Wednesday, February 18, 2009

The day I lived a million times

So many thoughts flowing through my head I dono where to start and where to end this post...so forgive me if u find me more non-sequential then ever … well its jus me… as u kno…But m tryin to type this post on MS Word and paste on blogger so I can be more understandable.. haha now I kno the tuff times u all go thro.. Ms Word is spittin errors on me for every word! Some copywriter eh :P on my blog.. its simply freestyle!!!

ok! I am supposed to write about d-day! I am not outa topic actually, freestyle wedding it all started to be so ... then there were so many obstacles, so many disappointments, so many compromises, so many surprises,…. In the end…all’s well that end’s well rite! And this purification process is not just of my writing or my words it is of my heart, my body and my soul… I am in a process of taking all the dirt away, quite literally grooming at the salon and quite metaphorically within myself.. chasing away negativities…i don want to be sansmerci anymore.. i was never.. it was always my wannabe character and m happy won need to be nemore... so yes i am tryin to make myself pure and simple and blank for the day… the pure white dress a bride wears mite not b so in our weddings.. but it’s so in my heart…a new born with a lot to learn...

Where is all the nervousness, all the fear, all the anxiety I had over the last few months? Its not to b seen, m numb m blank.. I already feel married…

I woke up today and touched my skin, its clear, spotless…plain, well groomed… all-set to carry the bride thro a million glances on the day…i make sure not even a nail scratches my nose or a mosquito bites my hand.. but I can only hope it stays so forever… I hope my heart stays this pure forever….so does our love!

They say wen we tie the ‘notorious’ thali we become god and goddess ourselves for the moment …I never believed in the concept of thali… I always thought I wud never ever wear it in my life… the influence of Indian movies… the over stressed importance worked reverse on me.. its jus so that my religion 'love' doesn’t believe in material commitments and with or without the thali as against whats represented as our ‘culture’ thro media.. I wud love him and be his wife no matter wat… thts the reason I am already swarbrat everywhere tho some people wonder and even sent congrats messages assuming the wedding must b over! yes i choose to use his name with mine.. u mite wonder what happened to the rebellious gal who wudnt want to lose her identity.. this i do outa sheer love.. to kno m gonna be a new person henceforth with a new name.. and him a part of me.. all mine... i can feel the butterflies everytime i sign his name with mine...in fact itis not thati use myname more than my nickname.. tis onlynow that i have no apprehensions in using it.. i ve found myself and the confidence to show myself i cud say...

and yet again i surprise myself … cos in my memory .. in my mind… in my thoughts.. tht lil thali has got on my neck a million times!.. the moment which i thought meant nothin..the moment wen everything stops.. including my heart…m sure i wud love to jump and hug him tight..shut my eyes close and forget everyone around for the next infinite hours… but no I cant do that! Man! Do they even have a ‘u may kiss the bride’ in our tradition!!! I jus need a ‘u may hug the groom’ from the priest…

Every morn wen i open my eyes...its blisssss...m so not a morning person.. but these days are so different..m on cloud nine.. one more day has gone past...i imagine wakin up on 22nd.. I imagine how it wud feel on the day.. I imagine myself in my pink sari dressed with all the bridal blahblah … they do have a bridal make up trial.. yes but once! But I have it all over and over again everyday … over and over again … a trial in my head… the way i shud smile...the way I wud walk.. I have no freakin grace and I only am more clumsy in a sari! I wud make the worst bride in history of our country.. runnin around in the sari… doin all the arrangements myself.. no delicate darling don-touch-my-manicured-nails-mite-break bride I can afford to me… I cudnt afford to even take rest for the last few days… I don think i'll get my beauty sleep.. I don think I ll be all calm and peaceful the day.. I kno i 've arranged everything to perfection and it shud work.. But still …. U know….i jus cnt sit for a min without the tension.. i feel guilty to watch tv for a few mins..really i jus cant relax!

But in my dreams.. yes I am… I am those fairy tale brides.. with all smokes and all around my legs :P and a few bridesmaids (I don even kno if i have ONE!) around me… and then ... and then...there is this feelin that am gonna sleep off! Seriously m not kiddin I woke up at 12 noon yesterday… can u believe I shud be dressed up by 7 in the morn on sunday! so I shud b getting up at 4 which means i sleep for 30 mins assuming that I sleep at my regular 3 or 3 30 am timing!i don rem wen i slept peacefully in the last couplea months.. eveerytime is shivarathri.. ironically my weddin reception falls on shivarathri itself! m sure i ll sleep like a log that day!

