Its impossible to not social(media)ize a single line

After a complete 2 yr break, after writing nothing but website content,  social media messages, food reviews and marketing lies info, *yawn* you find a freestyle writer use punctuations and gramatically right English here, with no spellos or typos? Naaa... altho i absolutely have no idea where to start even wonder if i shud use the same blog or start a fresh new one..i realized my blog needed this break or even more to get outa the i-dono-who-i-am-anymore i-write-for-the-readers way of posting...a killer disease that takes years to cure esp only after the final and lasttt reader of your blog is chased away, you start writing your heart out again.


Its funny how things can break so easily. Destruction is a beautiful thing if you look at it carefully. No am not being my old pessimist self here... well perhaps i am.. but after a prolonged 3-months of chronic stress and reading on god-knows-what-all diseases on earth exist, you are half a doc and a fully blown pessimist. the last time i felt lke blogging strongly i decided not to cos  i din have ne readers left  i din want to write depressed nemore and i don feel like writing when otherwise. and this time i tght, wtf, if thts what i am thats what i am.. wait! i started to write on destructio

frankly i don have ne stuff to write other than such rambling.. the shamlessly bold i-think-outofthebox Merci is lost somewr inside my head... well i do think outside the box n sometimes even get out of it n stand outside the box too..but the urge to write it down n spread the fire... duh... its for those hopeless and dreamy young and energetic people who still dream that they can change the world... b4 they realize the world keeps changing at a pace they cnt even notice nemore...

So as life takes its course...as i shifted from teenagy wtf-was-i-thinking emo blogging to yes-now-am-married recipe blogging... probably my next step should be could be will be a cute lil how-my-baby-pee-d-today family blog like every damn Indian woman who sits at home tapping the laptop all day like me wants to survive in the social media does.. but me being useless and having a boring pathetic life unique and different as always...  my blogs henceforth wud b on things tht interest me.. like old age and medicine  like interesting medical information and my experiences... wisdom gained... and lost... well .... watch out... or nawwwtt...

C'mon Baby Light My Fire!

Dont be shocked that m posting a blog...n m posting it with my left hand...don mind the typos n spellos (as always)!

When u reach depths, u don ve a choice but the way back up. That’s how I ve started writing again. I thought in fact decided for good that its over my flair to write or my passion for it, its reached saturation, its torn into bits… networking sites with status’ msgs, a let out of thoghts as soon as they start to accumulate, no more do we wrte letters ,. no more do I blog…email killed the letters, IM killed email..FB killed IM.. n yea lately I c buzz is killin FB too…too many thoughts..too many outlets.. its all getting a bit too much to put out a blog post.. no time to write my own diary to say in human terms…no more introspection..nothin can live without passion or depth.. my writing has lost it too.. as with my passion for life and living it…

When life gets mundane..no offence to marriage but as u get older and more settled.. there is no more ‘hunting’. I think as raw human wen we don hunt we don survive..wen theres nothing to seek nothing to look fwd to.. u die internally.. yea I got my desired partner and most desired job.. everything I ever wanted..and then the question arising is as simple as a complicated ‘ok now what???!!!’ no its not the deal and compromises tht come with the decisions I ve made tht scare me infact they make life worth fiting and living for.. after all m not someone who needs an eventless life.. always had an extra eventful life and love it wen I look bak at it.. I don like it smooth..infact i hate mediocrity in any form.. including an average life turns me off.. yes I do long for it ironically many times.. but its life and I ve learnt to take it as it comes..but when everything gets monotonous.. the passion is lost..the light is burning…but there aint no fire…m lost.. empty…unused…

To put it in my foodie terms, I wud equate it to eating the same breakfast everyday.. I wud rather b dead n gone instead.. I am not implying tht variety is the spice of life.. oh on second thghts yes I am but there is a possibility fr variety within means..well lets say u ve decided to eat egg for breakfast all ur life.. ur not gonna break ur promise but learn to eat it in a million ways and explore as well as discover a zillion ways to make it better everyday… now u know wat I mean…lota writers who don’t get a chance or din take a chance to b one professionally due to social and financial reasons envy me.. well.. wat ve I become in the end.. someone who is so absorbed by the monotony of a work that actually, in quite a literal sense, can have a lot more flavor and juice to it but I ve become a dry nut cracking slowly into an empty shell…

Love and hate are the same damn emotions, its jus how u perceive it in ur positive or negative mood..so u can only hate something as much as u love it…the strength of the emotions are usually equal...depends on ur attachment to the subject.. if I can love u this much.. I can hate as much easily...well so I decided I don give a damn if m seeing the glass as half full or half empty, m going bottoms up baby and that’s all I care!

Pushing myself to the edge.. I write … I don’t ve a choice and I will….wen every part of me feels injured physically and mentally.. I feel useless n wasted..like I belong in the trash…m makin my own recipe for a pill..yea the same old I knew..giving it another chance…no matter if I feel disabled nuff to even type… writing…m gonna be writing…left or rite or even with my legs… m gonna be writing…

Promoting Narcissism

Its been long since I wrote a really random jus-typin-down-my-thoughts-as-they-flow post..in fact its been too long I actually wrote …I ve gotten outa touch with myself lately.. I ve numbed thoughts and not letting it flow.. I can sense I ve done it to myself consciously. but it takes a lot more for me to write as freely as I cud..bad I guess for a writer..cos no writing is good nuff if its not from the heart..i dono if its cos I ve become a readers writer…I still rem times wen I started the blog I din care who reads and jus wrote for my own let-out and used it as my punching bag…a diary I used this one as…but once the readership increased.. perception of the readers started influencing, sub-consiously tho I was in total denial..i guess now that I ve lost touch and lost readers too in the process… I can get to back to myself? (wait a min, am I shooing away even the few ppl who read me now..duh!) but anyways frankly now I cant write anything but for work..that explains y my food blogs are updated regularly..altho m too busy to write here…mayb cos m lovin it now too much and its like an addiction in itself…my work my hobby my everything it has become..sometimes overwhelming for myself.. still not got enuff of it..thanksfully!

and yea of course on facebook.. I think thts the culprit..everytime something strikes me now I have somewhere to express it rite away than pile it along n develop on it and write a proper post spillin my heart out.. (mayb I shud do a quotable quotes by sansmerci – part 2 post!) it usually goes unrecognized or misunderstood since its incomplete, even from my end.. I cant express wat I actually want to.. tho it feels nice to come up with status msgs reflectin my mood I shud agree.. in fact the whole industry is running on it now.. online media networking and even social marketing…wat else is twitter based on? Somehow m not into twitter (thank goodness!) but facebook yes takes all my free time nowadays..

What are we actually doing?! better communication and technology has actually tampered communication itself! I know all the blah about internet reducing socialization and stuff..but now even communicating has become short n quick n mostly half-hearted...i rem talkin for hours on the fone with friends in school days..now its mostly i catch up with them on chat all day so doesnt matter (probably my mom wud complain the same bout fones..there is nothing like meetin friends n talkin in person!)...'words' to me now means typed ones than spoken ones and smiles ve become smileys.. ironically tho it connects us to the oldest of friends from school and kindergarden too..which wud ve been a far-fetched dream even a decade ago…so we are supp to be more social now rite?

Hmm I dono its kinda confusing..i ve a million ppl online ..i feel on top of the world sometimes love being the centre of attraction … tell ppl wat am doin now.. show off my poetic writing ability..smart thinking..jus express how m feeling and get noticed for it…sometimes impossible to handle the number of ppl who buzz me during the day.. but in the end I only try to control my smiles at the monitor..lest ppl near me (who I dono at all!) shud think otherwise…and of course I eat my lunch alone! Maybe its jus me.. or mayb I need to get a life.. but somehow I c life goin on only in here…is it true? Or is there a real world still out there? I envy ppl who are completely internet illiterate and have no idea bout this big wild world out here..taking over our lives…

Ok so wat am I trying to say…I dono..i jus have this eerie feelings that this huge narcissistic promotions going on thro social networking .. is doin no good to the personality..its infact pretty depressing wen u get tired of it or jus don have access someday and feel left outa the world…like orkut was everything one day..it was where I used to wake n go to sleep to…now I don even login there nemore! Yahoo used to be my breath and today I don rem my yahoo password to login the messenger…And so will facebook or gtalk be soon…it certainly feels too lonely out here in this BIG internet world with access to a million ppl from anywhere in the world at ur fingertips..agree?

