Stand by Me - Part 2

After wondering for days (months?) on how and what to do as a come back post... i realised today is the day to do it... i started this blog with the same post 'Stand by Me' and it worked out well for me i guess... and this day Sept 10th! 5 yrs back was exactly when the stand by me campaign happened in my life... those glorious MCC days ... as i always say the best yr of my life was 2004 and probably this day was the one or one of the reasons the year was made special...

I post the video which summarises everything i have to say about what happened on this day.. the script was posted by me in my first post.. this one almost has the same script but picturised so beautifully... with the best ppl i have met in life.. both my friends and my kids.. the place where i grew up and understood myself... i am a proud product of wat i have learnt from this place.. don get me rong.. not the college.. but the group and the activities... and yea bout my kids.. i don need a mention .. my blog is full of em .. here n there.. they need no introduction ..

So this is to my kids...after 5 whole yrs .. and not being able to meet em for almost a yr now... missin u babies... and for my friends and a best friend....i missed somewr down the line.. missing u guys too...if only someone cud take me bak to those days... i mite not b wat n where i am today... for the better or worse .. that i dono... but nostalgia kills me ... so wat's new?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V-maGSCVq7c

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gYKqkqRwLrQ&NR=1

Watch both the links - its a continuation of the same video ...

PS: wow i cud write so much .. y didnt i blog so long!

and she will remain ONLY as a reflection in the mirror...

La belle Dame Sans Merci.... i miss her... she used to be a part of me, she still is, quite literally, tatooed strategically so i can see her only thro a mirror....

but otherwise... swarna is born... this feb 22nd 2009 i realised the ME in me and have accepted myself to be swarna... the person i never knew i am but the only person i can be... i have let my spirit free and let it be what it has to....a person who always thought she should be loved for what she is and never wanted to lose her identiy just realised she din actually have an identity until she din mold it for her loved ones, the ppl she lives with, that is her real identity! and so am loving this change within and outside me! it wasnt surprising that i was least excited bout my bday this yr since i was still baskin in the glory on my wedding... in fact i still am.. m so high up there that it seems impossible for me to get down to my dark world, however hurt however sad however let down neglected or disappointed i feel... i still m up there, RITE THERE... the effect seems impossible to fade away. YES! i attained the summit, the highest emotional point in my life last month... or mayb i will go higher wen i hold my baby... ahh no mayb not.. cos i already am a mother and that gives me more satisfaction n happiness in life than anything else... and i think a woman is a woman only wen she knows she's a mother, not wen she actually becomes one, i ve felt a mother in me even wen i was 10, i ve felt it with my kids during college days and now i can feel it completely, so am i a complete woman today?

ahhh! i forgot the intro :D... i was supposed to write on something.. but this time there was no specific thing i wanted to write on, i was waiting for the last 40 days to think of a nice title and a hard hitting post about the wedding, feelings and values and the blah blah since i wanted the post after my wedding to be a super hit! but looks like i will not come up with any s*** and i was dying to write (don rem when i wrote last!) that i actually dreamt of blogging yday nite. One thing is that readers mite decide that i ve stopped blogging for good and another is that i mite forget how to write a blog. So today morn i woke and as soon as i logged into the internet, i decided to open blogger without second thoughts on what to write, how to write, etc. i kno there was lot of pressure as to how my post-wedding post will be and that definitely contributed to my not-writing-so-long, since i din want it to sound like i-am-the-only-person-married-on-earth or i-feel-married-and-so...hmm yea i feel married kinds :P (i really don feel like we r a just-married couple even for single moment!) but either way wud've been rong since i was tooooooo high and tooo low at the same time and i wudnt have been satisfied writing my emotions, as i was lost about how i am feeling. i think the highest degree of happiness is damn depressing, duh! thats so sansmerci, aint it?

The real reason tho is that i ve been travelin non-stop and din have any time to sit online, except for uploading pictures... wedding pics took a month :D and the trips (we r in the process of takin out moms around north, so mostly temples it is! :P) are half way uploaded and some more to be done (oh btw, we r off to varanasi and gaya tonite!)... and for the number of honeymoon pics we have, i think will take a year to uplaod, tho am completely jobless (meaning, m without a job), i cant find a single min to sit idle and write crap and bug u all which i used to do easily almost everyday wen i was working! so now i kno what real work is, its not sittin in front of a comp and pretend to be typin (writing) something, its managing a house that is the most difficult and most enjoyable and active job in the world and it takes a lot of energy, both emotional and physical, makin one feel actually USEFUL!

