If this aint love, then what is???

I havent been feeling very well lately. Seems like am growing another heart inside of me, the doc says. 

The making of my very own sweetheart, my very own piece of art.
Two hearts inside one body, literally. If this aint love, then what is?

I dreamt of a beautiful sugarcake yesterday. So pretty and charming, havent seen anything as lovable and cute in this lifetime. I felt in my heart what you call 'pure joy'... like an atheist who just felt the presence of God and had a revelation, like a person who was fearing death all their life just kept their first step in heaven.... yes there was smoke all over.. there was tears of rainlets... yes m too dramatic.. and loving it... it was like the softest flower.. it felt like a cotton ball.. it was like surreal..that it almost felt like a dream... it smelt like baking butter and it was lying next to me in my bed closer than my own eyes... all mine...that i almost wondered if i deserve it....as typically i would... (he/she has been replaced with 'it' for political reasons :P) 

And in a couple of days I will hear the beating of the little heart inside of me, just thinking of which the pace of mine is racing already. I hope i can hear it clearly, amidst the loud noise my heartbeats would be making. I hope i can record it in my mind forever and play it back whenever i feel low ever again.....

There was always something missing in my life ... y'all probably heard it million times.. my ever-so-sad stories.. i have always missed the romance how much ever abundance i get it in .. greed, ppl have for money.. i have for love.. the more i have the more i want... call it a hollywood romm-comm overdose i definitely have had more than a fair share of my u-don-make-me-feel-like-the-most-beautiful-woman-u-met-so-i-don-feel-special fights... n still won get enough.. but now.. i already feel it .. probably already confident that this stage in life that am entering into is going to be my best.. and most complete .. as there is nothin missin in it already... its filled with love and passion n finally i myself feel am getting more than enough.. i guess this sugarcake inside is my lucky charm.. n has already taught me a lesson about love. No its definitely not what i was missing all these days.. it is actually wat i was missing to note all these days... as much as i wud hate to accept it...

...this lil baking butter has the best dad in the world no doubt about it, so the mom now has tough competition to keep up to!!

Bring it on baby!

Will never be ALONE again!

Of sunshines and early mornings

Of late night movies and long musical drives

Of love unspoken but still understood

Of hearts that beat as one, well it’s more than just two

And is born inside of me already that which will never leave until I do

And made changes in me already that which no one until could

And now I know how it feels to be beautiful inside

And now I know how vital this thing -

this thing I never cared for - called life!

and she will remain ONLY as a reflection in the mirror...

La belle Dame Sans Merci.... i miss her... she used to be a part of me, she still is, quite literally, tatooed strategically so i can see her only thro a mirror....

but otherwise... swarna is born... this feb 22nd 2009 i realised the ME in me and have accepted myself to be swarna... the person i never knew i am but the only person i can be... i have let my spirit free and let it be what it has to....a person who always thought she should be loved for what she is and never wanted to lose her identiy just realised she din actually have an identity until she din mold it for her loved ones, the ppl she lives with, that is her real identity! and so am loving this change within and outside me! it wasnt surprising that i was least excited bout my bday this yr since i was still baskin in the glory on my wedding... in fact i still am.. m so high up there that it seems impossible for me to get down to my dark world, however hurt however sad however let down neglected or disappointed i feel... i still m up there, RITE THERE... the effect seems impossible to fade away. YES! i attained the summit, the highest emotional point in my life last month... or mayb i will go higher wen i hold my baby... ahh no mayb not.. cos i already am a mother and that gives me more satisfaction n happiness in life than anything else... and i think a woman is a woman only wen she knows she's a mother, not wen she actually becomes one, i ve felt a mother in me even wen i was 10, i ve felt it with my kids during college days and now i can feel it completely, so am i a complete woman today?

ahhh! i forgot the intro :D... i was supposed to write on something.. but this time there was no specific thing i wanted to write on, i was waiting for the last 40 days to think of a nice title and a hard hitting post about the wedding, feelings and values and the blah blah since i wanted the post after my wedding to be a super hit! but looks like i will not come up with any s*** and i was dying to write (don rem when i wrote last!) that i actually dreamt of blogging yday nite. One thing is that readers mite decide that i ve stopped blogging for good and another is that i mite forget how to write a blog. So today morn i woke and as soon as i logged into the internet, i decided to open blogger without second thoughts on what to write, how to write, etc. i kno there was lot of pressure as to how my post-wedding post will be and that definitely contributed to my not-writing-so-long, since i din want it to sound like i-am-the-only-person-married-on-earth or i-feel-married-and-so...hmm yea i feel married kinds :P (i really don feel like we r a just-married couple even for single moment!) but either way wud've been rong since i was tooooooo high and tooo low at the same time and i wudnt have been satisfied writing my emotions, as i was lost about how i am feeling. i think the highest degree of happiness is damn depressing, duh! thats so sansmerci, aint it?

The real reason tho is that i ve been travelin non-stop and din have any time to sit online, except for uploading pictures... wedding pics took a month :D and the trips (we r in the process of takin out moms around north, so mostly temples it is! :P) are half way uploaded and some more to be done (oh btw, we r off to varanasi and gaya tonite!)... and for the number of honeymoon pics we have, i think will take a year to uplaod, tho am completely jobless (meaning, m without a job), i cant find a single min to sit idle and write crap and bug u all which i used to do easily almost everyday wen i was working! so now i kno what real work is, its not sittin in front of a comp and pretend to be typin (writing) something, its managing a house that is the most difficult and most enjoyable and active job in the world and it takes a lot of energy, both emotional and physical, makin one feel actually USEFUL!

