A letter to my 18-year-old self

I almost forgot how it feels to write a post. I have been so much bloghopping these days (and takin care of my second baby cruly ignoring the first) that i almost din realise that its been long since i posted here.. while my lil baby here was carryin the promotion for my foodie blog with no complains :) this post has been long pending.. by which i mean really long wen i read this post 'a letter to my 18-year old self' in Ritu's blog, searched for blogs with that post and read many bloggers who have done a lot of introspection by doin this little exercise.. seriously i wanted that relief in myself i decided to tag myself on it.. but never had the time to post that...

So here it goes... (a blush jus creeped into my face... gosh wat am i turnin into :O.. ive actually lost my sense of i-don-give-a-damn writing.. ok now thats another post by itself on how subconsciously writers start writing FOR their readers.. even if they rebel not to...oh oh lost track! .... )

Dear Swarna

First of all, who the F*** do u think ur? sorry for sucha rude start, i kno am elder to u and i need to teach u how to speak with respect, hell no.. this is how ur language will grow.. as u get older.. the more life frustrates u the more fs in ur language increase invariably... but seriously who do u think ur? earth to girly! Come down to the 'real world' whre u ll be welcomed with a lot or stones and rotten eggs soon... You aint no beauty queen.. you aint no conquerer of the world.. u not gonna rule any kingdoms.. u not gonna have princes fallin outa horses to their knees to woo u...

I am sure u have learnt quite a lot in last 2 years, havent u? Rem this, Life aint one big honeymoon, dont keep fallin for romantic losers who lose their romance faster than their head.. n this attention u get.. wont last forever..u mite think guys are at ur disposal today, u will die for a word or touch of love in future.. well stop searchin for true love.. accept love wen shown to u.. too much searchin will end up in total waste of time and ur life.. in the end no use regreting hurting and losin someone who u think is the one... wen u actually grow up and realise who ur and what u need...it mite b too late to have that someone u missed! well no m not even tlkin bout the person ur callin ur bf now.. yea u ll give ur life for him today and go against the world for him .. tomo he ll mean nothin to u .. as much u wont recognise him when u see him on the same street as urs... trust me but life goes on... and if not virtually single.. u will find lonliness and the feelin of being unloved ur company for life ... get used to it .. well u wont even kno wat i mean now.. hmm i think i wud jus say enjoy the love and attention that u get an overdose of to the jealousy of others.. u ll soon b a loser for life...

n hey don worry about studyin in a school for a college .. u ll soon enjoy the best college days of anyones life ...u will actually have real 'friends' in life!.. how does it feel to be at the peak of a hill and the hit the valley.. yes get ready for the best 2 yrs of ur life and then hit rock bottom.. i wish u don make the rong decisions u do.. but then eveything happens for good and i can only say don lose hope and never HATE anyone no mtter wat... n if u hurt someone ... don regret too late..wat goes around comes around .. n b ready for it.. u f***in deserve it.. well life's not a big honeymoon honey m tellin u yet again..there r no fairy tales or happy endings.. not everyone understds ur language of love.. do not overrate it...do not overlong for it... stop trusting ur mom on unconditional love .. its not true.. u don get it.. u cant give it without being taken for granted and fooled.. somehow it works only with moms..

Learn to sleep! whatever trbl u mite face.. b independant.. u gonna have a lota trbl due to not learning these two things .. emotional dependancy is not something to b proud of.. jus cos ur not financially dependant... dependancy is a syndrome.. (on substance or people) ..a disease u ll b treated for.. and yea dreams....if u think thts wat makes ur life go on.. then stop living rite away cos not all dreams come true (infact u ll come to a stage u ll forget how it feels to dream).. STOP DREAMING! GET REAL! No u will not have that dream house by the beach ur dreamin of, but u wont even have a house of ur own.. oh well first of all u shud have a life of ur own..hehe.. u dono wat the opposite of freedom is today.. u ve been brght up oh-so-broadminded and free of any restrictions.. wonderin how it ll b if u don have the basic freedom to live life the way u want to? oh man! and get ready for some dark days.. accidents.. a lot of heart breaks..and i mean a lot of! No u have no idea wat that means now.. well u ll have ur share of everything...in the end it is fun m tellin u.. how many times do u think u ll flirt with death? take a guess? m i scarin u too much? ... duh! i think u shud b happy that ur life ll b a lot eventful than ur plannin it to b...

