I wish...

i wish the tv was a woman
and loved him back as much...
yes! i love him enough to wish for that
no! i don love him enough to wish i was her...

i jus want to feel jealous without feelin stupid!

and she will remain ONLY as a reflection in the mirror...

La belle Dame Sans Merci.... i miss her... she used to be a part of me, she still is, quite literally, tatooed strategically so i can see her only thro a mirror....

but otherwise... swarna is born... this feb 22nd 2009 i realised the ME in me and have accepted myself to be swarna... the person i never knew i am but the only person i can be... i have let my spirit free and let it be what it has to....a person who always thought she should be loved for what she is and never wanted to lose her identiy just realised she din actually have an identity until she din mold it for her loved ones, the ppl she lives with, that is her real identity! and so am loving this change within and outside me! it wasnt surprising that i was least excited bout my bday this yr since i was still baskin in the glory on my wedding... in fact i still am.. m so high up there that it seems impossible for me to get down to my dark world, however hurt however sad however let down neglected or disappointed i feel... i still m up there, RITE THERE... the effect seems impossible to fade away. YES! i attained the summit, the highest emotional point in my life last month... or mayb i will go higher wen i hold my baby... ahh no mayb not.. cos i already am a mother and that gives me more satisfaction n happiness in life than anything else... and i think a woman is a woman only wen she knows she's a mother, not wen she actually becomes one, i ve felt a mother in me even wen i was 10, i ve felt it with my kids during college days and now i can feel it completely, so am i a complete woman today?

ahhh! i forgot the intro :D... i was supposed to write on something.. but this time there was no specific thing i wanted to write on, i was waiting for the last 40 days to think of a nice title and a hard hitting post about the wedding, feelings and values and the blah blah since i wanted the post after my wedding to be a super hit! but looks like i will not come up with any s*** and i was dying to write (don rem when i wrote last!) that i actually dreamt of blogging yday nite. One thing is that readers mite decide that i ve stopped blogging for good and another is that i mite forget how to write a blog. So today morn i woke and as soon as i logged into the internet, i decided to open blogger without second thoughts on what to write, how to write, etc. i kno there was lot of pressure as to how my post-wedding post will be and that definitely contributed to my not-writing-so-long, since i din want it to sound like i-am-the-only-person-married-on-earth or i-feel-married-and-so...hmm yea i feel married kinds :P (i really don feel like we r a just-married couple even for single moment!) but either way wud've been rong since i was tooooooo high and tooo low at the same time and i wudnt have been satisfied writing my emotions, as i was lost about how i am feeling. i think the highest degree of happiness is damn depressing, duh! thats so sansmerci, aint it?

The real reason tho is that i ve been travelin non-stop and din have any time to sit online, except for uploading pictures... wedding pics took a month :D and the trips (we r in the process of takin out moms around north, so mostly temples it is! :P) are half way uploaded and some more to be done (oh btw, we r off to varanasi and gaya tonite!)... and for the number of honeymoon pics we have, i think will take a year to uplaod, tho am completely jobless (meaning, m without a job), i cant find a single min to sit idle and write crap and bug u all which i used to do easily almost everyday wen i was working! so now i kno what real work is, its not sittin in front of a comp and pretend to be typin (writing) something, its managing a house that is the most difficult and most enjoyable and active job in the world and it takes a lot of energy, both emotional and physical, makin one feel actually USEFUL!

So comin bak to the topic, i decided to jus write today, without any apprehensions as to what to write and how it will sound or even without thinkin of a topic or message (posts without any message usually gets good response :D) i am a pro at non-sequential posts and so its better to start with a comfy post rite? (m jus amazed as to how m jumping topics like a train, i mean unlike a train... err...i jus m typin non-stop and gonna post this, readin it is ur prob!) and yea most ppl will jus b damn happy to c write a happy post m sure...

How does a fish feel in an aquarium? m a piscean, he's aquarian, that explains y he's 'home' to me! Yea the fish definitely suffocates in an aquarium after being in the wide sea for years, but she slowly learns to c the beauty of the place, the pains taken to make this new home a HOME to me and the comfort i have here than the salty sea, yea the sea is still freedom, the aquarium feels dependant but its special, its mine, its made specially for me with all the care and love! There are so many things m learning tho, which will b too long to post here, but i can put in a summary and say i am learning to live... and everyday is a lesson where m surprising myself beyond belief by accepting everything with a smile as life comes, to forget disappoints and hurts overnite or even over-a-second, to deal with sarcasm, discrimination, unfairness, being neglected, arrogance or indifference (these are things i used to fear more than anything in the world) like am watchin a movie (yea whoever said u need to sit under a bodhi tree to learn to look at the world objectively, u jus need to get married once :P), to not just give without taking, but to find happiness in it, to take inequality as love and to take neglect as responsibility... n most of all tht m not a kid nemore n i will not be taken care of that way :) NO! that i am not learning deliberately :D tho i am being reminded this strongly at every instance and change, i rebel! y not? i can b a mother and a kid at the same time, i think a good mother shud b a kid at heart to kno her kid well! No i will not get everything i desire anymore, its hard but i am tryin hard to let go of my ever-giving mother (like a kangaroo!) and be HER to others! In fact m so happy now that i jus m excited bout everything including the fact that being overexcited about anything is a grave mistake and i will only disappointed in the end, m sure u all kno wat i mean.. atleast the women who are married!

