If only I cud turn bak time ...

Looks like i am a fortune teller ... i wrote this lil song in OCT 2004 ... exctly 2 yrs bak .. found it in my comp by chance..

Living without life

…… And my life will come to a standstill
Nothing to do; no where to go
Not a single reason to live
No target to achieve
No ladder to climb
When I’d feel guilty to eat
And too restless to sleep
No work and so no play
Would be numb & cold where ever I stay
When my half dead conscious mocks at me
Would feel like the whole world laughs at me
Thinking of that day frightens me today too
The day when my life would die before I do !!

socially dead virtually alive

An old lady just passed me by, she gave me a weird look and said ‘If I were u I wud b out in the beach havin fun!’ n gave a sweet smile, which I supposed meant ‘instead of sittin in this claustrophobic room talking to ur imaginary friends’.

When was the last time u took a pen and sat down to write on a piece of paper? I almost cant rem wen i did that after those 'eggjams' I hated in skool. I m trying to write now, I kno I have to type this later to get it on in my blog. Truth is our lives are revolving around typing, spellcheks, googling info and using fotoshop. Sometimes i get a desperate need to use control 'f' wen m tryin to search somethin in a book. They say books r the premitive form of dvds. Are we so spoilt n spoonfed today that we choose someone else to picturize a story we r told n refuse to let out imagination do the work. I have been outa the internet for the last 2 days and it feels like a decade outa the universe. But this break gave me time to think bout wats happening. I have read a lot of theories about media affecting socialization n stuff. So very true. I have no links to the world now without a laptop or a mobile. Maybe the effect is more on me cos my life is literally virtual n nothing else. But m sure there r many ppl out there who is like me or atleast getting there. Trust me its not funny wen the only way u get to talk is by typing. I realize that almost all my closest friends were found thro the internet or in contact with me cos of it. Gradually over time my socialization skills have reduced and now its almost shaking my confidence. I thought I was a very friendly person. But now m thinking twice. Really I cant make friends nemore or even sit alone n enjoy nature for a few mins. If m not connected to the world, m like a fish outa water. Gone r those days wen we were kids, hung out had fun had a real life. A telephone conversation is the closest we get to interpersonal communication n now we c every tom dick n harry with a mobile in their hand talking to god-knows-who, even funny wen they have a Bluetooth n seem like talking/engrossed in themselves while they don take a min to smile at the person walkin beside them. Life is so man-made now it seems like jus an illusion. What wud an alien lookin down from another planet think we r doin here.. ‘wat the hell is goin on in this weird planet?????????????????????’

Television doesnt really attract me but we all wud agree, every child today grows up believing wat the TV tells them the world is. Why kids, even u and me, we learn so much from movies and tv. Consciously or subconsciously something from a movie stays up in my head, I have learnt more bout everythin from relationships to crime from wat I watch or wat media projects to me. The society I imagine that I am living in, depends on the kinda media m exposed to and so are my values n principles affected/mended in the long term. When it comes to exposure, sometimes we have a choice n sometimes we jus don’t n sometimes we dono that we have a choice or wat to choose. Media does have its adv, if used in the rite way for the rite thing esp TV cos its so powerful reaching us rite in the comfort of our home. OMG y do I feel like m writing a ‘communication theory’ paper..

....anyways now the question is where is the real society? Or is there one at all? Where is cyberspace? Where r we living? Seems like a bigger mystery to me than ‘creation’ itself. This illusionary world we have got ourselves into .. how long is this gonna last? Or is it gonna get worse, first twas cinema/tv/telephone now its internet/wireless fones, wat’s the next power bomb that’s gonna send us all into a state of total virtual reality. Is this a challenge to God from man? I can create a better world than u Mister!!

ma visit to the NEW orleans

"To build may have to be the slow and laborious task of years.
To destroy can be the thoughtless act of a single day." - Sir Winston Churchill

Mother Nature had a thoughtless day? Probably she’s as impulsive as I am n am sure she s regretting it now n feelin pretty guilty. It was August 29th 2005 n m talking bout Katrina, the deadliest hurricane in the history of US. According to Wikipedia, it is the costliest one too (81.2 billion dols in damage including 90000 sqmiles). 1836 dead, 905 missing and 3 million ppl without electricity. Alright now y am I talking bout this.. I jus had a trip to New Orleans, to b precise Slidell a town in there. Frankly, the first word I can think of is Weird! The place looked deserted, dark and scary. All broken houses open and empty, no lights, no people and open shops with broken n hanging boards. I remember reading and seeing pictures of ppl swimming and looting groceries stores for food. To be truthful, I did not take it seriously. When I see the place after exactly a year and to c its condition now, I can imagine it then! I was taken aback to c a large cemetery that covers an entire road. Mayb I was jus overwhelmed, I usually get distressed even when I hear the ambulance. These r times wen I feel y innocent ppl who have blissful lives have to b taken away wen useless ppl like me r still hanging around happily! But one wud feel its better that way than being homeless and lost, seeing the BROKEN homes. Anyways the city has a beautiful French market and the downtown looks awesome. What a contrast while the houses in Slidell r on wheels (caravan) placed in front of the X-homes which are in pieces now.


