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Because of You

This is a song written by someone special influenced by his alter ego who is a writer!

I love it for the amount of pain, loneliness, hurt, guilt, regret, disappointment, heartbreak, nostalgia and truth it speaks! I could not express my sorrow so well in a song to my special someone. But more than anything the abundance of love hid behind every word is mind-boggling. Read on!

Unseeingly implausible but never impossible
was the incubated love for my alter ego
Sane thoughts were bashed by insane emotions
Days seemed shorter but lonely nights were never-ending

Dreams were built on principles and lives were built on dreams
Interests collided but fondness presided
Distance was trifling but time was perpetual
Heart was filled with love and life was filled with fun

But when did i collapse??
How did i love my ego more than my alter ego?
Why did my heart sleep for eternity??

I hate you for making me cry but i hate u more for makin me lauf
I hate you for my loneliness i hate you more for our togetherness
I hate you for my boredom i hate you more for all the fun
I hate you for the way i am i hate you more for the way i am not
I hate you for all the right reasons i hate you more for the wrong reasons

I hate myself for hating my love and lovin my hate

Oh my evil twin hear me loud
Thy shall not reach the gates of heaven
without saving my shackled soul
from the darkness of hell!

Thanks a million
Sorry from the bottom of my heart
BIG applause
and tons and tons of Luv!
Sansmerci

My first attempts with photoshop!

Every Hero is a Superhero

Here’s an age-old subject which has been discussed over n over again but no one seems to come to a conclusion cos’ everyone has their own opinion on it.

But one of my friends wanted me to write about this on my blog, as he was very worried about what’s happening to the world. He is the kind to take the first step to change the world. Maybe he will one day! We will call him ‘KOLI’ for our reference here, since he does not like unnecessary publicity, which will interfere in his superhero acts and he mite get exiled (watch ‘Incredibles’ for more info).

FYI: He is also known to have a Split Personality named 'GOLI'!

KOLI says: Men and women are not treated equal in this world! Why is that men are always measured with the amount for their bank balance and women are measured with their beauty. Why do women fall for men with money and men fall for the looks? If Amitabh can romance with Jiah khan, why cant Shahid Kapur romance with Jaya Bachchan? Why are people so shallow and cant see women as nothing beyond entertainment material? Why can’t these rules be broken? This is unfair; it’s ridiculous I SAY! We have to do something about this …

And KOLI runs around screaming: Why God but Why???????????????

I had to get outa the scene before he turned into GOLI.
But KOLI, here is what I think bout this ….

MY OPINION is that everything was planned out well in the olden days. Men had to work, women had to take care of the home. Probably decided on the basis that men can work hard and women are delicate physically, plus family needs mother nurturing more than the father, based on the emotional quotient. So SHE does what she is good at (emotional task) and HE does what he is good at (the physical). Today, the world has changed and women are more educated. BUT are fooling themselves in the name of so-called FREEDOM, burdening themselves with work outside and at home. Cos of this kids don’t get the love they long for or a family to mold them. Fine it’s a fast world, no use talking bout it.

But you have to agree that since men are hypocrites, women have to lose their identity today. Men cannot accept change, but want to be it. Women have changed but they can’t be it cos men wouldn’t be. If you know what I mean! Today’s guys are ready to be open-minded but only outside the house, which some straightforward girls cannot understand or act! It should be the same vice versa, but since I donno much gals I have no comments on it. Who knows it could be worse with hypocritic women. Na! Am losing track where was I …hmmm…

Yea so …due to the role reversals, you think it is not fair to judge a guy with the money he has or a woman with how she looks. Fair enough, I would say that judging by itself is not fair. But I should tell you, for a guy that’s very sweet of you to think like that. But I am not with you in this. Men and women can never be equal; they are different in every way. When a man knows a woman falls or stays with him only if he works hard and earns, he does it to keep her happy. A woman is happy when she knows she is good looking and when she is at her best. She gains the confidence to win the world, not just emotionally, but strong in every way. Haven’t you seen the ‘Fairever’ ads, 'with great beauty comes great confidence'. It is a source of motivation to keep themselves fit and admirable and yes only the need to be attractive to a guy would encourage her. So this is how the society has to work if we have to keep going on.

Now don get me wrong. I don like women being treated like entertainment either. I wouldn’t ever wear jewelry or make up unless I personally want to. But trust me, being a woman (at least physically) I know how important it is for her to feel good looking and be appreciated for it. It is only when it goes beyond healthy motivation and negative utilization, I get frustrated. You should watch the ‘Bee Movie’ to know what will happen if the chain breaks. Bees make honey, humans use it! Bees get angry and sue humans and win. No more honey for humans but what happens to the bees? They get lazy to work and since there is no more pollination the world gets dry! Nature has a cycle for a reason.

