C'mon Baby Light My Fire!

Dont be shocked that m posting a blog...n m posting it with my left hand...don mind the typos n spellos (as always)!

When u reach depths, u don ve a choice but the way back up. That’s how I ve started writing again. I thought in fact decided for good that its over my flair to write or my passion for it, its reached saturation, its torn into bits… networking sites with status’ msgs, a let out of thoghts as soon as they start to accumulate, no more do we wrte letters ,. no more do I blog…email killed the letters, IM killed email..FB killed IM.. n yea lately I c buzz is killin FB too…too many thoughts..too many outlets.. its all getting a bit too much to put out a blog post.. no time to write my own diary to say in human terms…no more introspection..nothin can live without passion or depth.. my writing has lost it too.. as with my passion for life and living it…

When life gets mundane..no offence to marriage but as u get older and more settled.. there is no more ‘hunting’. I think as raw human wen we don hunt we don survive..wen theres nothing to seek nothing to look fwd to.. u die internally.. yea I got my desired partner and most desired job.. everything I ever wanted..and then the question arising is as simple as a complicated ‘ok now what???!!!’ no its not the deal and compromises tht come with the decisions I ve made tht scare me infact they make life worth fiting and living for.. after all m not someone who needs an eventless life.. always had an extra eventful life and love it wen I look bak at it.. I don like it smooth..infact i hate mediocrity in any form.. including an average life turns me off.. yes I do long for it ironically many times.. but its life and I ve learnt to take it as it comes..but when everything gets monotonous.. the passion is lost..the light is burning…but there aint no fire…m lost.. empty…unused…

To put it in my foodie terms, I wud equate it to eating the same breakfast everyday.. I wud rather b dead n gone instead.. I am not implying tht variety is the spice of life.. oh on second thghts yes I am but there is a possibility fr variety within means..well lets say u ve decided to eat egg for breakfast all ur life.. ur not gonna break ur promise but learn to eat it in a million ways and explore as well as discover a zillion ways to make it better everyday… now u know wat I mean…lota writers who don’t get a chance or din take a chance to b one professionally due to social and financial reasons envy me.. well.. wat ve I become in the end.. someone who is so absorbed by the monotony of a work that actually, in quite a literal sense, can have a lot more flavor and juice to it but I ve become a dry nut cracking slowly into an empty shell…

Love and hate are the same damn emotions, its jus how u perceive it in ur positive or negative mood..so u can only hate something as much as u love it…the strength of the emotions are usually equal...depends on ur attachment to the subject.. if I can love u this much.. I can hate as much easily...well so I decided I don give a damn if m seeing the glass as half full or half empty, m going bottoms up baby and that’s all I care!

Pushing myself to the edge.. I write … I don’t ve a choice and I will….wen every part of me feels injured physically and mentally.. I feel useless n wasted..like I belong in the trash…m makin my own recipe for a pill..yea the same old I knew..giving it another chance…no matter if I feel disabled nuff to even type… writing…m gonna be writing…left or rite or even with my legs… m gonna be writing…

Brilliant Blog... it is! or is it??

anoobhooti awarded me with this prestigious award 'Brilliant Weblog 2008'! As much as you kno how much i love being appreciated :D .. u shud kno how thrilled i am to receive this.. well yea this is the first ever award for my blog.. n i can almost feel accepted in the blogging community already :) i hope to get much more recognition and fame .. n receive more awards.. n yea i better cut the crap b4 you all decide to boycott my blog for good.

SHUT UP!

thanks a lot renu.. i never thought this day will come in my life :P
But on a serious note, i am so honored to be recalled as 'a modern educated girl with Indian values' .. well if thats the impression my blog has been giving to my readers.. well she sure does deserve this award! (for portraying me in to something likable after all :D)

So here it is


and here are the rules:

• When you receive the prize you must write a post showing it,together with the name of who has given it to you, and link them back
• Choose a minimum of 7 blogs (or even more) that you find brilliant in their content or design
• Show their names and links and leave them a comment informing they were prized with ‘Brilliant Weblog'
• Show a picture of those who awarded you and those you give the prize(optional).
• And pass it on!