And then soon the day will be over… the day i waited for since I was 10 years old…i relished cherished and almost gave up will never come... and then it jus came and it ll go in a moment.. and we will be jus another married couple... all the drama all the importance.. all the show and care like we are the only people gettin married will fade out...i am not the centre of the stage anymore.. i kno i shud enjoy it wen i have it...the last 5 months went in a fraction of a second… I have totally lost track of time… a minute lasts for gazillion yrs and days last for seconds.. if u know wat I mean…

3 days and 5 hours.. I will be married.. I will be adopted into a new family.. a new mother.. a new brother… a new life.. I will be a new person…new home.. I will be born again that moment as a wife, a daughter, a sister, a more responsible and more matured person who has to lead a home of her own!

And no no high hopes! am not gonna leave alone even then...u will of course see me write all over again …

Mrs. Swarna Barath

The blogger formerly known as Sansmerci

PS: i lost my blogroll list in this change...please leave a comment, so i can add u on my blogroll again!

49 comments:

Shades of Grey said...

Wow! You have me counting the days and hours with you. Make sure you revel in all its glory and try not to get bugd or yell at any one. I got totally stressed for silly things and took it out on my mum - I still look back with regret for that one moment of madness.

Me love wearing my thali too for senti reasons. Never thought I would be one of those cliches but I am. Twas awesome while he was tying it - all that was going on in my mind was "I can't believe this is for real" - and then I woke up cos it was kinda ticklish the feeling of his fingers on the back of my neck.

It will be the most important day of your life. God's blessings.

Renu said...

Getting ready for the most important day of your life:)

all the best, God bless you !

the blogger formerly known as sansmerci said...

thanks a lot for findin ur way here.. i hope u ve changed ur blogroll to swarbrat.blogspot.com

i am addin u to mine :)

the blogger formerly known as sansmerci said...

shades

thanks a lot jane .. ur absolutely rite... my amma is already ready to take all the bashin that day ... but i wanna surprise her by being very sweet... i hope i succeeed....

renu

thanks a million :)

Nautankey said...

Well reading this post makes me to take a second look at something which I always thought was just a ceremony...awesome account of how it wud be.Kinda gave an insight for the juniors :)

wishes again..

Expressions!! said...

Its soon going to be a year since i am married, and oh! D Day was just so stressed but a beautiful moment!
All the best Swarna, Have a great life ahead!!

sansmerci said...

thanks vinodh :P

and how do u become my junior unless ur 24 or below :D

thanks expressions

Anonymous said...

hey puthu peru puthu blog
Kalakurel swar :)
enjoi madi

Vj

Reflections said...

U will make the most beautiful bride on ur wedding day!!!!!!!!!

This day comes once in ur lifetime.......let ur loved ones take care of the wedding details....U relax, take it as it comes & be sure to enjoy it with ur other half:-)). In years to come, these are few memories to be cherished.

Wishing U all the best Swarna!!!!!

Reflections said...

I actually came here to tell u...u are tagged:-D.

Nautankey said...

Ok now no vendha punla van yethings..junior i meant in marital status perspective :D

the blogger formerly known as sansmerci said...

yea vj :D c its 1 o clok tomo is my weddin technically n m still awake :D

reflections

thanks for the wishes and the tag ... will take up soon :D u kno wen!

nautankey

hehe was jus kiddin :D

Blindwreck said...

i guess i'm the only person to be leaving a comment on your dday! feels good but damn i should have been there technically!! anyways... you know what i so damn excited to call you in the morning, was feelin like "wow, she's on her way to tie the knot, i'm so happy for her" and now i cant wait to talk to you, mrs.swarna barath, now that you must be returning AFTER the beautiful ceremony. well, you'd see the missed call on your phone :D expect my call at nite as well honey ;) :P
hmmmm what more can i say? i couldnt be happier for you swar... really! elvis and i wish you and brat many many many..... years of happppyyyyyyyyyy married life! love ya sweets :) will see you tomorrow!

SR said...

Hey girl! hope the wedding went great!

Pointblank said...

Congrats girl!!! Made a lovely read
Neetu

Pointblank said...

Congrats girl!!! Made a lovely read
Neetu

edita krishnan said...

Swarna,
Congrats swwetheart!! I hope you guys are the happiest couple in all the world.
You descriptions are very vivid. I got under two months to go for my d-day!!and am as excited as you sound in this post of yours.
Wishing you guys the best of everything.
Cheers

swarbrat said...

thanks all of u :D m half wya thro my honeymoon... c ya all soon wen m bak!

Anonymous said...

oh u marrieda? y u no invite me ya? i tot u will..