And hey lemme tell u something, not every gal falls for rich guys and not every guy falls for beauties, there are exceptions since women have become financially independent today and men have grown up to see beyond the superficial. Or so does sansmerci think …mabbe not!

Oh btw every hero is a superhero! Now i dono y i said that, i just had to bring the topic somewhere.. hehe.. but yea it is very true in Indian movies.. every hero does change the world but can we do it in reality? Hmm.. watch 'Evano Oruvan' (Tamil) starring Madhavan - quite a subject and more reality than cinema. Maybe i ll write a separate post bout it. Now coming back to our actual subject... OMG! What have i done ..

B4 we lose our super hero here .. Let's all join hands and call out loud...

Now come back KOLI … THE WORLD NEEDS YOU!

PS: On a more seirous note, my friend here really looks forward to your opinion on this subject!

Beyond the Beyond - As my diary reads on 21/05/07

love is all around spread it show it share it socialise party humanity LIFE give take love care beautiful everybody loves u ur in the limelite nobody cares but a few good friends u think nobody caresnobody really careseverybody actually give up n stop carin u don care bout urself nemore u stop carin for others u hurt urself hurt everyone around hostility indifference loneliness dark ugly addiction death beyond a point nobody cares n wen u give up but wat u dono is theres a point beyond where life gives up on un u start really carin for urself m scared i care bout me myself .. for the first time in my life not cos theres noone else to .. cos i killed myself .. i gota save myself .. is it too late to love myself? i cnt belive i care for myself ...I CANT !!mayb its the stage beyond the beyond where i got no option but to save msyelf .. or kill myself .. after all m selfish too .. m beyond the beyond stage .. heheheeeeeeeeeeeeeecnt u c ur mailin it to urself n readin it urself u dumb crazy bych

That's a bad suicide note aint it? Atleast for a writer ... well better luck to me next time on both the suicide and the note hehe .. neways m not Kurt Cobain write a sexy note even at that point but that line will always be my anthem - Its better to Burn out than to Fade away!

PS: am sure u din understd nehtin outa it! i did a lil tho wen i was sane .. neways i din edit a word so it remains in its original form u c :) gosh my life was so eventful! boring now!

Conceived with a KISS

The one breath u sacrificed
Been my life support since
The one touch you blessed me with
Been my reason to smile since
The one kiss that brought me alive
Been my strength to live since
The one-day when we make love
The sun will star the moon on the silver sky

Ever since you made me feel wanted
Woke me up from my grave
I would never forget, I would never regret
Ever since you made me feel loved
Gave me the dream to survive
The lust to live life, the kiss of desire
Put a smile on my face since m pregnant with joy.

Yeah its me!

JIGSAW

Empty spaces filled with bits and pieces don’t feel whole
Shattered dreams compensated don’t reach the soul
While am walking around freezing cold
Hope is a luxury I cannot afford

Dreams, hopes, inspiration, ambition, compassion, love, compromise, soul mate, sweet, passion, sex, money, luxury, bitter, desperation, addiction, emptiness, loneliness, fear, god, music, heart, hurt, bleed, death and life after the soul is dead! How do I dream again?

It so happens that when we need something we don’t get it and when we get it we don’t know its worth and when its too late we need it badly again. This circle is too damn funny when I come to think of it, looking at it as a person outside the world, as a 3rd person to the human mind. I wanna lauf my ass off at this inversely proportionate theory of what ppl need and what they get. But yeah I am not a 3rd person here and my life is almost always ruled by this crazy formula.

Think of it, this would’ve happened to you, something that felt home feels strange, someone who felt ‘yours’ seems a stranger and everything your world was made of could mean nothing to you one day. It’s kinda creepy actually. I am very nostalgic and I can relate to a place or person even after years of separation. But still with some people or places, say an office you worked for years or a person who was your best friend from childhood don’t seem to fit in your life when you meet them after so many years cos you and your life has changed completely. But the greatest miracle is that one word of hatred, one act of repulsion or a spot of misunderstanding makes a place not home anymore or distant a friend from the heart in a fraction. The theory of finding intimacy with someone who was a stranger once is acceptable but vice versa is definitely weird!