If looks cud kill....then i must b writing this from hell...

Is it virtually possible to send out hate vibes to people? i have never hated anyone in my life ... i have had angers .. i have hated peoples specific characteristics.. i ve shouted and threatened to kill ppl too in moments of anger... i dislike some ppl at first site.. i dislike some ppl even b4 i meet them .. i ve been jealous.. i ve envied...i ve spited...i ve cursed...but i have never hated anyone in this last 26 years per se, i cant think of one person ...neither can i think of anyone who has hated me so much... again there are ppl who think m arrogant, m stupid, m selfish, m heartless, m an asshole... etc etc.. but jus plainly hate me for who i am? mayb someone does and i never knew it but it has never bothered me as much.. cos noone has ever meant that much to me in life to be affected by their vibes over me ... i am preacher of love and giving and wud foolishly give even if u keep on takin.. no m not proud of it .. i let ppl walk all over me cos of it .. it is my disease!

But NOW i feel hated... i feel hate vibes all around me.. don get me wrong.. its not bout family or friends they are all very supportive and infact takin all the shit i am givin them ...but there is hate and evil vibes all around me and i can feel it haunting me .. eating me alive...like a death machine...giving me brain shivers....am i paranoid...or am i really being hated so much? have u ever felt it? is it true? a vibe that can kill u .. looks that can give u a nervous breakdown...

I do remember you my first love!

Ahem...havent taken such a long break ever from the day this blog was started.. yes i have no excuses to make, i was absolutely jobless... rather i din have a job per se (i was still working trust me) and had all the time for my new za za zsu my recipe blog (wata b**** m still tryin to promote it) ... so no excuses i kno.. i have been a bad gal..i have lost almost all of u in this process.. but i pretty much needed this break from my personal blog..since a lota changes ve happened in my life and this place needed yet another new avatar.. if not a complete make over but atleast a pause and a start (ah! i found something to explain) ... watever said n done m jus hopin this time around it gets a new face an recognition like it did last yr after a small make over in its looks and tone and character too...

So i dono what to post on ... m sure u have guessed it by now.. but i have been postponin posting just due to this reason and i had to confront it by typing everything that comes to my head... thats how they say writer's clear their block usually... but if i write down everything on my head now .. trust me u don wnana read or come bak here once again . So i ve decided to take up this tag .. looooooooooong pending one tagged by i dono who all .. m guessing Renu, Nancy and Neetu and someone else too m tryin to remember...anyway this is to list out 25 random things bout me and m gonna do it rite away without yappin further....

1. Random things about me change from time to time. so wat i say now may or may not hold good in the past or future.. even in the recent past or the immediate future.. virtually this is a useless document we are preparing then ..

2. I think one word to describe bout me will be 'dependant', yea i can get dependant on anything from a person to a place to a substance to a food.. i am a parasite ... and a very loving one at that ..so there is always an addictive quotient in me .. both ways... easily addicted and very much addictive once you kno me ...

3. i can talk talk and talk for hours and you can kno my life history in a few hrs of conversation with me.. i cannot keep a secret even if it means to degrade my life into something very cheap i will still let the world know what it is.. uh i hate myself!

4. i am a set of extremes.. ritely called the undefined oxymoron formerly... i am an all or nothing person .. m either too happy, elated and jumping or down depressed and completely hate my life ...too busy or too lazy...too high or too low.. too amitious or completely laid back.. too level headed or too emotional... i can love u unconditionally or hate you with ultimate venom ... i can be an angel or a demon basically... but never in between

5. Okay enough of negative things bout me .. lemme c if something good there bout me.. i like helpin people.. does that count as positive? sometimes no... i jus cant say no and i go outa the way to be there for people .. and after being walked all over by others selisfhness i sit n cry in self pity .. but then again .. i like it that way u c!

6. damn i cnt even writ 5 things bout me .. i used to write pages... ok lemme make this snippets... hmm i love writing .. i can write thro out the day and still dream bout it like its a distant vision to achieve someday ... i write for my work.. i work for entertainment.. i write for time pass.. writing is my profession and my hobby and m still not gettin nuff of it!

7. i love kids.. anything esle in the world comes secondary to them...unquestionably

8. i am a sucker for love. period.

9. big time foodie.. doesnt need a mention

10. if u leave me alone.. i ll do crazy things to make sure i don need to stay tht way.. even if it means to destroy myself to get a release .. now thts something that surprising me too

11. i often feel lifes too long to live .. m sure not many feel that way...m too lazy to live thro all those yrs ahead of me

12. nostalgia kills me .. to an extent u won believe.. i can think of a place i lived for 2 days and die for it hatin where i am now ... and it continues ...

13. i ve learnt that life is a vicious cycle ,,, watever goes around comes around and keeps going and comin around .. even if u make serious atempts to put a full stop somewhere...

14. i crave for attention and appreciation.. wen i don get it i cnt survive... i begin to think m not worth living ... losin self esteem is the worst of me... i need to be motivated always (hint hint)

15. oh m already startin to feel i ve lost my readers and noone is gonna even read this shit y am i writing this now!... there u go.. told ya ...

Nah .. i just cant think of 10 more things bout me now ... and m sure u wud understd.. i ve said more than i need to in the 15 already! :) and m hopin to write something good.. in my next post!

I wish...

i wish the tv was a woman
and loved him back as much...
yes! i love him enough to wish for that
no! i don love him enough to wish i was her...

i jus want to feel jealous without feelin stupid!

My experiments with love

Warning: The following piece has a million repetitions of the word 'love' in it, buts its not remotely mushy other than the effect this word creates, but if ur still allergic to it, stay away!

Its been 13 yrs, my hide-n-seek with love began
It has made me laugh, cry, crave, die,
But that love - It has made me who i am
Love I heard of, love I been in and out of
Love that b and not to b, love that din let me b me

A love all divine, darling n grossly dedicated
And love absolutely illicit but as true as stated
Love lust desire and want - all around i saw....
But Love unselfish n unconditional leaves me in awe…
And there is a love-let-go-n-move-on love seeming more true!
This love I tell ya - whatever it is - it becomes ‘you’

Love i realised is total old-fashioned shit,
Its boring, dry and overrated…
The Love that made me feel hatred…
but hate then became another way to love
Love so strong that took me to my death bed
and love then saved me from the said…
funny its the same Love that spins me around
same but aint similiar, the stinkin ol’ freakin Love
that makes me feel dumb, when self-love takes over this loser!….

This love for myself that I betrayed until
A Love for the dark n bizarre, i fell
A love to hurt myself, a love to teach myself
In love with loneliness in love with emptiness
In love with love and the idea of falling in it
In love with anything that makes me forget my love

Love! Love! Love! When will u b over and done with me?
I wanna look around and there’s nothing else I can see
Love for money love for the poor,..
Love for crime love for justice
Love for control love for freedom…
Love for the sake, love per se…

Love, i had to write her off my life
Love, that cuts like a knife
Love, my inseparable insatiable wife!

With all the love from deep inside me, I brought strength
With all the love for my life, I lived again
With all the love I had for her, I took her hand for help
With all the love I had for him, I trusted to wait
With all the love, all the love, all the love for love
I fed her own medicine to her.. so Love, ur all I see now,
Blinding every other thought, faith or feelings…
Am love-numb, am love-cuffed, am love-blind
Yes am a proud useless wasted classic love-fool….