ok here are my 7 people: (man! does it feel good to give than take :D)

Inexplicably: FIRST READ! i jus jump with excitement wen i c that blog blinking with a new post on my blogroll, call me a sucker for kids, but every word she writes bout her kid melts me.. almost literally.. n the thing is . it does everytime.. its her WORDS and of course her love!

niya's world: ABSOLUTE entertainment, can u imagine a blog being updated every few minutes? I can be sure of reading a NEW post on my favourite subject (ofcourse food, restaurants and shopping) everytime i feel bored at work, i jus need to click on her blog. Yes, my blog design has tips from urs.. lota stolen widgets too :D

anoobhooti: MUST READ everyday ..a new topic.. a new thought.. my blogging buddy who i can be sure to see on my blog everyday :) motivation it is by itself, she knows how to appreciate.. she makes blogging feel like family, bringing people together.

Psychedelic: MISS YA..since she started writing on sulekha she is not doing justice to blogspot.. missing ur awesome poems and crazy style in writing ...this is to make u write again and bring glory to blogspot babe.. blog on!

Pettai maami: NAMMA MAAMI! feels nice to read a blog from a sixty something chennai bred.. mami!... wow! how good does it feel to hear her talk ..calls herself a consultant for confused tambrahms.. GREAT style of writing.. unique and feels home to read her language.. chennai it is! Chop chop!you game for nuts?

WisTfuLLy YoUrS!!!: WOWIFIED wen i first saw this blog of my friend from college.. never knew she cud write THIS good.. used to be my regular read.. plz come bak to blogosphere.. PLEASEEEEE! Been long since i had a good read from a next-gen women, little short of watching sex and the city... you got ATTITUDE babe!

Oodles of Doodles.........: NEW KID (atleast on my blogroll) block.. i wud die to paint/sketch like her .. a very different blog on my list.. which speaks through visuals than lengthy conversations.. i love artistics... for the simple reason that i can never be them :( ..i cant even write a legible sentence for god's sake.. hmm so yea... always geta crush on em instantly .. ahem.. no! i really dono her yet :)

alrite m done with 7 i guess.. there are so many more blogs i read regularly everyday (chek my blogroll).. m so sorry i have to stop with 7 :(.. anyway being on my blogroll is an honor in itself aint it :P... anyways fella awardees .. u'all owe me a treat for this 'favor' ;) ... Party Time!

It's all about olive.. n a lil bout inspiration!

IF my biggest nightmare is to live a long life .. then urs shud b me blogging until my last breath! and looking at this 'inspiration' i mite end up doin it .. so beware!

This u wudve heard already .. bout the world's oldest blogger olive who passed away recently ..

Thats her first post, http://www.allaboutolive.com.au/2007/02/16/olives-first-blog/
the person who has been typing for her (Mike) wants us to understd her 'blob' (thats how she calls it), first by reading that!

and this http://www.allaboutolive.com.au/2008/04/24/someone-peed-on-the-fish/
is probably the last proper post from her.

wat enthusiasm! wat optimism! and wat is it tht makes life int for someone at 108! (yrs? :O) wen i cnt find one reason to wake up tomorrow ... no m not inspired, m more depressed thinking m a loser ... ah wat a loser!

Some parts of the blog are very cute and kiddish, probably its the second childhood thats speaking, as shakespeare (if m rite!) says.. so there is this other person Eric who had been blogging for her on behalf of Mike in the recent past since Mike was away and so the blog shifted to another place.