I was impressed by a banner in front of one such house that said ‘we will rebuild’, sounded rebellious to me, like a challenge to nature. The entire city seems to b under construction tho, somehow reminded me of good old Chennai… jokes apart.. I am wondering whats happening to the world, n reading up on global warming and sea level rise. Seems like by 2100, its gonna rise beyond what we can imagine. I saw this trailor for the movie An Inconvenient Truth, man it scared me!! Now I dono if I wanna watch the movie or not. Watch the trailor if u haven’t, he talks about Calcutta/Florida being under water in few years and more stronger storms in coastal areas if we keep goin on like this, here s the link http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=2078944470709189270. What happens to beach lovers like me? Well tsunami din scare me, I was rite bak on the shore the very next day….

Frozen chilli

Its been beatin itself hard

Beatin so hard till it bleeds

The oozing blood’s running all over my body

Cant u c its been hurtin me so bad

Beatin n bleedin all over me

U say its gotto b that way

No its diff honey u don understand

Ur alive n dono how it feels otherwise

How funny its still beating n I feel it so well

Wen I cant find ma tongue to talk or ma hands to eat

My skin so numb n cold outside

Like my fake smile and faint eyes

But there’s a flurry inside that’s hot n burning

Am that frozen chilli ur mama asked u not to bite

Cut it if u don trust me, get a lil taste of the hell inside

Now u kno the scars u saw, r jus means not ends in itself

Look at me now can’t u c its jus a hemorrhage within

Cant pretend wen there s a bloody war in there

With peace tattooed on my skin, like I even care

Make it stop pounding n I ll stop gasping hopelessly

I keep telling her its aching, she aint gonna listen

My stupid heart keeps beatin n bleedin….

Swarna
September 2006

Raindrops n Seashore ....

Coincidences don make me believe 

Cos I belive in coincidences

But U made me believe 

A cynic love , an atheist pray.

If  I could change, then anyone may!

I have nothin to do, without u

Its easy to see, I've flown miles away from 'me'!!

Where was I before u came?

Was I alive? Was I the same?

Young or old? Warm or cold?

Rich or poor? I'm not really sure!

Music doesn’t move my soul

My home doesn't comfort

Food doesn’t make me crave 

And sleep doesn't soothe me anymore!!

I keep fallin' in n outta love

As ur smile blooms n fades

Stop playin’ those games with me 

Cos I melt like snow when u shine on me

Are u my soul mate I d been searchin’ for

Or are u jus another coincidence ....

Do I need to see u to know who ur 

Cos I already breathe u every min of every hour 

Do I need to hold u to know ur warm

Cos I already found shelter in ur invisible arm 

Do I need to tell u the words

Cos I know u know that I know that u know

This Insatiable love I got for u

Don even try to satisfy me 

Cos I aint getin nuff 

And its really gonna b tuff

Love lust and desire playing on my mood

Why are these waves, raindrops and breeze actin so rude

Though jus thinkin of u makes me warm

My lonly heart aint getin calm

If its my love for u that makes me long

Lemme know with that beautiful song!!

Swarna

September 2004

............... But all i hear is Blah Blah Blah

Exactly how many ppl have called me blah blah blah wen I m yapping away, its countless. ‘Blah’ is no more an offensive word to me. It is my fav pastime makes me lauf out loud. If ur wonderin wat the hell m blabbing, here s more blah blah 4 u http://www.blahonline.blogspot.com/. We, at Blah, offer an alternative to normalcy and a cure for the boredom created by newspapers. Not that I read any newspaper but that’s y m sure they r a big bore!! I def wud subscribe if blah came out with a newpaper. I wanted to b a journalist wen I was young (n din have a clue as to wat it is!!) Then I wanted to b a feature writer until one day I realised I cant write for nuts. Though I have no idea bout who Blah is except the info on his profile, he/they give me a complex that I can never b that funny!! Boohoo..! Somehow I feel its more like a Chennaized version of Seinfeld (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0098904/ or http://www.seinfeldscripts.com/) , talkin bout nothin/laufin at ourselves/bringing out everyday facts in a humorous way. I think todays post was one of the best http://blahonline.blogspot.com/2006/09/mutton-biryani-or-briyani.html n it made me write about this funny blog which really made an impression on me. Anyways I bet u wanna read the rest of the posts in there than read me crapping bout it here ….