Am living Love
Anything else u hear, read or see is just material illusions of u mortals…

My husband is a....

ahh.. well.. err... nothin... hmm now that ur here, lemme tell u, actually this post is here cos:

1. I just love saying 'My husband', what's better than having a post with that title in my blog.
2. I write a mandatory short post after the boring long one.
3. I am so bored, jobless, uninspired, unmotivated, feelin useless, good-for-nothing, pesty, etc. etc., but din wanna write a whiny-whiny post either.
4. I have nothing else to write on (unless u realise i've made good use of point 3 :P) but i don want to leave a long period of silence in here once again.
5. I just assumed that the mystery element in the title will bring in readers :D...............or not...!!!!!!!

and she will remain ONLY as a reflection in the mirror...

La belle Dame Sans Merci.... i miss her... she used to be a part of me, she still is, quite literally, tatooed strategically so i can see her only thro a mirror....

but otherwise... swarna is born... this feb 22nd 2009 i realised the ME in me and have accepted myself to be swarna... the person i never knew i am but the only person i can be... i have let my spirit free and let it be what it has to....a person who always thought she should be loved for what she is and never wanted to lose her identiy just realised she din actually have an identity until she din mold it for her loved ones, the ppl she lives with, that is her real identity! and so am loving this change within and outside me! it wasnt surprising that i was least excited bout my bday this yr since i was still baskin in the glory on my wedding... in fact i still am.. m so high up there that it seems impossible for me to get down to my dark world, however hurt however sad however let down neglected or disappointed i feel... i still m up there, RITE THERE... the effect seems impossible to fade away. YES! i attained the summit, the highest emotional point in my life last month... or mayb i will go higher wen i hold my baby... ahh no mayb not.. cos i already am a mother and that gives me more satisfaction n happiness in life than anything else... and i think a woman is a woman only wen she knows she's a mother, not wen she actually becomes one, i ve felt a mother in me even wen i was 10, i ve felt it with my kids during college days and now i can feel it completely, so am i a complete woman today?

ahhh! i forgot the intro :D... i was supposed to write on something.. but this time there was no specific thing i wanted to write on, i was waiting for the last 40 days to think of a nice title and a hard hitting post about the wedding, feelings and values and the blah blah since i wanted the post after my wedding to be a super hit! but looks like i will not come up with any s*** and i was dying to write (don rem when i wrote last!) that i actually dreamt of blogging yday nite. One thing is that readers mite decide that i ve stopped blogging for good and another is that i mite forget how to write a blog. So today morn i woke and as soon as i logged into the internet, i decided to open blogger without second thoughts on what to write, how to write, etc. i kno there was lot of pressure as to how my post-wedding post will be and that definitely contributed to my not-writing-so-long, since i din want it to sound like i-am-the-only-person-married-on-earth or i-feel-married-and-so...hmm yea i feel married kinds :P (i really don feel like we r a just-married couple even for single moment!) but either way wud've been rong since i was tooooooo high and tooo low at the same time and i wudnt have been satisfied writing my emotions, as i was lost about how i am feeling. i think the highest degree of happiness is damn depressing, duh! thats so sansmerci, aint it?

The real reason tho is that i ve been travelin non-stop and din have any time to sit online, except for uploading pictures... wedding pics took a month :D and the trips (we r in the process of takin out moms around north, so mostly temples it is! :P) are half way uploaded and some more to be done (oh btw, we r off to varanasi and gaya tonite!)... and for the number of honeymoon pics we have, i think will take a year to uplaod, tho am completely jobless (meaning, m without a job), i cant find a single min to sit idle and write crap and bug u all which i used to do easily almost everyday wen i was working! so now i kno what real work is, its not sittin in front of a comp and pretend to be typin (writing) something, its managing a house that is the most difficult and most enjoyable and active job in the world and it takes a lot of energy, both emotional and physical, makin one feel actually USEFUL!

So comin bak to the topic, i decided to jus write today, without any apprehensions as to what to write and how it will sound or even without thinkin of a topic or message (posts without any message usually gets good response :D) i am a pro at non-sequential posts and so its better to start with a comfy post rite? (m jus amazed as to how m jumping topics like a train, i mean unlike a train... err...i jus m typin non-stop and gonna post this, readin it is ur prob!) and yea most ppl will jus b damn happy to c write a happy post m sure...

How does a fish feel in an aquarium? m a piscean, he's aquarian, that explains y he's 'home' to me! Yea the fish definitely suffocates in an aquarium after being in the wide sea for years, but she slowly learns to c the beauty of the place, the pains taken to make this new home a HOME to me and the comfort i have here than the salty sea, yea the sea is still freedom, the aquarium feels dependant but its special, its mine, its made specially for me with all the care and love! There are so many things m learning tho, which will b too long to post here, but i can put in a summary and say i am learning to live... and everyday is a lesson where m surprising myself beyond belief by accepting everything with a smile as life comes, to forget disappoints and hurts overnite or even over-a-second, to deal with sarcasm, discrimination, unfairness, being neglected, arrogance or indifference (these are things i used to fear more than anything in the world) like am watchin a movie (yea whoever said u need to sit under a bodhi tree to learn to look at the world objectively, u jus need to get married once :P), to not just give without taking, but to find happiness in it, to take inequality as love and to take neglect as responsibility... n most of all tht m not a kid nemore n i will not be taken care of that way :) NO! that i am not learning deliberately :D tho i am being reminded this strongly at every instance and change, i rebel! y not? i can b a mother and a kid at the same time, i think a good mother shud b a kid at heart to kno her kid well! No i will not get everything i desire anymore, its hard but i am tryin hard to let go of my ever-giving mother (like a kangaroo!) and be HER to others! In fact m so happy now that i jus m excited bout everything including the fact that being overexcited about anything is a grave mistake and i will only disappointed in the end, m sure u all kno wat i mean.. atleast the women who are married!

i ve never prayed or thanked anyone for the happiness in my life (if there was ever) but i jus wish i had someone to thank for this period in life, the one i enjoyed the most purely from within, even if i had been depressed all thro life, i think this ONE high tide in my life is more than enough to cherish forever! Someone once asked me if Brat did so much to me that m this hyper! I wudnt say YES or NO to that question, since its not just him, but it wud've been nothin without him. But yea its the whole thing, a new life, lifestyle, people, events, responsibilities, a home of my OWN!, a wedding that made me feel like a queen (even if i did it to myself, it still worked!)... yea i brought it from within, this happiness, this splendour, i wudnt owe it to anyone else but ME! I achieved it.... i finally found happiness in a place i never thought it is and in things i thought will hurt me and my ego...and found myself in the process... n Hell No i am not giving it up for anyone or anything, however hard u try to hurt me and turn me around to sans-merci....

Although she will definitely remain as a memory, as a reflection on the mirror, so i can rem that i was once this person... that i will never be again... and who am i today? i thought i will be Swarna Barath but NO i was wrong... the identity i can think of myself now... is of a Mother... and a mother can never be sans merci, can she? its virtually impossible!

So yea, if u think Swarna is married and she has changed, NO! she is a mother and she is just being one :) she is being everything she has to be and not what she wants to be, without regrets!

YAY! i wrote sucha big post with NOTHIN at all!!!!!
i can beat Seinfeld, can i? :D

The day I lived a million times

So many thoughts flowing through my head I dono where to start and where to end this post...so forgive me if u find me more non-sequential then ever … well its jus me… as u kno…But m tryin to type this post on MS Word and paste on blogger so I can be more understandable.. haha now I kno the tuff times u all go thro.. Ms Word is spittin errors on me for every word! Some copywriter eh :P on my blog.. its simply freestyle!!!

ok! I am supposed to write about d-day! I am not outa topic actually, freestyle wedding it all started to be so ... then there were so many obstacles, so many disappointments, so many compromises, so many surprises,…. In the end…all’s well that end’s well rite! And this purification process is not just of my writing or my words it is of my heart, my body and my soul… I am in a process of taking all the dirt away, quite literally grooming at the salon and quite metaphorically within myself.. chasing away negativities…i don want to be sansmerci anymore.. i was never.. it was always my wannabe character and m happy won need to be nemore... so yes i am tryin to make myself pure and simple and blank for the day… the pure white dress a bride wears mite not b so in our weddings.. but it’s so in my heart…a new born with a lot to learn...

