If looks cud kill....then i must b writing this from hell...

Is it virtually possible to send out hate vibes to people? i have never hated anyone in my life ... i have had angers .. i have hated peoples specific characteristics.. i ve shouted and threatened to kill ppl too in moments of anger... i dislike some ppl at first site.. i dislike some ppl even b4 i meet them .. i ve been jealous.. i ve envied...i ve spited...i ve cursed...but i have never hated anyone in this last 26 years per se, i cant think of one person ...neither can i think of anyone who has hated me so much... again there are ppl who think m arrogant, m stupid, m selfish, m heartless, m an asshole... etc etc.. but jus plainly hate me for who i am? mayb someone does and i never knew it but it has never bothered me as much.. cos noone has ever meant that much to me in life to be affected by their vibes over me ... i am preacher of love and giving and wud foolishly give even if u keep on takin.. no m not proud of it .. i let ppl walk all over me cos of it .. it is my disease!

But NOW i feel hated... i feel hate vibes all around me.. don get me wrong.. its not bout family or friends they are all very supportive and infact takin all the shit i am givin them ...but there is hate and evil vibes all around me and i can feel it haunting me .. eating me alive...like a death machine...giving me brain shivers....am i paranoid...or am i really being hated so much? have u ever felt it? is it true? a vibe that can kill u .. looks that can give u a nervous breakdown...

Back BUT from BANGalore!

Hello pplzzzzzzzzzz

i c u missin me bad eh ... i ve been missin internet n blogsphere bad too!... reason: 1. the rain, 2. the diwali, 3. the bangalore and 4. the wedding :)

Firstly, the rain... will u believe me if i told u it took me 4hrs and 15 mins to reach less than 15 kms (from nungambakkam to velachery)? well if u don here is a photo story i did on the same... chek it out!

http://picasaweb.google.com/sansmerci/TheJourney#

Check it out n tell me how it is?

i, for a change din curse my bike, my fate and the ppl around but sat in an autorickshaw, took pics and had fun in the flood! seriously... the anti-anxiety pills r workin eh ???... ofcourse it does at least on my appetite!... hope i don gain bak all the kgs i lost ... i jus started lookin mlike myself again after all the med stoped..uff again..atleast not for the next few months until .. until i am no more single and (may or maynot be) available ......oh yes! thats the big news i wanted to share in the last but one post... and thats the point number 4 in there 'the wedding' is on feb 22nd '09 :) and m already on my toes running around for it since point number 3 happened i.e., i had to rush to bangalore.. where i am rite now n will b for some time i guess... the point 2 is understood i guess.. but this time diwali was special and so much fun after say 10 yrs? i was a kid again and hope to b ever after from now on :)

I hope m not a runaway bride since m sinkin knee-deep in cold feet... that shud b called a cold leg i guess..i jus dono wat the future holds.. as of now m excited bout the weddin than the marriage.. if u kno wat i mean..n if at all i have to b married after the wedding.. for that sake.. i can compromise ;)...but on a serious note (if it sounds so)... i really am lookin for a miracle... to either change my mindset or my life.. as of now the docs taken over again... no m not bak to help to my kryptonite.. i guess i ve grown up for good...

With that note i wud like to finish two of my leftover tags... sorry ppl for this late compliance.. but u shudve known sooner or later i will do it.. the love i ve for tags and talkin bout myself...

Psychedelic tagged me to write 4 random things about myself.. boo.. i write so many random things bout myself all the time that half of u cnt make sense of.. anyways since she asked for it and i don like disappointing friends :P.. here it goes...

random 1: i talk too much to many people and too little to some people.. i dono y.. but wen i talk its jus random with no sequence of thought or logic.. i jus don think .. one topic to another i jus have to spill it all out else i ll feel so heavy and incomplete and kinda disoriented.. i dono .. i really dono y!

random 2: i have a very low self esteem but very high self confidence...don ask me how.. am askin myself too!

random 3: i am very very i mean really clumsy.. i cant behave.. m worse than a kid.. i cant eat without spillin my food.. i cant walk without tripping.. shit m a slapstick freakin clown..m not comfy in anything but casuals ...so not elegant to be called a gal... and can easily be befriended and also laufed at by any kid below 5..

random 4: i cant write wen under pressure, i jus cant ... and if m forced to i get tears and i hate myself for being a bad writer that i start thinkin of other career options... but wen nobody bothers me the words jus flow outa my bloody head for no reason.. n i jus bug ppl to read it ... n i jus get so proud of myself and my life...