Do not take what u learnt from ur relationship to the next.. its not the same always.. Don lose ur friends u can never ever get em bak.. don break relationships easily it can never ever patch bak like it used to be.. gettin it bak is like stickin a glass together.. if u kno wat i mean.. Stop over reacting to things.. stop havin opinons there'll b a time they wont count nemore..and if u don have the strength to stand for wat u rebel against,.,.. freakin shut up.. don keep cribbing bout it.. n hey u WILL lose all ur energy to rebel against anything in life.. trust me U WILL SUCCUMB.. u'll be jus another gal compriomising her values for normal life (which as far as i kno u've not had until 2008, yes u will believe to have it in future) .. u ll b JUST ANOTHER PERSON.. nothin special..nothin unique.. jus anther hypocrite living in the face of earth..awww! whats that look on ur face.. kinda familiar to me..hmm... do u feel like hittin me with a brick? hate me? face it! I am YOU in a few years from now on :)..

Since u beg me i tell u some good things i can think of.. hmm .. hmm.. i think ur overrating love and the goodness of giving love unconditionally will pay off someday .. don give it up .. m sure u wont even if ur beaten out to hell.. being the loser tht ur... well somewhere down my heart.. i believe in it sweetheart .. oh oh.. lets delete these lines... oh yea one more good thing of ur unrestrained galivanting around the city n eating in every nook and corner will pay off.... wonderin how? anythin done with passion gives good results trust me n love ur city that u hate now.. u gonna do it by default soon and the city will love u bak nuff for it.. n u wont believe this if i tell u .. but after all the shit u ve been thro and lost hope on ur career and talent (there'll be a point wen u think mayb ppl r rite.. if ur a good student.. u need to be a doc or engineer.. haha!) .. U WILL BECOME A WRITER! ok fine dont believe me :P dumb gal...!!!! (do i see a smile? :P)

But hey since i do love u as a child i would like to give some advice to ...i ll tell u one secret u need to kno to hold on to ur life strongly..which u will lauf at me now for.... u mite hate ur bro .. u mite think ur moms a nobody.. but if u will have something to live for in future... it will be.. YOUR FAMILY.. nothin else is urs.... u ll kno it pretty soon...

PS: Get over ur dad.. that could be the first step u can do to fix ur life.. u will never be able to fill his space and thats the freakin truth ..

Your's truly
Sansmerci (No u dint change ur name in the Gazette, its jus an evolved form of ur f***ed up head)

Alrite! Uff! Does it feel gr8 to get bak to my kinda writing? Yes it does.. rem those days wen i jus write the flow of my head without thinkin who's readin and what ll they think..but now that i ve a diff circle of blog friends.. acutally everyone from every age and class and attitude.. i dono what me and my blogs becomin.. i cud write more freely wen i wasnt judged...well this time i realised i shud b myself and this one place i got where i can use as a friend wen m down and happy... Oh! thinkin of happy.. Yes i do have somethin to share wth everyone ... but hey not in this ugly post .. lets save it for the next one!

Disclaimer: This post was not meant to hurt anyone or blame anyone for my life.. its purely a letter to myself about the many mistakes 'I' and only 'I' have committed in life and the lessons learnt thro these yrs thro many events and many ppl and many phases ..

Now for ppl who want to introspect.. i wud so love to read what each of u have to say to ur 18-year old self.. do u dare to take it up?