Where is all the nervousness, all the fear, all the anxiety I had over the last few months? Its not to b seen, m numb m blank.. I already feel married…

I woke up today and touched my skin, its clear, spotless…plain, well groomed… all-set to carry the bride thro a million glances on the day…i make sure not even a nail scratches my nose or a mosquito bites my hand.. but I can only hope it stays so forever… I hope my heart stays this pure forever….so does our love!

They say wen we tie the ‘notorious’ thali we become god and goddess ourselves for the moment …I never believed in the concept of thali… I always thought I wud never ever wear it in my life… the influence of Indian movies… the over stressed importance worked reverse on me.. its jus so that my religion 'love' doesn’t believe in material commitments and with or without the thali as against whats represented as our ‘culture’ thro media.. I wud love him and be his wife no matter wat… thts the reason I am already swarbrat everywhere tho some people wonder and even sent congrats messages assuming the wedding must b over! yes i choose to use his name with mine.. u mite wonder what happened to the rebellious gal who wudnt want to lose her identity.. this i do outa sheer love.. to kno m gonna be a new person henceforth with a new name.. and him a part of me.. all mine... i can feel the butterflies everytime i sign his name with mine...in fact itis not thati use myname more than my nickname.. tis onlynow that i have no apprehensions in using it.. i ve found myself and the confidence to show myself i cud say...

and yet again i surprise myself … cos in my memory .. in my mind… in my thoughts.. tht lil thali has got on my neck a million times!.. the moment which i thought meant nothin..the moment wen everything stops.. including my heart…m sure i wud love to jump and hug him tight..shut my eyes close and forget everyone around for the next infinite hours… but no I cant do that! Man! Do they even have a ‘u may kiss the bride’ in our tradition!!! I jus need a ‘u may hug the groom’ from the priest…

Every morn wen i open my eyes...its blisssss...m so not a morning person.. but these days are so different..m on cloud nine.. one more day has gone past...i imagine wakin up on 22^nd.. I imagine how it wud feel on the day.. I imagine myself in my pink sari dressed with all the bridal blahblah … they do have a bridal make up trial.. yes but once! But I have it all over and over again everyday … over and over again … a trial in my head… the way i shud smile...the way I wud walk.. I have no freakin grace and I only am more clumsy in a sari! I wud make the worst bride in history of our country.. runnin around in the sari… doin all the arrangements myself.. no delicate darling don-touch-my-manicured-nails-mite-break bride I can afford to me… I cudnt afford to even take rest for the last few days… I don think i'll get my beauty sleep.. I don think I ll be all calm and peaceful the day.. I kno i 've arranged everything to perfection and it shud work.. But still …. U know….i jus cnt sit for a min without the tension.. i feel guilty to watch tv for a few mins..really i jus cant relax!

But in my dreams.. yes I am… I am those fairy tale brides.. with all smokes and all around my legs :P and a few bridesmaids (I don even kno if i have ONE!) around me… and then ... and then...there is this feelin that am gonna sleep off! Seriously m not kiddin I woke up at 12 noon yesterday… can u believe I shud be dressed up by 7 in the morn on sunday! so I shud b getting up at 4 which means i sleep for 30 mins assuming that I sleep at my regular 3 or 3 30 am timing!i don rem wen i slept peacefully in the last couplea months.. eveerytime is shivarathri.. ironically my weddin reception falls on shivarathri itself! m sure i ll sleep like a log that day!

And then soon the day will be over… the day i waited for since I was 10 years old…i relished cherished and almost gave up will never come... and then it jus came and it ll go in a moment.. and we will be jus another married couple... all the drama all the importance.. all the show and care like we are the only people gettin married will fade out...i am not the centre of the stage anymore.. i kno i shud enjoy it wen i have it...the last 5 months went in a fraction of a second… I have totally lost track of time… a minute lasts for gazillion yrs and days last for seconds.. if u know wat I mean…

3 days and 5 hours.. I will be married.. I will be adopted into a new family.. a new mother.. a new brother… a new life.. I will be a new person…new home.. I will be born again that moment as a wife, a daughter, a sister, a more responsible and more matured person who has to lead a home of her own!

And no no high hopes! am not gonna leave alone even then...u will of course see me write all over again …

Mrs. Swarna Barath

The blogger formerly known as Sansmerci

PS: i lost my blogroll list in this change...please leave a comment, so i can add u on my blogroll again!

Yes i fear the unknown...so do u!

today

i wake up searching for my lost pot of gold
my gift of wonder, my art called words,
some more i lost they said i had
a heart of gold, the gift of love...
i ponder in silence till the mystery unfolds...

yet another day i lose it...
the gazillion flowers that bloom in my heart
my bed-of-roses-life made me smile cos i knew
i knew to express how it felt, pain and pleasure

cant make out anymore, in this sea of emotions
i sink deep and search...yet i leave unanswered
cos its a void at the temple of terror in my head...
so i suppress this pillar of hope to FIND ...

for now, i just decide to search, all that they said i had...

and maybe one day i will actually have it

within me

to let them know that losing is how u find it...

A tribute to the not so FAIR sex....

sometimes life is so unfair...i know thats sucha cliched statement and u already kno this post is fulla my rants :P not really... i am a person who truly believes giving gives happiness and taking only leaves u feelin guilty and uncomfortable... but at some point a gal reaches saturation (Read men are from mars women are from venus!) i kno that book has inspired me lots mayb cos its the only one i ve read in life :D but seriously that almost seems like the story of my life and love ...mayb thats y it took me nuff interest to read it ....

there are many things money cant buy ... love is not one of it anymore... as lotsa ppl say and many ppl think and some people believe...but wat my life has taught me is that appreciation is one of it...it is probably the rarest commodity to get today and hence it is the biggest gift anyone can gimme.. now u kno y all my readers are so valuable? that wasnt said for the sake of readership but truly after all u do .. the least u can get is a smile of appreciation that u ve made someone happy with ur efforts...

like i had writen in my spiderman post... power does not bring in responsibility anymore..its more like someone has the power, some other the responsibility, someone else accounted for and yea the doormat does all the dog work! no m not talkin bout jus the work done or talent shown.. even love expressed ... wen not appreciated (note i din say reciprocated) is the worst thing money or anything u do for that matter can never buy... its jus so elusive!

y am i talkin all this shit? no m not in a good mood u got it rite! and i don even have the rite to trash it on my gtalk status anymore since m gettin married and anything i say in my status seems to be understood related to that! cant i have my usual mood swings :) ok if u don believe me lemme quote a small instance here...

There is young maid in our bangalore house say around 18 yrs old, who falls sick, and her sister (who happens to be even younger) comes to do the chores, i get pissed i tell my mom if she gonna let her do the work i will call the cops rite away for child labor!.. i am seen as an insensible idiot :( who lives by the text book rules ... mom promises to not let her work from the next day...so i look at this almost 8-yr old kid with her torn frock shown all her bak... and with that picture in my head i go to work... its disturbing me all day...i walk thro commercial street (as usual!) on my way bak home and those cute kids wear that i always love to watch and jus waiting to buy for someone n dyin to have kids jus for that sake! invite me inevitable.. i buy some and give this kid outa sheer selfishness of gettin the pleasure of buyin those cute stuff and takin away the guilt of makin the kid work for a day in my house and most of all make her promise that she will go to school regularly henceforth! *interval*

what happens next? she starts comin everyday to our house hopin to get something.. doesnt care bout school anymore.. tries to steal some cds... talks arrogantly to my mom...says that the dress already got old and she needs more after2 weeks... finally runs off with some 100 bucks and never comes bak... what do i get in return? everytime she does something i get all the scoldings like she is my kid! well words go like.. u think ur mother teresa ... u go buy that gal some crap she got on our heads... u jus dono who to trust... ur an idiot of the first order.. ur a fool bcos of u we lost a maid now.... u do all ur social service crap somewhere.. wat u think of urself don show off at home...etc etc.. i was left alone with a tear,... no i din have the heart to curse that kid even then ...i did it for my own pleasure... and i got bak nuff for it!