So comin bak to the topic, i decided to jus write today, without any apprehensions as to what to write and how it will sound or even without thinkin of a topic or message (posts without any message usually gets good response :D) i am a pro at non-sequential posts and so its better to start with a comfy post rite? (m jus amazed as to how m jumping topics like a train, i mean unlike a train... err...i jus m typin non-stop and gonna post this, readin it is ur prob!) and yea most ppl will jus b damn happy to c write a happy post m sure...

How does a fish feel in an aquarium? m a piscean, he's aquarian, that explains y he's 'home' to me! Yea the fish definitely suffocates in an aquarium after being in the wide sea for years, but she slowly learns to c the beauty of the place, the pains taken to make this new home a HOME to me and the comfort i have here than the salty sea, yea the sea is still freedom, the aquarium feels dependant but its special, its mine, its made specially for me with all the care and love! There are so many things m learning tho, which will b too long to post here, but i can put in a summary and say i am learning to live... and everyday is a lesson where m surprising myself beyond belief by accepting everything with a smile as life comes, to forget disappoints and hurts overnite or even over-a-second, to deal with sarcasm, discrimination, unfairness, being neglected, arrogance or indifference (these are things i used to fear more than anything in the world) like am watchin a movie (yea whoever said u need to sit under a bodhi tree to learn to look at the world objectively, u jus need to get married once :P), to not just give without taking, but to find happiness in it, to take inequality as love and to take neglect as responsibility... n most of all tht m not a kid nemore n i will not be taken care of that way :) NO! that i am not learning deliberately :D tho i am being reminded this strongly at every instance and change, i rebel! y not? i can b a mother and a kid at the same time, i think a good mother shud b a kid at heart to kno her kid well! No i will not get everything i desire anymore, its hard but i am tryin hard to let go of my ever-giving mother (like a kangaroo!) and be HER to others! In fact m so happy now that i jus m excited bout everything including the fact that being overexcited about anything is a grave mistake and i will only disappointed in the end, m sure u all kno wat i mean.. atleast the women who are married!

i ve never prayed or thanked anyone for the happiness in my life (if there was ever) but i jus wish i had someone to thank for this period in life, the one i enjoyed the most purely from within, even if i had been depressed all thro life, i think this ONE high tide in my life is more than enough to cherish forever! Someone once asked me if Brat did so much to me that m this hyper! I wudnt say YES or NO to that question, since its not just him, but it wud've been nothin without him. But yea its the whole thing, a new life, lifestyle, people, events, responsibilities, a home of my OWN!, a wedding that made me feel like a queen (even if i did it to myself, it still worked!)... yea i brought it from within, this happiness, this splendour, i wudnt owe it to anyone else but ME! I achieved it.... i finally found happiness in a place i never thought it is and in things i thought will hurt me and my ego...and found myself in the process... n Hell No i am not giving it up for anyone or anything, however hard u try to hurt me and turn me around to sans-merci....

Although she will definitely remain as a memory, as a reflection on the mirror, so i can rem that i was once this person... that i will never be again... and who am i today? i thought i will be Swarna Barath but NO i was wrong... the identity i can think of myself now... is of a Mother... and a mother can never be sans merci, can she? its virtually impossible!

So yea, if u think Swarna is married and she has changed, NO! she is a mother and she is just being one :) she is being everything she has to be and not what she wants to be, without regrets!

YAY! i wrote sucha big post with NOTHIN at all!!!!!
i can beat Seinfeld, can i? :D

The day I lived a million times

So many thoughts flowing through my head I dono where to start and where to end this post...so forgive me if u find me more non-sequential then ever … well its jus me… as u kno…But m tryin to type this post on MS Word and paste on blogger so I can be more understandable.. haha now I kno the tuff times u all go thro.. Ms Word is spittin errors on me for every word! Some copywriter eh :P on my blog.. its simply freestyle!!!

ok! I am supposed to write about d-day! I am not outa topic actually, freestyle wedding it all started to be so ... then there were so many obstacles, so many disappointments, so many compromises, so many surprises,…. In the end…all’s well that end’s well rite! And this purification process is not just of my writing or my words it is of my heart, my body and my soul… I am in a process of taking all the dirt away, quite literally grooming at the salon and quite metaphorically within myself.. chasing away negativities…i don want to be sansmerci anymore.. i was never.. it was always my wannabe character and m happy won need to be nemore... so yes i am tryin to make myself pure and simple and blank for the day… the pure white dress a bride wears mite not b so in our weddings.. but it’s so in my heart…a new born with a lot to learn...

Where is all the nervousness, all the fear, all the anxiety I had over the last few months? Its not to b seen, m numb m blank.. I already feel married…

I woke up today and touched my skin, its clear, spotless…plain, well groomed… all-set to carry the bride thro a million glances on the day…i make sure not even a nail scratches my nose or a mosquito bites my hand.. but I can only hope it stays so forever… I hope my heart stays this pure forever….so does our love!

