Promoting Narcissism

Its been long since I wrote a really random jus-typin-down-my-thoughts-as-they-flow post..in fact its been too long I actually wrote …I ve gotten outa touch with myself lately.. I ve numbed thoughts and not letting it flow.. I can sense I ve done it to myself consciously. but it takes a lot more for me to write as freely as I cud..bad I guess for a writer..cos no writing is good nuff if its not from the heart..i dono if its cos I ve become a readers writer…I still rem times wen I started the blog I din care who reads and jus wrote for my own let-out and used it as my punching bag…a diary I used this one as…but once the readership increased.. perception of the readers started influencing, sub-consiously tho I was in total denial..i guess now that I ve lost touch and lost readers too in the process… I can get to back to myself? (wait a min, am I shooing away even the few ppl who read me now..duh!) but anyways frankly now I cant write anything but for work..that explains y my food blogs are updated regularly..altho m too busy to write here…mayb cos m lovin it now too much and its like an addiction in itself…my work my hobby my everything it has become..sometimes overwhelming for myself.. still not got enuff of it..thanksfully!

and yea of course on facebook.. I think thts the culprit..everytime something strikes me now I have somewhere to express it rite away than pile it along n develop on it and write a proper post spillin my heart out.. (mayb I shud do a quotable quotes by sansmerci – part 2 post!) it usually goes unrecognized or misunderstood since its incomplete, even from my end.. I cant express wat I actually want to.. tho it feels nice to come up with status msgs reflectin my mood I shud agree.. in fact the whole industry is running on it now.. online media networking and even social marketing…wat else is twitter based on? Somehow m not into twitter (thank goodness!) but facebook yes takes all my free time nowadays..

What are we actually doing?! better communication and technology has actually tampered communication itself! I know all the blah about internet reducing socialization and stuff..but now even communicating has become short n quick n mostly half-hearted...i rem talkin for hours on the fone with friends in school days..now its mostly i catch up with them on chat all day so doesnt matter (probably my mom wud complain the same bout fones..there is nothing like meetin friends n talkin in person!)...'words' to me now means typed ones than spoken ones and smiles ve become smileys.. ironically tho it connects us to the oldest of friends from school and kindergarden too..which wud ve been a far-fetched dream even a decade ago…so we are supp to be more social now rite?

Hmm I dono its kinda confusing..i ve a million ppl online ..i feel on top of the world sometimes love being the centre of attraction … tell ppl wat am doin now.. show off my poetic writing ability..smart thinking..jus express how m feeling and get noticed for it…sometimes impossible to handle the number of ppl who buzz me during the day.. but in the end I only try to control my smiles at the monitor..lest ppl near me (who I dono at all!) shud think otherwise…and of course I eat my lunch alone! Maybe its jus me.. or mayb I need to get a life.. but somehow I c life goin on only in here…is it true? Or is there a real world still out there? I envy ppl who are completely internet illiterate and have no idea bout this big wild world out here..taking over our lives…

Ok so wat am I trying to say…I dono..i jus have this eerie feelings that this huge narcissistic promotions going on thro social networking .. is doin no good to the personality..its infact pretty depressing wen u get tired of it or jus don have access someday and feel left outa the world…like orkut was everything one day..it was where I used to wake n go to sleep to…now I don even login there nemore! Yahoo used to be my breath and today I don rem my yahoo password to login the messenger…And so will facebook or gtalk be soon…it certainly feels too lonely out here in this BIG internet world with access to a million ppl from anywhere in the world at ur fingertips..agree?

If looks cud kill....then i must b writing this from hell...

Is it virtually possible to send out hate vibes to people? i have never hated anyone in my life ... i have had angers .. i have hated peoples specific characteristics.. i ve shouted and threatened to kill ppl too in moments of anger... i dislike some ppl at first site.. i dislike some ppl even b4 i meet them .. i ve been jealous.. i ve envied...i ve spited...i ve cursed...but i have never hated anyone in this last 26 years per se, i cant think of one person ...neither can i think of anyone who has hated me so much... again there are ppl who think m arrogant, m stupid, m selfish, m heartless, m an asshole... etc etc.. but jus plainly hate me for who i am? mayb someone does and i never knew it but it has never bothered me as much.. cos noone has ever meant that much to me in life to be affected by their vibes over me ... i am preacher of love and giving and wud foolishly give even if u keep on takin.. no m not proud of it .. i let ppl walk all over me cos of it .. it is my disease!

