The thirst of human to travel has gone beyond just flying to the moon. Wanderlust is one of man’s primary desires but not discovered and established as one. I found my foot itching for more. But then I feel this sting of pain in my heart…I knew I was missing home. No place is like home and traveling is sometimes nothing greater than entertainment especially for lazy people. The huge door to get out of this dark cave I was traveling through seemed heavy and tough to open but then I had to try harder and harder and open it slowly. My eyeballs were rolling around this very familiar place. Yeah! I am still at home on my bed comfortably laying down and dreaming. I don’t think it’s just a dream …it made me realize the desire in me to travel and go places and the need and necessity of traveling for any man. It opened my eyes to the wonders in my own city… the place that I considered not more than a polluted piece of garbage stressing me out till now. I wish I could do something to discover the wealth of my home city and show it to the world especially for people with itchy feet like me………..

Peace

How exactly does this work? I don understand really.. I jus write something here.. ppl read it.. n then what .. But then m totally jobless and bored that I decided to write again today... m in a kinda ecstatic state since the time I got over the ‘down in the dumps’ state I was in till yesterday… jus so typically me…

Guess wat .. I got my first Tattoo .. I m as excited as I ve never been in my life about nething. Though there r million things I can whine about today , one lil tattoo made my day rather made my year I should say. Looks pretty doesn’t it? Ventured into piercing too, but not too excited bout it, at least it’s more painful than tattooing. I m sitting at work with no work to do, trying to write some crap in here. How bout I dream of my next tattoo. I m thinking of getting one in my hand or shoulder, (something with a cross heart and skeleton on it) or m thinking of a ‘where is the love?’ tattoo. There r lotsa them here http://www.tattoo.com/ select a nice one for me n get urself one for sure.. trust me it def brightens ur mood. Lemme finish this blog in my own style... the way I feel today … best expressed in the language of poetry.

Wat am amazing day took ma pains away!

Some fear it some deny some say let it go unspoken

Look at me m rite here singing its praise

U made me write again brought back the inspiration

C my future in ur palms let it go m not afraid nemore

Am dreamin away like I have to, was screamin away like a psycho

My diary says nuff u depressed bitch get outa here

I neva gave a fuck all I used to say was ‘man life sucks!’

Yes m ready now ready to let go ready to take life as my mate

Some laufed at it some said gosh get a life n stop blamin fate

Wat am doin here wat m I supposed to? awrite I give up…

Or so u think .. but here s ma day the day I told u wud come

Here she came like a bird outa cage n took me to her little nest

Am a poet livin in my past glory denied my rite to complete the story

But amona sing again n let my new mate search for the rest ….

STAND BY ME

Since this is my first blog ..n I have no clue wat m doin or supposed to do here .. m gonna post something i wrote long back but still fresh in my memory.. something I love and wrote with a kinda inspiration i ve never had before.. This is a msg written for a PR campaign ... but truly a msg from my heart ....

AIDS does not spread by touching or hugging, but fortunately love does!

Hang on! This is not just another awareness program for AIDS. It is rather a treatment for an illness which most of us have, ‘the stigma’! ‘Where there is love, there is life’ said Mahatma Gandhi. We, who have the elixir of life, in abundance within us, are not aware enough to know that each of us could make a difference in someone’s life. Now that sounds like something! Of course all of us know that love is a contagious disease but it’s up to us to take the first step and make it an epidemic. But where do I keep the first step? What do I do? How can I make a difference? Well, even we didn’t have a clue, until sometime back. But now… we know we have achieved something we will be proud of and remember forever and here we are to share the happiness with u, show you how big a thing a person like you and me can do. As you look back upon your life, you will realize that the moments you have truly lived are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love.

Who are we talking about? What do they need? We are talking about a few blessed cute little angels whose innocent smile can melt hard rocks. These kids who are affected or infected by the HIV and are shun by the society (Yes, that’s you and me again!) just for that single shallow reason for no fault of their’s. There are even kids who are HIV negative being ignored because they were born for parents who had AIDS. The only abnormality is the one within us, which is the incapacity to love. These naïve sweethearts don’t long for money or things or any of the stuff that you have already started thinking about. Mother Teresa rightly said ‘If you judge people, you have no time to love them’.

Yes! They just need your love, affection, care, recognition in the society and most of all treat them alike and with neither contempt nor sympathy. All of us are educated and claim to be sophisticated; do we need awareness about the disease any further? May be we do, but we know so much to know that it does not spread through casual contact. Then why are these children denied of school admission? Why are they denied of friendship? Why are they denied the normal life you and me live?

What can I do about this? You can, because all along we have been talking about you and me! We have made a small difference in a few such children’s life; rather these tender souls from various homes in the city made us happy and made a day in our life unforgettable. We have been gifted with contentment and are in a state of bliss right from then. So there is a selfish thought behind everyman’s deeds huh? Who cares! In the end the world becomes a better place to live in, for everyone. The ultimate joy in life is the belief that we are loved. Love fills gaps, builds bridges and makes all of us a single family. We found the way and will pursue it henceforth. Now if you are still wondering how to do this? We will show you how! But are you ready to open the doors? Let them in …

Now that you know, just your presence can make a difference in someone’s life, take the small step, make your presence felt and make someone’s day brighter. We are all born for love. So are they!! It is the theory of existence. ‘To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead’. You are rich with love, share it, and trust us, you will get it back multiplied infinite times. After all, all that the children ask for is ‘Show me love, treat me right, and let me into your world…. Stand by me!!’

My first love are my kids ... so is this piece of poetry i tried writing ...

Stand By Me
Its my uphill climb
And my song turns blue
But when u held my hand
U took me right up there
But still u don have a clue
Now even my loneliness is heaven
In darkness I see light,
My eyes still blind in spite,
I put my hands up to push up the sky,
But I keep falling down, donno why.
One thing that makes me wonder,
How it feels so good down under,
As if touched by a fairy’s wand,
I feel like ‘Alice in Wonderland’!
Seeing pairs of creatures singing
Lullaby to each other,
My emptiness feels heavier than ever.
While I keep singing the melancholy of my life,
Holding the hands of my invisible mate,
Dancing to the tunes of fate,
Eating the sands of this tainted earth,
Walking in the path of thorns from birth,
Tears of rain playing in my fingertips,
The depth of its pain, kissing deeply on my lips.
Laughing along with the thundering roars of hatred,

“Yes am the child of destiny,
Wedded to woe, still ….
Hoping to be the mother of joy …
Would you STAND BY ME?”