They say wen we tie the ‘notorious’ thali we become god and goddess ourselves for the moment …I never believed in the concept of thali… I always thought I wud never ever wear it in my life… the influence of Indian movies… the over stressed importance worked reverse on me.. its jus so that my religion 'love' doesn’t believe in material commitments and with or without the thali as against whats represented as our ‘culture’ thro media.. I wud love him and be his wife no matter wat… thts the reason I am already swarbrat everywhere tho some people wonder and even sent congrats messages assuming the wedding must b over! yes i choose to use his name with mine.. u mite wonder what happened to the rebellious gal who wudnt want to lose her identity.. this i do outa sheer love.. to kno m gonna be a new person henceforth with a new name.. and him a part of me.. all mine... i can feel the butterflies everytime i sign his name with mine...in fact itis not thati use myname more than my nickname.. tis onlynow that i have no apprehensions in using it.. i ve found myself and the confidence to show myself i cud say...

and yet again i surprise myself … cos in my memory .. in my mind… in my thoughts.. tht lil thali has got on my neck a million times!.. the moment which i thought meant nothin..the moment wen everything stops.. including my heart…m sure i wud love to jump and hug him tight..shut my eyes close and forget everyone around for the next infinite hours… but no I cant do that! Man! Do they even have a ‘u may kiss the bride’ in our tradition!!! I jus need a ‘u may hug the groom’ from the priest…

Every morn wen i open my eyes...its blisssss...m so not a morning person.. but these days are so different..m on cloud nine.. one more day has gone past...i imagine wakin up on 22^nd.. I imagine how it wud feel on the day.. I imagine myself in my pink sari dressed with all the bridal blahblah … they do have a bridal make up trial.. yes but once! But I have it all over and over again everyday … over and over again … a trial in my head… the way i shud smile...the way I wud walk.. I have no freakin grace and I only am more clumsy in a sari! I wud make the worst bride in history of our country.. runnin around in the sari… doin all the arrangements myself.. no delicate darling don-touch-my-manicured-nails-mite-break bride I can afford to me… I cudnt afford to even take rest for the last few days… I don think i'll get my beauty sleep.. I don think I ll be all calm and peaceful the day.. I kno i 've arranged everything to perfection and it shud work.. But still …. U know….i jus cnt sit for a min without the tension.. i feel guilty to watch tv for a few mins..really i jus cant relax!

But in my dreams.. yes I am… I am those fairy tale brides.. with all smokes and all around my legs :P and a few bridesmaids (I don even kno if i have ONE!) around me… and then ... and then...there is this feelin that am gonna sleep off! Seriously m not kiddin I woke up at 12 noon yesterday… can u believe I shud be dressed up by 7 in the morn on sunday! so I shud b getting up at 4 which means i sleep for 30 mins assuming that I sleep at my regular 3 or 3 30 am timing!i don rem wen i slept peacefully in the last couplea months.. eveerytime is shivarathri.. ironically my weddin reception falls on shivarathri itself! m sure i ll sleep like a log that day!

And then soon the day will be over… the day i waited for since I was 10 years old…i relished cherished and almost gave up will never come... and then it jus came and it ll go in a moment.. and we will be jus another married couple... all the drama all the importance.. all the show and care like we are the only people gettin married will fade out...i am not the centre of the stage anymore.. i kno i shud enjoy it wen i have it...the last 5 months went in a fraction of a second… I have totally lost track of time… a minute lasts for gazillion yrs and days last for seconds.. if u know wat I mean…

3 days and 5 hours.. I will be married.. I will be adopted into a new family.. a new mother.. a new brother… a new life.. I will be a new person…new home.. I will be born again that moment as a wife, a daughter, a sister, a more responsible and more matured person who has to lead a home of her own!

And no no high hopes! am not gonna leave alone even then...u will of course see me write all over again …

Mrs. Swarna Barath

The blogger formerly known as Sansmerci

PS: i lost my blogroll list in this change...please leave a comment, so i can add u on my blogroll again!

The Art of Feeling Loved

i dono wat to write on d-day as everyone asks for, but i cud start by my usual abstract ways..wrting bout something i ve learnt over these 25 yrs in my life....about love...

when does one decide to get hitched? how do u take the decision of living with someone all ur life, changing urself for them, accepting every disappointment, struggling through every obstacle that comes ur way and be strong that its 'this person' that will be committed too and wil never be tempted to choose anyone else... thats wen u decide to legally become someones husband/wife, the amount of confidence it takes on the other person is not simple... so much of insecuity, so much of apprehension, so much of fear of the unknown future... what breaks it allmakes the heart happy and long so deepyly for the day i ll be all his.. is the love...m sure u all wud agree.. if not for love.. flowers would've remained mere parts of a plant's anatomy...

what is this love that makes the world spin around and reproduce and changes the by-default selfish nature of human into a 'giving' nature? is it the attraction/crush i felt towards the 13 yr old boy wen i was in 8th std, and i thought i will be married to him one day after probably 20 yrs :P or the lengths i went thro wen i was 17 to make sure my family accepts my affair with my 'boyfriend' at school and get me married by the time i finish my UG! or probably run away with him wen m 18 and never turn bak...and yea live happily ever after like a movie couple!

Now i was 20 and i realised its time to move on...and i knew that family comes first and there's no better love than their's. I found a nice person at heart, who let me be myself, learn, grow up, no strings attached, no forceful commitments and posseiveness, no kiddish fites as with the teenage love... i felt myself grow in the relationship, made me see the world as a better place and more to life than all this... 'love' found yet another meaning in my life... but mayb i grew too much outa it...there are some people like a ladder in life u will never forget ur gratitude towards them and he's one of it, but i still din get enuff love i think ... mayb i am insatiable... and i had to fly... far away to learn life by myself.. independant of family and friends...

and there was another learning.. another life i had to learn.. the hard way.. and another love.. much stronger... much longer and much more important than anything i had in life... so is this love? the one i wud give anything for? i wud go thro anything for, I wud give my life for... i am 22, am i ready to commit to one person? how do i decide? u think u wud want to live with a person u love? hell no! i cud love a million people, once i decide on my life partner i cud love him to death, and thats how arranged marriages work rite? love is inside you and u decide who to shower it on....