This is a nice post bout her school days 100 years ago! in the new (temporary) blog http://worldsoldestblogger.blogspot.com/2008_05_01_archive.html
very interesting .. really worth a read

and thats her final post after which everything has been from the others after her passing away.
http://worldsoldestblogger.blogspot.com/2008/06/settling-in.html its bout her days in the nursing home before she left the world.

they made a movie .. of course! http://www.allaboutolive.com.au/olives-movies/

Guess wat she has actually overtook this 96 year old, oldest blogger of Spain and here is a post of how they both communicated!!! http://www.allaboutolive.com.au/2008/04/02/marie-amelia-replies-to-olive/

aaaah ..............A 96 year old inspired by a 108 yr old .. n a 25 yr old reading it with :O shakin her head with a big no no no ... m not fallin for all this .. but hats off!

some interesting posts i read

http://www.allaboutolive.com.au/2008/04/06/i-wish-you-could-walk/
wataaa memory!

http://worldsoldestblogger.blogspot.com/2008/06/sing-happy-songs.html
she actually was soooooo happy rather kept herself so happy in her last days!

http://www.allaboutolive.com.au/2007/10/17/her-108th-birthday/
thats her 108th bday ... uh uh wat??? wonder how it feels to c that ... thats like just 83 yrs from now :) i can wait ... I hope time flies .. no i really hope it does IF i were to live so long..

and thats one year anniversary post :D
http://www.allaboutolive.com.au/2008/02/06/in-for-service/

Guess u can browse thro both the sites and get ur own fav posts .. but on a serious note, if somene has to live this long to see life from - days of walking to learning in a sewing school - to blogging right from her bed - .. shud call that a real life time experience.. wish i cud experience that but only if i can stay as happy cheerful active child-like and as beautiful as she is at 108!

Wish i discovered this blog just a few weeks early, I would ve had the honor or commenting n communicating with the world's oldest blogger.. well even now the blog is on and Mike is tryin to keep it alive with a 'In memory of Olive' etched on top while they r still discussing the future of the blog n wonderin wat to do yet.. u can take part in it too http://www.allaboutolive.com.au/

Maybe i ll wait for a much older blogger to come my way... but somehow Olive feels special and unique to me tho i ve no idea ... why?!!!!

Positive vibes can travel thro the net .. even after one's life, its still alive!
That's quite a discovery eh? :P

Because of You

This is a song written by someone special influenced by his alter ego who is a writer!

I love it for the amount of pain, loneliness, hurt, guilt, regret, disappointment, heartbreak, nostalgia and truth it speaks! I could not express my sorrow so well in a song to my special someone. But more than anything the abundance of love hid behind every word is mind-boggling. Read on!

Unseeingly implausible but never impossible
was the incubated love for my alter ego
Sane thoughts were bashed by insane emotions
Days seemed shorter but lonely nights were never-ending

Dreams were built on principles and lives were built on dreams
Interests collided but fondness presided
Distance was trifling but time was perpetual
Heart was filled with love and life was filled with fun

But when did i collapse??
How did i love my ego more than my alter ego?
Why did my heart sleep for eternity??

I hate you for making me cry but i hate u more for makin me lauf
I hate you for my loneliness i hate you more for our togetherness
I hate you for my boredom i hate you more for all the fun
I hate you for the way i am i hate you more for the way i am not
I hate you for all the right reasons i hate you more for the wrong reasons

I hate myself for hating my love and lovin my hate

Oh my evil twin hear me loud
Thy shall not reach the gates of heaven
without saving my shackled soul
from the darkness of hell!

Thanks a million
Sorry from the bottom of my heart
BIG applause
and tons and tons of Luv!
Sansmerci

HAPPY HAPPY NEW YEAR 2008!

Finally the year comes to an end and I already feel like my miseries are ending with the year ending. I have never taken any resolution in all these years. I am reaching a quarter century and have probably already lived 1/3rd of my life and can’t think bout anything good that I have done to myself or the people around me or for anyone in the world at all. So I am thinking of taking a resolution this year. Not one but many! Probably for all these years I have wasted wasting myself in a wasted world of my own.

Come to think of it, the best year in my life was 2004! 2005 was good enough, no complains. But yea 2006 was getting to my head and 2007 finally made me into a nothing n I was about to lose myself or rather I did and have come back to life again now, thanks to the most understanding doc in the world and the most loving mom in the world who are still by my side. Now my first resolution is to keep their faith on me and give them success by becoming a happy person as I was in 2004. I guess I’ve to make a lotta changes to become myself again. 2004! Wow it was a dream life. If I find a time machine I would go back and stop it rite there and definitely would have never made any of the mistakes I did or regretted later.