Brilliant Blog... it is! or is it??

anoobhooti awarded me with this prestigious award 'Brilliant Weblog 2008'! As much as you kno how much i love being appreciated :D .. u shud kno how thrilled i am to receive this.. well yea this is the first ever award for my blog.. n i can almost feel accepted in the blogging community already :) i hope to get much more recognition and fame .. n receive more awards.. n yea i better cut the crap b4 you all decide to boycott my blog for good.

SHUT UP!

thanks a lot renu.. i never thought this day will come in my life :P
But on a serious note, i am so honored to be recalled as 'a modern educated girl with Indian values' .. well if thats the impression my blog has been giving to my readers.. well she sure does deserve this award! (for portraying me in to something likable after all :D)

So here it is


and here are the rules:

• When you receive the prize you must write a post showing it,together with the name of who has given it to you, and link them back
• Choose a minimum of 7 blogs (or even more) that you find brilliant in their content or design
• Show their names and links and leave them a comment informing they were prized with ‘Brilliant Weblog'
• Show a picture of those who awarded you and those you give the prize(optional).
• And pass it on!

ok here are my 7 people: (man! does it feel good to give than take :D)

Inexplicably: FIRST READ! i jus jump with excitement wen i c that blog blinking with a new post on my blogroll, call me a sucker for kids, but every word she writes bout her kid melts me.. almost literally.. n the thing is . it does everytime.. its her WORDS and of course her love!

niya's world: ABSOLUTE entertainment, can u imagine a blog being updated every few minutes? I can be sure of reading a NEW post on my favourite subject (ofcourse food, restaurants and shopping) everytime i feel bored at work, i jus need to click on her blog. Yes, my blog design has tips from urs.. lota stolen widgets too :D

anoobhooti: MUST READ everyday ..a new topic.. a new thought.. my blogging buddy who i can be sure to see on my blog everyday :) motivation it is by itself, she knows how to appreciate.. she makes blogging feel like family, bringing people together.

Psychedelic: MISS YA..since she started writing on sulekha she is not doing justice to blogspot.. missing ur awesome poems and crazy style in writing ...this is to make u write again and bring glory to blogspot babe.. blog on!

Pettai maami: NAMMA MAAMI! feels nice to read a blog from a sixty something chennai bred.. mami!... wow! how good does it feel to hear her talk ..calls herself a consultant for confused tambrahms.. GREAT style of writing.. unique and feels home to read her language.. chennai it is! Chop chop!you game for nuts?

WisTfuLLy YoUrS!!!: WOWIFIED wen i first saw this blog of my friend from college.. never knew she cud write THIS good.. used to be my regular read.. plz come bak to blogosphere.. PLEASEEEEE! Been long since i had a good read from a next-gen women, little short of watching sex and the city... you got ATTITUDE babe!

Oodles of Doodles.........: NEW KID (atleast on my blogroll) block.. i wud die to paint/sketch like her .. a very different blog on my list.. which speaks through visuals than lengthy conversations.. i love artistics... for the simple reason that i can never be them :( ..i cant even write a legible sentence for god's sake.. hmm so yea... always geta crush on em instantly .. ahem.. no! i really dono her yet :)

alrite m done with 7 i guess.. there are so many more blogs i read regularly everyday (chek my blogroll).. m so sorry i have to stop with 7 :(.. anyway being on my blogroll is an honor in itself aint it :P... anyways fella awardees .. u'all owe me a treat for this 'favor' ;) ... Party Time!

Nobody invited you to read ...

He’s gotta girlfriend
She has got a kid
She got married
He is engaged
He got a busy job
She got her own family
He got other patients
She went to study
He went abroad
He found his career
She found a rich guy
He got a wife
He … she … can’t think of more
And if even SHE is preoccupied
Where do I go?