so YES! the fact remains that u decide to live all ur life with someone with whom u FEEL loved! and it doesnt come so easily... its very easy to show love, to express it, to give, its too damn difficult to take, to find and to feel loved unless the person is someone who showers it everyday dramatically... and if u think its an energy that comes from the outside, i don think so, to feel loved is an art in itself, to feel wanted, to feel important, to feel special to someone, it takes so much strength within to know that ur worthy of this person's love esp. this person who u think is worth ur love. its once in a million yrs that these two coincide and thats wen u see the rainbows and butterflies in colors u havent seen since u were 13 and had ur different versions of love...

i, being a cynic, being a person with very low self esteem with high self-confidence, is the worst in this art, i cud be called a child's scribble at sketchin in feelin loved and watever u do, i will still feel unworthy of ur love...and then i decided to get hitched to the long term love of my life, only cos i love him and not cos i felt loved... i ran away from him who i was running to...n then i learnt my mistake...what was missin from my heart...i learnt it...yes i did wen i was 25, and learnt it religiously in the last one yr.. to know what love actually is, to know how to absorb it from everyday actions, to know thatur being loved and wanted... to ignore the fights, to ignore moments of anger, to ignore broken promises, to ignore being ignored.. and to c the whole picture... to see beyond material everyday happenings... to feel loved and cherished.. it comes from me.. its from within that it needs to start... its my decision to feel loved or unloved by someone...very simply taken from the decision he has made to love me forever....

...and then i found HIM, its been the same him for all the while but its a HIM in my heart now and it'll remain on the throne forever... cos i feel loved.. i KNOW he loves me come what may, expressed or implied... cos 'I' know it.. and i have learnt to know it....the art of feeling loved is the toughest to learn ever...and once u do... ur ready to start a life, a family, be THE mother to the entire family and give love unconditionally!

I AM READY!

Join the Celebration of Our Love...

What else could be my first post for this special year?

Here it is!

Would love to see my blogging buddies on D day! But for obvious reasons i cant put up the venue in here (esp after the kind of attention this post attracts! :P). So if you are in Chennai and genuinely interested in seeing me in that bridal wear and hog on some yummy wedding dinner, pls take this as my personal invitation and i shall send u the venue by email, but do send me a pic of urs with that email u send, so i don look blank wen i need to introduce u to Brat :D!

PS: Keepin this post short after learning a lesson from the previous...

PS-2: Now i know y i cudnt write poetry for almost a year, looks like i saved it all for my wedding invite! Comments welcome on that pls :)

Design courtesy Anand

The Chennai Foodie!

Yelloooooooooooo all!

Two reasons to rejoice now..

Finally i woke up to the fact that i can actually write reviews worth publishing on a separate blog of its own.. initially as a means of saving all my work.. now m workin on building it as another blog useful to readers :) so obv my first notice is to my fella bloggers here who has made this blog come alive.. i mean really alive!

So here it is
chennaifoodreviews.blogspot.com

I will be writing reviews on places in chennai thats related to food and drink, could be anywhere from le royal meridien to thattu kada.. so all u foodies out there plz buzz me (in here) to add to my blogroll ... i wud love to make more friends there...

i am placing a widget in my blog's side bar so u ll kno my latest posts there.. as u all kno this is kinda my passion.. both writing and food..n i hope its a success :)

So welcome to my blog on chennai restaurant reviews, anytime u plz..do pass on the word too! i have two posts there already. .. looking fwd to ur comments...



BUT most of all, when am celebrating the birth of my second baby :) my 2 yr old here has won a million dollar cheque from Tessie! That's double celebration now aint it? Thanks a million Tessieeeeeeee, u made my day .. actually u made the whole week for me.. y else will i get motivated to start a new blog! In fact, thanks all of u for encouraging me so much...



Yay! I jus realised i ve reached more than 15000 hits ... reason 3!!!!

Brilliant Blog... it is! or is it??

anoobhooti awarded me with this prestigious award 'Brilliant Weblog 2008'! As much as you kno how much i love being appreciated :D .. u shud kno how thrilled i am to receive this.. well yea this is the first ever award for my blog.. n i can almost feel accepted in the blogging community already :) i hope to get much more recognition and fame .. n receive more awards.. n yea i better cut the crap b4 you all decide to boycott my blog for good.

SHUT UP!

thanks a lot renu.. i never thought this day will come in my life :P
But on a serious note, i am so honored to be recalled as 'a modern educated girl with Indian values' .. well if thats the impression my blog has been giving to my readers.. well she sure does deserve this award! (for portraying me in to something likable after all :D)

So here it is


and here are the rules:

• When you receive the prize you must write a post showing it,together with the name of who has given it to you, and link them back
• Choose a minimum of 7 blogs (or even more) that you find brilliant in their content or design
• Show their names and links and leave them a comment informing they were prized with ‘Brilliant Weblog'
• Show a picture of those who awarded you and those you give the prize(optional).
• And pass it on!

ok here are my 7 people: (man! does it feel good to give than take :D)

Inexplicably: FIRST READ! i jus jump with excitement wen i c that blog blinking with a new post on my blogroll, call me a sucker for kids, but every word she writes bout her kid melts me.. almost literally.. n the thing is . it does everytime.. its her WORDS and of course her love!

niya's world: ABSOLUTE entertainment, can u imagine a blog being updated every few minutes? I can be sure of reading a NEW post on my favourite subject (ofcourse food, restaurants and shopping) everytime i feel bored at work, i jus need to click on her blog. Yes, my blog design has tips from urs.. lota stolen widgets too :D

anoobhooti: MUST READ everyday ..a new topic.. a new thought.. my blogging buddy who i can be sure to see on my blog everyday :) motivation it is by itself, she knows how to appreciate.. she makes blogging feel like family, bringing people together.