Now Anoobhooti tagged me to write 5 of my addictions, now thats simple and even u cud answer it if u jus hit 5 random posts of mine int he last 2 yrs... anyways....

Addiction 1: OFCOURSE the internet, i live on it, eat and sleep internet.. wen i don have access, i feel like my life line is cut and i mite die any minute.. yes i can live without oxygen but not the net.. i have no real friends.. n all my used-to-be real friends if any i ever had are in touch only thro it.. no internet.. no merci.. no swarna...

Addiction 2: Love and pampering.. i cant be without being loved and pampered ..the min i feel m not loved i start questionin my existence and decide otherwise.. dangerous and emotional addiction.. but beyond my control..mayb thats y i jus cant stay single even for a day ...

Addiction 3: substances yes! but no! i mean its like on andoff wen m really emotionally down .. i jus need somethin to get me either high or low... i cant deny it... n i wont.. but i ve absolutely got over it... alcohol is not my thing tho.. it used to b.. wen i m happy or sad to celebrate or to drown myself in it...but my kryptonite viz. my happy pills have and will always be my weakness.. the min u hurt me its the first thing on my mind for help.. i shud say i ve got over it partially... n ofcourse the heavenly cancer-stiks used to be my first love... which is nomore too (like anyother love of mine)... but then u ll never forget ur first love rite?... these were my addictions .. so at present i jus live in past glory :) if thats an addiction.. but substance addiction in someway or other.. say atleast on binging food will always remain with me..

Addiction 4: Comin to simpler things... lets say shopping is an addiction.. abusin my cc is my pastime... kids and playin with em is an addiction..i jus cant leave any kid and go home. .. m greedy n i want them all... giving is an addiction.. i keep buyin ppl something.. i keep doin something for someone no matter wat... or how they treat me ... i keep tryin to impress ppl.. satisfy everyone... its a very bad addiction and i ll never get over it... i fall in love and get crushes so easily ... guys are an addiction.. more than that gals are an addiction.. there are so many times i wish i was a guy ... they r jus fabulous n so not mine.. but yea i keep tryin additively to befriend them... food is a big time addiction.. i kno i eat very poor but i jus need to keep tastin variety and this obssession is insatiable too.. but yea it paid off in the form of burrp and blogs tho...

Addiction 5: Doin em tags are an addiction in itself ... yea u got me...i just cant think nemore...

alwrite i ll shut up ... so now u kno ....next time u tag me u ll think twice eh :)

My sansmerci.in domain is expiring in a month, since m gonna b mrs. brat in feb... i'm really confused bout my identity just like i ve no clue bout my own personality.. shud i stay the same or shud be what i shud b .. but then wat is it that i shud b?... i ve a poll on the rite side... choose what u think i shud choose plz :) so my id and my address will change (or not change) from 2009 according to your wish....

shuttin up until next time ......

Torn apart.....

Here's another short post that follows the very long one....

I need help choosin between two options again, its a life decision and i hope u'all can help..before i put forward THE Question! lemme add a lil more gyan on the topic so it doesnt become incomprehensible like last time...

But to express... i've lost the flair to write poetry... i thought its cos my dark days are over... and i cant write for nuts wen m happy or sober... not that i ve been really happy.. but yes i ve been too sober... but hey think m getting bak there.. so for starters lets let papa roach and linkin park sing for me ....

The current tracks playing on the playlist o' ma head is...

I'm tired of being what you want me to be,
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
i Don't know what you are expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
Every step that I take is another mistake to you

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware,
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

and....

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I left my heart open
But you didn't understand....

when papa roach wrote this song,they wudnt have even imagined that its so for me and it will have the honor to appear on my blog... :)

Now help me ...

Tell me whats more painful ....

A bad liver?

or

A broken heart?

For ppl who cant form ur words (jus like i cant)... i've got a poll on the side, choose the option that you would rather stay with..

PS: Sorry this was supposed to be a short post rite? ... duh! i've become so eloquent :P

A letter to my 18-year-old self

I almost forgot how it feels to write a post. I have been so much bloghopping these days (and takin care of my second baby cruly ignoring the first) that i almost din realise that its been long since i posted here.. while my lil baby here was carryin the promotion for my foodie blog with no complains :) this post has been long pending.. by which i mean really long wen i read this post 'a letter to my 18-year old self' in Ritu's blog, searched for blogs with that post and read many bloggers who have done a lot of introspection by doin this little exercise.. seriously i wanted that relief in myself i decided to tag myself on it.. but never had the time to post that...

