Thursday, April 02, 2009

and she will remain ONLY as a reflection in the mirror...

La belle Dame Sans Merci.... i miss her... she used to be a part of me, she still is, quite literally, tatooed strategically so i can see her only thro a mirror....

but otherwise... swarna is born... this feb 22nd 2009 i realised the ME in me and have accepted myself to be swarna... the person i never knew i am but the only person i can be... i have let my spirit free and let it be what it has to....a person who always thought she should be loved for what she is and never wanted to lose her identiy just realised she din actually have an identity until she din mold it for her loved ones, the ppl she lives with, that is her real identity! and so am loving this change within and outside me! it wasnt surprising that i was least excited bout my bday this yr since i was still baskin in the glory on my wedding... in fact i still am.. m so high up there that it seems impossible for me to get down to my dark world, however hurt however sad however let down neglected or disappointed i feel... i still m up there, RITE THERE... the effect seems impossible to fade away. YES! i attained the summit, the highest emotional point in my life last month... or mayb i will go higher wen i hold my baby... ahh no mayb not.. cos i already am a mother and that gives me more satisfaction n happiness in life than anything else... and i think a woman is a woman only wen she knows she's a mother, not wen she actually becomes one, i ve felt a mother in me even wen i was 10, i ve felt it with my kids during college days and now i can feel it completely, so am i a complete woman today?

ahhh! i forgot the intro :D... i was supposed to write on something.. but this time there was no specific thing i wanted to write on, i was waiting for the last 40 days to think of a nice title and a hard hitting post about the wedding, feelings and values and the blah blah since i wanted the post after my wedding to be a super hit! but looks like i will not come up with any s*** and i was dying to write (don rem when i wrote last!) that i actually dreamt of blogging yday nite. One thing is that readers mite decide that i ve stopped blogging for good and another is that i mite forget how to write a blog. So today morn i woke and as soon as i logged into the internet, i decided to open blogger without second thoughts on what to write, how to write, etc. i kno there was lot of pressure as to how my post-wedding post will be and that definitely contributed to my not-writing-so-long, since i din want it to sound like i-am-the-only-person-married-on-earth or i-feel-married-and-so...hmm yea i feel married kinds :P (i really don feel like we r a just-married couple even for single moment!) but either way wud've been rong since i was tooooooo high and tooo low at the same time and i wudnt have been satisfied writing my emotions, as i was lost about how i am feeling. i think the highest degree of happiness is damn depressing, duh! thats so sansmerci, aint it?

The real reason tho is that i ve been travelin non-stop and din have any time to sit online, except for uploading pictures... wedding pics took a month :D and the trips (we r in the process of takin out moms around north, so mostly temples it is! :P) are half way uploaded and some more to be done (oh btw, we r off to varanasi and gaya tonite!)... and for the number of honeymoon pics we have, i think will take a year to uplaod, tho am completely jobless (meaning, m without a job), i cant find a single min to sit idle and write crap and bug u all which i used to do easily almost everyday wen i was working! so now i kno what real work is, its not sittin in front of a comp and pretend to be typin (writing) something, its managing a house that is the most difficult and most enjoyable and active job in the world and it takes a lot of energy, both emotional and physical, makin one feel actually USEFUL!

So comin bak to the topic, i decided to jus write today, without any apprehensions as to what to write and how it will sound or even without thinkin of a topic or message (posts without any message usually gets good response :D) i am a pro at non-sequential posts and so its better to start with a comfy post rite? (m jus amazed as to how m jumping topics like a train, i mean unlike a train... err...i jus m typin non-stop and gonna post this, readin it is ur prob!) and yea most ppl will jus b damn happy to c write a happy post m sure...