i ve never prayed or thanked anyone for the happiness in my life (if there was ever) but i jus wish i had someone to thank for this period in life, the one i enjoyed the most purely from within, even if i had been depressed all thro life, i think this ONE high tide in my life is more than enough to cherish forever! Someone once asked me if Brat did so much to me that m this hyper! I wudnt say YES or NO to that question, since its not just him, but it wud've been nothin without him. But yea its the whole thing, a new life, lifestyle, people, events, responsibilities, a home of my OWN!, a wedding that made me feel like a queen (even if i did it to myself, it still worked!)... yea i brought it from within, this happiness, this splendour, i wudnt owe it to anyone else but ME! I achieved it.... i finally found happiness in a place i never thought it is and in things i thought will hurt me and my ego...and found myself in the process... n Hell No i am not giving it up for anyone or anything, however hard u try to hurt me and turn me around to sans-merci....

Although she will definitely remain as a memory, as a reflection on the mirror, so i can rem that i was once this person... that i will never be again... and who am i today? i thought i will be Swarna Barath but NO i was wrong... the identity i can think of myself now... is of a Mother... and a mother can never be sans merci, can she? its virtually impossible!

So yea, if u think Swarna is married and she has changed, NO! she is a mother and she is just being one :) she is being everything she has to be and not what she wants to be, without regrets!

YAY! i wrote sucha big post with NOTHIN at all!!!!!
i can beat Seinfeld, can i? :D

The day I lived a million times

So many thoughts flowing through my head I dono where to start and where to end this post...so forgive me if u find me more non-sequential then ever … well its jus me… as u kno…But m tryin to type this post on MS Word and paste on blogger so I can be more understandable.. haha now I kno the tuff times u all go thro.. Ms Word is spittin errors on me for every word! Some copywriter eh :P on my blog.. its simply freestyle!!!

ok! I am supposed to write about d-day! I am not outa topic actually, freestyle wedding it all started to be so ... then there were so many obstacles, so many disappointments, so many compromises, so many surprises,…. In the end…all’s well that end’s well rite! And this purification process is not just of my writing or my words it is of my heart, my body and my soul… I am in a process of taking all the dirt away, quite literally grooming at the salon and quite metaphorically within myself.. chasing away negativities…i don want to be sansmerci anymore.. i was never.. it was always my wannabe character and m happy won need to be nemore... so yes i am tryin to make myself pure and simple and blank for the day… the pure white dress a bride wears mite not b so in our weddings.. but it’s so in my heart…a new born with a lot to learn...

Where is all the nervousness, all the fear, all the anxiety I had over the last few months? Its not to b seen, m numb m blank.. I already feel married…

I woke up today and touched my skin, its clear, spotless…plain, well groomed… all-set to carry the bride thro a million glances on the day…i make sure not even a nail scratches my nose or a mosquito bites my hand.. but I can only hope it stays so forever… I hope my heart stays this pure forever….so does our love!

They say wen we tie the ‘notorious’ thali we become god and goddess ourselves for the moment …I never believed in the concept of thali… I always thought I wud never ever wear it in my life… the influence of Indian movies… the over stressed importance worked reverse on me.. its jus so that my religion 'love' doesn’t believe in material commitments and with or without the thali as against whats represented as our ‘culture’ thro media.. I wud love him and be his wife no matter wat… thts the reason I am already swarbrat everywhere tho some people wonder and even sent congrats messages assuming the wedding must b over! yes i choose to use his name with mine.. u mite wonder what happened to the rebellious gal who wudnt want to lose her identity.. this i do outa sheer love.. to kno m gonna be a new person henceforth with a new name.. and him a part of me.. all mine... i can feel the butterflies everytime i sign his name with mine...in fact itis not thati use myname more than my nickname.. tis onlynow that i have no apprehensions in using it.. i ve found myself and the confidence to show myself i cud say...

and yet again i surprise myself … cos in my memory .. in my mind… in my thoughts.. tht lil thali has got on my neck a million times!.. the moment which i thought meant nothin..the moment wen everything stops.. including my heart…m sure i wud love to jump and hug him tight..shut my eyes close and forget everyone around for the next infinite hours… but no I cant do that! Man! Do they even have a ‘u may kiss the bride’ in our tradition!!! I jus need a ‘u may hug the groom’ from the priest…

Every morn wen i open my eyes...its blisssss...m so not a morning person.. but these days are so different..m on cloud nine.. one more day has gone past...i imagine wakin up on 22^nd.. I imagine how it wud feel on the day.. I imagine myself in my pink sari dressed with all the bridal blahblah … they do have a bridal make up trial.. yes but once! But I have it all over and over again everyday … over and over again … a trial in my head… the way i shud smile...the way I wud walk.. I have no freakin grace and I only am more clumsy in a sari! I wud make the worst bride in history of our country.. runnin around in the sari… doin all the arrangements myself.. no delicate darling don-touch-my-manicured-nails-mite-break bride I can afford to me… I cudnt afford to even take rest for the last few days… I don think i'll get my beauty sleep.. I don think I ll be all calm and peaceful the day.. I kno i 've arranged everything to perfection and it shud work.. But still …. U know….i jus cnt sit for a min without the tension.. i feel guilty to watch tv for a few mins..really i jus cant relax!