so that aside... y this title u ask as always... i kno ive always tried to be politically correct and try not to sound feministic... but wat the hell i am a gal and i need to relate wen the unfair sex sends unwarranted accuses in the form of forwarded emails.. oh yea they have this line always with it that says fwd to gals with a sense of humor only! i do have a betetr sense of humor than u wen the joke is on u :)

so this forward mail called 'guys rules' which has been comin to me for almost 3 4 yrs on a regular basis now.. always made me feel sick and irritated tho i never usually relate myself to gals (as most of u know!) with least gal friends to talk to know their attitudes and as most of my readers are men too i don even think of writing anything against them... but there were exceptions.. and this is one such post that will definitely start a controvery! but hey this thing made me feel too unfair on the part of the guys... which i ve quite learnt by experience is a basic characteristics of that gender...no wonder we are called the 'fair sex' and it took me too long to understand this!

so here it goes: My comments are in strong and bold letters! these are not my personal comments, infact some i don even relate to..like shoe shopping n stuff.. but yea 'i' here represents women as stereotyped to be as such!( i am not so.. but whats-ur-problem-even-if-i-am kinds!) :) and the 'u' here truly represents men who follow these rules.. if ur an exception don take it to heart... else pls do.. if u have one that is!

PS: excuse me for some words here.. i jus cudnt let out the frustration without the rite words!

The Guys' Rules
---------------------------

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally! , the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

Please note.. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men ARE not mind readers. - yea they are tube lites

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. - you just complained!

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. - yea its not, shopping is another form of entertainment and it takes some maturity to kno sports is not the only form!

1. Crying is blackmail. - indifference is not human

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!- yea we already know ur tube lites, we got it at the first hint!

1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question. - there is something called 'doin it for u' which leaves us with a 'maybe if u want to' but yea how will u understand what that means?

1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. - what exactly is ur boyfriend's a**-hole for?

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. - that means i need to c a lawyer u idiot! oh yea ur slow at getting hints rite! :P

1 Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days. - find someone with a short term memory loss

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys. - ur already acting like one here!

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. - if u think ur balding... don walk with me wen we go out! (since ur clearly shortsighted to see the extend we go to just look good for YOU !)

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one . - i jus heard u say 'm a loser'!

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. - u don have to tell it.. its apparent that ur good for nothing

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials. - well sorry i love commercials, cant take my eyes off them to waste time on u!

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we. - don waste the goddamn gas and my precious time for ur useless ego's sake!

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. - yea ur ignorant...so? wats ur point?

1. If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that. - very much! we will fart wen u want us to tip toe like a delicate darling in that high heels to ur friends party...

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act likenothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. - exactly y it wasn't worth tellin u wat was rong either!

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear - y do u answer where u don have to... shameless?

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine...Really. - watever makes u think m dressin up for u? don u c the million other eyes on me! :P (so u do kno it and want it rite... y r u in complete denial?)

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,or golf. - don marry me unless ur ready to go shopping for shoes everyday! :P

1. You have enough clothes. - u watch enough tv!

1. You have too many shoes - how come u noticed? i thought u have better work!

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape! - thats a good one... flicked from somewhere.. get real! don cry after i leave...

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight - one thing i accept :) but y just tonite? remember? we dont have short term memory loss!

i always considered women a mystery, men are so open and easy to understand! i jus cant get along with gals and they unanimously hate me i dono y! but i so wish i was a guy so i can fall in love with a gal madly... i think she'll be truly worth it physically and emotionally and morally....

Disclaimer: Like i said none of these are my personal things, its jus to get bak at this email forward i used to get... as lucky that i am.. i ve got a guy who is too broadminded and loving to be sterotyped into any of this... i had to say this cos my wedding is around u ppl shudnt take this personally! A guy with such an attitude wouldnt even be my last choice :)

A truly commercial post

After a point of time.. every blogger becomes this... a bit of masala... tags.. awards.. nowadays awards don mean a thing... every blogger has a million of them listed in each post.. almost losin its meaning... but yea these ppl have been gracious nuff to remember me while givng out this award and am happy :) i ve such nice blog friends...but m not passin this on.. for reasons more than obvious.. almost every blogger on my blogroll has got em!

Multimenon thinks am a lovely blogger...

In his words, the award goes to bloggers who make you really feel at home with their super duper and fantastically calm demeanour plus loads and loads of fun and frolic lighting up the blogosphere with their priceless posts-hugely positive people if I am to say..

thanks a lot multi but b4 my readers hit me with rotten tomatoes and stones, i need to confess that i totally don think so.. lovely is probably the last word that describes my blog ... but u being the lovely person that ur... u've given it to me generously... thank u for that :) and where does calm and postitive even apply to me in the first place :D

Anoobhooti has given me this award that she says is given to blogs that invests and believes in PROXIMITY - nearness in space, time and relationships! These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in prizes or self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers!

Attention yes! i cant have enough of that ever (piscean!) and this is partly true since my blog does invest lota time on relationships and i always thought its something negative, but now Ive got an award n am happy for it... yes i am here to make friends and have a social life... happy to kno m good at it! :)

Now time for the tag (rem the song and dance sequences that has to follow the stunts in the movies? how can we miss em! its like that...)

Prasad tagged me (infact i seized it from him :P!!) i intentionally take up some tags to introspect more and most of all to fill up my blog space while m too hectic with work but still don want my readers to forget me... so this one's too damn easy! i jus need to do some coloring work..:P so i just happily took it up... so here i am highlighting things Ive done in life and not highlighting things m yet to explore! simple aint it?

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink- maybe wen i have a baby... oh well then i cant drink!

02. Swam with dolphins

03. Climbed a mountain

04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive

05. Been inside the Great Pyramid

06. Held a tarantula - duh wat?

07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone - dinner yes! bath?

08. Said “I love you” and meant it - all the time!

09. Hugged a tree - absolutely!

10. Bungee jumped - mayb never :D

11. Visited Paris - wud die to!

12. Watched a lightning storm at sea

13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise - stayed up sure, conscious not sure!

14. Seen the Northern Lights - i dono which side is north, but yea i ve seen lite on most sides...

15. Gone to a huge sports game - mayb i shud b doin this from now on :)

16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa - too much i say!

17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables

18. Touched an iceberg - i ve touched an iceberg lettuce :P

19. Slept under the stars - used to lie down on the terrace often once upon a time...

20. Changed a baby’s diaper

21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon

22. Watched a meteor shower

23. Gotten drunk on champagne - y not! its jus how u drink it that matters :)

24. Given more than you can afford to charity - feels dumb but feels good

25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope

26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment - sometimes i wonder if i just smelt laughing gas!

27. Had a food fight - come'on ur talking to a foodie :P i rem 12 of us jumping over a single piece of cake in school :D

28. Bet on a winning horse

29. Asked out a stranger - if making friends with strangers counts, m used to doing it all the time...!

30. Had a snowball fight - it wasn't as cool as i thought it wud be, it was freezing!

31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can - ask my mom bout that ;)

32. Held a lamb

33. Seen a total eclipse

34. Ridden a roller coaster - NEVER!

35. Hit a home run

36. Danced like a fool and didn’t care who was looking - huh! isn't that like a must wen ur drunk?

37. Adopted an accent for an entire day - for months wen i had to do 'customer service' to some dumbericans who need some words to be pronounced rongly to be understood!

38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment - I don believe i just highlighted that!