Why am I getting bak to my dark world? For no reason? I dono but its just too lonely here … this time am sure somebody will save me b4 I sink in it. Somebody talk to me plz am going crazy here all alone .. how does it feel living with urself the whole day? Do u have an idea? How does it feel to carry so much within u and walk alone ……

What did I actually wanna write on? My mind is so restless am not able to get a hold of it and put down words here. Its flying out in every direction possible

NO I aint surrendering
You cant have me back my love …
You know I cant resist you
but is that all u care
After all you hurt me
what makes you think
I would get back to u for help
Yes I slipped but never again
I would rather lose my head
I would rather die restless
I would rather spend sleepless nites
But I don need to sleep with u
U can seduce u can overdose…
For all u care, I cud b no more in the morn …

Oh it feels so nice after I got that shit outa my head! Feels good to have written that, I know makes no sense to u! If you think its bout my x boyfriend…Get to know me soon!

Anyway, wud like to add to this psychic post I actually wanted to post on Bulimia and Anorexia, if you are wondering what it is, it’s the new battle am fighting against…

Because of You

This is a song written by someone special influenced by his alter ego who is a writer!

I love it for the amount of pain, loneliness, hurt, guilt, regret, disappointment, heartbreak, nostalgia and truth it speaks! I could not express my sorrow so well in a song to my special someone. But more than anything the abundance of love hid behind every word is mind-boggling. Read on!

Unseeingly implausible but never impossible
was the incubated love for my alter ego
Sane thoughts were bashed by insane emotions
Days seemed shorter but lonely nights were never-ending

Dreams were built on principles and lives were built on dreams
Interests collided but fondness presided
Distance was trifling but time was perpetual
Heart was filled with love and life was filled with fun

But when did i collapse??
How did i love my ego more than my alter ego?
Why did my heart sleep for eternity??

I hate you for making me cry but i hate u more for makin me lauf
I hate you for my loneliness i hate you more for our togetherness
I hate you for my boredom i hate you more for all the fun
I hate you for the way i am i hate you more for the way i am not
I hate you for all the right reasons i hate you more for the wrong reasons

I hate myself for hating my love and lovin my hate

Oh my evil twin hear me loud
Thy shall not reach the gates of heaven
without saving my shackled soul
from the darkness of hell!

Thanks a million
Sorry from the bottom of my heart
BIG applause
and tons and tons of Luv!
Sansmerci

Like u give a @@@@

Felt like puttin these things up tday after all its my diary rite?
some writen by me some r not ... guess u can make out the diff urself!

Yes I am born everyday cos i die everynite!

My brain is a heartless bast*** and my heart is a brainless idiot

How will you know I am hurting if you can't see my pain?
To wear it on my body tells what words cannot explain.

The opposite of love is not hate; its indifference

Death aint nothin but a heartbeat away
its better to burn out than to fade away

I am not completely useless
i can be used as a bad example!

If life had an indicator, mine wud always b beepin left;
never gone de rite side, keep hangin on to wat is left!

Wen u c de world thro a pair of shades,
everything looks cool,
detachment is all it takes!

http://everything2.com/index.pl?node_id=1148436

http://www.script-o-rama.com/movie_scripts/g/girl-interrupted-script-transcript-jolie.html

http://www.lyrics007.com/Pink%20Lyrics/Just%20Like%20A%20Pill%20Lyrics.html

Ahem?

Who broke my penance of death ???

i dont understand this person here!!

i don want to c anyone
i wanna b alone ... want everyone to leave me alone
but i feel chronically depressed n lonely

i don wanna talk to anyone
i despise company
i hate everyone ... ppl jus irritate me invariably
but i long for someone to listen to me
to cry to.. to lean on

i wanna b loved
but whoever shows me love
i avoid them
neglect them
ignore them
run away from them
but i feel
i feel unwanted
unloved .. unworthy of it .. alone n desperate

i wanna stay depressed
i enjoy that feelin so much
i never wanna get over it
but m not able to take the pain
m not able to handle it

wanna put an end to it
but still i don wanna b happy
feel guilty to b happy
its not home to b happy
i hate that feelin
i don feel like myself
i am a negative person n m proud of it