But NOW i feel hated... i feel hate vibes all around me.. don get me wrong.. its not bout family or friends they are all very supportive and infact takin all the shit i am givin them ...but there is hate and evil vibes all around me and i can feel it haunting me .. eating me alive...like a death machine...giving me brain shivers....am i paranoid...or am i really being hated so much? have u ever felt it? is it true? a vibe that can kill u .. looks that can give u a nervous breakdown...

Outta the Blue...

Beep Beep

Busy?

Beep Beep

What will a single woman be busy with at this time in the nite?

Beep Beep

(Absolutely outa the blue) Do you think Indian women are less Virile?

Beep Beep

Duh wat? (bad vocab for a copywriter i kno i kno :))

Beep Beep

... are they less horny?

Beep Beep

whatever makes you think so?

Beep Beep

It's just a general opinion

Beep Beep

I dont think so and its too huge an issue to be generalised so easily!

Beep Beep

I am not generalising but it jus seems so

Beep Beep

i think talkin bout sex esp by women has been considered a taboo in Indian society and that makes women shut up when they feel horny but that doesnt make them any less hornier than ur and i don think its the case anymore.. infact women are becomin too open about their sexuality these days much beyond men do..don u watch movies.. y r u thinkin so conservative.. wat makes u think so.. i think ur judgin on the basis of someone u kno? Do you think its good that they are less horny or do u have a prob with it? and what is rong if they are.. its not that they are.. but i strongly feel that u need to wake up to the present... times have changed and u have to agree... Ding! SMS limit reached

Trin Trin Trin

Me: Hello?

snakecharmer: Wow u actually picked up a call? Are you ok? why do u get so tensed for this?

Me: i am not a 'fone' person u kno...fone calls make me feel weird! i can yap away in person ...or am better on sms or even better online! i've already started bloggin bout this in my head!

snakecharmer: Man i wudnt write such a thing in my blog...

Me: There u go... so ur less hornier than i thought eh!

snakecharmer: Cme'on Sans... my parents'll read my blog.. my cousins will.. my bro will!

Me: So what.. so does my mother.. so will my MIL soon! What else is bloggin there for.. and how do to expect ppl to be interested in ur blog otherwise?

snakecharmer: hmm...why dont you write on how not to flirt with women? i'm sure u've met numerous guys who've hit on u having absolutely no idea how to do it!

Me: i cant write on a given topic! i suck at it!

snakecharmer: Trust me Sans .. u'll write very well on it and it'll be an instant hit!

Me: silent

snakecharmer: How about this? "How to give men sleepless nights" atleast dont say u dont know how to do that!!!!

Me: yea rite!

snakecharmer: Trust me, it will make an interesting piece for ur readers... i've tasted both beauty and wine and wud say without a doubt that beauty is more intoxicating than wine...

Me: silent

snakecharmer: Man! what does a man have to do to prove himself in these situations...

Me: silent

snakecharmer: (giving up) Hmm ok I think u shud jus stick to wat u do best?

Me: and that is ...?

snakecharmer: FLIRT!

Bang!

Beep Beep

Ok now tell me ... Wassup????

What am tryin to say? well first and foremost.. i ve forgotten how to write a post! been busy.. yea u read it rite .. for a change i was busy with work.. and squeezin in time to read other blogs now and then ... and yea i've been thinkin wat to blog on but hell cudnt get anything at all.. i need a lota inspiration i see. the more happier my life's gettin the worst my words are gettin ... now i dono if i shud hope for a better life or for better words? it is a tuff decision i tell u .. knowin how much my words mean my life to me!

Anyways the above conversation raised a lot of 'whys' in my head which i thought i ll put down here since i have nothin else to write about and i dont want this blog to be forgotten until my brain resumes bak to actually writing something read-worthy, if it ever does...

So here it goes:

Why are women who speak bout their sexuality casually considered an outcast? or are they even considered so anymore?

Why is that a man who is not horny nuff incapable but a woman who is too horny a whore?

Why is SMSing/chattin and blogggin more comfortable to express views and opinions? Or is it just me?

Why do women never believe men and men always wanna prove themselves?

Why is beauty considered more intoxicating than wine? or is it not?

Why do people generalize so much? Is it impossible to not judge? i mean i am already generalising here!

