Will never be ALONE again!

Of sunshines and early mornings

Of late night movies and long musical drives

Of love unspoken but still understood

Of hearts that beat as one, well it’s more than just two

And is born inside of me already that which will never leave until I do

And made changes in me already that which no one until could

And now I know how it feels to be beautiful inside

And now I know how vital this thing -

this thing I never cared for - called life!

My experiments with love

Warning: The following piece has a million repetitions of the word 'love' in it, buts its not remotely mushy other than the effect this word creates, but if ur still allergic to it, stay away!

Its been 13 yrs, my hide-n-seek with love began
It has made me laugh, cry, crave, die,
But that love - It has made me who i am
Love I heard of, love I been in and out of
Love that b and not to b, love that din let me b me

A love all divine, darling n grossly dedicated
And love absolutely illicit but as true as stated
Love lust desire and want - all around i saw....
But Love unselfish n unconditional leaves me in awe…
And there is a love-let-go-n-move-on love seeming more true!
This love I tell ya - whatever it is - it becomes ‘you’

Love i realised is total old-fashioned shit,
Its boring, dry and overrated…
The Love that made me feel hatred…
but hate then became another way to love
Love so strong that took me to my death bed
and love then saved me from the said…
funny its the same Love that spins me around
same but aint similiar, the stinkin ol’ freakin Love
that makes me feel dumb, when self-love takes over this loser!….

This love for myself that I betrayed until
A Love for the dark n bizarre, i fell
A love to hurt myself, a love to teach myself
In love with loneliness in love with emptiness
In love with love and the idea of falling in it
In love with anything that makes me forget my love

Love! Love! Love! When will u b over and done with me?
I wanna look around and there’s nothing else I can see
Love for money love for the poor,..
Love for crime love for justice
Love for control love for freedom…
Love for the sake, love per se…

Love, i had to write her off my life
Love, that cuts like a knife
Love, my inseparable insatiable wife!

With all the love from deep inside me, I brought strength
With all the love for my life, I lived again
With all the love I had for her, I took her hand for help
With all the love I had for him, I trusted to wait
With all the love, all the love, all the love for love
I fed her own medicine to her.. so Love, ur all I see now,
Blinding every other thought, faith or feelings…
Am love-numb, am love-cuffed, am love-blind
Yes am a proud useless wasted classic love-fool….

Am living Love
Anything else u hear, read or see is just material illusions of u mortals…

Yes i fear the unknown...so do u!

today

i wake up searching for my lost pot of gold
my gift of wonder, my art called words,
some more i lost they said i had
a heart of gold, the gift of love...
i ponder in silence till the mystery unfolds...

yet another day i lose it...
the gazillion flowers that bloom in my heart
my bed-of-roses-life made me smile cos i knew
i knew to express how it felt, pain and pleasure

cant make out anymore, in this sea of emotions
i sink deep and search...yet i leave unanswered
cos its a void at the temple of terror in my head...
so i suppress this pillar of hope to FIND ...

for now, i just decide to search, all that they said i had...

and maybe one day i will actually have it

within me

to let them know that losing is how u find it...

Join the Celebration of Our Love...

What else could be my first post for this special year?

Here it is!

Would love to see my blogging buddies on D day! But for obvious reasons i cant put up the venue in here (esp after the kind of attention this post attracts! :P). So if you are in Chennai and genuinely interested in seeing me in that bridal wear and hog on some yummy wedding dinner, pls take this as my personal invitation and i shall send u the venue by email, but do send me a pic of urs with that email u send, so i don look blank wen i need to introduce u to Brat :D!

PS: Keepin this post short after learning a lesson from the previous...

PS-2: Now i know y i cudnt write poetry for almost a year, looks like i saved it all for my wedding invite! Comments welcome on that pls :)

Design courtesy Anand

Nobody invited you to read ...