How does a fish feel in an aquarium? m a piscean, he's aquarian, that explains y he's 'home' to me! Yea the fish definitely suffocates in an aquarium after being in the wide sea for years, but she slowly learns to c the beauty of the place, the pains taken to make this new home a HOME to me and the comfort i have here than the salty sea, yea the sea is still freedom, the aquarium feels dependant but its special, its mine, its made specially for me with all the care and love! There are so many things m learning tho, which will b too long to post here, but i can put in a summary and say i am learning to live... and everyday is a lesson where m surprising myself beyond belief by accepting everything with a smile as life comes, to forget disappoints and hurts overnite or even over-a-second, to deal with sarcasm, discrimination, unfairness, being neglected, arrogance or indifference (these are things i used to fear more than anything in the world) like am watchin a movie (yea whoever said u need to sit under a bodhi tree to learn to look at the world objectively, u jus need to get married once :P), to not just give without taking, but to find happiness in it, to take inequality as love and to take neglect as responsibility... n most of all tht m not a kid nemore n i will not be taken care of that way :) NO! that i am not learning deliberately :D tho i am being reminded this strongly at every instance and change, i rebel! y not? i can b a mother and a kid at the same time, i think a good mother shud b a kid at heart to kno her kid well! No i will not get everything i desire anymore, its hard but i am tryin hard to let go of my ever-giving mother (like a kangaroo!) and be HER to others! In fact m so happy now that i jus m excited bout everything including the fact that being overexcited about anything is a grave mistake and i will only disappointed in the end, m sure u all kno wat i mean.. atleast the women who are married!

i ve never prayed or thanked anyone for the happiness in my life (if there was ever) but i jus wish i had someone to thank for this period in life, the one i enjoyed the most purely from within, even if i had been depressed all thro life, i think this ONE high tide in my life is more than enough to cherish forever! Someone once asked me if Brat did so much to me that m this hyper! I wudnt say YES or NO to that question, since its not just him, but it wud've been nothin without him. But yea its the whole thing, a new life, lifestyle, people, events, responsibilities, a home of my OWN!, a wedding that made me feel like a queen (even if i did it to myself, it still worked!)... yea i brought it from within, this happiness, this splendour, i wudnt owe it to anyone else but ME! I achieved it.... i finally found happiness in a place i never thought it is and in things i thought will hurt me and my ego...and found myself in the process... n Hell No i am not giving it up for anyone or anything, however hard u try to hurt me and turn me around to sans-merci....

Although she will definitely remain as a memory, as a reflection on the mirror, so i can rem that i was once this person... that i will never be again... and who am i today? i thought i will be Swarna Barath but NO i was wrong... the identity i can think of myself now... is of a Mother... and a mother can never be sans merci, can she? its virtually impossible!

So yea, if u think Swarna is married and she has changed, NO! she is a mother and she is just being one :) she is being everything she has to be and not what she wants to be, without regrets!

YAY! i wrote sucha big post with NOTHIN at all!!!!!
i can beat Seinfeld, can i? :D

33 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hey congratualations... when is the date?

the blogger formerly known as sansmerci said...

22nd feb 2009... and everyday henceforth

Anonymous said...

Oh india population pathadha??

Cockroach said...

hooy it took an hour for me to complete reading this page :P. Hmmm.......I can see a good change in u.

tessiewrites said...

hey sweety... don't supress her... every married women has a similar tale... even moi!
and for the past one week i've also been thinking to write sumthing on the same lines... for me, I've been pondering over tha same kinda thoughts since june 08... so, i totally understand :)

this is not that tuff a game.. we just hav to learn to play it smart :)

the blogger formerly known as sansmerci said...

@anonymous
ask my husband bout it!

@cockroach
was it that long and boring :(.. and i don think u can see any change in me all of a sudden, its been a process for a year now..

@tessie
thnks tess... yea m playin safe :P

Baidik said...

The Swarna brand of Prose is back :)

So you guys settling down here in Madras or up north ?

Shades of Grey said...

So how does it feel to say "my husband"? :O)

Great post by the way - love the happiness.

Let me end with words of cynical wisdom:

"I'm still an atheist, thank God." - Luis Bunuel,
Mexican (Spanish-born) Surrealist movie director (1900 - 1983)

s w a t said...