But in my dreams.. yes I am… I am those fairy tale brides.. with all smokes and all around my legs :P and a few bridesmaids (I don even kno if i have ONE!) around me… and then ... and then...there is this feelin that am gonna sleep off! Seriously m not kiddin I woke up at 12 noon yesterday… can u believe I shud be dressed up by 7 in the morn on sunday! so I shud b getting up at 4 which means i sleep for 30 mins assuming that I sleep at my regular 3 or 3 30 am timing!i don rem wen i slept peacefully in the last couplea months.. eveerytime is shivarathri.. ironically my weddin reception falls on shivarathri itself! m sure i ll sleep like a log that day!

And then soon the day will be over… the day i waited for since I was 10 years old…i relished cherished and almost gave up will never come... and then it jus came and it ll go in a moment.. and we will be jus another married couple... all the drama all the importance.. all the show and care like we are the only people gettin married will fade out...i am not the centre of the stage anymore.. i kno i shud enjoy it wen i have it...the last 5 months went in a fraction of a second… I have totally lost track of time… a minute lasts for gazillion yrs and days last for seconds.. if u know wat I mean…

3 days and 5 hours.. I will be married.. I will be adopted into a new family.. a new mother.. a new brother… a new life.. I will be a new person…new home.. I will be born again that moment as a wife, a daughter, a sister, a more responsible and more matured person who has to lead a home of her own!

And no no high hopes! am not gonna leave alone even then...u will of course see me write all over again …

Mrs. Swarna Barath

The blogger formerly known as Sansmerci

PS: i lost my blogroll list in this change...please leave a comment, so i can add u on my blogroll again!

The Art of Feeling Loved

i dono wat to write on d-day as everyone asks for, but i cud start by my usual abstract ways..wrting bout something i ve learnt over these 25 yrs in my life....about love...

when does one decide to get hitched? how do u take the decision of living with someone all ur life, changing urself for them, accepting every disappointment, struggling through every obstacle that comes ur way and be strong that its 'this person' that will be committed too and wil never be tempted to choose anyone else... thats wen u decide to legally become someones husband/wife, the amount of confidence it takes on the other person is not simple... so much of insecuity, so much of apprehension, so much of fear of the unknown future... what breaks it allmakes the heart happy and long so deepyly for the day i ll be all his.. is the love...m sure u all wud agree.. if not for love.. flowers would've remained mere parts of a plant's anatomy...

what is this love that makes the world spin around and reproduce and changes the by-default selfish nature of human into a 'giving' nature? is it the attraction/crush i felt towards the 13 yr old boy wen i was in 8th std, and i thought i will be married to him one day after probably 20 yrs :P or the lengths i went thro wen i was 17 to make sure my family accepts my affair with my 'boyfriend' at school and get me married by the time i finish my UG! or probably run away with him wen m 18 and never turn bak...and yea live happily ever after like a movie couple!

Now i was 20 and i realised its time to move on...and i knew that family comes first and there's no better love than their's. I found a nice person at heart, who let me be myself, learn, grow up, no strings attached, no forceful commitments and posseiveness, no kiddish fites as with the teenage love... i felt myself grow in the relationship, made me see the world as a better place and more to life than all this... 'love' found yet another meaning in my life... but mayb i grew too much outa it...there are some people like a ladder in life u will never forget ur gratitude towards them and he's one of it, but i still din get enuff love i think ... mayb i am insatiable... and i had to fly... far away to learn life by myself.. independant of family and friends...

and there was another learning.. another life i had to learn.. the hard way.. and another love.. much stronger... much longer and much more important than anything i had in life... so is this love? the one i wud give anything for? i wud go thro anything for, I wud give my life for... i am 22, am i ready to commit to one person? how do i decide? u think u wud want to live with a person u love? hell no! i cud love a million people, once i decide on my life partner i cud love him to death, and thats how arranged marriages work rite? love is inside you and u decide who to shower it on....

so YES! the fact remains that u decide to live all ur life with someone with whom u FEEL loved! and it doesnt come so easily... its very easy to show love, to express it, to give, its too damn difficult to take, to find and to feel loved unless the person is someone who showers it everyday dramatically... and if u think its an energy that comes from the outside, i don think so, to feel loved is an art in itself, to feel wanted, to feel important, to feel special to someone, it takes so much strength within to know that ur worthy of this person's love esp. this person who u think is worth ur love. its once in a million yrs that these two coincide and thats wen u see the rainbows and butterflies in colors u havent seen since u were 13 and had ur different versions of love...

i, being a cynic, being a person with very low self esteem with high self-confidence, is the worst in this art, i cud be called a child's scribble at sketchin in feelin loved and watever u do, i will still feel unworthy of ur love...and then i decided to get hitched to the long term love of my life, only cos i love him and not cos i felt loved... i ran away from him who i was running to...n then i learnt my mistake...what was missin from my heart...i learnt it...yes i did wen i was 25, and learnt it religiously in the last one yr.. to know what love actually is, to know how to absorb it from everyday actions, to know thatur being loved and wanted... to ignore the fights, to ignore moments of anger, to ignore broken promises, to ignore being ignored.. and to c the whole picture... to see beyond material everyday happenings... to feel loved and cherished.. it comes from me.. its from within that it needs to start... its my decision to feel loved or unloved by someone...very simply taken from the decision he has made to love me forever....