So comin bak to the topic, i decided to jus write today, without any apprehensions as to what to write and how it will sound or even without thinkin of a topic or message (posts without any message usually gets good response :D) i am a pro at non-sequential posts and so its better to start with a comfy post rite? (m jus amazed as to how m jumping topics like a train, i mean unlike a train... err...i jus m typin non-stop and gonna post this, readin it is ur prob!) and yea most ppl will jus b damn happy to c write a happy post m sure...

How does a fish feel in an aquarium? m a piscean, he's aquarian, that explains y he's 'home' to me! Yea the fish definitely suffocates in an aquarium after being in the wide sea for years, but she slowly learns to c the beauty of the place, the pains taken to make this new home a HOME to me and the comfort i have here than the salty sea, yea the sea is still freedom, the aquarium feels dependant but its special, its mine, its made specially for me with all the care and love! There are so many things m learning tho, which will b too long to post here, but i can put in a summary and say i am learning to live... and everyday is a lesson where m surprising myself beyond belief by accepting everything with a smile as life comes, to forget disappoints and hurts overnite or even over-a-second, to deal with sarcasm, discrimination, unfairness, being neglected, arrogance or indifference (these are things i used to fear more than anything in the world) like am watchin a movie (yea whoever said u need to sit under a bodhi tree to learn to look at the world objectively, u jus need to get married once :P), to not just give without taking, but to find happiness in it, to take inequality as love and to take neglect as responsibility... n most of all tht m not a kid nemore n i will not be taken care of that way :) NO! that i am not learning deliberately :D tho i am being reminded this strongly at every instance and change, i rebel! y not? i can b a mother and a kid at the same time, i think a good mother shud b a kid at heart to kno her kid well! No i will not get everything i desire anymore, its hard but i am tryin hard to let go of my ever-giving mother (like a kangaroo!) and be HER to others! In fact m so happy now that i jus m excited bout everything including the fact that being overexcited about anything is a grave mistake and i will only disappointed in the end, m sure u all kno wat i mean.. atleast the women who are married!

i ve never prayed or thanked anyone for the happiness in my life (if there was ever) but i jus wish i had someone to thank for this period in life, the one i enjoyed the most purely from within, even if i had been depressed all thro life, i think this ONE high tide in my life is more than enough to cherish forever! Someone once asked me if Brat did so much to me that m this hyper! I wudnt say YES or NO to that question, since its not just him, but it wud've been nothin without him. But yea its the whole thing, a new life, lifestyle, people, events, responsibilities, a home of my OWN!, a wedding that made me feel like a queen (even if i did it to myself, it still worked!)... yea i brought it from within, this happiness, this splendour, i wudnt owe it to anyone else but ME! I achieved it.... i finally found happiness in a place i never thought it is and in things i thought will hurt me and my ego...and found myself in the process... n Hell No i am not giving it up for anyone or anything, however hard u try to hurt me and turn me around to sans-merci....

Although she will definitely remain as a memory, as a reflection on the mirror, so i can rem that i was once this person... that i will never be again... and who am i today? i thought i will be Swarna Barath but NO i was wrong... the identity i can think of myself now... is of a Mother... and a mother can never be sans merci, can she? its virtually impossible!

So yea, if u think Swarna is married and she has changed, NO! she is a mother and she is just being one :) she is being everything she has to be and not what she wants to be, without regrets!

YAY! i wrote sucha big post with NOTHIN at all!!!!!
i can beat Seinfeld, can i? :D

Resolutions and Reflections

Guess whose bak?...errr... I mean who's bak! Feels nice to sit in office ... relax ... browse... chat and blog in peach once again! Seriously, there is no other heaven!

End of the year and i have loads to post, but i decided on doin this as my last one for the year! This blog that brought me bak to life everytime i decided to walk away and took all the bashings with no complains... deserves a lil promotion here, don ya think? Here's a small presentation on a list of posts that mean somethin to me, its a special year cos it went from a blogspot to have a domain name and will soon become a part of a site, it became what i wud proudly call 'popular' than 2007 with massive increase in readership all of a sudden in 2008... and of course the contents changed and the tone changed in this new birth... but the attitude remains :) and it always will!

Before i write bout my favourite posts... i decided to chek out my last years' new year post and resolutions... and here it is

HAPPY HAPPY NEW YEAR 2008!