i don wanna b average ..
i wanna b unique n not part of the herd
but m jealous of ppl with normal life so happy n secured
ah ! i wud hang myself instead of being mediocre
but still how i wish .. my life was so simple!
y am i incapable of being normal y does it turn me off

i wanna end it
i cant even imagine how much more longer life is
how borin!
ppl ask me not to think of future n jus live for the day
so i completely stopped dreaming but now
its so tiring to think of living each day for so many more yrs
but i cant end it i don wanna end it
i have nothin to carry on for cos i have no dreams
nothin to look fwd to
no reason to live .. no reason to die

but i breathe death
its my penance

i ve been in love with it since childhood
dream n worship death
to attain the peace of death
which gr8 ppl fool u by callin salvation

wanna go bak to who i was .. wanna b the dreamer
but i don want to dream
or work hard towards it or even give a thought to this
i ve given up already theres no turnin bak but don wanna give up
i kno m good for nothin
but havent i known myself for so many yrs ??

is that wat u call lost?
i wanna b found bak to life but trust me
i love this place called lost
cos i don have to leave it to go anywhere
but yea i ve to carry the name called loser!
but wen ur lost .. who cares wat they call u????????

its home! its comfortable! its soothin!
but if m really in love with pain .. y do i hate to live with it?

i don understand it at all
.........................or have i understood it too much?

i cant write for nuts .. u FOoooooooools!! ... y don u get a real job???

Who r u kiddin??????????????????????????????????????????????????

the ME in YOU

wow! first time m posting somethin thats not written by me ... but yes its typically my kinda writing n i loved it nuff to put it on my blog .. i wish i can write so well sometime .. but i guess this shud b interestin to the kinda ppl who follow my blog.. written by someone who ll always b special to me .. claims he was possessed by me wen he wrote it .. atlast a living proof that I am not alive .. hehe anyways .......... n yea now u gota accept it .. there is an undefined oxymoron in everyone .... okok read on !!


The journey started with the loss of ma prized possession... Leavin behind my cherished past... takin the uncommon path to an unknown destiantion... millions of unanswered questions... jumping and hopping arnd the rugged path.. carin enough not to hurt my feet... stupid enough to hurt my heart... faster i hopped.. higher i went...

every heart and stone has a pattern... so did my path... sucked in by the pattern... started hoppin with my eyes closed... my feet hurts... but my hearts euphoric... my brain pleads my feets case... but my heart wins... my feet cries for help but ma heart still owns my closed eyes... paths changed... hearts scared.. and finally my brain pulls one off.... i open my eyes and realize am standing on a rock on top of a cliff...elated to see the whole world below me... was this my unknown destination?? Did my destiny overpower me? I fite to control my destiny but in vain.. I look bak and there is no trail to trace bak to where i was and there is no path ahead of me... i try to convince myself this was my destination... my imprudent heart quickly accepts... but my astute brain denies... been standin on da rock for ages now not knowing wat to do and the battle betn my heart and my head still continues... one step ahead i start an avalanche... This was not my destination.... I hiked the wrong cliff... damn i should have kept my eyes open!!!!

I WASNT DRUNK.... I WAS JUST DRUGGED!!!!

Frozen chilli

Its been beatin itself hard

Beatin so hard till it bleeds

The oozing blood’s running all over my body

Cant u c its been hurtin me so bad

Beatin n bleedin all over me

U say its gotto b that way

No its diff honey u don understand

Ur alive n dono how it feels otherwise

How funny its still beating n I feel it so well

Wen I cant find ma tongue to talk or ma hands to eat

My skin so numb n cold outside

Like my fake smile and faint eyes

But there’s a flurry inside that’s hot n burning

Am that frozen chilli ur mama asked u not to bite

Cut it if u don trust me, get a lil taste of the hell inside

Now u kno the scars u saw, r jus means not ends in itself

Look at me now can’t u c its jus a hemorrhage within

Cant pretend wen there s a bloody war in there

With peace tattooed on my skin, like I even care

Make it stop pounding n I ll stop gasping hopelessly

I keep telling her its aching, she aint gonna listen

My stupid heart keeps beatin n bleedin….