...and then i found HIM, its been the same him for all the while but its a HIM in my heart now and it'll remain on the throne forever... cos i feel loved.. i KNOW he loves me come what may, expressed or implied... cos 'I' know it.. and i have learnt to know it....the art of feeling loved is the toughest to learn ever...and once u do... ur ready to start a life, a family, be THE mother to the entire family and give love unconditionally!

I AM READY!

Join the Celebration of Our Love...

What else could be my first post for this special year?

Here it is!

Would love to see my blogging buddies on D day! But for obvious reasons i cant put up the venue in here (esp after the kind of attention this post attracts! :P). So if you are in Chennai and genuinely interested in seeing me in that bridal wear and hog on some yummy wedding dinner, pls take this as my personal invitation and i shall send u the venue by email, but do send me a pic of urs with that email u send, so i don look blank wen i need to introduce u to Brat :D!

PS: Keepin this post short after learning a lesson from the previous...

PS-2: Now i know y i cudnt write poetry for almost a year, looks like i saved it all for my wedding invite! Comments welcome on that pls :)

Design courtesy Anand

Back BUT from BANGalore!

Hello pplzzzzzzzzzz

i c u missin me bad eh ... i ve been missin internet n blogsphere bad too!... reason: 1. the rain, 2. the diwali, 3. the bangalore and 4. the wedding :)

Firstly, the rain... will u believe me if i told u it took me 4hrs and 15 mins to reach less than 15 kms (from nungambakkam to velachery)? well if u don here is a photo story i did on the same... chek it out!

http://picasaweb.google.com/sansmerci/TheJourney#

Check it out n tell me how it is?

i, for a change din curse my bike, my fate and the ppl around but sat in an autorickshaw, took pics and had fun in the flood! seriously... the anti-anxiety pills r workin eh ???... ofcourse it does at least on my appetite!... hope i don gain bak all the kgs i lost ... i jus started lookin mlike myself again after all the med stoped..uff again..atleast not for the next few months until .. until i am no more single and (may or maynot be) available ......oh yes! thats the big news i wanted to share in the last but one post... and thats the point number 4 in there 'the wedding' is on feb 22nd '09 :) and m already on my toes running around for it since point number 3 happened i.e., i had to rush to bangalore.. where i am rite now n will b for some time i guess... the point 2 is understood i guess.. but this time diwali was special and so much fun after say 10 yrs? i was a kid again and hope to b ever after from now on :)

I hope m not a runaway bride since m sinkin knee-deep in cold feet... that shud b called a cold leg i guess..i jus dono wat the future holds.. as of now m excited bout the weddin than the marriage.. if u kno wat i mean..n if at all i have to b married after the wedding.. for that sake.. i can compromise ;)...but on a serious note (if it sounds so)... i really am lookin for a miracle... to either change my mindset or my life.. as of now the docs taken over again... no m not bak to help to my kryptonite.. i guess i ve grown up for good...

With that note i wud like to finish two of my leftover tags... sorry ppl for this late compliance.. but u shudve known sooner or later i will do it.. the love i ve for tags and talkin bout myself...

Psychedelic tagged me to write 4 random things about myself.. boo.. i write so many random things bout myself all the time that half of u cnt make sense of.. anyways since she asked for it and i don like disappointing friends :P.. here it goes...

random 1: i talk too much to many people and too little to some people.. i dono y.. but wen i talk its jus random with no sequence of thought or logic.. i jus don think .. one topic to another i jus have to spill it all out else i ll feel so heavy and incomplete and kinda disoriented.. i dono .. i really dono y!

random 2: i have a very low self esteem but very high self confidence...don ask me how.. am askin myself too!

random 3: i am very very i mean really clumsy.. i cant behave.. m worse than a kid.. i cant eat without spillin my food.. i cant walk without tripping.. shit m a slapstick freakin clown..m not comfy in anything but casuals ...so not elegant to be called a gal... and can easily be befriended and also laufed at by any kid below 5..

random 4: i cant write wen under pressure, i jus cant ... and if m forced to i get tears and i hate myself for being a bad writer that i start thinkin of other career options... but wen nobody bothers me the words jus flow outa my bloody head for no reason.. n i jus bug ppl to read it ... n i jus get so proud of myself and my life...

Now Anoobhooti tagged me to write 5 of my addictions, now thats simple and even u cud answer it if u jus hit 5 random posts of mine int he last 2 yrs... anyways....

Addiction 1: OFCOURSE the internet, i live on it, eat and sleep internet.. wen i don have access, i feel like my life line is cut and i mite die any minute.. yes i can live without oxygen but not the net.. i have no real friends.. n all my used-to-be real friends if any i ever had are in touch only thro it.. no internet.. no merci.. no swarna...