Why are grown-ups scared to let out their opinion in public? Who are we hiding those public secrets from?

Why do conversations between the opposite genders always involve something that is considered not-so-appropriate to be considered interesting?

Why am i not good at anything else but flirting?

Why the hell do i care?

PS: I am having a painfully severe block, can u suggest something i am good at writing so i can refresh my blog from the next post making it read-worthy? or mayb u suggest i take this as a sign and shut down this blog for good and give you some peace eh?

A letter to my 18-year-old self

I almost forgot how it feels to write a post. I have been so much bloghopping these days (and takin care of my second baby cruly ignoring the first) that i almost din realise that its been long since i posted here.. while my lil baby here was carryin the promotion for my foodie blog with no complains :) this post has been long pending.. by which i mean really long wen i read this post 'a letter to my 18-year old self' in Ritu's blog, searched for blogs with that post and read many bloggers who have done a lot of introspection by doin this little exercise.. seriously i wanted that relief in myself i decided to tag myself on it.. but never had the time to post that...

So here it goes... (a blush jus creeped into my face... gosh wat am i turnin into :O.. ive actually lost my sense of i-don-give-a-damn writing.. ok now thats another post by itself on how subconsciously writers start writing FOR their readers.. even if they rebel not to...oh oh lost track! .... )

Dear Swarna

First of all, who the F*** do u think ur? sorry for sucha rude start, i kno am elder to u and i need to teach u how to speak with respect, hell no.. this is how ur language will grow.. as u get older.. the more life frustrates u the more fs in ur language increase invariably... but seriously who do u think ur? earth to girly! Come down to the 'real world' whre u ll be welcomed with a lot or stones and rotten eggs soon... You aint no beauty queen.. you aint no conquerer of the world.. u not gonna rule any kingdoms.. u not gonna have princes fallin outa horses to their knees to woo u...

I am sure u have learnt quite a lot in last 2 years, havent u? Rem this, Life aint one big honeymoon, dont keep fallin for romantic losers who lose their romance faster than their head.. n this attention u get.. wont last forever..u mite think guys are at ur disposal today, u will die for a word or touch of love in future.. well stop searchin for true love.. accept love wen shown to u.. too much searchin will end up in total waste of time and ur life.. in the end no use regreting hurting and losin someone who u think is the one... wen u actually grow up and realise who ur and what u need...it mite b too late to have that someone u missed! well no m not even tlkin bout the person ur callin ur bf now.. yea u ll give ur life for him today and go against the world for him .. tomo he ll mean nothin to u .. as much u wont recognise him when u see him on the same street as urs... trust me but life goes on... and if not virtually single.. u will find lonliness and the feelin of being unloved ur company for life ... get used to it .. well u wont even kno wat i mean now.. hmm i think i wud jus say enjoy the love and attention that u get an overdose of to the jealousy of others.. u ll soon b a loser for life...

n hey don worry about studyin in a school for a college .. u ll soon enjoy the best college days of anyones life ...u will actually have real 'friends' in life!.. how does it feel to be at the peak of a hill and the hit the valley.. yes get ready for the best 2 yrs of ur life and then hit rock bottom.. i wish u don make the rong decisions u do.. but then eveything happens for good and i can only say don lose hope and never HATE anyone no mtter wat... n if u hurt someone ... don regret too late..wat goes around comes around .. n b ready for it.. u f***in deserve it.. well life's not a big honeymoon honey m tellin u yet again..there r no fairy tales or happy endings.. not everyone understds ur language of love.. do not overrate it...do not overlong for it... stop trusting ur mom on unconditional love .. its not true.. u don get it.. u cant give it without being taken for granted and fooled.. somehow it works only with moms..

Learn to sleep! whatever trbl u mite face.. b independant.. u gonna have a lota trbl due to not learning these two things .. emotional dependancy is not something to b proud of.. jus cos ur not financially dependant... dependancy is a syndrome.. (on substance or people) ..a disease u ll b treated for.. and yea dreams....if u think thts wat makes ur life go on.. then stop living rite away cos not all dreams come true (infact u ll come to a stage u ll forget how it feels to dream).. STOP DREAMING! GET REAL! No u will not have that dream house by the beach ur dreamin of, but u wont even have a house of ur own.. oh well first of all u shud have a life of ur own..hehe.. u dono wat the opposite of freedom is today.. u ve been brght up oh-so-broadminded and free of any restrictions.. wonderin how it ll b if u don have the basic freedom to live life the way u want to? oh man! and get ready for some dark days.. accidents.. a lot of heart breaks..and i mean a lot of! No u have no idea wat that means now.. well u ll have ur share of everything...in the end it is fun m tellin u.. how many times do u think u ll flirt with death? take a guess? m i scarin u too much? ... duh! i think u shud b happy that ur life ll b a lot eventful than ur plannin it to b...