He’s gotta girlfriend
She has got a kid
She got married
He is engaged
He got a busy job
She got her own family
He got other patients
She went to study
He went abroad
He found his career
She found a rich guy
He got a wife
He … she … can’t think of more
And if even SHE is preoccupied
Where do I go?

Why am I getting bak to my dark world? For no reason? I dono but its just too lonely here … this time am sure somebody will save me b4 I sink in it. Somebody talk to me plz am going crazy here all alone .. how does it feel living with urself the whole day? Do u have an idea? How does it feel to carry so much within u and walk alone ……

What did I actually wanna write on? My mind is so restless am not able to get a hold of it and put down words here. Its flying out in every direction possible

NO I aint surrendering
You cant have me back my love …
You know I cant resist you
but is that all u care
After all you hurt me
what makes you think
I would get back to u for help
Yes I slipped but never again
I would rather lose my head
I would rather die restless
I would rather spend sleepless nites
But I don need to sleep with u
U can seduce u can overdose…
For all u care, I cud b no more in the morn …

Oh it feels so nice after I got that shit outa my head! Feels good to have written that, I know makes no sense to u! If you think its bout my x boyfriend…Get to know me soon!

Anyway, wud like to add to this psychic post I actually wanted to post on Bulimia and Anorexia, if you are wondering what it is, it’s the new battle am fighting against…

A dedication to sansmerci...

who is still wondering if she should c 25 or no? Time’s running out there is just a few hrs more…

My hearts been beaten black and blue
My green veins are running a reddish hue
My eyes tear-ing into a salty brown
My nose turns pink, m looking like a clown
My dried up scars are splitting again
My scratching nails are yellow n insane
My blotted body is pale turning white
Rainbows are jealous looking at this sight!
Happy Birthday Baby!

My resolution is to remember that am nothing special and everybody has birthdays and not to make a fuss about it from now on, now that am 25 .. Am celebrating silver jubilee.. Uh! Here I go again … but hey what’s wrong is being happy on my birthday .. After all its just about one day for me!

And yes I will grow up … like everyone wants me to.. or I wont just like everyone says!

And yea sansmerci.in, formerly known as undefinedoxymoron.blogspot.com has reached 10,000 hits since August 2006.

Another reason to celebrate? I got more than a million reasons to celebrate in the last few weeks but I realized I’ve become absolutely nirvanic and have learnt to take both excitement and pain with numbness. Now am I matured?

Lesson learnt: Lying is maturity, fraud is the beginning of wisdom, and hypocrisy makes you a complete human being!

Maybe I shouldn’t be writing this now or posting it, but I do need a birthday post and a 10k post but am sorry this is my current state of mind. But I promise there is a lot coming up; I’ve been researching on many topics lately. How interesting it is to you, I really don’t know. Also written some stories to be published here.

Anyways wish me into the next quarter of my life starting from tomo. Am looking forward to lose a lot this yr right from my identity as sansmerci to my loneliness to my insanity to my habits to my immaturity(really don want to) to my weight (really want to) etc etc. It ll be a New-me or a No-me for good.

PS: I ve started writing restaurant/food reviews on chennai.burrp.com as Sansmerci of course. DO follow up!

Once upon a time there was a 'Sansmerci'

Who am i what am i doing here
disturbed lost and confused
where do i belong what do i live for
what shud i compromise
what shud i stand up for
how do i please everyone
how do i not hurt anyone
sometimes whats rite seems rong
if this is rite then which is rong?
is love aint true?
Does hostility rule?
if i cant answer these
i aint worth this life she gave me
or mayb i am but again i don agree...
one thing am sure of my
life or death will be with you
so if am worth it or not is totally upto you!

DON FORGET TO VOTE!

Lonelytown

This place I don’t belong faking life
This time I don’t emote faking smile
I wanna go home to lonelytown
I wanna go back where I belong
My shiny tears and beautiful fears
Dark and cloudy silent and haunted
Where is my pain am missing you
Where is my sorrow m empty without you
Come and take me home my gothic baby
Happy clowns here r scaring me
Oh so phony. Oh so crazy!
Come take me home to lonelytown
Come take me home to lonelytown
That is where I belong!