Addiction 2: Love and pampering.. i cant be without being loved and pampered ..the min i feel m not loved i start questionin my existence and decide otherwise.. dangerous and emotional addiction.. but beyond my control..mayb thats y i jus cant stay single even for a day ...

Addiction 3: substances yes! but no! i mean its like on andoff wen m really emotionally down .. i jus need somethin to get me either high or low... i cant deny it... n i wont.. but i ve absolutely got over it... alcohol is not my thing tho.. it used to b.. wen i m happy or sad to celebrate or to drown myself in it...but my kryptonite viz. my happy pills have and will always be my weakness.. the min u hurt me its the first thing on my mind for help.. i shud say i ve got over it partially... n ofcourse the heavenly cancer-stiks used to be my first love... which is nomore too (like anyother love of mine)... but then u ll never forget ur first love rite?... these were my addictions .. so at present i jus live in past glory :) if thats an addiction.. but substance addiction in someway or other.. say atleast on binging food will always remain with me..

Addiction 4: Comin to simpler things... lets say shopping is an addiction.. abusin my cc is my pastime... kids and playin with em is an addiction..i jus cant leave any kid and go home. .. m greedy n i want them all... giving is an addiction.. i keep buyin ppl something.. i keep doin something for someone no matter wat... or how they treat me ... i keep tryin to impress ppl.. satisfy everyone... its a very bad addiction and i ll never get over it... i fall in love and get crushes so easily ... guys are an addiction.. more than that gals are an addiction.. there are so many times i wish i was a guy ... they r jus fabulous n so not mine.. but yea i keep tryin additively to befriend them... food is a big time addiction.. i kno i eat very poor but i jus need to keep tastin variety and this obssession is insatiable too.. but yea it paid off in the form of burrp and blogs tho...

Addiction 5: Doin em tags are an addiction in itself ... yea u got me...i just cant think nemore...

alwrite i ll shut up ... so now u kno ....next time u tag me u ll think twice eh :)

My sansmerci.in domain is expiring in a month, since m gonna b mrs. brat in feb... i'm really confused bout my identity just like i ve no clue bout my own personality.. shud i stay the same or shud be what i shud b .. but then wat is it that i shud b?... i ve a poll on the rite side... choose what u think i shud choose plz :) so my id and my address will change (or not change) from 2009 according to your wish....

shuttin up until next time ......

I warned ya!

I knew it! I saw it comin.. lotsa tags in the offing.. i kno ur all already gettin bored in there. but hey i ve been tagged by ma blogymates.. n i respect their love for me.. n my love for myself :P So here goes one more tag.. guess m the last one to do this since i kno mosta the ppl on my blogroll n done with it ...

RULE #1 People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs and replace any question that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

RULE #2 Tag 6 people to do this quiz and those who are tagged cannot refuse. These people must state who they were tagged by and cannot tag the person whom they were tagged by continue this game by sending it to other people.

1. If your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be?
Well, at 18 i believed in forgiving and forgetting and cryin to myself, at 20 i said fuck off, at 22 i rushed outa imaginary fears, at 24 i needed medical help, marching towards 26 i ve learnt to trust blindly and 'deaf'ly to save myself from heart breaks :) .. thats the makin of a loser :D

2. If you can have a dream come true, what would it be
hmm... to hold my 'very own' baby in my hand for the first time? m sure my heart'll stop that moment!...

3. Whose butt would you like to kick?
my very own .. i jus cant stand myself sometimes...is it possible ?

4. What would do with a billion dollars?
Use it to pay my CC every month :D for the rest of my life..

5. Will you fall in love with your best friend?
I always did .. n it never worked .. but i still believe in it :)

6. Which is more blessed: loving someone or being loved by someone?
definitely being loved by someone.. cos its a rare commodity atleast to me.. its the worst curse to love someone n not be loved bak the same way.. but it takes no supernatural power (blessing) for me to show love to someone .. otherway is not in my hands :(.. whoever said loving someone is better than being loved.. must ve never given as much love in his life ...

Mother Teresa said ' The worst poverty in the world is lonliness and the feeling of being unloved and unwanted'..

7. How long do you intend to wait for someone you love?
exactly the same question i ve been askin myself everyday ... any suggestions?

8. If the person you secretly like is attached, what will you do?
Depends.. if hes a friend, i ll flirt very obviously to his gf's jealousy.. if hes a friends bf, i ll flirt obviously to my friends jealously... so there is no secretly liking thingie here..

On a serious note.. i think 'who likes who mutually' matters more than 'who is in a relship with who'.. if its true.. i ll go ahead n work it out no matter wat.. yea m a strong women wen i type :D
In reality.. i cried ...i whined.. i let him go with a 'hey-m-so-happy-for-u' smile ..

9. If you could root for one social cause, what would it be?
Love to every kid in the world.. in every sense of the word..

10. What takes you down the fastest?
an elevator? :P ... indifference shudve been my answer.. i am a preacher of love and i consider that word our enemy...