Do not take what u learnt from ur relationship to the next.. its not the same always.. Don lose ur friends u can never ever get em bak.. don break relationships easily it can never ever patch bak like it used to be.. gettin it bak is like stickin a glass together.. if u kno wat i mean.. Stop over reacting to things.. stop havin opinons there'll b a time they wont count nemore..and if u don have the strength to stand for wat u rebel against,.,.. freakin shut up.. don keep cribbing bout it.. n hey u WILL lose all ur energy to rebel against anything in life.. trust me U WILL SUCCUMB.. u'll be jus another gal compriomising her values for normal life (which as far as i kno u've not had until 2008, yes u will believe to have it in future) .. u ll b JUST ANOTHER PERSON.. nothin special..nothin unique.. jus anther hypocrite living in the face of earth..awww! whats that look on ur face.. kinda familiar to me..hmm... do u feel like hittin me with a brick? hate me? face it! I am YOU in a few years from now on :)..

Since u beg me i tell u some good things i can think of.. hmm .. hmm.. i think ur overrating love and the goodness of giving love unconditionally will pay off someday .. don give it up .. m sure u wont even if ur beaten out to hell.. being the loser tht ur... well somewhere down my heart.. i believe in it sweetheart .. oh oh.. lets delete these lines... oh yea one more good thing of ur unrestrained galivanting around the city n eating in every nook and corner will pay off.... wonderin how? anythin done with passion gives good results trust me n love ur city that u hate now.. u gonna do it by default soon and the city will love u bak nuff for it.. n u wont believe this if i tell u .. but after all the shit u ve been thro and lost hope on ur career and talent (there'll be a point wen u think mayb ppl r rite.. if ur a good student.. u need to be a doc or engineer.. haha!) .. U WILL BECOME A WRITER! ok fine dont believe me :P dumb gal...!!!! (do i see a smile? :P)

But hey since i do love u as a child i would like to give some advice to ...i ll tell u one secret u need to kno to hold on to ur life strongly..which u will lauf at me now for.... u mite hate ur bro .. u mite think ur moms a nobody.. but if u will have something to live for in future... it will be.. YOUR FAMILY.. nothin else is urs.... u ll kno it pretty soon...

PS: Get over ur dad.. that could be the first step u can do to fix ur life.. u will never be able to fill his space and thats the freakin truth ..

Your's truly
Sansmerci (No u dint change ur name in the Gazette, its jus an evolved form of ur f***ed up head)

Alrite! Uff! Does it feel gr8 to get bak to my kinda writing? Yes it does.. rem those days wen i jus write the flow of my head without thinkin who's readin and what ll they think..but now that i ve a diff circle of blog friends.. acutally everyone from every age and class and attitude.. i dono what me and my blogs becomin.. i cud write more freely wen i wasnt judged...well this time i realised i shud b myself and this one place i got where i can use as a friend wen m down and happy... Oh! thinkin of happy.. Yes i do have somethin to share wth everyone ... but hey not in this ugly post .. lets save it for the next one!

Disclaimer: This post was not meant to hurt anyone or blame anyone for my life.. its purely a letter to myself about the many mistakes 'I' and only 'I' have committed in life and the lessons learnt thro these yrs thro many events and many ppl and many phases ..

Now for ppl who want to introspect.. i wud so love to read what each of u have to say to ur 18-year old self.. do u dare to take it up?

A collection of my work at BM

They made me do it .. i cried .. i begged.. i was shattered against my will.. they made me do it
and here it is...

those were days wen i saw no future, dreaded the word marriage and the dream it brought along.. was as lonely as anyone cud ever b..empty.. lost..heartbroken.. aching.. i did it...!

Not bad eh :P

...and on my way to nowhere...I lost myself somewhere!

