The day I lived a million times

So many thoughts flowing through my head I dono where to start and where to end this post...so forgive me if u find me more non-sequential then ever … well its jus me… as u kno…But m tryin to type this post on MS Word and paste on blogger so I can be more understandable.. haha now I kno the tuff times u all go thro.. Ms Word is spittin errors on me for every word! Some copywriter eh :P on my blog.. its simply freestyle!!!

ok! I am supposed to write about d-day! I am not outa topic actually, freestyle wedding it all started to be so ... then there were so many obstacles, so many disappointments, so many compromises, so many surprises,…. In the end…all’s well that end’s well rite! And this purification process is not just of my writing or my words it is of my heart, my body and my soul… I am in a process of taking all the dirt away, quite literally grooming at the salon and quite metaphorically within myself.. chasing away negativities…i don want to be sansmerci anymore.. i was never.. it was always my wannabe character and m happy won need to be nemore... so yes i am tryin to make myself pure and simple and blank for the day… the pure white dress a bride wears mite not b so in our weddings.. but it’s so in my heart…a new born with a lot to learn...

Where is all the nervousness, all the fear, all the anxiety I had over the last few months? Its not to b seen, m numb m blank.. I already feel married…

I woke up today and touched my skin, its clear, spotless…plain, well groomed… all-set to carry the bride thro a million glances on the day…i make sure not even a nail scratches my nose or a mosquito bites my hand.. but I can only hope it stays so forever… I hope my heart stays this pure forever….so does our love!

They say wen we tie the ‘notorious’ thali we become god and goddess ourselves for the moment …I never believed in the concept of thali… I always thought I wud never ever wear it in my life… the influence of Indian movies… the over stressed importance worked reverse on me.. its jus so that my religion 'love' doesn’t believe in material commitments and with or without the thali as against whats represented as our ‘culture’ thro media.. I wud love him and be his wife no matter wat… thts the reason I am already swarbrat everywhere tho some people wonder and even sent congrats messages assuming the wedding must b over! yes i choose to use his name with mine.. u mite wonder what happened to the rebellious gal who wudnt want to lose her identity.. this i do outa sheer love.. to kno m gonna be a new person henceforth with a new name.. and him a part of me.. all mine... i can feel the butterflies everytime i sign his name with mine...in fact itis not thati use myname more than my nickname.. tis onlynow that i have no apprehensions in using it.. i ve found myself and the confidence to show myself i cud say...

and yet again i surprise myself … cos in my memory .. in my mind… in my thoughts.. tht lil thali has got on my neck a million times!.. the moment which i thought meant nothin..the moment wen everything stops.. including my heart…m sure i wud love to jump and hug him tight..shut my eyes close and forget everyone around for the next infinite hours… but no I cant do that! Man! Do they even have a ‘u may kiss the bride’ in our tradition!!! I jus need a ‘u may hug the groom’ from the priest…

Every morn wen i open my eyes...its blisssss...m so not a morning person.. but these days are so different..m on cloud nine.. one more day has gone past...i imagine wakin up on 22^nd.. I imagine how it wud feel on the day.. I imagine myself in my pink sari dressed with all the bridal blahblah … they do have a bridal make up trial.. yes but once! But I have it all over and over again everyday … over and over again … a trial in my head… the way i shud smile...the way I wud walk.. I have no freakin grace and I only am more clumsy in a sari! I wud make the worst bride in history of our country.. runnin around in the sari… doin all the arrangements myself.. no delicate darling don-touch-my-manicured-nails-mite-break bride I can afford to me… I cudnt afford to even take rest for the last few days… I don think i'll get my beauty sleep.. I don think I ll be all calm and peaceful the day.. I kno i 've arranged everything to perfection and it shud work.. But still …. U know….i jus cnt sit for a min without the tension.. i feel guilty to watch tv for a few mins..really i jus cant relax!

But in my dreams.. yes I am… I am those fairy tale brides.. with all smokes and all around my legs :P and a few bridesmaids (I don even kno if i have ONE!) around me… and then ... and then...there is this feelin that am gonna sleep off! Seriously m not kiddin I woke up at 12 noon yesterday… can u believe I shud be dressed up by 7 in the morn on sunday! so I shud b getting up at 4 which means i sleep for 30 mins assuming that I sleep at my regular 3 or 3 30 am timing!i don rem wen i slept peacefully in the last couplea months.. eveerytime is shivarathri.. ironically my weddin reception falls on shivarathri itself! m sure i ll sleep like a log that day!

