Saturday, May 10, 2008

...and on my way to nowhere...I lost myself somewhere!

No this is not my usual 'Oh-am-so-lost' post, am very much alive and understanding that i am but I cant find myself, the person I was, that I thought, knew I was. It's so tough to be in this new avatar I am in. Its like am a completely diff personality who I (as swarna) despise! I am so boring! I can’t believe that am boring. Well I do have some evidence that makes me believe that am boring. For starters I have started typing with proper punctuations and in ‘English’! Now that must be shocking to most people who follow my blog since the day I started yapping here cos my words have always been a no-control no-rules mess, just like me and I probably had the worst spelt posts that blogspot has ever seen.. hehe… neways (lemme try and sound like myself!)

Now my wardrobe needs a complete make over, m sick of my depressing clothes I ve chosen in the funny lil depressed stint I was in last yr. wooo man! the effects are crazy too long to handle. I feel a 100 yrs older in just a year. Yea yea am tryin to be bak but personality doesn’t just comprise of words and wardrobe rite? From within I can’t be the bubbly self I always was until 24 yrs of my life. Yea I almost stopped making friends and of course not talking to any of the old ones and am completely anti-social (me :O) I jus hate to think of being in the company of ppl … how did I ever become a loner? It seemed biologically impossible for a chatterbox like me!

I am happy i am being 'Swarna' from 'Sansmerci' but i dono which is rite or rong, its like am going thro puberty and i m losing my charm and identity cos of it, is it worth it? In the end i dono who i am, i dono what i stand for or to stand for and feel pathetic. I was stronger wen i was kid (until march 2007?), atleast i had an opinion! Now am strong that being opinionated is being a 'Bad' gal and 'Good' gals compromise and live life for their loved ones. Well yea i always wanted to keep my loved ones happy but from when did i want to be the 'good' gal? Yikees! I’m interested things I would ve shunned a year back, I actually don mind things I was strongly against, I dono if I have given up on life or dreams or if I jus don wanna fite? Oh am I a loser? Maybe am just becoming 25 in my head, now if 25 feels this crappy how wud 30 feel like? I really have no interest or motivation to see that. Some ppl still call me a party gal, all i think is 'yea rite!' I cant even relate to the gal now, I would probably get scared of her if I c her now… maybe run away.. or is that wat am doin? Running away from myself … or is this what u call growing up? Maturity? Getting serious bout life? Whatever it is … TRUST ME IT SUCKS BIG TIME!