Psychedelic: MISS YA..since she started writing on sulekha she is not doing justice to blogspot.. missing ur awesome poems and crazy style in writing ...this is to make u write again and bring glory to blogspot babe.. blog on!

Pettai maami: NAMMA MAAMI! feels nice to read a blog from a sixty something chennai bred.. mami!... wow! how good does it feel to hear her talk ..calls herself a consultant for confused tambrahms.. GREAT style of writing.. unique and feels home to read her language.. chennai it is! Chop chop!you game for nuts?

WisTfuLLy YoUrS!!!: WOWIFIED wen i first saw this blog of my friend from college.. never knew she cud write THIS good.. used to be my regular read.. plz come bak to blogosphere.. PLEASEEEEE! Been long since i had a good read from a next-gen women, little short of watching sex and the city... you got ATTITUDE babe!

Oodles of Doodles.........: NEW KID (atleast on my blogroll) block.. i wud die to paint/sketch like her .. a very different blog on my list.. which speaks through visuals than lengthy conversations.. i love artistics... for the simple reason that i can never be them :( ..i cant even write a legible sentence for god's sake.. hmm so yea... always geta crush on em instantly .. ahem.. no! i really dono her yet :)

alrite m done with 7 i guess.. there are so many more blogs i read regularly everyday (chek my blogroll).. m so sorry i have to stop with 7 :(.. anyway being on my blogroll is an honor in itself aint it :P... anyways fella awardees .. u'all owe me a treat for this 'favor' ;) ... Party Time!

Forgive me spiderman, for i think otherwise!

It’s 2 years since I started this blog with today. No, I aint even gonna use an exclamation mark to that sentence cos life has taught me quite strongly this time to not get excited bout special days.. still somewhere at the corner of my stupid heart, there is a question called ‘WHY NOT?’!
But yea, no balloons, no cakes, no celebration, so wat now, there will b another yr and another anniversary, hey but there is a need for appreciation rite? After all wen even ppl cant be together for long, anything that lasts any longer deserves respect, so does this humble blog of mine, started as undefinedoxymoron.blogspot.com taken over by sansmerci.in. It’s always been there with me taking all the shit I dumped on it through my bad times and thro my happy times, taking into its identity everything that is me, and stand by it for that sake alone, I mean wat better friend/partner can u get?

Last ‘blogiversary’ as I named it had thanks to so many ppl of which some have loyally stuck with me tho the transformation of the blog has taken place obviously from a personal diary to other not-so-interesting posts. Maybe I just grew up in the process or got insecure that too much trashing mite make me lose this last friend of mine too. But sure thanks to vj, blind and B (who doesnt have a choice tho) .. n ofcourse everyone else on my blogroll and viceversa..who come on n off ..and helped me reach this number of hits!

So why this title? U always ask cos it never makes sense just like my head. The thought on my head being ‘with gr8 power comes gr8 responsibility’, came this title! Let's say, this blog being my power to create n tell the world (if I can go one step further n say) and change the world if I really make an effort to .. comes my responsibility to stay moral on it esp. not to preach anything I don practice or believe in. so I have used this medium to my best, to express my thoughts but with utmost care to keep an open mind n always end it with a but, if and ‘so i think'.

So is every creator, they have a power and the responsibility, I rem quoting spiderman in my university exam in a journalism paper and me quoting it being quoted in a PR class the next sem as a matter to be appreciated. (god knows how much I feared critisism wen I wrote it!) oh n talking of god.. and creators.. I see them synonymous.. ie creators being god (ofcourse I wud never say vice versa :P). A mother being given the power to create … has the highest responsibility in the world making the human offspring ‘a person’ and wen I say a person, I mean ‘a person!’ that’s a ‘God’s’ responsibility she has. Maybe, the only thing ‘ur’ god did good to mankind is, its impossible for a living being to not have a mother, n tiny-bit reason that cud probably wanna make me give a thought if there’s really such a well-wishing person to human kind making sure we get it all, a mother - if u want it or not, will b YOURS!

But most of us creators (in one way or other), experience the reverse of this, where life sucks with a lot of responsibility and no shit called power! For instance, our creative team has the responsibility to create advertisements that play with the minds of the customers and work on them. But what happens at most times is the team aims at satisfying the client servicing, who in turn works for the client's satisfaction who in turn works for his managers' satisfaction, who in turn looks for the CEO/MD's satisfaction. Responsibility of the creative to satisfy the ultimate customer takes the back seat since the team doesn’t have the direct decision-making power , even if they know the customer inside-out. So gr8 responsibility definitely calls for gr8 power, if its there, anything is possible, u jus need to take ur stand and stand by it! You can change the world, if ur responsibility gets the power! Maybe i think like a media person, that was my example, but m sure u have urs.

So yea ….oh shut up! So much for 2 years of blogging! u had to listen to all this random unrelated insequential thoughts of mine … but hey I rest my power n responsibility with this blog.. cos its me who delegates both to myself in here! Woo Hoo!!!! I run a place of my own n I did so for 2 whole f****** yearsssssssssssss… oh no I forgot! No overexcitement … maintain low profile…. Ahem :)!