11. Where do you see yourself in 10 years time?
I dont want to c 10 yrs from now.. if i have to then i want to c myself as being called the best mother in the world by my kids :)

12. What’s your fear?
i feared a life with no ambition no love no excitement no ppl no motivation no interest to carry on .. no feelings.. no dreams.. i don fear it nemore..

13. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?
i've been tagged by renu, shes a very sweet and a very level headed person ..
and by Inexplicably she is a very loving mother who can write to melt your heart out..

14. Would you rather be single and rich or married and poor?
Oh that question again! what makes u think i ll choose the former?

15. If you fall in love with two people simultaneously who will you pick?
the one who doenst look at his watch and doesnt own a TV.. have all the time in the world for me

16. Would you give all in a relationship?
i dono.. i always think i do .. but only i think so

17. Would you forgive and forget someone no matter how horrible a thing he has done?
i think yes.. do i have a choice?

18. Do you prefer being single or in a relationship?
gosh! again... i ve never been single since i was 16 .. so i dono how it feels otherwise.. i wish i cud..
naaaaaaaaaaa

i am not tagging neone .. i mite get killed if i do .. anyway most ppl have done it already.. lets move on n talk something more like Push up my bra like that, Porno Paparazzi girl... so i get more hits and more comments :P

Get ready for a tag marathon....

Tessie tagged me .. n here it is.. some more stuff bout ME .. another of those posts i love to write more than you like to read :)

Shoooooooooooooooot

What have you realized recently?
You can be just a someone in the world to someone who means the world to you, expecting life to treat u fairly coz u been good is like expecting the lion not to attack u coz u r a vegetarian.

Have you given your first kiss away?
You are almost a decade too late...

If you were to be stranded on a deserted island, who are the 11 blog buddies you would take?
does this include only ppl who write blogs or ppl who visit my blog regularly? i think it'll b VJ sne and B ... to b first on my mind.. n if ur talkin bout jus the blogging ppl.. lemme c ..
Renu (so i dont stray away), Niya (hoping she ll bring along yummy food!), salil (for his sense of humor), edita (a lawyer will always help :P), Tess (definitely for tagging me)... ay there s big list in here.. cant u jus go down n chek my blogroll :D

Where is the place you want to go the most?
Frankly, where i feel home and loved and pampered and cared for.. seriously, its too tuff to live elsewhere after being a queen for 25 yrs at home.. thre's no place like home!

If you have one dream to come true, what would it be?
I have been trained vigorously to think that to dream is to sin .. so NO.. lets jump to next..

Do you believe in seeing the rainbow after the rain?
Nop.. i am more used to seeing horrible roads filled with pits of dirty smelly water after the rain... but yea i still love the rain :D the romantic fool that i am

What are you afraid of losing the most now?
This moment if you ask me.. m afraid of losing my family once i have a new one :( i always thought its easy to have both .... cold feet i can sense!

If you win $1 million, what would you do?
Visit London.. and europe maybe... build an orphange with a lotaaaaaaaaaa kids (after comin bak ofcourse) and settle in it for life happily! :)

If you meet someone that you love, would you confess to him/her?
I cant just meet someone i love, that word means a lot more than that.. n i guess if i love someone that much i shud b knowin them that well.. and in that case .. it wud obv to him/her n the world than me confessing it to him/her.. esp. if its her :D

oh n if u were askin bout crushes... i jus love to confess it.. thats the best feeling ever..don rem the last time i went thro it...man am i gettin old :( n most of all the ego-hurt feelin of makin the first move follows.. beautiful... wen done over n over again! wat a loser i sound like!

List out 3 good points about the person who tagged you
I dono much bout Tess she's relatively a new blogging buddy... lemme try tho...
1. very friendly.. she jus bloghopped n bumped into me.. n now shes on my orkut! that's fast friend-making!
2. great writer.. really like her style.. i don add neone to my blogroll unless i love it ...
3. personally.. from wat i read from her posts.. seems to b a cute lil gal .. love her about me lines and random everyday thoughts ... (read the posts around her wedding.. so real n cute!)

What are the requirements that you wish from your other half?
love me .. in the sense of it.. love being with me .. spending time with me .. miss me..long for me.. make me feel special.. loved wanted and important in his life... most of all appreciate the lil things i do for him.. i wud give my life n more for a sweet word or two.. he better kno this weakness of mine cos it generally makes or breaks my relship with anyone!

naa.. i'll b a nice gal n say..i expect nothin but love from him.. which yea means the same as above!

What type of people do you hate the most?
Slowly.. as life moves on... gradually.. m starting to hate PEOPLE as such!

What is the one thing you can’t live without?
ist it obv .... LOVE!

If you have faults, would you rather the people around you point out to you or would you rather they keep quiet?
i am not tryin to be politically correct or nething but i ll rather have ppl point it out to me than me makin a fool outa myself by continuing my faults..but yea def the way in which it shud b conveyed matters...

Are you a shopaholic or not?
my CC is so abused.... its needs psychiatric help now!

Find a word to describe the person who tagged you
I dono her so well yet.. but i am wonderin why she calls her blog the fat lady's ranting .. wen the blog actually gives a feel of a bubbly young gals vibes!

