The day I lived a million times

So many thoughts flowing through my head I dono where to start and where to end this post...so forgive me if u find me more non-sequential then ever … well its jus me… as u kno…But m tryin to type this post on MS Word and paste on blogger so I can be more understandable.. haha now I kno the tuff times u all go thro.. Ms Word is spittin errors on me for every word! Some copywriter eh :P on my blog.. its simply freestyle!!!

ok! I am supposed to write about d-day! I am not outa topic actually, freestyle wedding it all started to be so ... then there were so many obstacles, so many disappointments, so many compromises, so many surprises,…. In the end…all’s well that end’s well rite! And this purification process is not just of my writing or my words it is of my heart, my body and my soul… I am in a process of taking all the dirt away, quite literally grooming at the salon and quite metaphorically within myself.. chasing away negativities…i don want to be sansmerci anymore.. i was never.. it was always my wannabe character and m happy won need to be nemore... so yes i am tryin to make myself pure and simple and blank for the day… the pure white dress a bride wears mite not b so in our weddings.. but it’s so in my heart…a new born with a lot to learn...

Where is all the nervousness, all the fear, all the anxiety I had over the last few months? Its not to b seen, m numb m blank.. I already feel married…

I woke up today and touched my skin, its clear, spotless…plain, well groomed… all-set to carry the bride thro a million glances on the day…i make sure not even a nail scratches my nose or a mosquito bites my hand.. but I can only hope it stays so forever… I hope my heart stays this pure forever….so does our love!

They say wen we tie the ‘notorious’ thali we become god and goddess ourselves for the moment …I never believed in the concept of thali… I always thought I wud never ever wear it in my life… the influence of Indian movies… the over stressed importance worked reverse on me.. its jus so that my religion 'love' doesn’t believe in material commitments and with or without the thali as against whats represented as our ‘culture’ thro media.. I wud love him and be his wife no matter wat… thts the reason I am already swarbrat everywhere tho some people wonder and even sent congrats messages assuming the wedding must b over! yes i choose to use his name with mine.. u mite wonder what happened to the rebellious gal who wudnt want to lose her identity.. this i do outa sheer love.. to kno m gonna be a new person henceforth with a new name.. and him a part of me.. all mine... i can feel the butterflies everytime i sign his name with mine...in fact itis not thati use myname more than my nickname.. tis onlynow that i have no apprehensions in using it.. i ve found myself and the confidence to show myself i cud say...

and yet again i surprise myself … cos in my memory .. in my mind… in my thoughts.. tht lil thali has got on my neck a million times!.. the moment which i thought meant nothin..the moment wen everything stops.. including my heart…m sure i wud love to jump and hug him tight..shut my eyes close and forget everyone around for the next infinite hours… but no I cant do that! Man! Do they even have a ‘u may kiss the bride’ in our tradition!!! I jus need a ‘u may hug the groom’ from the priest…

Every morn wen i open my eyes...its blisssss...m so not a morning person.. but these days are so different..m on cloud nine.. one more day has gone past...i imagine wakin up on 22^nd.. I imagine how it wud feel on the day.. I imagine myself in my pink sari dressed with all the bridal blahblah … they do have a bridal make up trial.. yes but once! But I have it all over and over again everyday … over and over again … a trial in my head… the way i shud smile...the way I wud walk.. I have no freakin grace and I only am more clumsy in a sari! I wud make the worst bride in history of our country.. runnin around in the sari… doin all the arrangements myself.. no delicate darling don-touch-my-manicured-nails-mite-break bride I can afford to me… I cudnt afford to even take rest for the last few days… I don think i'll get my beauty sleep.. I don think I ll be all calm and peaceful the day.. I kno i 've arranged everything to perfection and it shud work.. But still …. U know….i jus cnt sit for a min without the tension.. i feel guilty to watch tv for a few mins..really i jus cant relax!