Life is like a jigsaw puzzle of a broken mirror image of yourself. You try to put yourself in place but you don’t realize its all just a reflection of who you are and what you do. A broken heart is as painful even after compromise like a rose that smells the same whatever name you call it. Life is definitely not a box of chocolate, if so we’ll all be named Forrest Gump! Cos when I don kno whats rong or rite, and act impulsive I only get what I deserve!

PS: Please ignore or just lol at my new found philosophical writing, am just dead bored at work and jotting down everything that wen thro my head with no sequence as usual. You know its weird when I started (thinking to start?) writing good (positive) stuff on my blog as most (that is all) of you keep telling me to … all I get to read in others blogs r tempting me to get bak to dark writing! Whatever said and done, words are best when you are depressed or drunk!

HAPPY HAPPY NEW YEAR 2008!

Finally the year comes to an end and I already feel like my miseries are ending with the year ending. I have never taken any resolution in all these years. I am reaching a quarter century and have probably already lived 1/3rd of my life and can’t think bout anything good that I have done to myself or the people around me or for anyone in the world at all. So I am thinking of taking a resolution this year. Not one but many! Probably for all these years I have wasted wasting myself in a wasted world of my own.

Come to think of it, the best year in my life was 2004! 2005 was good enough, no complains. But yea 2006 was getting to my head and 2007 finally made me into a nothing n I was about to lose myself or rather I did and have come back to life again now, thanks to the most understanding doc in the world and the most loving mom in the world who are still by my side. Now my first resolution is to keep their faith on me and give them success by becoming a happy person as I was in 2004. I guess I’ve to make a lotta changes to become myself again. 2004! Wow it was a dream life. If I find a time machine I would go back and stop it rite there and definitely would have never made any of the mistakes I did or regretted later.

So I was analyzing what was so special about this year that makes me so happy when I think of it. Yes I was in the best college with an awesome set of friends, partying all the time, learning mass communication (supposed to be what I wanted to learn from childhood but dint learn anything tho), staying in Sathyam cinema and watching 3 movies a day, really kewl lectures from whom I’ve learnt a lot (ahem), working towards my MS and what not! I can keep on listing them. No I cant get back or do any of this cos I am not 21 anymore. So I decide to look deeper into everything and take the essence of it.

First and foremost, I was being loved. I believe that’s the only thing that keeps me going or anyone for that matter. I was in a perfect relationship with someone perfect, which might never happen again in my life. Nevermind! And then I fell in love! Truly madly deeply crazily in love with someone who loved me the same way back. I had the most romantic days of my life though virtually it was true! I wrote a lot, poetry, scripts, magazine articles, copies for campaigns, simply put as college projects which meant the world to me. I could write and I was appreciated. There was a bunch of people who thought I wrote well. There were a couple of friends who considered me a nice person in spite of all my negatives. I felt good about myself outwardly and inwardly. Took care of my appearance and felt good looking. I was motivated to look forward to something by working towards GRE and applying abroad. I was achieving something, going somewhere, had a future. And YES my kids! The one PR campaign that showed me who I am, the love within me and what made me happy and how one could find happiness and love so easily instead of searching for it everywhere.

So here comes 2008! Another leap year after 2004. I am gonna take a bigger leap this time. I will believe in love once again. I will be a happy person; I will bring happiness to people around me. I wont get into my lonely dark world and cry out for love. I will fall in LOVE once again with all faith and belief and make it the perfect relationship I was looking for instead of searching for the right one who loves me, I will find my career in writing with confidence by writing positive, thinking creative and most of all have a good self image, I will take care of my health and body to feel good looking again eat right work out :P, listen to the one person who loves me unconditionally keep her happy by being happy and a good gal yes am trying to become a teetotaler (really really com’on!) and am sure I’ll achieve it soon, work towards a future if not studying abroad something else to look forward to as a happy future, travel the world or atleast DREAM and plan for it and work for it, follow what life has taught me and last but not the least, visit my kids often love them more find more kids and bring more happiness to myself!

YES! I will DREAM! I will LOVE! No force inside or outside me can stop it again and if it does m gonna throw it outa me or outa my life! Strong stronger strongest is my path now! I am sure I’ll be on my blog in 2009 Jan! Lets c if I keep up all this then I’ll b a better person definitely in love (probably married) :D with lotsa kids where ever I go. Guess I just found my time machine as I was typing my heart out… bye bye I gotta catch it soon….

Hurray! Undefinedoxymoron.blogspot.com will be on
www.sansmerci.in from 2008!

Am 40 percent lady!

You Are 40% Lady

You tend to make up your rules of etiquette, throwing all conventions aside. And while you try to be a lady (sometimes), your behavior is often quite shocking.

Are You A Lady?