And then soon the day will be over… the day i waited for since I was 10 years old…i relished cherished and almost gave up will never come... and then it jus came and it ll go in a moment.. and we will be jus another married couple... all the drama all the importance.. all the show and care like we are the only people gettin married will fade out...i am not the centre of the stage anymore.. i kno i shud enjoy it wen i have it...the last 5 months went in a fraction of a second… I have totally lost track of time… a minute lasts for gazillion yrs and days last for seconds.. if u know wat I mean…

3 days and 5 hours.. I will be married.. I will be adopted into a new family.. a new mother.. a new brother… a new life.. I will be a new person…new home.. I will be born again that moment as a wife, a daughter, a sister, a more responsible and more matured person who has to lead a home of her own!

And no no high hopes! am not gonna leave alone even then...u will of course see me write all over again …

Mrs. Swarna Barath

The blogger formerly known as Sansmerci

PS: i lost my blogroll list in this change...please leave a comment, so i can add u on my blogroll again!

The Art of Feeling Loved

i dono wat to write on d-day as everyone asks for, but i cud start by my usual abstract ways..wrting bout something i ve learnt over these 25 yrs in my life....about love...

when does one decide to get hitched? how do u take the decision of living with someone all ur life, changing urself for them, accepting every disappointment, struggling through every obstacle that comes ur way and be strong that its 'this person' that will be committed too and wil never be tempted to choose anyone else... thats wen u decide to legally become someones husband/wife, the amount of confidence it takes on the other person is not simple... so much of insecuity, so much of apprehension, so much of fear of the unknown future... what breaks it allmakes the heart happy and long so deepyly for the day i ll be all his.. is the love...m sure u all wud agree.. if not for love.. flowers would've remained mere parts of a plant's anatomy...

what is this love that makes the world spin around and reproduce and changes the by-default selfish nature of human into a 'giving' nature? is it the attraction/crush i felt towards the 13 yr old boy wen i was in 8th std, and i thought i will be married to him one day after probably 20 yrs :P or the lengths i went thro wen i was 17 to make sure my family accepts my affair with my 'boyfriend' at school and get me married by the time i finish my UG! or probably run away with him wen m 18 and never turn bak...and yea live happily ever after like a movie couple!

Now i was 20 and i realised its time to move on...and i knew that family comes first and there's no better love than their's. I found a nice person at heart, who let me be myself, learn, grow up, no strings attached, no forceful commitments and posseiveness, no kiddish fites as with the teenage love... i felt myself grow in the relationship, made me see the world as a better place and more to life than all this... 'love' found yet another meaning in my life... but mayb i grew too much outa it...there are some people like a ladder in life u will never forget ur gratitude towards them and he's one of it, but i still din get enuff love i think ... mayb i am insatiable... and i had to fly... far away to learn life by myself.. independant of family and friends...

and there was another learning.. another life i had to learn.. the hard way.. and another love.. much stronger... much longer and much more important than anything i had in life... so is this love? the one i wud give anything for? i wud go thro anything for, I wud give my life for... i am 22, am i ready to commit to one person? how do i decide? u think u wud want to live with a person u love? hell no! i cud love a million people, once i decide on my life partner i cud love him to death, and thats how arranged marriages work rite? love is inside you and u decide who to shower it on....

so YES! the fact remains that u decide to live all ur life with someone with whom u FEEL loved! and it doesnt come so easily... its very easy to show love, to express it, to give, its too damn difficult to take, to find and to feel loved unless the person is someone who showers it everyday dramatically... and if u think its an energy that comes from the outside, i don think so, to feel loved is an art in itself, to feel wanted, to feel important, to feel special to someone, it takes so much strength within to know that ur worthy of this person's love esp. this person who u think is worth ur love. its once in a million yrs that these two coincide and thats wen u see the rainbows and butterflies in colors u havent seen since u were 13 and had ur different versions of love...