List of my personal fav posts

http://blahonline.blogspot.com/2006/09/sudden-art-attack-in-chennai.html

http://blahonline.blogspot.com/2006/08/captain-discovers-9th-planet-pisses.html

http://blahonline.blogspot.com/2006/08/girl-escapes-harassment-incident.html

http://blahonline.blogspot.com/2006/09/dan-browns-next-book-is-pondy-based.html

http://blahonline.blogspot.com/2006/08/prime-minister-announces-no-funny-bill.html

and here is the best of all made me rofl

http://blahonline.blogspot.com/2006/09/indian-cricketer-molested-me-says.html

Thank God I am an Atheist

Religion is comparable to a childhood neurosis.
-Sigmund Freud

Forgive, O Lord, my little joke on Thee and I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.
-Robert Frost

The way to see by faith is to shut the eye of reason.
-Benjamin Franklin

I do not believe in the immortality of the individual, and I consider ethics to be an exclusively human concern with no superhuman authority behind it.
-Albert Einstein

I have never seen the slightest scientific proof of the religious theories of heaven and hell, of future life for individuals, or of a personal God.
-Thomas Edison

"A believer is not a thinker and a thinker is not a believer." - Marian Noel Sherman

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
- Woody Allen

Fear is the parent of cruelty, therefore it is no wonder if religion and cruelty have gone hand-in-hand.
-Bertrand Russell

The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one.
-George Bernard Shaw

I don't think we're here for anything, we're just products of evolution. You can say 'Gee, your life must be pretty bleak if you don't think there's a purpose' but I'm anticipating a good lunch.
-Dr. James Watson

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
- Mahatma Gandhi

I don believe in 'Life After Death'

Well… I don really know what to write bout .. sorry for the long silence.. due to public demand m writing again today ;)… I have been blank for the past few days not so alive not so dead .. jus blank. Usually m either too depressed or too elated, somehow the emotion part has been missing… thats one reason I had nothin to say. After using the internet for years, finally this blogging has made me open up, think, introspect, found me an imaginary friend to listen to my inner voice. What I have been doin lately? well jus tryin to figure out who I am n what's happening inside me. Funny, I have thought bout it many times, but right now I get completely different answers or have I become a completely new person. Is it possible to b dead and reborn emotionally? Can ur values change so much that u can become a different person all of a sudden? What if I don like this person I am becoming? I happened to watch the movie Girl interrupted again this week, tho am watchin it for the nth time, it made a lota sense to me this time. I cud relate to Susanna Kayson...(for all of u who havent seen the movie, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Girl_Interrupted or http://www.script-o-rama.com/movie_scripts/g/girl-interrupted-script-transcript-jolie.html). It is based on a book, which is based on real life experience of the writer, the real Susanna Kayson. She is nothin but a confused young gal who doesn’t know wat to do with her life, she is everythin which is usually existing in a subtle way in almost everyone of us. I did some research on this mental condition that she has, called BPD – borderline personality disorder. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_Personality_Disorder. Wikipedia says ‘Psychiatrists and some other mental health professionals describe borderline personality disorder as a serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in mood, interpersonal relationships, self-image, identity, and behavior.’ Every word in this I can relate to, well anyone can relate to, jus the extent to which its affectin u that matters.I found this homepage of a borderline person http://www.myborderlinelife.co.uk/index.html, which is very funny and interesting. I can rem interesting scenes from the movie too, like wen she s asked what she plans to do n she says, ‘ I plan to write’, ppl look at her like she has no goals..no career.. n then wen they tell her ‘woman today have more oppurtunity than we did’, the way she snaps back sayin, ‘no they don’t!!’ means so much more than the words….

Quoting wikipedia again, ‘A commonly used mnemonic to remember the features of the borderline personality disorder is PRAISE: - P - Paranoid ideas, R - Relationship instability, A - Angry outbursts, affective instability, abandonment fears, I - Impulsive behaviour, identity disturbance, S - Suicidal behaviour, E – Emptiness’. Well I wish it was a different kinda praise, the kind u wud wanna receive from ppl u trust and love, which cud motivate u nuff to realise ur worth living a life, wen ur self esteem is at the lowest. Mayb ur not appreciated nuff for wat ur, mayb its jus cos u start feelin uncared for or not worthy of love. Mayb cos u don listen to urself anymore or don trust urself nemore. The stuff I read made me think about substance abuse. I feel it only worsens their plight. More dependancy, more trouble. But it is definitely a temporary way outa the world, to stay away from someone u hate the most wen it is unfortunately urself. I cant personally comment on this one http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Substance_abuse. But jus a passing thought, I sometimes think to myself n smile about this, alcoholics r such selfless ppl, they can hurt themselves so much. Sometimes I feel teetotalers r so worried about their self that they can never really fall in love with another person for real. Jus kiddin!! Ok I lost sequence..anyways lemme close this with a song I wrote few days back, read on n c if it makes sense….