So I was analyzing what was so special about this year that makes me so happy when I think of it. Yes I was in the best college with an awesome set of friends, partying all the time, learning mass communication (supposed to be what I wanted to learn from childhood but dint learn anything tho), staying in Sathyam cinema and watching 3 movies a day, really kewl lectures from whom I’ve learnt a lot (ahem), working towards my MS and what not! I can keep on listing them. No I cant get back or do any of this cos I am not 21 anymore. So I decide to look deeper into everything and take the essence of it.

First and foremost, I was being loved. I believe that’s the only thing that keeps me going or anyone for that matter. I was in a perfect relationship with someone perfect, which might never happen again in my life. Nevermind! And then I fell in love! Truly madly deeply crazily in love with someone who loved me the same way back. I had the most romantic days of my life though virtually it was true! I wrote a lot, poetry, scripts, magazine articles, copies for campaigns, simply put as college projects which meant the world to me. I could write and I was appreciated. There was a bunch of people who thought I wrote well. There were a couple of friends who considered me a nice person in spite of all my negatives. I felt good about myself outwardly and inwardly. Took care of my appearance and felt good looking. I was motivated to look forward to something by working towards GRE and applying abroad. I was achieving something, going somewhere, had a future. And YES my kids! The one PR campaign that showed me who I am, the love within me and what made me happy and how one could find happiness and love so easily instead of searching for it everywhere.

So here comes 2008! Another leap year after 2004. I am gonna take a bigger leap this time. I will believe in love once again. I will be a happy person; I will bring happiness to people around me. I wont get into my lonely dark world and cry out for love. I will fall in LOVE once again with all faith and belief and make it the perfect relationship I was looking for instead of searching for the right one who loves me, I will find my career in writing with confidence by writing positive, thinking creative and most of all have a good self image, I will take care of my health and body to feel good looking again eat right work out :P, listen to the one person who loves me unconditionally keep her happy by being happy and a good gal yes am trying to become a teetotaler (really really com’on!) and am sure I’ll achieve it soon, work towards a future if not studying abroad something else to look forward to as a happy future, travel the world or atleast DREAM and plan for it and work for it, follow what life has taught me and last but not the least, visit my kids often love them more find more kids and bring more happiness to myself!

YES! I will DREAM! I will LOVE! No force inside or outside me can stop it again and if it does m gonna throw it outa me or outa my life! Strong stronger strongest is my path now! I am sure I’ll be on my blog in 2009 Jan! Lets c if I keep up all this then I’ll b a better person definitely in love (probably married) :D with lotsa kids where ever I go. Guess I just found my time machine as I was typing my heart out… bye bye I gotta catch it soon….

Hurray! Undefinedoxymoron.blogspot.com will be on
www.sansmerci.in from 2008!

Shower me some inspiration

I wanna write some love notes
that grow into sweet lullabies
My empty space is echoing
I can hear voices humming
No words of goodness has ever occured
to me; i write only proud tragedies
My cry baby heart lost everyone
HE told me my angel smokes
filled me with dreams and hopes
Said my baby makes the world look pretty
and vanished into thin air already
i spread my arms n look everywhere
ugly fat old n lonely!
Noone to read my song
wen i finally write from my alive brain
Cant rem the last time i spoke
or bid goodbye to my words
Fallen apart! pick my pieces! Put me together!
Am back from my grave lookin 4 luv again
Shower me some inspiration!
Hello? i hate u! Don leave me ...

I really dono wat to write .. some selfish ppl saved me .. am alive
and now i dono wat i shud do.. if anyone is readin this..suggestions plz..i need some inspiration to write ..this is the only place i was alive wen i was dead!

Ahem?