But in my dreams.. yes I am… I am those fairy tale brides.. with all smokes and all around my legs :P and a few bridesmaids (I don even kno if i have ONE!) around me… and then ... and then...there is this feelin that am gonna sleep off! Seriously m not kiddin I woke up at 12 noon yesterday… can u believe I shud be dressed up by 7 in the morn on sunday! so I shud b getting up at 4 which means i sleep for 30 mins assuming that I sleep at my regular 3 or 3 30 am timing!i don rem wen i slept peacefully in the last couplea months.. eveerytime is shivarathri.. ironically my weddin reception falls on shivarathri itself! m sure i ll sleep like a log that day!

And then soon the day will be over… the day i waited for since I was 10 years old…i relished cherished and almost gave up will never come... and then it jus came and it ll go in a moment.. and we will be jus another married couple... all the drama all the importance.. all the show and care like we are the only people gettin married will fade out...i am not the centre of the stage anymore.. i kno i shud enjoy it wen i have it...the last 5 months went in a fraction of a second… I have totally lost track of time… a minute lasts for gazillion yrs and days last for seconds.. if u know wat I mean…

3 days and 5 hours.. I will be married.. I will be adopted into a new family.. a new mother.. a new brother… a new life.. I will be a new person…new home.. I will be born again that moment as a wife, a daughter, a sister, a more responsible and more matured person who has to lead a home of her own!

And no no high hopes! am not gonna leave alone even then...u will of course see me write all over again …

Mrs. Swarna Barath

The blogger formerly known as Sansmerci

PS: i lost my blogroll list in this change...please leave a comment, so i can add u on my blogroll again!

Mauritius – Paradise on the Indian Ocean

The Indian Ocean is known for its beautiful oceanic shades of blue and Mauritius is known for endless white fine sand beaches right beside it. The place is abundant with scenic mountains and birds, and is definitely a tropical paradise offering amazing natural beauty. There are major hotels and resorts offering high-class service, the place has a lot of recreations including golf, trekking, spa, ecotourism, etc. It has a multi-cultured society of Indians, Africans, British and French leaving lot of room for many festivals and celebrations through out the year entertaining the tourists. Completely surrounded by coral reefs, the lagoons are full of marine life. Mauritius is an ideal place for honeymooners with the luxury and comfort it provides, along with its natural beauty.

Places of visit in Mauritius are just too many to fit in here, though you would rather sit in a stylish French café and sip some imported wine. Mauritius is well known for its beautiful sugarcane plantations. The Lion Mountain is another important place to go and a marvelous place to hike with eye-catching views of the beach, running straight along the ridge and up over a rocky area to the peak. Tamarin Falls is a series of seven magnificent waterfalls, near a reservoir. But beware! It is like a dream, a beautiful place you can just get lost in it, although it’s a great place for surfing. Le Morne Peninsula gets it’s name from a vast rock called Le Morne Brabant. It has the best beaches in the country and is a place mainly for tourists to visit. Amongst beaches and trendy beach resorts is the busy city of Port Louis, the capital of Mauritius, to complete your honeymoon with great nightlife, cinema and casinos.

The Black River Gorges National Park is a highland area near Curepipe with mountain roads and a large reservoir called Mare aux Vacoas and a lot of coniferous trees. The sacred lake Grand Bassin and Plaine Champagne, the largest natural area on Mauritius are closer to this park. The Riviere Noire Falls is in Piton de la Petite Riviere Noire, the highest point in Mauritius. In the Blue Safari; a submarine in the Indian Ocean with unique and amazing view of the underwater world, one can be one among the fishes and corals and swim through the clear water inside.

The town of Mahebourg, closer to the international airport is a commercial center. There is a beautiful bay in this town, where you can take sunbath and relax before actually reaching Mauritius. Mauritius is easily reachable through air since many airlines from all parts of the world fly to Mauritius and the sea route is mostly used for cargo transport.

Ahem?