Am burning in hell but inside myself

The hell that I am, no wonder m burning myself

Am burning with desire m burning with envy

Burning with guilt burning with anger

Cant stop this fire in me .. set ablaze

Burning me hungry n eatin me up

Am burning yes m burning

All over from ma head to toe

Am burning to kill m burning to die

When m burning within my soul gives out a cry

So m burning her up b4 my ashes dry

I wanna burn my ashes and throw them aside

Throw them someplace so they can burn in hell

Stop the voices in my head n gut their yell

After all the heat m still alive, alive n burning

Taking the sting of each flare, still yearning

Yes m obsessed …No m possessed n m sure I deserve it

I deserve to quench this thirst in me

The thirst to burn myself up

Up until I put out every flame inside of me.

No means maybe Yes ....

"This looks like a job for me, so everybody jus follow me cos we need a lil controversy n it feels so empty without me" ;) … ok what do I write bout today.. No controversies. Oh yeah controversies tho its jus inside my head. This week has been too hectic for me physically and emotionally. So many things m pondering about, question ‘one’ on my mind is why is that it is so tough to say NO? I wonder if tis jus me. Trust me it is nothing to be proud of. Have u ever hated some one from the bottom of your heart? I can never hate someone even if I so badly want to, even if they hurt me so badly. Isn’t that why ppl take you for granted and walk all over you. Is being a push-over something to be mocked at or something to b pitied for? I do get angry n humiliated when m hurt and in a moment of madness I cud even kill someone, but the thing is u never know I mite fall in love with the person the very next moment. Why is my anger soooooooo temporary, it cud vanish like vapor in seconds. Even a smile can fool me. I ve learnt that loving unconditionally is what matters to live happily. Is that true? Or did my mom cheat me by making me an emotional fool today? How do u feel when ur selflessness is selfishly exploited by someone. You realize u ve been taken for a ride. Even funny when u seem to enjoy the ride!! Love is all about giving, I totally agree, I find more happiness when I give a gift than when I receive it. But how much can u give without getting in return? Is it practically possible without getting ur ego/self esteem hurt? Self-respect is something I am worried about here. I have played this game many times; someone hurts u - u still show them u care - they think ur a fool to do so - u still don hate ‘em - what do they do next? It has worked for me sometimes, I ve saved my friendship as a result. But sometimes it doesn’t work, it leaves u feeling lonly, foolish and as the biggest loser on earth.

NO means NO. I tell this to myself a hundred times, but I can never say no to anything be it good or bad. That’s one reason I can never decide. Don mistake it with planning, I plan and work towards it way ahead of time. Well at least I used to!! But taking a decision is the last thing I can do, at least in matters where I wanna satisfy everyone knowing well that I can’t. Saying ‘No’ hurts so much, the fear of hurting someone lets me hurt my self even worse. It’s kinda leading me to think of will power and addictions. I can get addicted to anything on earth so easily be it food or drink, a person or even this blogging for example. Maybe cos I cant say no to myself either. I have a voice inside my head trying to control, always telling me what’s rite n what’s wrong n when I shud stop n when I shud say NO. But as she keeps yellin 'Say NO no no no no' .. I open my mouth I say YES, wada bitch. She mocks me, laufs at me, swears at me sometimes even disappears sayin ‘u do what u do, don come cryin to me’. Hey common she cant say 'no' either, she lets me get hurt when she knows it n still doesn’t hate someone who deserves to b hated. Sometimes it’s a mistake to learn to c the good side of people, to take everything as a learning experience n to believe strongly that everything happens for good. As I grow up life is reversing everything I learnt as a child from hard work to honesty. I strongly believe hard work can work miracles in every aspect of life, be it ur research or ur relationship. But the harder I work the lesser the result, n the harder I try not to get de-motivated, the lesser life helps me in it. Well back in school, I learnt to use language correctly so that ppl can understand; as I grew up I learnt to use it not-so-correctly so that I can blend in the crowd. What do u do when life is teaching u all the wrong lessons? How do u save urself n follow the principles that u believe in, when everything n everyone around u strongly suggest that u change or u gonna remain a lonly fool in this smart n shrewd world!! I can only let these two ppl inside me fite n as always leave me confused n useless …

PS: I did a spell check n tried to make most words look like English! MS Word is still spitting on me with red n green lines … my apologies...

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