So here it goes... (a blush jus creeped into my face... gosh wat am i turnin into :O.. ive actually lost my sense of i-don-give-a-damn writing.. ok now thats another post by itself on how subconsciously writers start writing FOR their readers.. even if they rebel not to...oh oh lost track! .... )

Dear Swarna

First of all, who the F*** do u think ur? sorry for sucha rude start, i kno am elder to u and i need to teach u how to speak with respect, hell no.. this is how ur language will grow.. as u get older.. the more life frustrates u the more fs in ur language increase invariably... but seriously who do u think ur? earth to girly! Come down to the 'real world' whre u ll be welcomed with a lot or stones and rotten eggs soon... You aint no beauty queen.. you aint no conquerer of the world.. u not gonna rule any kingdoms.. u not gonna have princes fallin outa horses to their knees to woo u...

I am sure u have learnt quite a lot in last 2 years, havent u? Rem this, Life aint one big honeymoon, dont keep fallin for romantic losers who lose their romance faster than their head.. n this attention u get.. wont last forever..u mite think guys are at ur disposal today, u will die for a word or touch of love in future.. well stop searchin for true love.. accept love wen shown to u.. too much searchin will end up in total waste of time and ur life.. in the end no use regreting hurting and losin someone who u think is the one... wen u actually grow up and realise who ur and what u need...it mite b too late to have that someone u missed! well no m not even tlkin bout the person ur callin ur bf now.. yea u ll give ur life for him today and go against the world for him .. tomo he ll mean nothin to u .. as much u wont recognise him when u see him on the same street as urs... trust me but life goes on... and if not virtually single.. u will find lonliness and the feelin of being unloved ur company for life ... get used to it .. well u wont even kno wat i mean now.. hmm i think i wud jus say enjoy the love and attention that u get an overdose of to the jealousy of others.. u ll soon b a loser for life...

n hey don worry about studyin in a school for a college .. u ll soon enjoy the best college days of anyones life ...u will actually have real 'friends' in life!.. how does it feel to be at the peak of a hill and the hit the valley.. yes get ready for the best 2 yrs of ur life and then hit rock bottom.. i wish u don make the rong decisions u do.. but then eveything happens for good and i can only say don lose hope and never HATE anyone no mtter wat... n if u hurt someone ... don regret too late..wat goes around comes around .. n b ready for it.. u f***in deserve it.. well life's not a big honeymoon honey m tellin u yet again..there r no fairy tales or happy endings.. not everyone understds ur language of love.. do not overrate it...do not overlong for it... stop trusting ur mom on unconditional love .. its not true.. u don get it.. u cant give it without being taken for granted and fooled.. somehow it works only with moms..

Learn to sleep! whatever trbl u mite face.. b independant.. u gonna have a lota trbl due to not learning these two things .. emotional dependancy is not something to b proud of.. jus cos ur not financially dependant... dependancy is a syndrome.. (on substance or people) ..a disease u ll b treated for.. and yea dreams....if u think thts wat makes ur life go on.. then stop living rite away cos not all dreams come true (infact u ll come to a stage u ll forget how it feels to dream).. STOP DREAMING! GET REAL! No u will not have that dream house by the beach ur dreamin of, but u wont even have a house of ur own.. oh well first of all u shud have a life of ur own..hehe.. u dono wat the opposite of freedom is today.. u ve been brght up oh-so-broadminded and free of any restrictions.. wonderin how it ll b if u don have the basic freedom to live life the way u want to? oh man! and get ready for some dark days.. accidents.. a lot of heart breaks..and i mean a lot of! No u have no idea wat that means now.. well u ll have ur share of everything...in the end it is fun m tellin u.. how many times do u think u ll flirt with death? take a guess? m i scarin u too much? ... duh! i think u shud b happy that ur life ll b a lot eventful than ur plannin it to b...