Psychedelic? gothic? watever u call it ...its devilishly beautiful

Something that truly impressed me ... all of u def kno i cant do this even in my next birth ... its marvellous!! for ur viewing pleasure ... from 'NA' (who is awaiting ur valued comments on his work) my comment : really really KILLER



aaaaaaaaaaah !!!!!! Y is it never me???? i wana draw i wana draw somebody help me !!

best Bday of my life

no words to describe . i was on top of the world .. felt the entire world wished me on my bday this time .. felt like a celeb .. thanks to orkut for bringing so many ppl into (and back into?) my life .. but more than that i shud say thanks to my new friends at office .. somehow i feel the word 'new' din fit in here! Mayb this is wat i always wanted .. wat more can i ask for .. a writing job, damn cool boss, friendly team ...n most of all my FRIENDS at work who made me feel 'afterall lifes worth living' atleast for a day .. trust me..knowin me .. thts a very tough job to bring me to tht state of mind (by the time i post this blog i kno i ll bak to my boring depressed self).. it was a real awesome surprise ... love u all muahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

ma visit to the NEW orleans

"To build may have to be the slow and laborious task of years.
To destroy can be the thoughtless act of a single day." - Sir Winston Churchill

Mother Nature had a thoughtless day? Probably she’s as impulsive as I am n am sure she s regretting it now n feelin pretty guilty. It was August 29th 2005 n m talking bout Katrina, the deadliest hurricane in the history of US. According to Wikipedia, it is the costliest one too (81.2 billion dols in damage including 90000 sqmiles). 1836 dead, 905 missing and 3 million ppl without electricity. Alright now y am I talking bout this.. I jus had a trip to New Orleans, to b precise Slidell a town in there. Frankly, the first word I can think of is Weird! The place looked deserted, dark and scary. All broken houses open and empty, no lights, no people and open shops with broken n hanging boards. I remember reading and seeing pictures of ppl swimming and looting groceries stores for food. To be truthful, I did not take it seriously. When I see the place after exactly a year and to c its condition now, I can imagine it then! I was taken aback to c a large cemetery that covers an entire road. Mayb I was jus overwhelmed, I usually get distressed even when I hear the ambulance. These r times wen I feel y innocent ppl who have blissful lives have to b taken away wen useless ppl like me r still hanging around happily! But one wud feel its better that way than being homeless and lost, seeing the BROKEN homes. Anyways the city has a beautiful French market and the downtown looks awesome. What a contrast while the houses in Slidell r on wheels (caravan) placed in front of the X-homes which are in pieces now.


I was impressed by a banner in front of one such house that said ‘we will rebuild’, sounded rebellious to me, like a challenge to nature. The entire city seems to b under construction tho, somehow reminded me of good old Chennai… jokes apart.. I am wondering whats happening to the world, n reading up on global warming and sea level rise. Seems like by 2100, its gonna rise beyond what we can imagine. I saw this trailor for the movie An Inconvenient Truth, man it scared me!! Now I dono if I wanna watch the movie or not. Watch the trailor if u haven’t, he talks about Calcutta/Florida being under water in few years and more stronger storms in coastal areas if we keep goin on like this, here s the link http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=2078944470709189270. What happens to beach lovers like me? Well tsunami din scare me, I was rite bak on the shore the very next day….

Raindrops n Seashore ....

Coincidences don make me believe 

Cos I belive in coincidences

But U made me believe 

A cynic love , an atheist pray.

If  I could change, then anyone may!

I have nothin to do, without u

Its easy to see, I've flown miles away from 'me'!!

Where was I before u came?

Was I alive? Was I the same?

Young or old? Warm or cold?

Rich or poor? I'm not really sure!

Music doesn’t move my soul

My home doesn't comfort

Food doesn’t make me crave 

And sleep doesn't soothe me anymore!!

I keep fallin' in n outta love

As ur smile blooms n fades

Stop playin’ those games with me 

Cos I melt like snow when u shine on me

Are u my soul mate I d been searchin’ for

Or are u jus another coincidence ....