39. Had two hard drives for your computer

40. Visited all 50 states - y does everything have to be based on the US!

41. Taken care of someone who was drunk - me? that's the funniest thing i've heard in yrs.. but wait a min yea i have done that too once!... jus returned a favor to a friend who does it for me on a regular basis :) *blindy smiles*

42. Had amazing friends - for two whole years i regret letting go now :(

43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country - was too committed to take up oppurtunities ;)

44. Watched whales

45. Stolen a sign - watever that means...i 've stolen too many things to rem :P

46. Backpacked in Europe - yea rite!

47. Taken a road-trip - Of course Many!!

48. Gone rock climbing

49. Taken a midnight walk on the beach - yes on the Atlantic!

50. Gone sky diving

51. Visited Ireland

52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love - wow! that summarizes my life story

53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them - all the time! wat else will a lone restaurant hopper do :(

54. Visited Japan

55. Milked a cow

56. Alphabetized your CDs - i do arrange them once in a while, counts?

57. Pretended to be a superhero - as said in 'The Incredibles', well everybody's unique!

58. Sung karaoke - at home with friends yes

59. Lounged around in bed all day - mostly wen m sick.. n thats mostly :D

60. Played touch football

61. Gone scuba diving - mayb in the andaman this time (hint hint!)

62. Kissed in the rain - i ve kissed the rain tho :)

63. Played in the mud - always wen i was a kid

64. Played in the rain - love it!

65. Gone to a drive-in theatre - yea in Georgia

66. Visited the Great Wall of China

67. Started a business

68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken- wat is love without heartbreaks

69. Toured ancient sites - i live in an ancient city and its surrounded by many!

70. Taken a martial arts class

71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight

72. Gotten married - don think too hard! morally u kno :P

73. Been in a movie - yes .. no more questions asked

74. Crashed a party - hosts fear my entry :)

75. Gotten divorced

76. Gone without food for 5 days - Yes i crash dieted with nothing to eat for almost a month wen in college! Man wish i had the strong will to do that now!

77. Made cookies from scratch - YES with white chocolate and it was yummy!

78. Won first prize in a costume contest - guess wat i was? vegetable vendor :P

79. Ridden a gondola in Venice

80. Gotten a tattoo - Not 1 but 3 of them!

81. Rafted the Snake River

82. Been on a television news program as an “expert” - but m sure i will be one day soon!

83. Gotten flowers for no reason - got it once cos its a Wednesday from who else ;;)

84. Performed on stage - everybody does in school

85. Been to Las Vegas

86. Recorded music - yea on my comp by myself !

87. Eaten Shark

88. Kissed on the first date - how about the second?

89. Gone to Thailand

90. Bought a house

91. Been in a combat zone

92. Buried one/both of your parents

93. Been on a cruise ship - a casino cruise that is!

94. Spoken more than one language fluently - English, Tamil and Tanglish!

95. Performed in Rocky Horror

96. Raised children

97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour

98. Passed out cold - in most parties!

99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country - in another couplea months :D

100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over - shifted countries to start afresh...

101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge

102. Sang loudly in the car - car or bike but i definitely do!

103. Had plastic surgery

104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived - yes it still hurts my head after almost 8 yrs :O

105. Wrote articles for a large publication - used to write for Gokulam as a kid and yea even now i ve had my poetry published and stuff...

106. Lost over 100 pounds - duh! i only weigh around so much

107. Held someone while they were having a flashback

108. Piloted an airplane

109. Touched a stingray - excuse me?

110. Broken someone’s heart - YES and everytime i get my heart broken i mock at myself mercilessly saying 'what goes around comes around'

111. Helped an animal give birth

112. Won money on a TV game show

113. Broken a bone - Yea...both my head and tail to be precise :D

114. Gone on an African photo safari

115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears - nose! but not anymore

116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol

117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild

118. Ridden a horse - think so wen i was a kid...

119. Had major surgery - appendicitis is major?

120. Had a snake as a pet

121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon

122. Slept for 30 hours in a 48 hour period - lemme first learn to sleep 8 hrs!

123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. States - only US! :(

124. Visited all 7 continents

125. Taken a canoe trip

126. Eaten kangaroo meat

127. Eaten sushi - hate it

128. Had your picture in the newspaper - Yes, for partying at 10D!

129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about - i wish!

130. Gone back to school

131. Parasailed

132. Touched a cockroach - eeeeeeeeeks no!

133. Eaten fried green tomatoes - hmm think so... somewhere... never mind...

134. Read The Iliad and The Odyssey

135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school and read - yea merci ;)

136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating

137. Skipped all your school reunions - seriously i missed almost all my friends weddings... school and college...

138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language

139. Been elected to public office - was elected as SPL in a school i joined the previous week and left the very next day :) !

140. Written your own computer language- written my own language on the computer!

141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream - yea wen i get to write for a major client or simply get some appreciation for my reviews :)

142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care - i didn't put him exactly but ive seen him there almost half his life and more than half of my childhood...

143. Built your own PC from parts

144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you - i consider sellin blogspace to someone unknown as equal to this.. but anyway all my freelance work are my art (of writing) sold to someone unknown rite!

145. Had a booth at a street fair - inside college tho

146. Dyed your hair - almost every color u can possibly think of!

147. Been a DJ

148. Shaved your head

149. Caused a car accident - Car? nope (saved!)

150. Saved someone’s life- i ve been underweight to donate blood..mayb i shud try now!

Uff! that took much longer than i thought...any of u wanna takeup the tag? pls feel free to seize it like i did! will c ya soon with more time on my hands and a proper post to read :)

Who says you cant go home?

As the humid salty and hot early morning wind blew swiftly across my hair and face wakin me up bak to reality... bak home... bak to life or lets say my life.. or even better wen i say my kinda life...i almost instantly started typin in my mind... this post... the one on Chennai and the feelings and emotions associated with it ... CUT! (i did try writing like a writer... didnt i?... no? ok forget it...lets continue b4 i lose sequence once again :D)

i kno i kno.. m a drama queen.. i jus been outa the place for a month or a lil more now and i already feel nostalgic wen i get bak there for a couplea days.. But man! home is home rite? i felt the same way after i returned there in '06 too.. a place ive never left for more than 2 days.. i left for a year and a half... everyone said i ll start to hate it once i leave it.. but i only fell in love with it more.. in its absence or my absence in it.. and comfort'll spoil u eh? whoever says home's not comfortable? is, according to me, an emotional orphan...

This time the problem was a different one! My train to Chennai is at 11 45 PM in Cauvery Express and i casually watch the news (which btw in itself is news!) and the headlines go like1. Tight security in airports and railway stations (rite after mumbai attacks!), many flights were cancelled, 2. the water level (esp in my area) in Chennai after cyclone 'Nisha' was still horrible and ppl were travelin by boat, and there was a cyclone threat the very next day wen i had booked my return ticket!, 3. the babar masjid thingie was on that day....ahm.. Dec 6th i guess? and so there was for threat in public places...no wonder! and 4. was the best..our very own cauvery issue and there was some problem being created in trains between no-points-for-guessing where? Bangalore and Chennai of course (Remember Cauvery Express?) ... When everyone said i need to cancel my tickets! There i stood... brave and patriotic :P WHO SAYS I CANT GO HOME? After all i was there so many years and ppl are scarin me from goin there for a day? i went, i suvived and am bak! with all ur blessings i must add :P

Ah! i never want religion or politics in my blog thts the main reason i never wrote bout even the cruel mumbai incident... but somehow it peeps in.. i truly hate these subjects partly due to irritation and partly due to my ignorance which u wud be knowing by now!

So now comin bak to Namma Chennai ... as soon as i got down in the chennai central station, wow! the smell of chennai, hated by many, i jus took a deep breath... m homeeeeeeeeee! and the notorious autoguys! how can someone even start writing a post on Chennai without a reference to them? As they approached me buggin like pests to give them a share of my non-existant fortune to drop me home... i usually bark bak releasing half of my frustration from the journey... but this time i gave a knowing smile.. that meant so much to me... things like oh-how-i-missed-this and gosh-this-never-changes...and a lot more! Yea i kno the auto guys must've thought m nuts or i din understand tamil or m another tourist to milk from! .. duh who cares? there's a flashback already reeling in my head...my eloquence in Chennai Tamil, my days of outsmarting the smart auto guys.. my rides to office... my fites with the auto stand group and my pride in marchin away from them ... (well u'll never kno the kidnap and rape scenes that run in my head wen m doin the forward march... hmm unless u do some sorta psychic reading or read this post now of course!)