No this is not my usual 'Oh-am-so-lost' post, am very much alive and understanding that i am but I cant find myself, the person I was, that I thought, knew I was. It's so tough to be in this new avatar I am in. Its like am a completely diff personality who I (as swarna) despise! I am so boring! I can’t believe that am boring. Well I do have some evidence that makes me believe that am boring. For starters I have started typing with proper punctuations and in ‘English’! Now that must be shocking to most people who follow my blog since the day I started yapping here cos my words have always been a no-control no-rules mess, just like me and I probably had the worst spelt posts that blogspot has ever seen.. hehe… neways (lemme try and sound like myself!)

Now my wardrobe needs a complete make over, m sick of my depressing clothes I ve chosen in the funny lil depressed stint I was in last yr. wooo man! the effects are crazy too long to handle. I feel a 100 yrs older in just a year. Yea yea am tryin to be bak but personality doesn’t just comprise of words and wardrobe rite? From within I can’t be the bubbly self I always was until 24 yrs of my life. Yea I almost stopped making friends and of course not talking to any of the old ones and am completely anti-social (me :O) I jus hate to think of being in the company of ppl … how did I ever become a loner? It seemed biologically impossible for a chatterbox like me!

I am happy i am being 'Swarna' from 'Sansmerci' but i dono which is rite or rong, its like am going thro puberty and i m losing my charm and identity cos of it, is it worth it? In the end i dono who i am, i dono what i stand for or to stand for and feel pathetic. I was stronger wen i was kid (until march 2007?), atleast i had an opinion! Now am strong that being opinionated is being a 'Bad' gal and 'Good' gals compromise and live life for their loved ones. Well yea i always wanted to keep my loved ones happy but from when did i want to be the 'good' gal? Yikees! I’m interested things I would ve shunned a year back, I actually don mind things I was strongly against, I dono if I have given up on life or dreams or if I jus don wanna fite? Oh am I a loser? Maybe am just becoming 25 in my head, now if 25 feels this crappy how wud 30 feel like? I really have no interest or motivation to see that. Some ppl still call me a party gal, all i think is 'yea rite!' I cant even relate to the gal now, I would probably get scared of her if I c her now… maybe run away.. or is that wat am doin? Running away from myself … or is this what u call growing up? Maturity? Getting serious bout life? Whatever it is … TRUST ME IT SUCKS BIG TIME!

Nobody invited you to read ...

He’s gotta girlfriend
She has got a kid
She got married
He is engaged
He got a busy job
She got her own family
He got other patients
She went to study
He went abroad
He found his career
She found a rich guy
He got a wife
He … she … can’t think of more
And if even SHE is preoccupied
Where do I go?

Why am I getting bak to my dark world? For no reason? I dono but its just too lonely here … this time am sure somebody will save me b4 I sink in it. Somebody talk to me plz am going crazy here all alone .. how does it feel living with urself the whole day? Do u have an idea? How does it feel to carry so much within u and walk alone ……

What did I actually wanna write on? My mind is so restless am not able to get a hold of it and put down words here. Its flying out in every direction possible

NO I aint surrendering
You cant have me back my love …
You know I cant resist you
but is that all u care
After all you hurt me
what makes you think
I would get back to u for help
Yes I slipped but never again
I would rather lose my head
I would rather die restless
I would rather spend sleepless nites
But I don need to sleep with u
U can seduce u can overdose…
For all u care, I cud b no more in the morn …

Oh it feels so nice after I got that shit outa my head! Feels good to have written that, I know makes no sense to u! If you think its bout my x boyfriend…Get to know me soon!

Anyway, wud like to add to this psychic post I actually wanted to post on Bulimia and Anorexia, if you are wondering what it is, it’s the new battle am fighting against…

Lonelytown

This place I don’t belong faking life
This time I don’t emote faking smile
I wanna go home to lonelytown
I wanna go back where I belong
My shiny tears and beautiful fears
Dark and cloudy silent and haunted
Where is my pain am missing you
Where is my sorrow m empty without you
Come and take me home my gothic baby
Happy clowns here r scaring me
Oh so phony. Oh so crazy!
Come take me home to lonelytown
Come take me home to lonelytown
That is where I belong!

I am starving without some bleeding
I am dying without some insanity
Life so eventless so mediocre so nothing
Life so pretentious so-called happy!
Where I am, am so lost, lost in the crowd
Crowd of clones with no mind of their own
Save me from this place filled with sham
The cheater ‘joy’ and the fooling ‘excitement’
The Liar ‘love’ and the selfish ‘compassion’
Am sorry momma I gotta go back now
Don’t worry I’d be better in my home
Am going back to lonelytown
Am going back to lonelytown
That is where I belong!