I am starving without some bleeding
I am dying without some insanity
Life so eventless so mediocre so nothing
Life so pretentious so-called happy!
Where I am, am so lost, lost in the crowd
Crowd of clones with no mind of their own
Save me from this place filled with sham
The cheater ‘joy’ and the fooling ‘excitement’
The Liar ‘love’ and the selfish ‘compassion’
Am sorry momma I gotta go back now
Don’t worry I’d be better in my home
Am going back to lonelytown
Am going back to lonelytown
That is where I belong!

Conceived with a KISS

The one breath u sacrificed
Been my life support since
The one touch you blessed me with
Been my reason to smile since
The one kiss that brought me alive
Been my strength to live since
The one-day when we make love
The sun will star the moon on the silver sky

Ever since you made me feel wanted
Woke me up from my grave
I would never forget, I would never regret
Ever since you made me feel loved
Gave me the dream to survive
The lust to live life, the kiss of desire
Put a smile on my face since m pregnant with joy.

Shower me some inspiration

I wanna write some love notes
that grow into sweet lullabies
My empty space is echoing
I can hear voices humming
No words of goodness has ever occured
to me; i write only proud tragedies
My cry baby heart lost everyone
HE told me my angel smokes
filled me with dreams and hopes
Said my baby makes the world look pretty
and vanished into thin air already
i spread my arms n look everywhere
ugly fat old n lonely!
Noone to read my song
wen i finally write from my alive brain
Cant rem the last time i spoke
or bid goodbye to my words
Fallen apart! pick my pieces! Put me together!
Am back from my grave lookin 4 luv again
Shower me some inspiration!
Hello? i hate u! Don leave me ...

I really dono wat to write .. some selfish ppl saved me .. am alive
and now i dono wat i shud do.. if anyone is readin this..suggestions plz..i need some inspiration to write ..this is the only place i was alive wen i was dead!

Same time last year

http://undefinedoxymoron.blogspot.com/2006/09/i-don-believe-in-life-after-death.html

http://undefinedoxymoron.blogspot.com/2006/09/frozen-chilli.html

Sept 07 and am here still with the same feeling, except that it has grown into a bigger thingy and eating me up now … it has a certificate and am still the same… wen will I get out and get a life or will I ever have one?

I kno sounds like some kids' rhymes!

You ask me to stay and u run away
You ask me to smile and u slap my face
You want me to wait while u fool around
You need me to lean but am never heard
Came running for you and u leave my hand
While I die here alone you have a ball
Am rotting in my grave with nothing else to lose
Sick and tired, I cant breathe I fall
Heart broken death though my dreams were few
You blame me today cos I gave up on you!

(Dedicated to all the guys IN my life .... how often do i have to remind myself i am not a bloody DOORMAT!)

Like u give a @@@@

Felt like puttin these things up tday after all its my diary rite?
some writen by me some r not ... guess u can make out the diff urself!

Yes I am born everyday cos i die everynite!

My brain is a heartless bast*** and my heart is a brainless idiot

How will you know I am hurting if you can't see my pain?
To wear it on my body tells what words cannot explain.

The opposite of love is not hate; its indifference

Death aint nothin but a heartbeat away
its better to burn out than to fade away

I am not completely useless
i can be used as a bad example!

If life had an indicator, mine wud always b beepin left;
never gone de rite side, keep hangin on to wat is left!

Wen u c de world thro a pair of shades,
everything looks cool,
detachment is all it takes!

http://everything2.com/index.pl?node_id=1148436

http://www.script-o-rama.com/movie_scripts/g/girl-interrupted-script-transcript-jolie.html

http://www.lyrics007.com/Pink%20Lyrics/Just%20Like%20A%20Pill%20Lyrics.html

I don need no SUGAR PILLS!!

