Friday, February 13, 2009

The Art of Feeling Loved

i dono wat to write on d-day as everyone asks for, but i cud start by my usual abstract ways..wrting bout something i ve learnt over these 25 yrs in my life....about love...

when does one decide to get hitched? how do u take the decision of living with someone all ur life, changing urself for them, accepting every disappointment, struggling through every obstacle that comes ur way and be strong that its 'this person' that will be committed too and wil never be tempted to choose anyone else... thats wen u decide to legally become someones husband/wife, the amount of confidence it takes on the other person is not simple... so much of insecuity, so much of apprehension, so much of fear of the unknown future... what breaks it allmakes the heart happy and long so deepyly for the day i ll be all his.. is the love...m sure u all wud agree.. if not for love.. flowers would've remained mere parts of a plant's anatomy...

what is this love that makes the world spin around and reproduce and changes the by-default selfish nature of human into a 'giving' nature? is it the attraction/crush i felt towards the 13 yr old boy wen i was in 8th std, and i thought i will be married to him one day after probably 20 yrs :P or the lengths i went thro wen i was 17 to make sure my family accepts my affair with my 'boyfriend' at school and get me married by the time i finish my UG! or probably run away with him wen m 18 and never turn bak...and yea live happily ever after like a movie couple!

Now i was 20 and i realised its time to move on...and i knew that family comes first and there's no better love than their's. I found a nice person at heart, who let me be myself, learn, grow up, no strings attached, no forceful commitments and posseiveness, no kiddish fites as with the teenage love... i felt myself grow in the relationship, made me see the world as a better place and more to life than all this... 'love' found yet another meaning in my life... but mayb i grew too much outa it...there are some people like a ladder in life u will never forget ur gratitude towards them and he's one of it, but i still din get enuff love i think ... mayb i am insatiable... and i had to fly... far away to learn life by myself.. independant of family and friends...

and there was another learning.. another life i had to learn.. the hard way.. and another love.. much stronger... much longer and much more important than anything i had in life... so is this love? the one i wud give anything for? i wud go thro anything for, I wud give my life for... i am 22, am i ready to commit to one person? how do i decide? u think u wud want to live with a person u love? hell no! i cud love a million people, once i decide on my life partner i cud love him to death, and thats how arranged marriages work rite? love is inside you and u decide who to shower it on....

so YES! the fact remains that u decide to live all ur life with someone with whom u FEEL loved! and it doesnt come so easily... its very easy to show love, to express it, to give, its too damn difficult to take, to find and to feel loved unless the person is someone who showers it everyday dramatically... and if u think its an energy that comes from the outside, i don think so, to feel loved is an art in itself, to feel wanted, to feel important, to feel special to someone, it takes so much strength within to know that ur worthy of this person's love esp. this person who u think is worth ur love. its once in a million yrs that these two coincide and thats wen u see the rainbows and butterflies in colors u havent seen since u were 13 and had ur different versions of love...

i, being a cynic, being a person with very low self esteem with high self-confidence, is the worst in this art, i cud be called a child's scribble at sketchin in feelin loved and watever u do, i will still feel unworthy of ur love...and then i decided to get hitched to the long term love of my life, only cos i love him and not cos i felt loved... i ran away from him who i was running to...n then i learnt my mistake...what was missin from my heart...i learnt it...yes i did wen i was 25, and learnt it religiously in the last one yr.. to know what love actually is, to know how to absorb it from everyday actions, to know thatur being loved and wanted... to ignore the fights, to ignore moments of anger, to ignore broken promises, to ignore being ignored.. and to c the whole picture... to see beyond material everyday happenings... to feel loved and cherished.. it comes from me.. its from within that it needs to start... its my decision to feel loved or unloved by someone...very simply taken from the decision he has made to love me forever....

...and then i found HIM, its been the same him for all the while but its a HIM in my heart now and it'll remain on the throne forever... cos i feel loved.. i KNOW he loves me come what may, expressed or implied... cos 'I' know it.. and i have learnt to know it....the art of feeling loved is the toughest to learn ever...and once u do... ur ready to start a life, a family, be THE mother to the entire family and give love unconditionally!

I AM READY!

22 comments:

Anonymous said...

Good for u!

The blogger formerly known as Sansmerci said...

thanks

MultiMenon said...

Yay!!!

das a nice one u ve penned.. :)

all the best and god bless..reg to HIM too.. :)

Nikhil

The blogger formerly known as Sansmerci said...

thanks multi... nice of u to comment in the first few always :)

angelsfirstrain said...

hi sans i hav no words 2 write 2 u simply i'll say "SUPERB" a true mindvoice expecially i lik those lines "luv is inside u & u decide whom 2 shower it on"
cheers!

angelsfirstrain said...

hi sans i hav no words 2 write 2 u simply i'll say "SUPERB" a true mindvoice expecially i lik those lines "luv is inside u & u decide whom 2 shower it on"
cheers!

Blindwreck said...

hmmm love is surely in the air!! am so happy for ya babe... i guess you'd have known that by now! cant wish anything more for you two now... jus be happy always together, no matter what! soak in each other's love! muaahs n hugs >:D<

Anonymous said...

Floored :)
wonderful post da
Vj

The blogger formerly known as Sansmerci said...

thanks angel.. ths my belief :)

thanks blindy..i kno u always a well wisher baby

thanks da vj .. floored eh :)

honey said...

thats great, i loved it!!

The blogger formerly known as Sansmerci said...

thnks honey

Renu said...

I am very happy to read this post,swarna is happy:) remain that for ever:) wishing u a very happy valentine's day !

The blogger formerly known as Sansmerci said...

thanks a lot renu ... i hope to :)

SR said...

hey! check out my art blog..what with you being so much in love and getting married in a few days I thought this would be apt for you :) All the best!

The blogger formerly known as Sansmerci said...

thanks SR will sure do!

Enigma said...

good for u dear..glad to know that u r ready finallyy !!!

Shades of Grey said...

I always thought you were ready for marriage since the day I met you...you had that kind of air, that once committed you'd never fall back. But like you said, the right person had to come along at the right time. Kudos to you for being able to step away when you knew it was necessary - despite all the pain it would cause you. Very few are able to do that...

The blogger formerly known as Sansmerci said...

thanks enigma

y is the finally being stressed so much .. m not tht old u kno :P

jane

being ready to be committed doesn't make one ready for marriage.. in fact it makes one so unready for marriage.. u shud learn to let go.. to learn to live... n yes it takes hella lota pain to learn that

Whitelighter said...

This means that you wouldn't be haven't any anxiety attacks! :)
Good for you.

Shades of Grey said...

"being ready to be committed doesn't make one ready for marriage.."

What's the difference Swar? M confused...

The blogger formerly known as Sansmerci said...

whitelighter

not really .. tht is always there.. this is a product of that and beyond :D

shades

hmm i thought u wud kno better jane :) like u said... being able to commit is not everything marriage is about... need the strength to let go wen u have to...give up... give in... etc etc.. and most of all feel loved than jus committed.. which i never had and i ve learnt it now i guess..

Renu said...

Congratulations mrs. Swarna barath ! Wish you a very happy married life !

and u have been tagged, but no hurry, enjoy ur life and do it whenevr you are free :)