Swarna
September 2006

I don believe in 'Life After Death'

Well… I don really know what to write bout .. sorry for the long silence.. due to public demand m writing again today ;)… I have been blank for the past few days not so alive not so dead .. jus blank. Usually m either too depressed or too elated, somehow the emotion part has been missing… thats one reason I had nothin to say. After using the internet for years, finally this blogging has made me open up, think, introspect, found me an imaginary friend to listen to my inner voice. What I have been doin lately? well jus tryin to figure out who I am n what's happening inside me. Funny, I have thought bout it many times, but right now I get completely different answers or have I become a completely new person. Is it possible to b dead and reborn emotionally? Can ur values change so much that u can become a different person all of a sudden? What if I don like this person I am becoming? I happened to watch the movie Girl interrupted again this week, tho am watchin it for the nth time, it made a lota sense to me this time. I cud relate to Susanna Kayson...(for all of u who havent seen the movie, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Girl_Interrupted or http://www.script-o-rama.com/movie_scripts/g/girl-interrupted-script-transcript-jolie.html). It is based on a book, which is based on real life experience of the writer, the real Susanna Kayson. She is nothin but a confused young gal who doesn’t know wat to do with her life, she is everythin which is usually existing in a subtle way in almost everyone of us. I did some research on this mental condition that she has, called BPD – borderline personality disorder. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_Personality_Disorder. Wikipedia says ‘Psychiatrists and some other mental health professionals describe borderline personality disorder as a serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in mood, interpersonal relationships, self-image, identity, and behavior.’ Every word in this I can relate to, well anyone can relate to, jus the extent to which its affectin u that matters.I found this homepage of a borderline person http://www.myborderlinelife.co.uk/index.html, which is very funny and interesting. I can rem interesting scenes from the movie too, like wen she s asked what she plans to do n she says, ‘ I plan to write’, ppl look at her like she has no goals..no career.. n then wen they tell her ‘woman today have more oppurtunity than we did’, the way she snaps back sayin, ‘no they don’t!!’ means so much more than the words….

Quoting wikipedia again, ‘A commonly used mnemonic to remember the features of the borderline personality disorder is PRAISE: - P - Paranoid ideas, R - Relationship instability, A - Angry outbursts, affective instability, abandonment fears, I - Impulsive behaviour, identity disturbance, S - Suicidal behaviour, E – Emptiness’. Well I wish it was a different kinda praise, the kind u wud wanna receive from ppl u trust and love, which cud motivate u nuff to realise ur worth living a life, wen ur self esteem is at the lowest. Mayb ur not appreciated nuff for wat ur, mayb its jus cos u start feelin uncared for or not worthy of love. Mayb cos u don listen to urself anymore or don trust urself nemore. The stuff I read made me think about substance abuse. I feel it only worsens their plight. More dependancy, more trouble. But it is definitely a temporary way outa the world, to stay away from someone u hate the most wen it is unfortunately urself. I cant personally comment on this one http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Substance_abuse. But jus a passing thought, I sometimes think to myself n smile about this, alcoholics r such selfless ppl, they can hurt themselves so much. Sometimes I feel teetotalers r so worried about their self that they can never really fall in love with another person for real. Jus kiddin!! Ok I lost sequence..anyways lemme close this with a song I wrote few days back, read on n c if it makes sense….

Am burning in hell but inside myself

The hell that I am, no wonder m burning myself

Am burning with desire m burning with envy

Burning with guilt burning with anger

Cant stop this fire in me .. set ablaze

Burning me hungry n eatin me up

Am burning yes m burning

All over from ma head to toe

Am burning to kill m burning to die

When m burning within my soul gives out a cry

So m burning her up b4 my ashes dry

I wanna burn my ashes and throw them aside

Throw them someplace so they can burn in hell

Stop the voices in my head n gut their yell

After all the heat m still alive, alive n burning

Taking the sting of each flare, still yearning

Yes m obsessed …No m possessed n m sure I deserve it

I deserve to quench this thirst in me

The thirst to burn myself up

Up until I put out every flame inside of me.