Do not take what u learnt from ur relationship to the next.. its not the same always.. Don lose ur friends u can never ever get em bak.. don break relationships easily it can never ever patch bak like it used to be.. gettin it bak is like stickin a glass together.. if u kno wat i mean.. Stop over reacting to things.. stop havin opinons there'll b a time they wont count nemore..and if u don have the strength to stand for wat u rebel against,.,.. freakin shut up.. don keep cribbing bout it.. n hey u WILL lose all ur energy to rebel against anything in life.. trust me U WILL SUCCUMB.. u'll be jus another gal compriomising her values for normal life (which as far as i kno u've not had until 2008, yes u will believe to have it in future) .. u ll b JUST ANOTHER PERSON.. nothin special..nothin unique.. jus anther hypocrite living in the face of earth..awww! whats that look on ur face.. kinda familiar to me..hmm... do u feel like hittin me with a brick? hate me? face it! I am YOU in a few years from now on :)..

Since u beg me i tell u some good things i can think of.. hmm .. hmm.. i think ur overrating love and the goodness of giving love unconditionally will pay off someday .. don give it up .. m sure u wont even if ur beaten out to hell.. being the loser tht ur... well somewhere down my heart.. i believe in it sweetheart .. oh oh.. lets delete these lines... oh yea one more good thing of ur unrestrained galivanting around the city n eating in every nook and corner will pay off.... wonderin how? anythin done with passion gives good results trust me n love ur city that u hate now.. u gonna do it by default soon and the city will love u bak nuff for it.. n u wont believe this if i tell u .. but after all the shit u ve been thro and lost hope on ur career and talent (there'll be a point wen u think mayb ppl r rite.. if ur a good student.. u need to be a doc or engineer.. haha!) .. U WILL BECOME A WRITER! ok fine dont believe me :P dumb gal...!!!! (do i see a smile? :P)

But hey since i do love u as a child i would like to give some advice to ...i ll tell u one secret u need to kno to hold on to ur life strongly..which u will lauf at me now for.... u mite hate ur bro .. u mite think ur moms a nobody.. but if u will have something to live for in future... it will be.. YOUR FAMILY.. nothin else is urs.... u ll kno it pretty soon...

PS: Get over ur dad.. that could be the first step u can do to fix ur life.. u will never be able to fill his space and thats the freakin truth ..

Your's truly
Sansmerci (No u dint change ur name in the Gazette, its jus an evolved form of ur f***ed up head)

Alrite! Uff! Does it feel gr8 to get bak to my kinda writing? Yes it does.. rem those days wen i jus write the flow of my head without thinkin who's readin and what ll they think..but now that i ve a diff circle of blog friends.. acutally everyone from every age and class and attitude.. i dono what me and my blogs becomin.. i cud write more freely wen i wasnt judged...well this time i realised i shud b myself and this one place i got where i can use as a friend wen m down and happy... Oh! thinkin of happy.. Yes i do have somethin to share wth everyone ... but hey not in this ugly post .. lets save it for the next one!

Disclaimer: This post was not meant to hurt anyone or blame anyone for my life.. its purely a letter to myself about the many mistakes 'I' and only 'I' have committed in life and the lessons learnt thro these yrs thro many events and many ppl and many phases ..

Now for ppl who want to introspect.. i wud so love to read what each of u have to say to ur 18-year old self.. do u dare to take it up?

A collection of my work at BM

They made me do it .. i cried .. i begged.. i was shattered against my will.. they made me do it
and here it is...

those were days wen i saw no future, dreaded the word marriage and the dream it brought along.. was as lonely as anyone cud ever b..empty.. lost..heartbroken.. aching.. i did it...!

Not bad eh :P

Found a Friend in Food

I am happy I took a break for a week and writing this today. I’ve read a lot in this mean time while I have some changes in my mood too (yea as always). But I’ve a reason now something I want to share with everyone. Everyday I get to read a million articles on women, fitness, diet, clothing, fashion, exercise, this, that and what not. Moreover, there are commercials, television and movies. I might not know much women but almost everyone I know are so figure conscious, no matter if they weigh 30 kgs or 70 kgs. Well this includes me too. Sometimes, these seem like a positive thing but mostly it seems negative. Guess almost all of you know the incredible amount of weight I have put on since few months now that some people don’t even recognize me anymore? Yea I blame it on the medication I was/am on, but I agree I dint make much effort in the initial stage of it and now whatever I do, I just can’t get rid of it.