Check out resolutions! man! have i followed any? u gota tell me that... but lemme see...

(resolutions cut paste from the last post is in bold and my reply to it now is in italics for ur reading convenience :))

I will believe in love once again.. will fall in LOVE once again with all faith and belief and make it the perfect relationship I was looking for

ahem.. YES.. i have made a impressive attempt at that and succeeded in believing again!

I will be a happy person; I will bring happiness to people around me. I wont get into my lonely dark world and cry out for love.

Frankly, i ve done my best on this but m sure i ve loads to improve! i stay strong, but get into swings and phases, tho not as strong or long as before and still do and need to get over it...

I will find my career in writing with confidence by writing positive, thinking creative and most of all have a good self image

You gota gimme a pat for that! I have turned this blog into somethin almost positive from a dark hole trap! and yes i am in advertising now which i never thought i will be wen i wrote that post... and 'burrp' is a heaven sent boon...!

I will take care of my health and body to feel good looking again... eat right... work out

i did i did ... but lost it somewhere in the end again ... but not giving up... doin it again!

listen to the one person who loves me unconditionally keep her happy by being happy and a good gal

NO, i didnt do that but i will take the resolution again this year, although its too late for me to prove it to her nemore :) i will try!

yes am trying to become a teetotaler (really really com’on!) and am sure I’ll achieve it soon

i kno some of my close friend who read this last year had a good lauf... what say now? No m not a teetoler... but not an impulsive abuser or a party animal nemore! i mean i don even rem the last time i got high :)

On a second thought, man! that sucks.. is this me? hey is there a new year around anytime for an excuse? :D

travel the world or atleast DREAM and plan for it and work for it

not really...i can still do it... never late.. i ve explored a lot more than i have in all the 25 years b4 this...i shud say burrp has changed my life a lot, it has inspired me and motivated like anything else.. i swear i realised it as i type this post, i ve never had responsibililty and i ve never known what my interest was ... something that made me proud of myself for the first time :)

now y did i reply that to that... watever

visit my kids often love them more find more kids and bring more happiness to myself!

NO i didnt do it.. i hate me.. i'm giving myself this year one last chance b4 i decide to hate myself for life

follow what life has taught me

I have followed this religiously this year, and giving out advices like a moral saint too!

YES! I will DREAM! I will LOVE! No force inside or outside me can stop it again and if it does m gonna throw it outa me or outa my life

YES i did dream i did love with all my heart and clearly neglected any force that even showed any signs of negativity wen i dreamt or loved... i didnt throw those outa my life but i have learnt to ignore and dream & love for my own happiness selfishly! if u kno wat i mean, else never mind!

I am sure I’ll be on my blog in 2009 Jan! Lets c if I keep up all this then I’ll b a better person definitely in love (probably married) :D with lotsa kids where ever I go.

and so here i am being the good gal that i promised to be, keepin my word and leavin to open consideration if i did follow my resolutions sincerely to you all, but yes i kno i am a better person than i was this day last year and i hope to be even better person, but the best wife, DIL and SIL at the first attempt itself hopefully :) So the probably-married part is changing to a will-be-married in this post!

The goth inside me has died for sure, although i miss her at times, i do feel its all for good, that was a time i wondered if its even possible to be happily happy and how much pleasureable can it be than being depressed! i partly believe in it now too, there is a pleasure in being depressed which once tasted is tuff to come out of, but no i don wanna hurt ppl around me nemore and m happy tht i ve started lovin happiness for a change or atleast m tryin to at most times! OK cuttin the non-sequencial train of my restless mind... lemme list my all time favourite posts here!

My first post

STAND BY ME - will always remain special to me cos its bout the closest thing to my heart, something which has such an effect, that ur opinion can make or break my relationship with u

Not man enuff for me - that was my first controversial post, i kept in my draft for days and finally wented out the frustration with the courage to post it, tho there were a lot more horrible ones that took over, but first always feels good!

No means maybe Yes .... - Speaks a lot bout me and my weaknesses

I don believe in 'Life After Death' - startin of a phase i went thro... i dread those dark days even to read on words now!

socially dead virtually alive - something to ponder!

Raindrops n Seashore .... - wen i fell in love...

Frozen chilli - one of my favourite dark poetry

za za zsu - i love crushes!

Quotable quotes by Sansmerci - :P

MAn! i feEl LikE a wOmaN !! - short and sweet post!

i cant write for nuts .. u FOoooooooools!! ... y d... - u really have to read this, takes just a second... trust me... duh! me and my mood swings..