Do I need to see u to know who ur 

Cos I already breathe u every min of every hour 

Do I need to hold u to know ur warm

Cos I already found shelter in ur invisible arm 

Do I need to tell u the words

Cos I know u know that I know that u know

This Insatiable love I got for u

Don even try to satisfy me 

Cos I aint getin nuff 

And its really gonna b tuff

Love lust and desire playing on my mood

Why are these waves, raindrops and breeze actin so rude

Though jus thinkin of u makes me warm

My lonly heart aint getin calm

If its my love for u that makes me long

Lemme know with that beautiful song!!

Swarna

September 2004

my first n last ad campaign

home sweet home

I was thinkin of postin somethin recent here..write sometin poetic dreamy n unrealistic .. ..but m reminded of sucha piece i had written for the editorial of my journal, travel in Chennai. It was funny cos its more like a fantasy story than an editorial, wat can u expect on a travel journal, that too written by me.. as always i jus pen down my thoughts as they flow, mostly without a sequence hehe.. purpose is to bring out the possible fun u can have traveling in a city like Chennai.. also to make up a story to tell ppl how the idea of the journal came about .. So here it goes...

I closed my eyes to find absolute darkness until I got power from the skies and ran towards this beam of light I found at a distance. God knows where it is leading to but I go by my intuitions that tell me to keep moving on in this direction. Slowly I hear birds chirping and a sweet scent of wet mud tempting me towards this bright and warm garden filled with flowers of all colors and flashes of orange and red light from the sun. The green base with florescent rays and smell of tropical fruits were seductive. I wish I could fly in the sky like that bird migrating from one place to another. But I keep running through this place, I don’t know why, until I find this lonesome beach at a long distance. I run with excitement to this vast piece of land with just no one around. The hot sand, the empty sky and the sea at a long distance, which still seemed like a mirage to me, were my world now. Though the blue-and-blue-only life is a little depressing, the sea breeze and the hot sun were a nice contrast. I wish I could swim like those little fishes in there and reach the unknown end of the ocean. The grass has always seemed greener to me on the other side. I find myself pushing my way through the water rowing an invisible boat. The waves are getting higher and seemed like pushing me up to reach a snow filled mountain. The next minute am panting for breath reaching the peak. Here I stand as I find the sun slowly moving down the hill warming me and bringing me alive from my frozen state. The smell of medicinal plants and roars of wild animals seemed heady. My head starts to have a mild pain and am giddy. I ate the fruits from the garden, drank the water of the sea but still what am I hungry for? Is my thirst for finding people? Culture? Civilization? I roll down this green bushy hill down to the valley. My heart skips a beat. The silence is broken by the noise of traffic and my head is reeling with the speed of the movement of light here. Everything seems colorless and white. This isn’t the place I should be in. This tainted city, smelling of machines, is like the place I tried running away from…my home! But I find people dressed strangely speaking in a language that seemed like Greek to me. Thousands of people around me, am not alone, but I need to know where I am and who these people are. The busy city didn’t care about my arrival. Nobody was bothered about me when I went looking through the manmade gardens, beach resorts and hills and wildlife sanctuaries, museums and art galleries. The wealth of nature is still alive and fresh here. Actually it is packed and offered in a better way. The place had it all and a long history to tell. I slowly started loving this life as it had more comfort and pleasure. People here are so cultured and hospitable. No man is an island. Everyday is a learning experience when you travel. The thirst of human to travel has gone beyond just flying to the moon. Wanderlust is one of man’s primary desires but not discovered and established as one. I found my foot itching for more. But then I feel this sting of pain in my heart…I knew I was missing home. No place is like home and traveling is sometimes nothing greater than entertainment especially for lazy people. The huge door to get out of this dark cave I was traveling through seemed heavy and tough to open but then I had to try harder and harder and open it slowly. My eyeballs were rolling around this very familiar place. Yeah! I am still at home on my bed comfortably laying down and dreaming. I don’t think it’s just a dream …it made me realize the desire in me to travel and go places and the need and necessity of traveling for any man. It opened my eyes to the wonders in my own city… the place that I considered not more than a polluted piece of garbage stressing me out till now. I wish I could do something to discover the wealth of my home city and show it to the world especially for people with itchy feet like me………..