I made a resolution stating that I will diet and exercise and bring down my weight back to what I was in few months (if you remember me getting enlightened in my New Year post). I literally lived on fruits veggies and coffee for some 3 months out of which I hit the gym for 20 days causing me to put on another few kgs. I almost gave up, no actually I gave up! Started hogging on food left, right and centre. It was like revenge and I dint know I was hurting myself in the whole process but it’s like a vicious circle. You eat, feel guilty, get depressed and hog to chase away the blues (I swear nothing comforts like food not even alcohol). Maybe cos I have given up all my habits and have no resort to depend and was too lonely all thro the day and needed some company (my friend food). Now that adds a few more kgs. I resorted to pills and starting abusing FOOD and I really dint know that I was actually a victim of Bulimia nervosa. This is an eating disorder where people binge eat. Once I read up on it, it only interested me more and I was actually considering abuse of laxatives until I got to read the horrible effects of it! It is a typical act of Anorexics who are crazily affected by their body image and starve/purge and do everything to maintain it. I do agree that I believe that my good looking is very important to my self image and how I feel. I realized its not just me, there so many women around the world and a few I know too are disturbed so much due to this stereotypical stick figure view of a good looking woman but at the cost of physical and mental well being?

THINK AGAIN! (Well that doesn’t mean that am thinking again!)

And for all you Bulimics and Anorexics there (or almost there), I just found a MIRACLE DIET, (cant believe am saying that!) something that is fast, healthy and doesn’t take much of an effort. It actually worked for me. I still am yet to get outta the surprise (shock?)…. Dono how long it gonna last... So let me POSTpone it to the next POST!

Nobody invited you to read ...

He’s gotta girlfriend
She has got a kid
She got married
He is engaged
He got a busy job
She got her own family
He got other patients
She went to study
He went abroad
He found his career
She found a rich guy
He got a wife
He … she … can’t think of more
And if even SHE is preoccupied
Where do I go?

Why am I getting bak to my dark world? For no reason? I dono but its just too lonely here … this time am sure somebody will save me b4 I sink in it. Somebody talk to me plz am going crazy here all alone .. how does it feel living with urself the whole day? Do u have an idea? How does it feel to carry so much within u and walk alone ……

What did I actually wanna write on? My mind is so restless am not able to get a hold of it and put down words here. Its flying out in every direction possible

NO I aint surrendering
You cant have me back my love …
You know I cant resist you
but is that all u care
After all you hurt me
what makes you think
I would get back to u for help
Yes I slipped but never again
I would rather lose my head
I would rather die restless
I would rather spend sleepless nites
But I don need to sleep with u
U can seduce u can overdose…
For all u care, I cud b no more in the morn …

Oh it feels so nice after I got that shit outa my head! Feels good to have written that, I know makes no sense to u! If you think its bout my x boyfriend…Get to know me soon!

Anyway, wud like to add to this psychic post I actually wanted to post on Bulimia and Anorexia, if you are wondering what it is, it’s the new battle am fighting against…

Lonelytown

This place I don’t belong faking life
This time I don’t emote faking smile
I wanna go home to lonelytown
I wanna go back where I belong
My shiny tears and beautiful fears
Dark and cloudy silent and haunted
Where is my pain am missing you
Where is my sorrow m empty without you
Come and take me home my gothic baby
Happy clowns here r scaring me
Oh so phony. Oh so crazy!
Come take me home to lonelytown
Come take me home to lonelytown
That is where I belong!

I am starving without some bleeding
I am dying without some insanity
Life so eventless so mediocre so nothing
Life so pretentious so-called happy!
Where I am, am so lost, lost in the crowd
Crowd of clones with no mind of their own
Save me from this place filled with sham
The cheater ‘joy’ and the fooling ‘excitement’
The Liar ‘love’ and the selfish ‘compassion’
Am sorry momma I gotta go back now
Don’t worry I’d be better in my home
Am going back to lonelytown
Am going back to lonelytown
That is where I belong!