...and wen the auto started and sped away 15 kms in 10 mins! the humid salty hot wind blowin against my hair...reminded me once again... this speed.. this rush.. i missed it.. everything seems slower wen m not in Chennai... life comes to a full stop or at times some dots like this... a very long one in that...even the autos are freakin slow leave alone missin my dear bikey ... sometimes i jus feel like gettin out and walkin along with the 'ricks' in bangalore! People say m too damn fast, i need a speed breaker... now i kno where i got it from.. its in the blood i c, its in the brought up! Who else brought me up u think? Other than the city that made me so strong, taught me to be shrewd and told me that am capable... and whatever and everything that is i am today... i can survive and adapt to any place with the lessons learnt from this place called Home... where my heart always is... and will be...

So i say with pride today... u can take the gal outa the city, but u can never EVER take the city outa the gal! WHAT SAY?

PS: Before you ask me or come to a decision about my 'titling' skills, why do i name mosta my posts after a song? One, cos it easily comes to my head, two, cos it gets a lota hits and brings in new readers from google...i kno wat ur thinkin...shameless! :P

Back BUT from BANGalore!

Hello pplzzzzzzzzzz

i c u missin me bad eh ... i ve been missin internet n blogsphere bad too!... reason: 1. the rain, 2. the diwali, 3. the bangalore and 4. the wedding :)

Firstly, the rain... will u believe me if i told u it took me 4hrs and 15 mins to reach less than 15 kms (from nungambakkam to velachery)? well if u don here is a photo story i did on the same... chek it out!

http://picasaweb.google.com/sansmerci/TheJourney#

Check it out n tell me how it is?

i, for a change din curse my bike, my fate and the ppl around but sat in an autorickshaw, took pics and had fun in the flood! seriously... the anti-anxiety pills r workin eh ???... ofcourse it does at least on my appetite!... hope i don gain bak all the kgs i lost ... i jus started lookin mlike myself again after all the med stoped..uff again..atleast not for the next few months until .. until i am no more single and (may or maynot be) available ......oh yes! thats the big news i wanted to share in the last but one post... and thats the point number 4 in there 'the wedding' is on feb 22nd '09 :) and m already on my toes running around for it since point number 3 happened i.e., i had to rush to bangalore.. where i am rite now n will b for some time i guess... the point 2 is understood i guess.. but this time diwali was special and so much fun after say 10 yrs? i was a kid again and hope to b ever after from now on :)

I hope m not a runaway bride since m sinkin knee-deep in cold feet... that shud b called a cold leg i guess..i jus dono wat the future holds.. as of now m excited bout the weddin than the marriage.. if u kno wat i mean..n if at all i have to b married after the wedding.. for that sake.. i can compromise ;)...but on a serious note (if it sounds so)... i really am lookin for a miracle... to either change my mindset or my life.. as of now the docs taken over again... no m not bak to help to my kryptonite.. i guess i ve grown up for good...

With that note i wud like to finish two of my leftover tags... sorry ppl for this late compliance.. but u shudve known sooner or later i will do it.. the love i ve for tags and talkin bout myself...

Psychedelic tagged me to write 4 random things about myself.. boo.. i write so many random things bout myself all the time that half of u cnt make sense of.. anyways since she asked for it and i don like disappointing friends :P.. here it goes...

random 1: i talk too much to many people and too little to some people.. i dono y.. but wen i talk its jus random with no sequence of thought or logic.. i jus don think .. one topic to another i jus have to spill it all out else i ll feel so heavy and incomplete and kinda disoriented.. i dono .. i really dono y!

random 2: i have a very low self esteem but very high self confidence...don ask me how.. am askin myself too!

random 3: i am very very i mean really clumsy.. i cant behave.. m worse than a kid.. i cant eat without spillin my food.. i cant walk without tripping.. shit m a slapstick freakin clown..m not comfy in anything but casuals ...so not elegant to be called a gal... and can easily be befriended and also laufed at by any kid below 5..

random 4: i cant write wen under pressure, i jus cant ... and if m forced to i get tears and i hate myself for being a bad writer that i start thinkin of other career options... but wen nobody bothers me the words jus flow outa my bloody head for no reason.. n i jus bug ppl to read it ... n i jus get so proud of myself and my life...

Now Anoobhooti tagged me to write 5 of my addictions, now thats simple and even u cud answer it if u jus hit 5 random posts of mine int he last 2 yrs... anyways....

Addiction 1: OFCOURSE the internet, i live on it, eat and sleep internet.. wen i don have access, i feel like my life line is cut and i mite die any minute.. yes i can live without oxygen but not the net.. i have no real friends.. n all my used-to-be real friends if any i ever had are in touch only thro it.. no internet.. no merci.. no swarna...

Addiction 2: Love and pampering.. i cant be without being loved and pampered ..the min i feel m not loved i start questionin my existence and decide otherwise.. dangerous and emotional addiction.. but beyond my control..mayb thats y i jus cant stay single even for a day ...

Addiction 3: substances yes! but no! i mean its like on andoff wen m really emotionally down .. i jus need somethin to get me either high or low... i cant deny it... n i wont.. but i ve absolutely got over it... alcohol is not my thing tho.. it used to b.. wen i m happy or sad to celebrate or to drown myself in it...but my kryptonite viz. my happy pills have and will always be my weakness.. the min u hurt me its the first thing on my mind for help.. i shud say i ve got over it partially... n ofcourse the heavenly cancer-stiks used to be my first love... which is nomore too (like anyother love of mine)... but then u ll never forget ur first love rite?... these were my addictions .. so at present i jus live in past glory :) if thats an addiction.. but substance addiction in someway or other.. say atleast on binging food will always remain with me..

Addiction 4: Comin to simpler things... lets say shopping is an addiction.. abusin my cc is my pastime... kids and playin with em is an addiction..i jus cant leave any kid and go home. .. m greedy n i want them all... giving is an addiction.. i keep buyin ppl something.. i keep doin something for someone no matter wat... or how they treat me ... i keep tryin to impress ppl.. satisfy everyone... its a very bad addiction and i ll never get over it... i fall in love and get crushes so easily ... guys are an addiction.. more than that gals are an addiction.. there are so many times i wish i was a guy ... they r jus fabulous n so not mine.. but yea i keep tryin additively to befriend them... food is a big time addiction.. i kno i eat very poor but i jus need to keep tastin variety and this obssession is insatiable too.. but yea it paid off in the form of burrp and blogs tho...

Addiction 5: Doin em tags are an addiction in itself ... yea u got me...i just cant think nemore...

alwrite i ll shut up ... so now u kno ....next time u tag me u ll think twice eh :)

My sansmerci.in domain is expiring in a month, since m gonna b mrs. brat in feb... i'm really confused bout my identity just like i ve no clue bout my own personality.. shud i stay the same or shud be what i shud b .. but then wat is it that i shud b?... i ve a poll on the rite side... choose what u think i shud choose plz :) so my id and my address will change (or not change) from 2009 according to your wish....

shuttin up until next time ......

Torn apart.....

Here's another short post that follows the very long one....

I need help choosin between two options again, its a life decision and i hope u'all can help..before i put forward THE Question! lemme add a lil more gyan on the topic so it doesnt become incomprehensible like last time...

But to express... i've lost the flair to write poetry... i thought its cos my dark days are over... and i cant write for nuts wen m happy or sober... not that i ve been really happy.. but yes i ve been too sober... but hey think m getting bak there.. so for starters lets let papa roach and linkin park sing for me ....

The current tracks playing on the playlist o' ma head is...

I'm tired of being what you want me to be,
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
i Don't know what you are expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
Every step that I take is another mistake to you

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware,
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

and....

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I left my heart open
But you didn't understand....

when papa roach wrote this song,they wudnt have even imagined that its so for me and it will have the honor to appear on my blog... :)

Now help me ...