i, being a cynic, being a person with very low self esteem with high self-confidence, is the worst in this art, i cud be called a child's scribble at sketchin in feelin loved and watever u do, i will still feel unworthy of ur love...and then i decided to get hitched to the long term love of my life, only cos i love him and not cos i felt loved... i ran away from him who i was running to...n then i learnt my mistake...what was missin from my heart...i learnt it...yes i did wen i was 25, and learnt it religiously in the last one yr.. to know what love actually is, to know how to absorb it from everyday actions, to know thatur being loved and wanted... to ignore the fights, to ignore moments of anger, to ignore broken promises, to ignore being ignored.. and to c the whole picture... to see beyond material everyday happenings... to feel loved and cherished.. it comes from me.. its from within that it needs to start... its my decision to feel loved or unloved by someone...very simply taken from the decision he has made to love me forever....

...and then i found HIM, its been the same him for all the while but its a HIM in my heart now and it'll remain on the throne forever... cos i feel loved.. i KNOW he loves me come what may, expressed or implied... cos 'I' know it.. and i have learnt to know it....the art of feeling loved is the toughest to learn ever...and once u do... ur ready to start a life, a family, be THE mother to the entire family and give love unconditionally!

I AM READY!

Stop living mine...

i never post one after the other..esp cos ppl take time to come to my blog and COMMENT but this time i felt i need to write bout this thing as soon as possible b4 the burnin fades out in me... or mayb it will never...

my blog is very laid back ... u may not agree...or at least usually doesn't talk bout current affairs be it bout obama or about mumbai attacks wen every single blog in the sphere had a mandatory post ... and now its bout the pub attack in mangalore...no i din wanna write on it either but my comments on other blogs started growing bigger and bigger tht i realized i've so much to say on this and m so angry tht i need to give this some space in my blog..

i am not angry or pissed or even bothered about that ram sena or whatever.. in fact me being an atheist i don give a damn if its ram's sena or Jesus sena or Allah's sena or whose ever ass' sena that are harassing gals in the name of CULTURE! so this is not about me opposing a particular culture or anything as many who i know would read this wud claim jus cos i don believe in religion, i respect everyone's rite to religion... and wud like some respect for individuality and choice of what-i-consider-moral and my culture too.. so the 'u' i refer to in the entire post truly represents MCPs i wud like to shoot if u gimme a gun now and not any group or sect in particular since i am blissly ignorant of politics, this is only bout ppl around me and their attitude...

first of all, i believe culture has to evolve, else we ' ll all still be cave men.. history is meant to be in the meseum and enjoyed on trips...i am very proud of my country its culture etc etc but i live in 2009 and let me live in the present and what i decide to follow from my ancestors due to my love and respect and belief in it is my choice and not urs...u can choose urs, i don bother u ...

i mean who are some desperate i-cant-get-those-independent-gals-so-they-are-sour-grapes men to decide what is moral and what is not? i don quite understand the situation here... what exactly is the prob? that they don get nuff? or they jus cant handle it? and which indian culture allows guys to harrass gals in public... i heard arguments like if the gals are bold nuff to come in public n drink they have to face such things from guys...yea rite! its like the burglar says if u have a house i will loot it its my birth rite its ur mistake to have a house and a life in the first place..jus cos its a burglar';s world and they make the rules!

i really think female infanticides are better off! atleast they kno wat the gal is gonna face ... sheer injustice and unfairness so she can rather be dead and gone than living in a man's world.. i was blind to the fact for 25 hyrs..i thought the world is a better place and there is so much freedom of 'will' for everyone ... but then i was wrong and i was hell rong in thinkin m for men and considered feminists to be hypocrites and dumbos and jobless ppl .. today i declare with pride tht i am feminist and there is nothin rong in it to equate the MCP's in the world from takin over completely ..If ur supportin for ur religion m supportin for my gender...

i am angry .. but with the ppl around me who think woman are weaker sex and so will they b ... and have to be... we choose to be moral... we chose to be responsible... we chose to be the mother (physically impregnating a child doesn't make one a mother she does it by choice)we choose to be a better person than u morally... and that shud be appreciated and not be taken advantage of ... u cant get certain things by demand and force, respect and love are few of em... sorry but how wud u know that?

what exactly is culture? (in ur dick-tionary).. cos i was thinkin culture is acting more 'evolved' and sophisticated and not barbaric...