PS: If ur wonderin y my first post is on AUG 6th '06 n m celebrating on Aug 5th every year, its the time difference. The first post actually came online at 6pm on Aug 5th '06 from Memphis, TN (from my work place). This post comes at 4 45pm on Aug 5th '08 from Chennai, TN (ofcourse from my workplace)!!

Hoping my blog and 'I' see next anniversary from who-knows-where, Yappy reading!!!

My Experiments with ...

Okay! Since a lot of people have been asking me to write bout the MAGIC diet that I followed.. here it goes... sorry to disappoint u guys its called the GM diet and u can jus browse Google to know a lot bout it … but here i write bout my experience with it!

Rules I did not follow –
Do not even attempt to smell anything other than what is given on the diet for each day, if you really wanna lose weight and are dedicated to it.
Learn to cook the wonder soup, search for GM wonder soup anywhere u can have it anytime how much ever you want (don use any ready made soup they contain lotsa sugar n starch)
NO MILK except on day four Get over coffee at work or shift to black coffee (or just pretend that u din read this line!)
Go easy on salt and no sugar intake
NO FRUIT JUICES except day 7! Abstain from all alcohol…
Drink 10 glasses of water for sure and 1/3rd more on Day 5!

I would like to confess that I did not follow even one of this except the alcohol part of course (teetotaler alrite!) I did have coffee (milk and sugar) everyday, fruit juice by mistake one or two times and I really din make an effort to cook the soup, and duh! I couldn’t eat my veggies without salt for heavens sake! And my answer to point one is yea I was partly dedicated, I did take a bite or two now and then to cheat my tongue from depression. Trust me it works, take a bite of ur favourite food and chew it longer cheatin urself like ur eatin lots, all ur tongue needs is the taste, quantity doesn’t matter.

Ok so this is a 7-day diet, I am not gonna describe it cos its all over the internet.

Day ONE – All fruits except bananas.

‘Melon’choly day – Toughest day, makes u wnana give up so badly but trust me push thro this, and its gonan b too good from day 2!

Breakfast: watermelon pieces
One litre of aquafina (say between 11 to 2)
Lunch: lunch box full of water melon
One litre of aquafina (say between 3 to 6)
Dinner: Watermelon pieces and one apple

(Try to eat just water melon, it helps lose more weight ...don b an ass like me)

Day TWO – All vegetables starting with a large baked potato for breakfast.

POtaTOE! – a diet that lets u have potato wow! tho its jus bland baked potato with a lil butter n maybe pepper on it, u die for this after a day long of just melons!

Breakfast: Boiled/Micowaved potato no butter (cheated with a lil salad dressing, com’n I din do use butter!)
One litre of aquafina (say between 11 to 2)
Lunch: salad at subway – lotsa crunchy lettuce, cucumber, onion, tomato, fat-free sweet onion dressing ( not supposed to but its irresistible) btw try it out its the sexiest i ve had in chennai!
One litre of aquafina (say between 3 to 6)
Dinner: home cooked boiled cabbage one big bowl and some chopped cucumber.

(Potato is yumm even if it has no seasoning! Veggies with water content reduce weight soon like cabbage, snake gourd, ash gourd and beetroot.)

Day Three – Fruits and vegetables

Oh-yea-m-on-a-diet day!

Breakfast: very few pieces of apple and some green grapes
One litre of aquafina (say between 11 to 2)
Lunch: salad at pizza hut – lil smaller bowl lettuce, pineapples, cucumber, etc.
One litre of aquafina (say between 3 to 6)
Dinner: cooked beetroot (cheated with a spoon of curd) and grapes

(Veggies are tastier than fruits and healthier too. Just go easy on oil/salt.)

Day Four – Eight bananas and drink three glasses of milk

Go Ba’na’na’s!

Breakfast: 1 banana and my usual large cup of coffee (not cheating cos milk is allowed today!)
One litre of aquafina (say between 11 to 2)
Lunch: 2 bananas and a frappe at CCD [:D]
uff no water!
Dinner: two bananas around 6’clock and 1 small cup milk at 9 o’ clock

(You don’t need to finish all the 8 bananas eat as much as u can. But the body naturally craves for banana n nothing else today. Get non-fat milk, try not to add sugar or sugar substitute.)

Day Five – 10 oz. portions of lean beef (lean protein) and whole tomatoes

Supposed to be the FEAST day! Naaaaaaaaa

Breakfast: hard boiled egg (din remove yolk since m a sucker for it!)
Lemon juice with salt
Lunch: tomato rasam with very few spoons of rice and lotsa extra tomato pieces
Forgot the water (supposed to drink 1/3 extra today!)
Dinner: sprouts with tomato and 2 big glasses of tomato juice (unstrained) with salt

(Tomatoes reduce weight like nothing else! Eat tomato morn day n nite and c the difference. I am planning to go on a complete tomato diet! Make sure to get the water requirement for this day. Vegetarians can substitute the beef for egg whites (strictly no yolk, spoils the whole purpose), sprouts/tofu is the best option! You are allowed to make a sandwich out of any of these ingredients today.)

Day Six – Unlimited Beef (lean protein) and vegetables

Egggggggggggggs

Breakfast: hard boiled egg (its better to have sprouts!)
One litre of aquafina (say between 11 to 2)
Lunch: egg white omelet
Forgot the water!
Dinner: cooked cabbage bowel!

(Felt lighter when I woke up, thanks to yesterday's tomatoes. Go for water veggies and sprouts today)

Day Seven – Brown rice, fruit juices and all the vegetables

Now this is my feast day!