Break my head cut into pieces burn it into ashes I don care
Its running somewhere let it go I wanna run outa my head
Give me a way give me a song give me something to live on
Cry with me all u happy people I detest ur smile makes me hate u
The hate with in kills me mercy-kill me someone plz
Am dyin in danger dyin in fear of life dyin for something
I cant find I cant understand I cant go on nemore
Break my head I cant stand it its not me nemore
I cant write I cant sing I cant dance what am I here for
I cant breathe I cant smile I cant see people around
Break my fukin head now its fukin me too hard in the rong fukin hole!

No I cant write a happy song I think u shud stop chekin my blog!
My happy pills aint working! U gave me a fukin placebo [:(]

Flirtin death

Who says a thing of beauty is a joy forever
every love rose turns faded ugly faster
who says nothin lasts forever
change is permanent pain is eternal
twas much fun wen i was flirtin death
as per norm now as he returns the favor
my handsome prince hits me stronger
fuks me harder, smiles n sweet talks me
does it taste sweet wen u kiss my poison
or u long 4 a way to undo this lust u had 4 me ...

how it feels to b half dead half alive
possessed by him on one side obssessed to live on the other
everythin that is left is his
my heart my hand n everything on the other side of me
mayb i shud fite 4 my rite
mayb i shud show the other cheek
mayb i shud let him rule take me over
as i lie here cherishing the days of beauty
regreting the thoughts of forever
breathin heavy wanting to let go
wen i jus had one last breath to decide ..
i long to survive ..
with jus another heart beat to spare
i plead on my bed with death
y did u let me die you shudve just killed me ....

Who broke my penance of death ???

i dont understand this person here!!

i don want to c anyone
i wanna b alone ... want everyone to leave me alone
but i feel chronically depressed n lonely

i don wanna talk to anyone
i despise company
i hate everyone ... ppl jus irritate me invariably
but i long for someone to listen to me
to cry to.. to lean on

i wanna b loved
but whoever shows me love
i avoid them
neglect them
ignore them
run away from them
but i feel
i feel unwanted
unloved .. unworthy of it .. alone n desperate

i wanna stay depressed
i enjoy that feelin so much
i never wanna get over it
but m not able to take the pain
m not able to handle it

wanna put an end to it
but still i don wanna b happy
feel guilty to b happy
its not home to b happy
i hate that feelin
i don feel like myself
i am a negative person n m proud of it

i don wanna b average ..
i wanna b unique n not part of the herd
but m jealous of ppl with normal life so happy n secured
ah ! i wud hang myself instead of being mediocre
but still how i wish .. my life was so simple!
y am i incapable of being normal y does it turn me off

i wanna end it
i cant even imagine how much more longer life is
how borin!
ppl ask me not to think of future n jus live for the day
so i completely stopped dreaming but now
its so tiring to think of living each day for so many more yrs
but i cant end it i don wanna end it
i have nothin to carry on for cos i have no dreams
nothin to look fwd to
no reason to live .. no reason to die

but i breathe death
its my penance

i ve been in love with it since childhood
dream n worship death
to attain the peace of death
which gr8 ppl fool u by callin salvation

wanna go bak to who i was .. wanna b the dreamer
but i don want to dream
or work hard towards it or even give a thought to this
i ve given up already theres no turnin bak but don wanna give up
i kno m good for nothin
but havent i known myself for so many yrs ??

is that wat u call lost?
i wanna b found bak to life but trust me
i love this place called lost
cos i don have to leave it to go anywhere
but yea i ve to carry the name called loser!
but wen ur lost .. who cares wat they call u????????

its home! its comfortable! its soothin!
but if m really in love with pain .. y do i hate to live with it?

i don understand it at all
.........................or have i understood it too much?

the ME in YOU

wow! first time m posting somethin thats not written by me ... but yes its typically my kinda writing n i loved it nuff to put it on my blog .. i wish i can write so well sometime .. but i guess this shud b interestin to the kinda ppl who follow my blog.. written by someone who ll always b special to me .. claims he was possessed by me wen he wrote it .. atlast a living proof that I am not alive .. hehe anyways .......... n yea now u gota accept it .. there is an undefined oxymoron in everyone .... okok read on !!