Beyond the Beyond - As my diary reads on 21/05/07

love is all around spread it show it share it socialise party humanity LIFE give take love care beautiful everybody loves u ur in the limelite nobody cares but a few good friends u think nobody caresnobody really careseverybody actually give up n stop carin u don care bout urself nemore u stop carin for others u hurt urself hurt everyone around hostility indifference loneliness dark ugly addiction death beyond a point nobody cares n wen u give up but wat u dono is theres a point beyond where life gives up on un u start really carin for urself m scared i care bout me myself .. for the first time in my life not cos theres noone else to .. cos i killed myself .. i gota save myself .. is it too late to love myself? i cnt belive i care for myself ...I CANT !!mayb its the stage beyond the beyond where i got no option but to save msyelf .. or kill myself .. after all m selfish too .. m beyond the beyond stage .. heheheeeeeeeeeeeeeecnt u c ur mailin it to urself n readin it urself u dumb crazy bych

That's a bad suicide note aint it? Atleast for a writer ... well better luck to me next time on both the suicide and the note hehe .. neways m not Kurt Cobain write a sexy note even at that point but that line will always be my anthem - Its better to Burn out than to Fade away!

PS: am sure u din understd nehtin outa it! i did a lil tho wen i was sane .. neways i din edit a word so it remains in its original form u c :) gosh my life was so eventful! boring now!

Same time last year

http://undefinedoxymoron.blogspot.com/2006/09/i-don-believe-in-life-after-death.html

http://undefinedoxymoron.blogspot.com/2006/09/frozen-chilli.html

Sept 07 and am here still with the same feeling, except that it has grown into a bigger thingy and eating me up now … it has a certificate and am still the same… wen will I get out and get a life or will I ever have one?

rEbOrN 2 lIvE tHiS dEatH aGaiN?

Watch this space........ till i get some words in my half baked empty head to put down here .... from my broken rotten so-called heart

about:blank

i dono wat to write about but my head is so empt n idle i need to do somethin b4 i run outa here like a mad bych. i wud rather be takin rest at home which is equally sick!

how can i run outa everywhere how can i reach nowhere where do i find what i want wen i dono wat it is, i look at the traffic n i wonder where is everybody goin, where do i belong what the heck is wrong with me .. m hurt from head to toe ... havent i had nuff yet? somebody get me outa this ... m sittin here countin minutes .. i ve been doi this for last 1 yr.. nothin has changed except place and time... so its just me where ever i am .. doesnt matter ... i don wanna stop writing this post cos i dono wat to do next.. but i kno slowly i ll get rid of this too.. or it ll get rid of me ... i think its begining to already aint it? ... i have to count 200 min b4 i get home n start counting again ...

i ve lost everything/everyone in my life i realize it slowly, no it hits me hard only now... m gettin blanker n blanker.. m useless and empty.. maybe i shud start believing in next birth n just give up. somebody push the button.. thats all it needs! (Fullstop)

Like u give a @@@@

Felt like puttin these things up tday after all its my diary rite?
some writen by me some r not ... guess u can make out the diff urself!

Yes I am born everyday cos i die everynite!

My brain is a heartless bast*** and my heart is a brainless idiot

How will you know I am hurting if you can't see my pain?
To wear it on my body tells what words cannot explain.

The opposite of love is not hate; its indifference

Death aint nothin but a heartbeat away
its better to burn out than to fade away

I am not completely useless
i can be used as a bad example!

If life had an indicator, mine wud always b beepin left;
never gone de rite side, keep hangin on to wat is left!

Wen u c de world thro a pair of shades,
everything looks cool,
detachment is all it takes!

http://everything2.com/index.pl?node_id=1148436

http://www.script-o-rama.com/movie_scripts/g/girl-interrupted-script-transcript-jolie.html

http://www.lyrics007.com/Pink%20Lyrics/Just%20Like%20A%20Pill%20Lyrics.html

I don need no SUGAR PILLS!!

Break my head cut into pieces burn it into ashes I don care
Its running somewhere let it go I wanna run outa my head
Give me a way give me a song give me something to live on
Cry with me all u happy people I detest ur smile makes me hate u
The hate with in kills me mercy-kill me someone plz
Am dyin in danger dyin in fear of life dyin for something
I cant find I cant understand I cant go on nemore
Break my head I cant stand it its not me nemore
I cant write I cant sing I cant dance what am I here for
I cant breathe I cant smile I cant see people around
Break my fukin head now its fukin me too hard in the rong fukin hole!

No I cant write a happy song I think u shud stop chekin my blog!
My happy pills aint working! U gave me a fukin placebo [:(]

NOW gimme my HAPPY pills u LOSER!!