Breakfast: skipped!
The new amsutra slice ;) (What the hell I can have fruit juice today rite! .. ok! who am I kiddin?)
Lunch: boiled rice with cauliflower
Forgot the water!
Dinner: cucumber slices and apple juice (unstrained and no sugar)

(DO not drink packed fruit juice, have fresh ones unstrained and no sugar, I found out they actually taste good! Brown rice is thar rice in India, well m not really sure lemme kno if anyone knows, else there is always chapathi as a substitute.)

You can repeat the diet as many times u want but take a minimum 3 day break in between! This is 'not' like other FAD diets letting u starve thro the day, you can fill urself with the food recommended for the day as much as u want, in fact if u ever get hungry then ur not following the diet properly!

Wake up on Day 8 and ur pants will seem bigger! buy a belt for safety, trust me i experienced it!

Now this will sound funny to u after reading all this! I did not lose any weight after I did this diet! But I ve lost inches and I feel lighter and able to dress like I used to! Mayb its a healthy way to get in shape and a great mood lift! But one thing to remember is that 'don hog after the diet is over'.. its too easy to get the weight bak in maybe just a couple of days! Keep exercising as much as u can and plz be grateful to friends veggie fruits lean protien and water (esp. melon and tomato?) and keep eating lotsa them in ur every day diet!

HAPPY HAPPY NEW YEAR 2008!

Finally the year comes to an end and I already feel like my miseries are ending with the year ending. I have never taken any resolution in all these years. I am reaching a quarter century and have probably already lived 1/3rd of my life and can’t think bout anything good that I have done to myself or the people around me or for anyone in the world at all. So I am thinking of taking a resolution this year. Not one but many! Probably for all these years I have wasted wasting myself in a wasted world of my own.

Come to think of it, the best year in my life was 2004! 2005 was good enough, no complains. But yea 2006 was getting to my head and 2007 finally made me into a nothing n I was about to lose myself or rather I did and have come back to life again now, thanks to the most understanding doc in the world and the most loving mom in the world who are still by my side. Now my first resolution is to keep their faith on me and give them success by becoming a happy person as I was in 2004. I guess I’ve to make a lotta changes to become myself again. 2004! Wow it was a dream life. If I find a time machine I would go back and stop it rite there and definitely would have never made any of the mistakes I did or regretted later.

So I was analyzing what was so special about this year that makes me so happy when I think of it. Yes I was in the best college with an awesome set of friends, partying all the time, learning mass communication (supposed to be what I wanted to learn from childhood but dint learn anything tho), staying in Sathyam cinema and watching 3 movies a day, really kewl lectures from whom I’ve learnt a lot (ahem), working towards my MS and what not! I can keep on listing them. No I cant get back or do any of this cos I am not 21 anymore. So I decide to look deeper into everything and take the essence of it.

First and foremost, I was being loved. I believe that’s the only thing that keeps me going or anyone for that matter. I was in a perfect relationship with someone perfect, which might never happen again in my life. Nevermind! And then I fell in love! Truly madly deeply crazily in love with someone who loved me the same way back. I had the most romantic days of my life though virtually it was true! I wrote a lot, poetry, scripts, magazine articles, copies for campaigns, simply put as college projects which meant the world to me. I could write and I was appreciated. There was a bunch of people who thought I wrote well. There were a couple of friends who considered me a nice person in spite of all my negatives. I felt good about myself outwardly and inwardly. Took care of my appearance and felt good looking. I was motivated to look forward to something by working towards GRE and applying abroad. I was achieving something, going somewhere, had a future. And YES my kids! The one PR campaign that showed me who I am, the love within me and what made me happy and how one could find happiness and love so easily instead of searching for it everywhere.

So here comes 2008! Another leap year after 2004. I am gonna take a bigger leap this time. I will believe in love once again. I will be a happy person; I will bring happiness to people around me. I wont get into my lonely dark world and cry out for love. I will fall in LOVE once again with all faith and belief and make it the perfect relationship I was looking for instead of searching for the right one who loves me, I will find my career in writing with confidence by writing positive, thinking creative and most of all have a good self image, I will take care of my health and body to feel good looking again eat right work out :P, listen to the one person who loves me unconditionally keep her happy by being happy and a good gal yes am trying to become a teetotaler (really really com’on!) and am sure I’ll achieve it soon, work towards a future if not studying abroad something else to look forward to as a happy future, travel the world or atleast DREAM and plan for it and work for it, follow what life has taught me and last but not the least, visit my kids often love them more find more kids and bring more happiness to myself!

YES! I will DREAM! I will LOVE! No force inside or outside me can stop it again and if it does m gonna throw it outa me or outa my life! Strong stronger strongest is my path now! I am sure I’ll be on my blog in 2009 Jan! Lets c if I keep up all this then I’ll b a better person definitely in love (probably married) :D with lotsa kids where ever I go. Guess I just found my time machine as I was typing my heart out… bye bye I gotta catch it soon….

Hurray! Undefinedoxymoron.blogspot.com will be on
www.sansmerci.in from 2008!

BLOGIVERSARY

Confession! i really don like my title!This is my 50Th POST and wanted it to be special. i never think b4 i write as u all kno very well u've been readin all the crap on my head for the last one year!!!!!!! YES it is a coincidence this happens to be the day i started my blog last year AUG 5th 2006! Well first person i can think of is 'the Skeleton crew' if not for u man! i never knew wat a blog is or how to build it tech guru thanks not only for helpin me ... but motivatin me to write again to be myself again wen i almost thought i wud never!