Mani

Enigma said...

hey swar,
saw some of the snaps of the reception...lookin gr8...hope things r goin gr8....howz honeymoon goin? enjoy dear...welcome to the new life...

Shades of Grey said...

Me tag you for the picture tag lady :O) ...When you have time that is.

Baidik said...

Swarna!

Been a while and development 'o' development!

Am no where near D-day but mid way the blog could hear my heart beat sound and clear.. the cacophony around me vanished for a while :)

Wish you and Bharath all the bliss :) .. and burrps :)

Baidik.

D said...

Hey, I came here too late. But better late than never, I guess :)

Congratulations. Enjoy the newness in life!

Cockroach said...

I'm soooooo happy for u.Felt as if I met the most handsome couple ever, at ur reception. Really don't know what else to add here de.Wish u a beautiful life ahead.

the blogger formerly known as sansmerci said...

thanks baidik and D better late than never :)

thanks da arun ... and that was too much most handsome couple it seems :P

Vasanthan said...

Happy married life!

Renu said...

Even i thought u were going to call me:(

mrs. brat said...

thanks vasanth

renu :( this is so bad...u told me u ll mail me if ur comin and i was so eager to kno if u cud come.. rem the invitation post? chek the comments ... u told me u ll lemme kno if u can make it.. i was waiting for emails from people till the last day so i can send venue details.. the 2 other nautankey and multimenon who i thought wud come also didnt :(

and ur the first person i wanted to invite... there wudve been no better surprise than to have had u there... ahhhhhhh if only i knew u wanted to come... :(

Renu said...

helloooo:) i surely would have come, I had told everybody in my family even, u wanted a photo and so i put my photo on my blog and waited for your invitation.
Anyway, now on ur first anniversary i will come:)
and mrs. bharat sounds so good:) I am very happy for you.

Renu said...

My mail ID is there on my profile page:)

Anonymous said...

"Mrs. BARATH"

the blogger formerly known as sansmerci said...

renu

:( ur makin me feel bad now.. i was expectin mails and was disapointed tht ur not int in comin.. i thought mayb u don meet blogmates.. we ll all meet up once we are bak in chennai ... which is goin to be pretty soon ... wat say :)

yea Mrs BARATH (only)

Renu said...

will certainly meet you, I would love to meet my blogger friends lawys, as I dont make friends easily and once i make.its with full confidence:)., I am all real, nothing fake about me:)
Dont feel bad:) this is the best time of your life, just enjoy:)

Mojo Rising said...

Congratulations!!!!

swarbrat said...

thnaks renu and mojo

swarbrat said...

thnaks renu and mojo

lakshmi lakshmanan said...

hi i hav no words 2 say each & every gal's feeling u expressd i tink i'll express aftr few yrs...
i hav 1 thing 4 u tats my smile..

Cheers!

swarbrat said...

awww very sweet laks.. ur day will come very soon :)

Reflections said...

so when can we expect the latest updates;-D?????

Sal said...

Congratulations, Swarna.

me said...

reflections

think thts gonna take sometime or probably sooner :D u never kno \

sal

thanks a lot

tessiewrites said...

Even though I read this post long back, i could only comment now...
sorry for the delay dear...
Once again Congrats dear... am very happy for ya :)

p.S: I'll stop being lazy and post soon.. till then tc :)

Jayashree said...

Good luck, Swarna....

the blogger formerly known as sansmerci said...

thnks tess n jaysree...

m dyin to write again... but i dono y m just not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Happy birthday blog queen!!!

niya said...

Hi Swarna

Thanks a lot for visiting my blog.

I'm so happy to heard from you..

I used to visit your blog onece in three days..I wanted to see the updates and marriage photos.

How's Bharat ?

One great news I would like to inform you that I received my first Google adsense cheque of USD 103.52.

Bye Swarna

Keep in touch

Have fun and enjoy life !!!!

Cheers

swarbrat said...

thnks king

swarbrat said...

niya

thanks a lot.. wow so many posts in ur blog m readin it for last few hrs... so i can follow again regularly :)

and wow u acutally got paid by ad sense? :) i ve never heard neone reach tht high ... but m not surpriseed with the amount of readers ur blog has! congrats and now m encouraged to add more to my food blog and become active again!

niya said...

Hi Swarna

Thattukada - It has been since 4 months.Snacks price ranges from Rs20- 30/ piece and other Kerala specialities starts from Rs65- 75.

Spencer's daily at Spencer Plaza renovated recently and special counters for breads, ice creams, Mysore pak and Mansukh's North Indian snacks.

Bye

Have a good day

Cheers