No means maybe Yes ....

"This looks like a job for me, so everybody jus follow me cos we need a lil controversy n it feels so empty without me" ;) … ok what do I write bout today.. No controversies. Oh yeah controversies tho its jus inside my head. This week has been too hectic for me physically and emotionally. So many things m pondering about, question ‘one’ on my mind is why is that it is so tough to say NO? I wonder if tis jus me. Trust me it is nothing to be proud of. Have u ever hated some one from the bottom of your heart? I can never hate someone even if I so badly want to, even if they hurt me so badly. Isn’t that why ppl take you for granted and walk all over you. Is being a push-over something to be mocked at or something to b pitied for? I do get angry n humiliated when m hurt and in a moment of madness I cud even kill someone, but the thing is u never know I mite fall in love with the person the very next moment. Why is my anger soooooooo temporary, it cud vanish like vapor in seconds. Even a smile can fool me. I ve learnt that loving unconditionally is what matters to live happily. Is that true? Or did my mom cheat me by making me an emotional fool today? How do u feel when ur selflessness is selfishly exploited by someone. You realize u ve been taken for a ride. Even funny when u seem to enjoy the ride!! Love is all about giving, I totally agree, I find more happiness when I give a gift than when I receive it. But how much can u give without getting in return? Is it practically possible without getting ur ego/self esteem hurt? Self-respect is something I am worried about here. I have played this game many times; someone hurts u - u still show them u care - they think ur a fool to do so - u still don hate ‘em - what do they do next? It has worked for me sometimes, I ve saved my friendship as a result. But sometimes it doesn’t work, it leaves u feeling lonly, foolish and as the biggest loser on earth.

NO means NO. I tell this to myself a hundred times, but I can never say no to anything be it good or bad. That’s one reason I can never decide. Don mistake it with planning, I plan and work towards it way ahead of time. Well at least I used to!! But taking a decision is the last thing I can do, at least in matters where I wanna satisfy everyone knowing well that I can’t. Saying ‘No’ hurts so much, the fear of hurting someone lets me hurt my self even worse. It’s kinda leading me to think of will power and addictions. I can get addicted to anything on earth so easily be it food or drink, a person or even this blogging for example. Maybe cos I cant say no to myself either. I have a voice inside my head trying to control, always telling me what’s rite n what’s wrong n when I shud stop n when I shud say NO. But as she keeps yellin 'Say NO no no no no' .. I open my mouth I say YES, wada bitch. She mocks me, laufs at me, swears at me sometimes even disappears sayin ‘u do what u do, don come cryin to me’. Hey common she cant say 'no' either, she lets me get hurt when she knows it n still doesn’t hate someone who deserves to b hated. Sometimes it’s a mistake to learn to c the good side of people, to take everything as a learning experience n to believe strongly that everything happens for good. As I grow up life is reversing everything I learnt as a child from hard work to honesty. I strongly believe hard work can work miracles in every aspect of life, be it ur research or ur relationship. But the harder I work the lesser the result, n the harder I try not to get de-motivated, the lesser life helps me in it. Well back in school, I learnt to use language correctly so that ppl can understand; as I grew up I learnt to use it not-so-correctly so that I can blend in the crowd. What do u do when life is teaching u all the wrong lessons? How do u save urself n follow the principles that u believe in, when everything n everyone around u strongly suggest that u change or u gonna remain a lonly fool in this smart n shrewd world!! I can only let these two ppl inside me fite n as always leave me confused n useless …

PS: I did a spell check n tried to make most words look like English! MS Word is still spitting on me with red n green lines … my apologies...