If you have a chance, which part of your character you would like to change?
The part that hurts my mom ... n everyone i love for that matter..

What’s the last shocking thing you’ve seen or heard?
cant rem... too numb .. sorry...

Would you rather have love but no money or money but no love?
i don understd why love n money are always compared.. why is it tuff to have both.. love's a freaking pickpocket thief or wat! Fine i wud like to go for a lot of love and my CC to express it!

Now you answer.. tagging...
Psychedelic
mysoor pak conversations
Cockroach in Cocktail
It Belongs To Man To Err!!!
anoobhooti
The Multi Menon Chronicle
My little girl

A collection of my work at BM

They made me do it .. i cried .. i begged.. i was shattered against my will.. they made me do it
and here it is...

those were days wen i saw no future, dreaded the word marriage and the dream it brought along.. was as lonely as anyone cud ever b..empty.. lost..heartbroken.. aching.. i did it...!

Not bad eh :P

Wise men say only fools rush in...

BUT Seriously...

A stitch in time saves nine


or


Fake it till u make it?

I feel it in ma fingers i feel it in ma toesss

I hear complains from few readers tht my posts don provide 'food for thought' nemore mayb cos its more about food food and food i write nowdays? .. but words and food are becoming equally passionate to me these days .. and wat better when i can combine both ... i do have some thoughts which i can share… or not? i dono …i sure have lost touch with writing controversies ..

But yes i am looking for some anwers to some questions m sure there r no answers to. then wat m i lookin for? Thts wat m lookin for .. ok cuttin the crap .. lets say m thinkin about the basic essence of life, or atleast wat i think and have always believed as wat the world goes around for.. if u know me u guessed it rite.. m bak to cribbing about love and as always wondering wtf is it! So typically me but hey do u have an answer?

So many things happening around me, weddings, heartbreaks, affairs, sex... emotions being played around left and rite swinging around everywhere in the air.. hostility care indifference detachment attachment lust ... well u kno emotions don u! Now what is love? The word that’s used for every damn thing with no value attached to it nemore ...

I feel love wen i get butterflies in my tummy.. na thts just freakin lust..na i wudnt give it so much of an honor.. its probably well... hmm just butterflies? I feel love wen my mom brushes my hair sayin m the most beautiful baby shes ever seen.. isn't it too unconditional to be love.. is that wat is just love? i feel love wen m made to feel special by someone.. me call that vulnerable.. u dumb gal! I feel love when my kids come running to me even wen I c them after a year.. its overwhelming to kno they rem u after so long.. hmm so this cud b love .. but thn again how far or long is it? I feel love wen m made love to .. but then there r so many times wen u feel like a fukin machine… well quite literally … no no no dear!

But wait I truly believe or believed that love is ever thing in the world to live for.. love is god.. it’s the only form of creation I know and so can believe it to be the creator or god or whatever u wnana call it..sometimes u do feel well … hell with it .. theres no shit called love its just a freakin word to fool me .. to make me do things I ll never do otherwise.. to make me surrender.. to make me budge.. hurt me gimme pain … but then again whats wrong in that? What else is the world spinning around for?

Yes I agree tht whatever may come I will not (even wen I so badly want to) give up my basic value in life – to give love and be loved .. in whatever way possible.. Love is giving… love’s inside you its more fun wen u give it out … than getin more n more n stockin it inside.. don wonder if m a saint! Apparently sometimes I decide tht I shud be expecting no love in return .. Duh! how long u think someone can keep giving? It only accumulates to frustration and desperation … and its ugly followings .. better unmentioned...

So now actually coming to the wat I wanted to say :D this key to life.. cud it mean a lot diff to a lot of ppl? .. it so confusing! Wen I say I love u I just mean I love u … wat else can it mean? But then wat does it mean? There r ppl who value it as commitment? Mayb thts wat the Indian media has projected it to be .. man thts scary.. if something as free-willed as love can be made a commitment … its like imprisoning god in some random jail on earth! It demeaning its narrow and its sick..but thts me alrite...most ppl don agre with me wen i say motherhood is in a gal rite from birth, i think its an inborn quality, feeling and value to be a woman in the first place.. i turn furious wen i hear this common sayin 'a woman is complete wen she attains motherhood' .. of crap man .. that is so ironically stupid .. a woman is a woman only wen she has the 'mother' in her .. and it has no shit to do with 'f'ing and makin another creature plz...

Getting back to our God being imprisoned, I ve never believed in commitment or anything thts forced upon me without love .. learning from life ..i realize m not exactly rite.. u cud always love ur commitment .. or love to be committed...thts wat a marriage is all about rite? else why wud any one wana stick to one person all their life?.. being an Indian thats a basic moral ethic in our country aint it?..

hey don chek the link again … yes its me talking… don get me wrong .. there is always an ‘if’ there is love… and there is always as many ‘buts’ as in this post…

BUT then again.... wtf is this love am crapping so much bout?????????

A date with Mr.Murphy

If anything can go wrong, it will!
If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something
If everything is going right ... something is wrong.
Any thing that can go wrong, HAS Already Gone Wrong.

If you go to bed with an itchy ass, you wake up with smelly fingers!
Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value
In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it.
Any time you put an item in a "safe place", it will never be seen again.