Who broke my penance of death ??? - wen i hit rock bottom!

Flirtin death - truly from goth!

rEbOrN 2 lIvE tHiS dEatH aGaiN? - very short but not so sweet post!

Wanna know how long u gonna live? - this gets the highest hits on my blog! i dono y!

BUT in Chennai! - that brought loads of attention

Forgive me spiderman, for i think otherwise! - i simply like it for the title, i am a genius uh! ;)

Wise men say only fools rush in... - seriously nobody understood this one liner post, so i like it!

A letter to my 18-year-old self - i tagged myself and jus poured my heart out!

Torn apart..... - somethin i thought noone will understd, but i was surprised at the response!

i jus realised most of my favourites are from older posts, recent posts seem more commercial eh! and the epitome of it i shud say is this one....

Push up my bra like that, Porno Paparazzi girl... - needs a special mention cos ... its a post strongly sayin that its not just sex that sells and the post by itself proved it rong, it gets me readers and hits from every tiny town in some corner in the world every single day like noother post ever has for me, jus cos of the words used in the title, yea its the sex that sells this post more than anyother in my blog! A true oxymoron in itself!

And yes i wanna tell u my favourite comments too! wait wait... don run away... i kno m already yappin for too long... so instead m gonna pass on this award given to me by Reflections to my favourite commentators, her rules are simple

Display the Award in your page
Award them to your favourite commentators.
Ask them to forward it to their favourite commentators.
And dont forget to link their page to their names.

I wud like to thank all my readers but specially thank the commentators who take an effort to leave their opinion n motivate me and this award is for the extra special people who are here regularly makin me feel alive and important, so i kno i am not blabbering to myself here, i do have an audience for the crap i write ... So here we go, this is for u for puttin up with me :)

anoobhooti - Renu! am sure she knows this is comin to her first! i was unknown, unsettled, unorderly and almost felt unwanted in this blogosphere until i knew that she'll be among the first few to comment... n i try to watch my language too for her :) (ah can u believe i jus said that?)... and yea she is my lucky charm, somehow after she started makin visits, this place has become a picnic spot :) my circle of blog friends has increased invariably!

mysoor pak conversations - Edita... i dono this felt nice, she actually mentions my name in her blog and says i motivate her, seriously love the way u write comments like i mean a lot ... wen i wonder if i actually did mean anything at all!

The fat lady's rantings - Tess! came outa the blue, first person who caught me on orkut, made me feel like a celeb!! tho now i have most of my blogmates on FB or orkut ... felt good the first time... hurray! somebody actually read me and wanted to kno me personally, howzzat?

Reflections - i asked for this award and she jus happily handed it over to me, what other reason do i need? haha... frankly, a very good source of encourgement thro her regular comments!

Psychedelic - i shudve mentioned her first as always, but she been busy lately :P but m sure she's one of the very few committed visitors and commentators on my blog from day 1 i mean post 1!

Nautankey's Stage - i shud confess, i was actually thinkin its a 'she' wen i read his comments, then i knew its a 'he' wen i read his blog, i was surprised... no offence to guys... but its true, i can make out a male comment from a female comment... but seriously this was deceptive, but thts wat i like bout it!... my latest commentator but a loyal, genuine and unbiased one at that!

Multimenon - Ah how did u slip my mind! sorry multi, tho this comes late to him.. i kno hes totally worth it being a regular motivator at my blog here! and m sure he ll be there this year too! and yea thanks for writing EVERYTIME :) without fail...

VJ - i cant link vj cos he doesnt have a blog, so i had mention in the end, tho it hudve been on the top otherwise! Someone who has always been here and who i kno will always b! and no matter what s*** i write, it ll be a frank and honest opinion on it for sure.. so that i ll kno what to do next time! the blog wudnt have passed even the first yr without ur support :)

B - there's nothin like hearin from the other half, i jus love every bit of wat he has to say to me good or bad... who takes an extra effort to kno me better? i mean even better? and more better!

ahh.. that has come to become a longer post than i intended to make it into... but i still feel incomplete....did i forget something? ... hmmm...did i?....

oh yea Happy New Year! Have an awesomeeeeeeeeee 2009!

This will be a special year for me, i will be born again as a new person with a new family to take care of! i hope and wish it will be a special year for you too, in a way or the other for sure!

c ya all next yr.... muaaaaaaaah :)