Psychedelic? gothic? watever u call it ...its devilishly beautiful

Something that truly impressed me ... all of u def kno i cant do this even in my next birth ... its marvellous!! for ur viewing pleasure ... from 'NA' (who is awaiting ur valued comments on his work) my comment : really really KILLER



aaaaaaaaaaah !!!!!! Y is it never me???? i wana draw i wana draw somebody help me !!

the ME in YOU

wow! first time m posting somethin thats not written by me ... but yes its typically my kinda writing n i loved it nuff to put it on my blog .. i wish i can write so well sometime .. but i guess this shud b interestin to the kinda ppl who follow my blog.. written by someone who ll always b special to me .. claims he was possessed by me wen he wrote it .. atlast a living proof that I am not alive .. hehe anyways .......... n yea now u gota accept it .. there is an undefined oxymoron in everyone .... okok read on !!


The journey started with the loss of ma prized possession... Leavin behind my cherished past... takin the uncommon path to an unknown destiantion... millions of unanswered questions... jumping and hopping arnd the rugged path.. carin enough not to hurt my feet... stupid enough to hurt my heart... faster i hopped.. higher i went...

every heart and stone has a pattern... so did my path... sucked in by the pattern... started hoppin with my eyes closed... my feet hurts... but my hearts euphoric... my brain pleads my feets case... but my heart wins... my feet cries for help but ma heart still owns my closed eyes... paths changed... hearts scared.. and finally my brain pulls one off.... i open my eyes and realize am standing on a rock on top of a cliff...elated to see the whole world below me... was this my unknown destination?? Did my destiny overpower me? I fite to control my destiny but in vain.. I look bak and there is no trail to trace bak to where i was and there is no path ahead of me... i try to convince myself this was my destination... my imprudent heart quickly accepts... but my astute brain denies... been standin on da rock for ages now not knowing wat to do and the battle betn my heart and my head still continues... one step ahead i start an avalanche... This was not my destination.... I hiked the wrong cliff... damn i should have kept my eyes open!!!!

I WASNT DRUNK.... I WAS JUST DRUGGED!!!!

............... But all i hear is Blah Blah Blah

Exactly how many ppl have called me blah blah blah wen I m yapping away, its countless. ‘Blah’ is no more an offensive word to me. It is my fav pastime makes me lauf out loud. If ur wonderin wat the hell m blabbing, here s more blah blah 4 u http://www.blahonline.blogspot.com/. We, at Blah, offer an alternative to normalcy and a cure for the boredom created by newspapers. Not that I read any newspaper but that’s y m sure they r a big bore!! I def wud subscribe if blah came out with a newpaper. I wanted to b a journalist wen I was young (n din have a clue as to wat it is!!) Then I wanted to b a feature writer until one day I realised I cant write for nuts. Though I have no idea bout who Blah is except the info on his profile, he/they give me a complex that I can never b that funny!! Boohoo..! Somehow I feel its more like a Chennaized version of Seinfeld (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0098904/ or http://www.seinfeldscripts.com/) , talkin bout nothin/laufin at ourselves/bringing out everyday facts in a humorous way. I think todays post was one of the best http://blahonline.blogspot.com/2006/09/mutton-biryani-or-briyani.html n it made me write about this funny blog which really made an impression on me. Anyways I bet u wanna read the rest of the posts in there than read me crapping bout it here ….

List of my personal fav posts

http://blahonline.blogspot.com/2006/09/sudden-art-attack-in-chennai.html

http://blahonline.blogspot.com/2006/08/captain-discovers-9th-planet-pisses.html

http://blahonline.blogspot.com/2006/08/girl-escapes-harassment-incident.html

http://blahonline.blogspot.com/2006/09/dan-browns-next-book-is-pondy-based.html

http://blahonline.blogspot.com/2006/08/prime-minister-announces-no-funny-bill.html

and here is the best of all made me rofl

http://blahonline.blogspot.com/2006/09/indian-cricketer-molested-me-says.html

Thank God I am an Atheist

Religion is comparable to a childhood neurosis.
-Sigmund Freud

Forgive, O Lord, my little joke on Thee and I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.
-Robert Frost

The way to see by faith is to shut the eye of reason.
-Benjamin Franklin

I do not believe in the immortality of the individual, and I consider ethics to be an exclusively human concern with no superhuman authority behind it.
-Albert Einstein

I have never seen the slightest scientific proof of the religious theories of heaven and hell, of future life for individuals, or of a personal God.
-Thomas Edison