No matter where I go, there I am.
A person without values or standards can never be a hypocrite.
An expert is someone with an opinion and a word processor.
The road to success is always under construction
If at first you don't succeed destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

Mrs. Murphy's Law
If anything can go wrong it will go wrong when Mr. Murphy is out of town....
If something goes wrong, it's Mr. Murphy's fault.
If Murphy's law is right then it will go wrong
If you apply Murphy's Law, it will no longer be applicable.

And on the eighth day God said; "O.K. Murphy, you take over!"
If you make it through a Murphy Day...YOU WIN!

HAPPY HAPPY NEW YEAR 2008!

Finally the year comes to an end and I already feel like my miseries are ending with the year ending. I have never taken any resolution in all these years. I am reaching a quarter century and have probably already lived 1/3rd of my life and can’t think bout anything good that I have done to myself or the people around me or for anyone in the world at all. So I am thinking of taking a resolution this year. Not one but many! Probably for all these years I have wasted wasting myself in a wasted world of my own.

Come to think of it, the best year in my life was 2004! 2005 was good enough, no complains. But yea 2006 was getting to my head and 2007 finally made me into a nothing n I was about to lose myself or rather I did and have come back to life again now, thanks to the most understanding doc in the world and the most loving mom in the world who are still by my side. Now my first resolution is to keep their faith on me and give them success by becoming a happy person as I was in 2004. I guess I’ve to make a lotta changes to become myself again. 2004! Wow it was a dream life. If I find a time machine I would go back and stop it rite there and definitely would have never made any of the mistakes I did or regretted later.

So I was analyzing what was so special about this year that makes me so happy when I think of it. Yes I was in the best college with an awesome set of friends, partying all the time, learning mass communication (supposed to be what I wanted to learn from childhood but dint learn anything tho), staying in Sathyam cinema and watching 3 movies a day, really kewl lectures from whom I’ve learnt a lot (ahem), working towards my MS and what not! I can keep on listing them. No I cant get back or do any of this cos I am not 21 anymore. So I decide to look deeper into everything and take the essence of it.

First and foremost, I was being loved. I believe that’s the only thing that keeps me going or anyone for that matter. I was in a perfect relationship with someone perfect, which might never happen again in my life. Nevermind! And then I fell in love! Truly madly deeply crazily in love with someone who loved me the same way back. I had the most romantic days of my life though virtually it was true! I wrote a lot, poetry, scripts, magazine articles, copies for campaigns, simply put as college projects which meant the world to me. I could write and I was appreciated. There was a bunch of people who thought I wrote well. There were a couple of friends who considered me a nice person in spite of all my negatives. I felt good about myself outwardly and inwardly. Took care of my appearance and felt good looking. I was motivated to look forward to something by working towards GRE and applying abroad. I was achieving something, going somewhere, had a future. And YES my kids! The one PR campaign that showed me who I am, the love within me and what made me happy and how one could find happiness and love so easily instead of searching for it everywhere.

So here comes 2008! Another leap year after 2004. I am gonna take a bigger leap this time. I will believe in love once again. I will be a happy person; I will bring happiness to people around me. I wont get into my lonely dark world and cry out for love. I will fall in LOVE once again with all faith and belief and make it the perfect relationship I was looking for instead of searching for the right one who loves me, I will find my career in writing with confidence by writing positive, thinking creative and most of all have a good self image, I will take care of my health and body to feel good looking again eat right work out :P, listen to the one person who loves me unconditionally keep her happy by being happy and a good gal yes am trying to become a teetotaler (really really com’on!) and am sure I’ll achieve it soon, work towards a future if not studying abroad something else to look forward to as a happy future, travel the world or atleast DREAM and plan for it and work for it, follow what life has taught me and last but not the least, visit my kids often love them more find more kids and bring more happiness to myself!

YES! I will DREAM! I will LOVE! No force inside or outside me can stop it again and if it does m gonna throw it outa me or outa my life! Strong stronger strongest is my path now! I am sure I’ll be on my blog in 2009 Jan! Lets c if I keep up all this then I’ll b a better person definitely in love (probably married) :D with lotsa kids where ever I go. Guess I just found my time machine as I was typing my heart out… bye bye I gotta catch it soon….

Hurray! Undefinedoxymoron.blogspot.com will be on
www.sansmerci.in from 2008!

Quotable quotes by Sansmerci

1. A loser is not someone who has lost, a loser is someone who is lost!

2. A holiday is a holiday only when it is on a holiday.

3. The best way to cure claustrophobia is to shut urself in a closed room for few days but u always have the risk of becomin a serial killer.

4. Love is a fancy name given to things less acceptable, morally socially and legally.

5. Hence unconditional love = fraud + misrepresentation + concealment of information.

6. A best friend is always someone u wud’ve hated otherwise.

7. Stop fooling around before you wake up one day n realize wat a fool u ve made outa urself.

8. Those who pray to live are losers, but those who live to pray are failures.

9. Too much is never enough but enough is never too much. So what u need is always inversely proportionate to its availability.

10. Marriage is like Shakespeare's plays, either a full fledged comedy or a total tragedy.