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Flirtin death

Who says a thing of beauty is a joy forever
every love rose turns faded ugly faster
who says nothin lasts forever
change is permanent pain is eternal
twas much fun wen i was flirtin death
as per norm now as he returns the favor
my handsome prince hits me stronger
fuks me harder, smiles n sweet talks me
does it taste sweet wen u kiss my poison
or u long 4 a way to undo this lust u had 4 me ...

how it feels to b half dead half alive
possessed by him on one side obssessed to live on the other
everythin that is left is his
my heart my hand n everything on the other side of me
mayb i shud fite 4 my rite
mayb i shud show the other cheek
mayb i shud let him rule take me over
as i lie here cherishing the days of beauty
regreting the thoughts of forever
breathin heavy wanting to let go
wen i jus had one last breath to decide ..
i long to survive ..
with jus another heart beat to spare
i plead on my bed with death
y did u let me die you shudve just killed me ....

Who broke my penance of death ???

i dont understand this person here!!

i don want to c anyone
i wanna b alone ... want everyone to leave me alone
but i feel chronically depressed n lonely

i don wanna talk to anyone
i despise company
i hate everyone ... ppl jus irritate me invariably
but i long for someone to listen to me
to cry to.. to lean on

i wanna b loved
but whoever shows me love
i avoid them
neglect them
ignore them
run away from them
but i feel
i feel unwanted
unloved .. unworthy of it .. alone n desperate

i wanna stay depressed
i enjoy that feelin so much
i never wanna get over it
but m not able to take the pain
m not able to handle it

wanna put an end to it
but still i don wanna b happy
feel guilty to b happy
its not home to b happy
i hate that feelin
i don feel like myself
i am a negative person n m proud of it

i don wanna b average ..
i wanna b unique n not part of the herd
but m jealous of ppl with normal life so happy n secured
ah ! i wud hang myself instead of being mediocre
but still how i wish .. my life was so simple!
y am i incapable of being normal y does it turn me off

i wanna end it
i cant even imagine how much more longer life is
how borin!
ppl ask me not to think of future n jus live for the day
so i completely stopped dreaming but now
its so tiring to think of living each day for so many more yrs
but i cant end it i don wanna end it
i have nothin to carry on for cos i have no dreams
nothin to look fwd to
no reason to live .. no reason to die

but i breathe death
its my penance

i ve been in love with it since childhood
dream n worship death
to attain the peace of death
which gr8 ppl fool u by callin salvation

wanna go bak to who i was .. wanna b the dreamer
but i don want to dream
or work hard towards it or even give a thought to this
i ve given up already theres no turnin bak but don wanna give up
i kno m good for nothin
but havent i known myself for so many yrs ??

is that wat u call lost?
i wanna b found bak to life but trust me
i love this place called lost
cos i don have to leave it to go anywhere
but yea i ve to carry the name called loser!
but wen ur lost .. who cares wat they call u????????

its home! its comfortable! its soothin!
but if m really in love with pain .. y do i hate to live with it?

i don understand it at all
.........................or have i understood it too much?

i cant write for nuts .. u FOoooooooools!! ... y don u get a real job???

Who r u kiddin??????????????????????????????????????????????????

Get outa life alive

It was never there it ll never b
u ll never b dead u were never alive
it was not wat u thought it wud b
cos u never wanted it to b wat it had to b
its not wat it seems its not how ur supp to feel
u think ur rite u think ur rong
the truth is ur wat ur made to believe ur
the world u trust is jus ur imagination
the air u breathe is the perfect illusion
cos it keeps u dreamin of somethin that ll never b there
u keep missin somethin that never existed
well its ok cos it ll never b too late
time is abstract space is a mirage life is but a fantasy
dreamers dream forever as mere mortals they survive
hallucinate delude urself get outa life alive
wake up from ur eternal sleep open ur true eyes n c
it was never meant to b, it was never there n it ll never b !!

Save the last dance for me

Chasin the moon i lost my shadow
as the sun is settin i c him movin away
its too late its too dark
wat was i doin tryin to fite the moon's ray
But girl now m ready to let go
do u hear ma heart singin so
I give u the best part of me
the only thing i ever had
my lost soul my dormant hope
he s too fragile too naive
handle with care love him tender
n wen i wake up gimme more of that pill
get over ma fever, m too sick of being ill
Look out then cos the hunters bak
stronger than ever, rite on track
there s a new day a fresh sunrise
but not a tear in my eyes
n i said stay strong young lady
as u watch me take home ma baby
n if u ever wonder i set him free
I kno he'd save the last dance for me