"A believer is not a thinker and a thinker is not a believer." - Marian Noel Sherman

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
- Woody Allen

Fear is the parent of cruelty, therefore it is no wonder if religion and cruelty have gone hand-in-hand.
-Bertrand Russell

The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one.
-George Bernard Shaw

I don't think we're here for anything, we're just products of evolution. You can say 'Gee, your life must be pretty bleak if you don't think there's a purpose' but I'm anticipating a good lunch.
-Dr. James Watson

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
- Mahatma Gandhi

home sweet home

I was thinkin of postin somethin recent here..write sometin poetic dreamy n unrealistic .. ..but m reminded of sucha piece i had written for the editorial of my journal, travel in Chennai. It was funny cos its more like a fantasy story than an editorial, wat can u expect on a travel journal, that too written by me.. as always i jus pen down my thoughts as they flow, mostly without a sequence hehe.. purpose is to bring out the possible fun u can have traveling in a city like Chennai.. also to make up a story to tell ppl how the idea of the journal came about .. So here it goes...

I closed my eyes to find absolute darkness until I got power from the skies and ran towards this beam of light I found at a distance. God knows where it is leading to but I go by my intuitions that tell me to keep moving on in this direction. Slowly I hear birds chirping and a sweet scent of wet mud tempting me towards this bright and warm garden filled with flowers of all colors and flashes of orange and red light from the sun. The green base with florescent rays and smell of tropical fruits were seductive. I wish I could fly in the sky like that bird migrating from one place to another. But I keep running through this place, I don’t know why, until I find this lonesome beach at a long distance. I run with excitement to this vast piece of land with just no one around. The hot sand, the empty sky and the sea at a long distance, which still seemed like a mirage to me, were my world now. Though the blue-and-blue-only life is a little depressing, the sea breeze and the hot sun were a nice contrast. I wish I could swim like those little fishes in there and reach the unknown end of the ocean. The grass has always seemed greener to me on the other side. I find myself pushing my way through the water rowing an invisible boat. The waves are getting higher and seemed like pushing me up to reach a snow filled mountain. The next minute am panting for breath reaching the peak. Here I stand as I find the sun slowly moving down the hill warming me and bringing me alive from my frozen state. The smell of medicinal plants and roars of wild animals seemed heady. My head starts to have a mild pain and am giddy. I ate the fruits from the garden, drank the water of the sea but still what am I hungry for? Is my thirst for finding people? Culture? Civilization? I roll down this green bushy hill down to the valley. My heart skips a beat. The silence is broken by the noise of traffic and my head is reeling with the speed of the movement of light here. Everything seems colorless and white. This isn’t the place I should be in. This tainted city, smelling of machines, is like the place I tried running away from…my home! But I find people dressed strangely speaking in a language that seemed like Greek to me. Thousands of people around me, am not alone, but I need to know where I am and who these people are. The busy city didn’t care about my arrival. Nobody was bothered about me when I went looking through the manmade gardens, beach resorts and hills and wildlife sanctuaries, museums and art galleries. The wealth of nature is still alive and fresh here. Actually it is packed and offered in a better way. The place had it all and a long history to tell. I slowly started loving this life as it had more comfort and pleasure. People here are so cultured and hospitable. No man is an island. Everyday is a learning experience when you travel. The thirst of human to travel has gone beyond just flying to the moon. Wanderlust is one of man’s primary desires but not discovered and established as one. I found my foot itching for more. But then I feel this sting of pain in my heart…I knew I was missing home. No place is like home and traveling is sometimes nothing greater than entertainment especially for lazy people. The huge door to get out of this dark cave I was traveling through seemed heavy and tough to open but then I had to try harder and harder and open it slowly. My eyeballs were rolling around this very familiar place. Yeah! I am still at home on my bed comfortably laying down and dreaming. I don’t think it’s just a dream …it made me realize the desire in me to travel and go places and the need and necessity of traveling for any man. It opened my eyes to the wonders in my own city… the place that I considered not more than a polluted piece of garbage stressing me out till now. I wish I could do something to discover the wealth of my home city and show it to the world especially for people with itchy feet like me………..