Back with no BANG

well am back .. or so i think ...

i ve nothin to write on .. been inside a single hospital room for last 2 weeks.. has driven me crazy.. too claustrophobic yes am scared to even go alone somewhere.. wonder if its the same me ..

I went thro some good bad and ugly experiences and so is the result of the therapy on me!! Psychedelic literally!! my life has taken a new turn .. i like ttis difference but i dont ... am too good to be me!!!!! i dono where am goin .. but m goin on .. with no interest or goal.. but i cant stop again ... like i did .. empty still remains as hollow as ever!

wat to write on next? any suggestions? as of now .. heres another blog test

What kinda blogger am i?

Your Blogging Type Is Thoughtful and Considerate

You're a well liked, though underrated, blogger. You have a heart of gold, and are likely to blog for a cause. You're a peaceful blogger - no drama for you! A good listener and friend, you tend to leave thoughtful comments for others.

What's Your Blogging Personality?

I kno sounds like some kids' rhymes!

You ask me to stay and u run away
You ask me to smile and u slap my face
You want me to wait while u fool around
You need me to lean but am never heard
Came running for you and u leave my hand
While I die here alone you have a ball
Am rotting in my grave with nothing else to lose
Sick and tired, I cant breathe I fall
Heart broken death though my dreams were few
You blame me today cos I gave up on you!

(Dedicated to all the guys IN my life .... how often do i have to remind myself i am not a bloody DOORMAT!)

about:blank

i dono wat to write about but my head is so empt n idle i need to do somethin b4 i run outa here like a mad bych. i wud rather be takin rest at home which is equally sick!

how can i run outa everywhere how can i reach nowhere where do i find what i want wen i dono wat it is, i look at the traffic n i wonder where is everybody goin, where do i belong what the heck is wrong with me .. m hurt from head to toe ... havent i had nuff yet? somebody get me outa this ... m sittin here countin minutes .. i ve been doi this for last 1 yr.. nothin has changed except place and time... so its just me where ever i am .. doesnt matter ... i don wanna stop writing this post cos i dono wat to do next.. but i kno slowly i ll get rid of this too.. or it ll get rid of me ... i think its begining to already aint it? ... i have to count 200 min b4 i get home n start counting again ...

i ve lost everything/everyone in my life i realize it slowly, no it hits me hard only now... m gettin blanker n blanker.. m useless and empty.. maybe i shud start believing in next birth n just give up. somebody push the button.. thats all it needs! (Fullstop)

Like u give a @@@@

Felt like puttin these things up tday after all its my diary rite?
some writen by me some r not ... guess u can make out the diff urself!

Yes I am born everyday cos i die everynite!

My brain is a heartless bast*** and my heart is a brainless idiot

How will you know I am hurting if you can't see my pain?
To wear it on my body tells what words cannot explain.

The opposite of love is not hate; its indifference

Death aint nothin but a heartbeat away
its better to burn out than to fade away

I am not completely useless
i can be used as a bad example!

If life had an indicator, mine wud always b beepin left;
never gone de rite side, keep hangin on to wat is left!

Wen u c de world thro a pair of shades,
everything looks cool,
detachment is all it takes!

http://everything2.com/index.pl?node_id=1148436

http://www.script-o-rama.com/movie_scripts/g/girl-interrupted-script-transcript-jolie.html

http://www.lyrics007.com/Pink%20Lyrics/Just%20Like%20A%20Pill%20Lyrics.html

I don need no SUGAR PILLS!!

Break my head cut into pieces burn it into ashes I don care
Its running somewhere let it go I wanna run outa my head
Give me a way give me a song give me something to live on
Cry with me all u happy people I detest ur smile makes me hate u
The hate with in kills me mercy-kill me someone plz
Am dyin in danger dyin in fear of life dyin for something
I cant find I cant understand I cant go on nemore
Break my head I cant stand it its not me nemore
I cant write I cant sing I cant dance what am I here for
I cant breathe I cant smile I cant see people around
Break my fukin head now its fukin me too hard in the rong fukin hole!