The journey started with the loss of ma prized possession... Leavin behind my cherished past... takin the uncommon path to an unknown destiantion... millions of unanswered questions... jumping and hopping arnd the rugged path.. carin enough not to hurt my feet... stupid enough to hurt my heart... faster i hopped.. higher i went...

every heart and stone has a pattern... so did my path... sucked in by the pattern... started hoppin with my eyes closed... my feet hurts... but my hearts euphoric... my brain pleads my feets case... but my heart wins... my feet cries for help but ma heart still owns my closed eyes... paths changed... hearts scared.. and finally my brain pulls one off.... i open my eyes and realize am standing on a rock on top of a cliff...elated to see the whole world below me... was this my unknown destination?? Did my destiny overpower me? I fite to control my destiny but in vain.. I look bak and there is no trail to trace bak to where i was and there is no path ahead of me... i try to convince myself this was my destination... my imprudent heart quickly accepts... but my astute brain denies... been standin on da rock for ages now not knowing wat to do and the battle betn my heart and my head still continues... one step ahead i start an avalanche... This was not my destination.... I hiked the wrong cliff... damn i should have kept my eyes open!!!!

I WASNT DRUNK.... I WAS JUST DRUGGED!!!!

Get outa life alive

It was never there it ll never b
u ll never b dead u were never alive
it was not wat u thought it wud b
cos u never wanted it to b wat it had to b
its not wat it seems its not how ur supp to feel
u think ur rite u think ur rong
the truth is ur wat ur made to believe ur
the world u trust is jus ur imagination
the air u breathe is the perfect illusion
cos it keeps u dreamin of somethin that ll never b there
u keep missin somethin that never existed
well its ok cos it ll never b too late
time is abstract space is a mirage life is but a fantasy
dreamers dream forever as mere mortals they survive
hallucinate delude urself get outa life alive
wake up from ur eternal sleep open ur true eyes n c
it was never meant to b, it was never there n it ll never b !!

Quotable quotes by Sansmerci

1. A loser is not someone who has lost, a loser is someone who is lost!

2. A holiday is a holiday only when it is on a holiday.

3. The best way to cure claustrophobia is to shut urself in a closed room for few days but u always have the risk of becomin a serial killer.

4. Love is a fancy name given to things less acceptable, morally socially and legally.

5. Hence unconditional love = fraud + misrepresentation + concealment of information.

6. A best friend is always someone u wud’ve hated otherwise.

7. Stop fooling around before you wake up one day n realize wat a fool u ve made outa urself.

8. Those who pray to live are losers, but those who live to pray are failures.

9. Too much is never enough but enough is never too much. So what u need is always inversely proportionate to its availability.

10. Marriage is like Shakespeare's plays, either a full fledged comedy or a total tragedy.

za za zsu

Butterflies don fly so high
not as high as i am tonite
m lookin for the rite words
but it all jus seems so bland
m searchin 4 my fairy tale
yea it always ends up stale
but trust me m still alive
aint waitin on no goodbye
learnt to wake up from the dead
proud to b a fool yet one more time
somebody kill me n i ll b born again
i cud b the moon eternally romantic
but still the next dawn's gonna b pathetic
don get sober its awfully real
lets live this dream until its over
say that its forever fool me take me over
cos the moon don fly but its still so high
high up in the sky n its been loved forever
pour me a lil more of ur sugar
baby cos m longin for watever
n yes u can go on n fool me
i ve grown up nuff to remind myself
butterflies don fly so high
atleast not as high as i am tonite...