Congratulations! :)
And man, you got patience, all at once :D

Lakshmi Lakshmanan said...

hi sans! nice post!ur photos were 2 gud finally u wrote "nothin" filld by enthu in ur heart.
A warm welcome 2 new born baby.Here a baby feels motherly things uh?
Cheers! Expecting a gud news soon 4m ur side(i know ther wil b a cute shy smile in ur face...)
Once again Cheers!

the blogger formerly known as sansmerci said...

baidik

north rite now but will b settling in chennai from may onwards

jane

that line is already there in my blog in a post called thank god m an atheist :)

laks

isnt this good news nuff? what more can i say????

the blogger formerly known as sansmerci said...

swat

patience and me? kabhi nahi!
watever made u think so, all i did was type out my thoughts n publish took me 10 15 mins :D readin needs patience tho shud appreciate u ppl ;)

Nautankey said...

Am here...will read n comment :)

Reflections said...

Ur happiness is just bubbling out & I'm sure everyone of us who are reading this are having a smile on our faces understanding ur excitement & enthusiasm.
U tek care & keep blogging:-))

Jayashree said...

Welcome back.....
and Congratulations on the wedding.

An Open Book said...

Swar...i don mean to burst the bubble here..but looking after a house may not be that much fun after the whole initial setting up etc. But yes married life sure is fun. Keep the romance going and it will be fun all the way:)

Nautankey said...

My oh my..i am confused,abt which part to comment abt :). But one thing is pretty evident this surely is the happiest moment of your life. Keep relishing it. Post inspires all the single folks out here to go get married :P

Praddy said...

welcome back :)

edita krishnan said...

hey swarna..

i think i kinda identify with you...had one helluva marriage myself..
am inspired to post soon..

Renu said...

I am very happy to see you so happy:)
and wish you to remain so forever !

Blindwreck said...

Ooh! wish i could see you right away, all happy, bubbly and cheerful. u sure deserve the pat for the year-long fight you've put up with yourself in being you this very moment! it isnt easy and i know how much you're cherishing it... am so happy for you :) keep smiling... brat better knows how u're feeling now!

Vasanthan said...

Yeah you can beat Seinfeld, since Seinfeld is so old school. we all need changes in life, it does not always seem better, cos u miss the old self, but remember changes can only be made to the present not the past.

the blogger formerly known as sansmerci said...

thnks nancy and jayshree

the blogger formerly known as sansmerci said...

Nish

I havent set up a house yet, i ll be doin it only wen m bak in chennai in May hopefully... rite now m jus stayin in a house already set up by him :) ...

and yea about the romance part, how much romance do u think exists wen u live with parents n roam around temples? :P so that saves any disappointment about the romance part fading off in later days... that stage has been passed, jumped over directly to a more matured stage, thts y i said we don feel jus married at all!

but this phase is awesome in its own way n u can very much c that m enjoyin it thro my post :D!

the blogger formerly known as sansmerci said...

nautankey

correction - fall in love.. gettin married comes later.. every marriage need not be filled with love... and without love... any of this will seem like the most painful thing on earth... its all in the perception!

Praddy

thanks and keep comin bak

the blogger formerly known as sansmerci said...

edita?

ur married already? wow congrats gal! and yes u def shud post soon!

renu
thnks a lot and i kno ur one of my well wishers and feel happy for me :)

the blogger formerly known as sansmerci said...

sne baby

thnks de ... yea u shud kno it well and brat ll kno it better (i guess :D unless he has short term mem loss :P) what i ve been thro and how much i ve put in to b here and b this today... m sure i ll be appreciated for it else i got this post to pat myself :)

vasanthan
i am the past present and future and the change i brght on to the past is by seein it in a better lite and enjoyin the memories too! and m not really sure y u say change is not always good..hmm.. i guess it is good for me at the moment so tht line din suit here :D or are u tryin to warn me :O

Pointblank said...

sigh.... I understood practiCally NOTHING!!! :p.. But still I know ur happy, and thats indeed a great news :)

swarbrat said...

finally! someone understood the nothing part :)

An Open Book said...

Swar..take it from me..a few years down the line u just end up taking each other for granted and thats when u need the romance to still be there..if u can manage that it wud be perfect.

swarbrat said...

hehe yea nish i wud take ur word on it snce ur the first to b married in our class...what i meant was we have jumped to that takin-for-granted stage already mayb since we already kno each other for yrs...

but yea i take ur advice on the keepin the romance goin.. i always try my best on it and will do as u say

Dame sans Merci said...

hey, I thought I'd check out your blog and whaddya know- I love it. So honest. DSM. x

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