No I cant write a happy song I think u shud stop chekin my blog!
My happy pills aint working! U gave me a fukin placebo [:(]

NOW gimme my HAPPY pills u LOSER!!

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Who broke my penance of death ???

i dont understand this person here!!

i don want to c anyone
i wanna b alone ... want everyone to leave me alone
but i feel chronically depressed n lonely

i don wanna talk to anyone
i despise company
i hate everyone ... ppl jus irritate me invariably
but i long for someone to listen to me
to cry to.. to lean on

i wanna b loved
but whoever shows me love
i avoid them
neglect them
ignore them
run away from them
but i feel
i feel unwanted
unloved .. unworthy of it .. alone n desperate

i wanna stay depressed
i enjoy that feelin so much
i never wanna get over it
but m not able to take the pain
m not able to handle it

wanna put an end to it
but still i don wanna b happy
feel guilty to b happy
its not home to b happy
i hate that feelin
i don feel like myself
i am a negative person n m proud of it

i don wanna b average ..
i wanna b unique n not part of the herd
but m jealous of ppl with normal life so happy n secured
ah ! i wud hang myself instead of being mediocre
but still how i wish .. my life was so simple!
y am i incapable of being normal y does it turn me off

i wanna end it
i cant even imagine how much more longer life is
how borin!
ppl ask me not to think of future n jus live for the day
so i completely stopped dreaming but now
its so tiring to think of living each day for so many more yrs
but i cant end it i don wanna end it
i have nothin to carry on for cos i have no dreams
nothin to look fwd to
no reason to live .. no reason to die

but i breathe death
its my penance

i ve been in love with it since childhood
dream n worship death
to attain the peace of death
which gr8 ppl fool u by callin salvation

wanna go bak to who i was .. wanna b the dreamer
but i don want to dream
or work hard towards it or even give a thought to this
i ve given up already theres no turnin bak but don wanna give up
i kno m good for nothin
but havent i known myself for so many yrs ??

is that wat u call lost?
i wanna b found bak to life but trust me
i love this place called lost
cos i don have to leave it to go anywhere
but yea i ve to carry the name called loser!
but wen ur lost .. who cares wat they call u????????

its home! its comfortable! its soothin!
but if m really in love with pain .. y do i hate to live with it?

i don understand it at all
.........................or have i understood it too much?

za za zsu

Butterflies don fly so high
not as high as i am tonite
m lookin for the rite words
but it all jus seems so bland
m searchin 4 my fairy tale
yea it always ends up stale
but trust me m still alive
aint waitin on no goodbye
learnt to wake up from the dead
proud to b a fool yet one more time
somebody kill me n i ll b born again
i cud b the moon eternally romantic
but still the next dawn's gonna b pathetic
don get sober its awfully real
lets live this dream until its over
say that its forever fool me take me over
cos the moon don fly but its still so high
high up in the sky n its been loved forever
pour me a lil more of ur sugar
baby cos m longin for watever
n yes u can go on n fool me
i ve grown up nuff to remind myself
butterflies don fly so high
atleast not as high as i am tonite...

Save the last dance for me

Chasin the moon i lost my shadow
as the sun is settin i c him movin away
its too late its too dark
wat was i doin tryin to fite the moon's ray
But girl now m ready to let go
do u hear ma heart singin so
I give u the best part of me
the only thing i ever had
my lost soul my dormant hope
he s too fragile too naive
handle with care love him tender
n wen i wake up gimme more of that pill
get over ma fever, m too sick of being ill
Look out then cos the hunters bak
stronger than ever, rite on track
there s a new day a fresh sunrise
but not a tear in my eyes
n i said stay strong young lady
as u watch me take home ma baby
n if u ever wonder i set him free
I kno he'd save the last dance for me

Frozen chilli

Its been beatin itself hard

Beatin so hard till it bleeds

The oozing blood’s running all over my body

Cant u c its been hurtin me so bad

Beatin n bleedin all over me

U say its gotto b that way

No its diff honey u don understand

Ur alive n dono how it feels otherwise

How funny its still beating n I feel it so well

Wen I cant find ma tongue to talk or ma hands to eat

My skin so numb n cold outside

Like my fake smile and faint eyes

But there’s a flurry inside that’s hot n burning

Am that frozen chilli ur mama asked u not to bite

Cut it if u don trust me, get a lil taste of the hell inside

Now u kno the scars u saw, r jus means not ends in itself

Look at me now can’t u c its jus a hemorrhage within

Cant pretend wen there s a bloody war in there

With peace tattooed on my skin, like I even care

Make it stop pounding n I ll stop gasping hopelessly

I keep telling her its aching, she aint gonna listen

My stupid heart keeps beatin n bleedin….