Tell me whats more painful ....

A bad liver?

or

A broken heart?

For ppl who cant form ur words (jus like i cant)... i've got a poll on the side, choose the option that you would rather stay with..

PS: Sorry this was supposed to be a short post rite? ... duh! i've become so eloquent :P

A letter to my 18-year-old self

I almost forgot how it feels to write a post. I have been so much bloghopping these days (and takin care of my second baby cruly ignoring the first) that i almost din realise that its been long since i posted here.. while my lil baby here was carryin the promotion for my foodie blog with no complains :) this post has been long pending.. by which i mean really long wen i read this post 'a letter to my 18-year old self' in Ritu's blog, searched for blogs with that post and read many bloggers who have done a lot of introspection by doin this little exercise.. seriously i wanted that relief in myself i decided to tag myself on it.. but never had the time to post that...

So here it goes... (a blush jus creeped into my face... gosh wat am i turnin into :O.. ive actually lost my sense of i-don-give-a-damn writing.. ok now thats another post by itself on how subconsciously writers start writing FOR their readers.. even if they rebel not to...oh oh lost track! .... )

Dear Swarna

First of all, who the F*** do u think ur? sorry for sucha rude start, i kno am elder to u and i need to teach u how to speak with respect, hell no.. this is how ur language will grow.. as u get older.. the more life frustrates u the more fs in ur language increase invariably... but seriously who do u think ur? earth to girly! Come down to the 'real world' whre u ll be welcomed with a lot or stones and rotten eggs soon... You aint no beauty queen.. you aint no conquerer of the world.. u not gonna rule any kingdoms.. u not gonna have princes fallin outa horses to their knees to woo u...

I am sure u have learnt quite a lot in last 2 years, havent u? Rem this, Life aint one big honeymoon, dont keep fallin for romantic losers who lose their romance faster than their head.. n this attention u get.. wont last forever..u mite think guys are at ur disposal today, u will die for a word or touch of love in future.. well stop searchin for true love.. accept love wen shown to u.. too much searchin will end up in total waste of time and ur life.. in the end no use regreting hurting and losin someone who u think is the one... wen u actually grow up and realise who ur and what u need...it mite b too late to have that someone u missed! well no m not even tlkin bout the person ur callin ur bf now.. yea u ll give ur life for him today and go against the world for him .. tomo he ll mean nothin to u .. as much u wont recognise him when u see him on the same street as urs... trust me but life goes on... and if not virtually single.. u will find lonliness and the feelin of being unloved ur company for life ... get used to it .. well u wont even kno wat i mean now.. hmm i think i wud jus say enjoy the love and attention that u get an overdose of to the jealousy of others.. u ll soon b a loser for life...

n hey don worry about studyin in a school for a college .. u ll soon enjoy the best college days of anyones life ...u will actually have real 'friends' in life!.. how does it feel to be at the peak of a hill and the hit the valley.. yes get ready for the best 2 yrs of ur life and then hit rock bottom.. i wish u don make the rong decisions u do.. but then eveything happens for good and i can only say don lose hope and never HATE anyone no mtter wat... n if u hurt someone ... don regret too late..wat goes around comes around .. n b ready for it.. u f***in deserve it.. well life's not a big honeymoon honey m tellin u yet again..there r no fairy tales or happy endings.. not everyone understds ur language of love.. do not overrate it...do not overlong for it... stop trusting ur mom on unconditional love .. its not true.. u don get it.. u cant give it without being taken for granted and fooled.. somehow it works only with moms..

Learn to sleep! whatever trbl u mite face.. b independant.. u gonna have a lota trbl due to not learning these two things .. emotional dependancy is not something to b proud of.. jus cos ur not financially dependant... dependancy is a syndrome.. (on substance or people) ..a disease u ll b treated for.. and yea dreams....if u think thts wat makes ur life go on.. then stop living rite away cos not all dreams come true (infact u ll come to a stage u ll forget how it feels to dream).. STOP DREAMING! GET REAL! No u will not have that dream house by the beach ur dreamin of, but u wont even have a house of ur own.. oh well first of all u shud have a life of ur own..hehe.. u dono wat the opposite of freedom is today.. u ve been brght up oh-so-broadminded and free of any restrictions.. wonderin how it ll b if u don have the basic freedom to live life the way u want to? oh man! and get ready for some dark days.. accidents.. a lot of heart breaks..and i mean a lot of! No u have no idea wat that means now.. well u ll have ur share of everything...in the end it is fun m tellin u.. how many times do u think u ll flirt with death? take a guess? m i scarin u too much? ... duh! i think u shud b happy that ur life ll b a lot eventful than ur plannin it to b...

Do not take what u learnt from ur relationship to the next.. its not the same always.. Don lose ur friends u can never ever get em bak.. don break relationships easily it can never ever patch bak like it used to be.. gettin it bak is like stickin a glass together.. if u kno wat i mean.. Stop over reacting to things.. stop havin opinons there'll b a time they wont count nemore..and if u don have the strength to stand for wat u rebel against,.,.. freakin shut up.. don keep cribbing bout it.. n hey u WILL lose all ur energy to rebel against anything in life.. trust me U WILL SUCCUMB.. u'll be jus another gal compriomising her values for normal life (which as far as i kno u've not had until 2008, yes u will believe to have it in future) .. u ll b JUST ANOTHER PERSON.. nothin special..nothin unique.. jus anther hypocrite living in the face of earth..awww! whats that look on ur face.. kinda familiar to me..hmm... do u feel like hittin me with a brick? hate me? face it! I am YOU in a few years from now on :)..

Since u beg me i tell u some good things i can think of.. hmm .. hmm.. i think ur overrating love and the goodness of giving love unconditionally will pay off someday .. don give it up .. m sure u wont even if ur beaten out to hell.. being the loser tht ur... well somewhere down my heart.. i believe in it sweetheart .. oh oh.. lets delete these lines... oh yea one more good thing of ur unrestrained galivanting around the city n eating in every nook and corner will pay off.... wonderin how? anythin done with passion gives good results trust me n love ur city that u hate now.. u gonna do it by default soon and the city will love u bak nuff for it.. n u wont believe this if i tell u .. but after all the shit u ve been thro and lost hope on ur career and talent (there'll be a point wen u think mayb ppl r rite.. if ur a good student.. u need to be a doc or engineer.. haha!) .. U WILL BECOME A WRITER! ok fine dont believe me :P dumb gal...!!!! (do i see a smile? :P)

But hey since i do love u as a child i would like to give some advice to ...i ll tell u one secret u need to kno to hold on to ur life strongly..which u will lauf at me now for.... u mite hate ur bro .. u mite think ur moms a nobody.. but if u will have something to live for in future... it will be.. YOUR FAMILY.. nothin else is urs.... u ll kno it pretty soon...

PS: Get over ur dad.. that could be the first step u can do to fix ur life.. u will never be able to fill his space and thats the freakin truth ..

Your's truly
Sansmerci (No u dint change ur name in the Gazette, its jus an evolved form of ur f***ed up head)

Alrite! Uff! Does it feel gr8 to get bak to my kinda writing? Yes it does.. rem those days wen i jus write the flow of my head without thinkin who's readin and what ll they think..but now that i ve a diff circle of blog friends.. acutally everyone from every age and class and attitude.. i dono what me and my blogs becomin.. i cud write more freely wen i wasnt judged...well this time i realised i shud b myself and this one place i got where i can use as a friend wen m down and happy... Oh! thinkin of happy.. Yes i do have somethin to share wth everyone ... but hey not in this ugly post .. lets save it for the next one!

Disclaimer: This post was not meant to hurt anyone or blame anyone for my life.. its purely a letter to myself about the many mistakes 'I' and only 'I' have committed in life and the lessons learnt thro these yrs thro many events and many ppl and many phases ..

Now for ppl who want to introspect.. i wud so love to read what each of u have to say to ur 18-year old self.. do u dare to take it up?