guess anyone whose watched even a single Tamil movie knows the cliched statements...there are many guys i ve come across since childhood, who wen losin an arguement goes to the last resort of using this 'i can walk naked in public, can u?' thats the most loser(est) statement i've heard in life.. i think the answer is simple.. we jus choose not to.. u can afford to miss a copper ring in the crowd, try throwin a gold ring and c if noone flicks it... we r precious and we've made ourselves so... yes i have b**bs that u lust on and don have a d*** to f*** u? (oh how i wish!)now how does that make u a better person? i think that only makes me a better person than u in every way and gives the rite and need to decide if u shud come to the pub or not cos ur the one causing trouble here for me!

uff! that done ... i wud like to say that m proud to be a women who has sense, who has a mind of her own to discriminate between whats good for me and my family, how i shud dress where and for whom i shud dress and whom i shud care for ... and most of all, what my values my culture and my morality lies in ... and if in a country that claims to have got freedom of expression and will and rite to choose ur religion and culture...i am ashamed to be a citizen of this country hypocritically callin itself mother India and namin all the places and rivers after women... get a life... we don need to be treated as god .. we jus wanna be human...jus let us live...

well i can keep on writing..but seriously if someone can keep dictating terms to women jus cos they are not one.. i jus wish i can die now and be born a guy .. if thts all it takes to enjoy everythin in the world and lose nothin in return while rulin others lives as to what hey shud do too! wow! and say 'hey lady ur my god, ur the mother, ur cultured, ur pure, u jus have to be my slave and follow my rules to earn this name all ur life... and who am i to judge u? well i ll stray cos am a man'' i really wonder what extra horn men have! but m sure its not in the head...

No i am not in for pub culture... no i am not against it either.. i am for freedom of choice...i drink .. i dont.. its not ur prob.. its my lifestyle.. if ur jealous n cant take it ...well wat can i say...get a life .. hey wait! is the health of the young generation ur real concern? have some concern on the poor guys too then! cos if its spoilin my health in a way its spoiling urs in a worse way! close down all the pubs and make it a dry country (damn did i jus say that!)

or jus add a board in front of pubs sayin 'dogs and women not allowed'

and soon add it in cineplex's, malls, probably the beach too? cos i've seen women dressed in western outfit and hangin out with no CULTURE in these places too! and finally u can achieve ur target of not lettin us into the living room, in fact nowhere beyond the kitchen, bedroom and occasionally the bathroom if u permit... by say 2020? hurray! we are all getting civilized and cultured and (de)volved!

ok this post ll be come too huge to read soon.. so cuttin here i jus have few links to give ya ... here's some petition against the whole thingie which i don belive will do any good but if u do pls go ahead and sign it .. its against moral policing so i am for it.. whoever it is against!

http://www.petitiononline.com/SMP12345/petition.html

what can make me even more angry? c i don interfere in ur beliefs and religion...
well i believe in love ...its my religion and its one day i get to celebrate for my religion.. u guys have so many festivals! ur religion mite want to secure the past but mine wants to secure the future.. with more love and real values so i think i shud really stand up for this... here's a funny blog for valentines day thingie.. ppl who are opposing spread of LOVE in this country... join it if u believe in the V-day or in expressin love on any day for that matter!

http://thepinkchaddicampaign.blogspot.com/

listen to me Mr.MCP, this u really need to know, if u think woman don deserve love its nto affectin just them, if the future generation shudnt be born for love and only for marriage and sex, they will be born as loveless zombies attackin random women outa sheer desperation.. jus like their ancestors.. jus to follow tradition and culture blindly :) now go home and show some love to ur wife b4 she decides to run away...

Yes i fear the unknown...so do u!

today

i wake up searching for my lost pot of gold
my gift of wonder, my art called words,
some more i lost they said i had
a heart of gold, the gift of love...
i ponder in silence till the mystery unfolds...

yet another day i lose it...
the gazillion flowers that bloom in my heart
my bed-of-roses-life made me smile cos i knew
i knew to express how it felt, pain and pleasure

cant make out anymore, in this sea of emotions
i sink deep and search...yet i leave unanswered
cos its a void at the temple of terror in my head...
so i suppress this pillar of hope to FIND ...

for now, i just decide to search, all that they said i had...

and maybe one day i will actually have it

within me

to let them know that losing is how u find it...