Swarna
September 2006

I don believe in 'Life After Death'

Well… I don really know what to write bout .. sorry for the long silence.. due to public demand m writing again today ;)… I have been blank for the past few days not so alive not so dead .. jus blank. Usually m either too depressed or too elated, somehow the emotion part has been missing… thats one reason I had nothin to say. After using the internet for years, finally this blogging has made me open up, think, introspect, found me an imaginary friend to listen to my inner voice. What I have been doin lately? well jus tryin to figure out who I am n what's happening inside me. Funny, I have thought bout it many times, but right now I get completely different answers or have I become a completely new person. Is it possible to b dead and reborn emotionally? Can ur values change so much that u can become a different person all of a sudden? What if I don like this person I am becoming? I happened to watch the movie Girl interrupted again this week, tho am watchin it for the nth time, it made a lota sense to me this time. I cud relate to Susanna Kayson...(for all of u who havent seen the movie, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Girl_Interrupted or http://www.script-o-rama.com/movie_scripts/g/girl-interrupted-script-transcript-jolie.html). It is based on a book, which is based on real life experience of the writer, the real Susanna Kayson. She is nothin but a confused young gal who doesn’t know wat to do with her life, she is everythin which is usually existing in a subtle way in almost everyone of us. I did some research on this mental condition that she has, called BPD – borderline personality disorder. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_Personality_Disorder. Wikipedia says ‘Psychiatrists and some other mental health professionals describe borderline personality disorder as a serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in mood, interpersonal relationships, self-image, identity, and behavior.’ Every word in this I can relate to, well anyone can relate to, jus the extent to which its affectin u that matters.I found this homepage of a borderline person http://www.myborderlinelife.co.uk/index.html, which is very funny and interesting. I can rem interesting scenes from the movie too, like wen she s asked what she plans to do n she says, ‘ I plan to write’, ppl look at her like she has no goals..no career.. n then wen they tell her ‘woman today have more oppurtunity than we did’, the way she snaps back sayin, ‘no they don’t!!’ means so much more than the words….

Quoting wikipedia again, ‘A commonly used mnemonic to remember the features of the borderline personality disorder is PRAISE: - P - Paranoid ideas, R - Relationship instability, A - Angry outbursts, affective instability, abandonment fears, I - Impulsive behaviour, identity disturbance, S - Suicidal behaviour, E – Emptiness’. Well I wish it was a different kinda praise, the kind u wud wanna receive from ppl u trust and love, which cud motivate u nuff to realise ur worth living a life, wen ur self esteem is at the lowest. Mayb ur not appreciated nuff for wat ur, mayb its jus cos u start feelin uncared for or not worthy of love. Mayb cos u don listen to urself anymore or don trust urself nemore. The stuff I read made me think about substance abuse. I feel it only worsens their plight. More dependancy, more trouble. But it is definitely a temporary way outa the world, to stay away from someone u hate the most wen it is unfortunately urself. I cant personally comment on this one http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Substance_abuse. But jus a passing thought, I sometimes think to myself n smile about this, alcoholics r such selfless ppl, they can hurt themselves so much. Sometimes I feel teetotalers r so worried about their self that they can never really fall in love with another person for real. Jus kiddin!! Ok I lost sequence..anyways lemme close this with a song I wrote few days back, read on n c if it makes sense….

Am burning in hell but inside myself

The hell that I am, no wonder m burning myself

Am burning with desire m burning with envy

Burning with guilt burning with anger

Cant stop this fire in me .. set ablaze

Burning me hungry n eatin me up

Am burning yes m burning

All over from ma head to toe

Am burning to kill m burning to die

When m burning within my soul gives out a cry

So m burning her up b4 my ashes dry

I wanna burn my ashes and throw them aside

Throw them someplace so they can burn in hell

Stop the voices in my head n gut their yell

After all the heat m still alive, alive n burning

Taking the sting of each flare, still yearning

Yes m obsessed …No m possessed n m sure I deserve it

I deserve to quench this thirst in me

The thirst to burn myself up

Up until I put out every flame inside of me.