STAND BY ME

Since this is my first blog ..n I have no clue wat m doin or supposed to do here .. m gonna post something i wrote long back but still fresh in my memory.. something I love and wrote with a kinda inspiration i ve never had before.. This is a msg written for a PR campaign ... but truly a msg from my heart ....

AIDS does not spread by touching or hugging, but fortunately love does!

Hang on! This is not just another awareness program for AIDS. It is rather a treatment for an illness which most of us have, ‘the stigma’! ‘Where there is love, there is life’ said Mahatma Gandhi. We, who have the elixir of life, in abundance within us, are not aware enough to know that each of us could make a difference in someone’s life. Now that sounds like something! Of course all of us know that love is a contagious disease but it’s up to us to take the first step and make it an epidemic. But where do I keep the first step? What do I do? How can I make a difference? Well, even we didn’t have a clue, until sometime back. But now… we know we have achieved something we will be proud of and remember forever and here we are to share the happiness with u, show you how big a thing a person like you and me can do. As you look back upon your life, you will realize that the moments you have truly lived are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love.

Who are we talking about? What do they need? We are talking about a few blessed cute little angels whose innocent smile can melt hard rocks. These kids who are affected or infected by the HIV and are shun by the society (Yes, that’s you and me again!) just for that single shallow reason for no fault of their’s. There are even kids who are HIV negative being ignored because they were born for parents who had AIDS. The only abnormality is the one within us, which is the incapacity to love. These naïve sweethearts don’t long for money or things or any of the stuff that you have already started thinking about. Mother Teresa rightly said ‘If you judge people, you have no time to love them’.

Yes! They just need your love, affection, care, recognition in the society and most of all treat them alike and with neither contempt nor sympathy. All of us are educated and claim to be sophisticated; do we need awareness about the disease any further? May be we do, but we know so much to know that it does not spread through casual contact. Then why are these children denied of school admission? Why are they denied of friendship? Why are they denied the normal life you and me live?

What can I do about this? You can, because all along we have been talking about you and me! We have made a small difference in a few such children’s life; rather these tender souls from various homes in the city made us happy and made a day in our life unforgettable. We have been gifted with contentment and are in a state of bliss right from then. So there is a selfish thought behind everyman’s deeds huh? Who cares! In the end the world becomes a better place to live in, for everyone. The ultimate joy in life is the belief that we are loved. Love fills gaps, builds bridges and makes all of us a single family. We found the way and will pursue it henceforth. Now if you are still wondering how to do this? We will show you how! But are you ready to open the doors? Let them in …

Now that you know, just your presence can make a difference in someone’s life, take the small step, make your presence felt and make someone’s day brighter. We are all born for love. So are they!! It is the theory of existence. ‘To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead’. You are rich with love, share it, and trust us, you will get it back multiplied infinite times. After all, all that the children ask for is ‘Show me love, treat me right, and let me into your world…. Stand by me!!’

My first love are my kids ... so is this piece of poetry i tried writing ...

Stand By Me
Its my uphill climb
And my song turns blue
But when u held my hand
U took me right up there
But still u don have a clue
Now even my loneliness is heaven
In darkness I see light,
My eyes still blind in spite,
I put my hands up to push up the sky,
But I keep falling down, donno why.
One thing that makes me wonder,
How it feels so good down under,
As if touched by a fairy’s wand,
I feel like ‘Alice in Wonderland’!
Seeing pairs of creatures singing
Lullaby to each other,
My emptiness feels heavier than ever.
While I keep singing the melancholy of my life,
Holding the hands of my invisible mate,
Dancing to the tunes of fate,
Eating the sands of this tainted earth,
Walking in the path of thorns from birth,
Tears of rain playing in my fingertips,
The depth of its pain, kissing deeply on my lips.
Laughing along with the thundering roars of hatred,

“Yes am the child of destiny,
Wedded to woe, still ….
Hoping to be the mother of joy …
Would you STAND BY ME?”