Miss. BLIND whole lota thanks and LOVE to u babe without ur encouragement and words that said 'its ur blog u write wat u want' and ur 'fuk u better write more' attitude wen i gave up in between thinkin i cant write for nuts... ur the best sweet heart muah! VJ ....u ve been here all along from day1! to comment motivate and probably max hits on my blog is from u! esp givin honest comments and not just fake 'yea its great' for everything... u told me directly wen was actin dumb u told me wen i wrote good... my perfect critic! Luci-fer! or s8ntO (however u spell it) loves to lol at my most depressin blogs ..well but he makes sure he comments! and makes the topic feel lighter... thats really a great effort! thanks man! plz continue! don mind my impulsive frustrated replies.. n they don mean a thing! always liked ur comments! keep m comin!

Mr,B ! avatar da t a, wat can i say! on and off stormy we r .. but one thing we kno is this blog will bring us bak .. i ll b sure to c ur comment everyday! sometimes anonymous sometimes in diff avtars... hey u ve become a great writer i seriously think u shud start a blog! Sriram...asshole... always mocks me .. but was great inspiration (tho negative) for me to write about things i ve never sat n thought about .. well now as hes been a nice guy for sometime ..my stupid best friend... asked me to earn thro ad sense! well yea take the whole share not a penny i got yet! thanks da machan .. i kno i always take it down on u ... just that ur too close to say thanks ... feels odd! n hey rem its called POST not BLOG ok?

My frost friends esp Rums babe and mr.AA tho came in late in my blog's life have encouraged me lots to write esp AA, come on hes the biggest fan i ve ever had, can make me feel like a queen wen m in depth of hell!Appreciate it man! ;) but all my frost friends my baby sneha always told me not to lose hope and that m a gr8 writer! nice but dono if its really true tho.. Pointblack, very recent, but everyday visitor.. plz keep commentin babe ur an awesome writer i need ur reviews! Ravi? Where r u? used to comment a lot! not findin u anywhere.. u got an active blog was an inspiration to me wen i first started!

oh yea how can i forget all the anonymous people who jus come in once in a while and write and vanish without a name! that reminds me of orkut! (now u kno i actually don miss it! dont ya?) helped me get a lota hits and comments not anymore tho but a very good start...well orkut is a crazy world... and my orkut mates Prasanna and Arun where are u these days! start commentin again .. cant lose it just cos m not on orkut nemore! and last but not least.... BUSY PEOPLE who don have time to chek my blog and dono to fill in their name wen they post a comment (or don have time/interest to read and write on my blog)... thanks a lot .. 'your BLOG is a KIller' is a line that will stay on my mind till my last breath! PS: I hate the title still.. i used it dumb f***!

Now if i left anyone out forgive me ... i ve never thought so much b4 i wrote something and i wanted this to be a short post hehe! ok i am gonna finish! i really wanna thank my BLOG for helpin me get over so many things, relationships, open my mind, let out frustrations, show all my anxiety insecurity, trash it, bash it, screw it, fuk it, keep me occupied wen m empty and bored, open up without feelin guilty or afraid of being judged... it took everything for a year, helped me free my mind, atleast a little. A friend i can lean on anytime! Rems me i can write after all (although with a lots of errors!) and made me take up my lost career from scratch again! ....... Long live SANSMERCI!

THIS IS MY 50TH POST 365TH DAY AND I VE REACHED 5000 HITS and hows my renovation? i ve worked on it for the last 3 days learnin html from google with noone else's help! Can you believe it? Hope u can c the black blue green comby! an animated splash hit counter showin hits till now and hits on the specific day, a google searh box with an option to search my blog to find posts if you wanna kno my idea about somethin! Added some quotes here and there and made it look shud i say 'less depressin?' for a change! I still have a feeling i forgot to write about something! hmm ॥ hmm .. Hows my pic? n completed profile ;) Hey how bout ading polls? any suggestions?

Lets c ! Hope i live to c 2nd yr anniversary and be able to write till then but guys.............

Sansmerci will live on forever... cos she never actually existed!

MUST WRITE COMMENTS!

Ahem?

best Bday of my life

no words to describe . i was on top of the world .. felt the entire world wished me on my bday this time .. felt like a celeb .. thanks to orkut for bringing so many ppl into (and back into?) my life .. but more than that i shud say thanks to my new friends at office .. somehow i feel the word 'new' din fit in here! Mayb this is wat i always wanted .. wat more can i ask for .. a writing job, damn cool boss, friendly team ...n most of all my FRIENDS at work who made me feel 'afterall lifes worth living' atleast for a day .. trust me..knowin me .. thts a very tough job to bring me to tht state of mind (by the time i post this blog i kno i ll bak to my boring depressed self).. it was a real awesome surprise ... love u all muahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Raindrops n Seashore ....

Coincidences don make me believe 

Cos I belive in coincidences

But U made me believe 

A cynic love , an atheist pray.

If  I could change, then anyone may!

I have nothin to do, without u

Its easy to see, I've flown miles away from 'me'!!

Where was I before u came?

Was I alive? Was I the same?

Young or old? Warm or cold?

Rich or poor? I'm not really sure!

Music doesn’t move my soul

My home doesn't comfort

Food doesn’t make me crave 

And sleep doesn't soothe me anymore!!

I keep fallin' in n outta love

As ur smile blooms n fades

Stop playin’ those games with me 

Cos I melt like snow when u shine on me

Are u my soul mate I d been searchin’ for

Or are u jus another coincidence ....

Do I need to see u to know who ur 

Cos I already breathe u every min of every hour 

Do I need to hold u to know ur warm

Cos I already found shelter in ur invisible arm 

Do I need to tell u the words

Cos I know u know that I know that u know

This Insatiable love I got for u

Don even try to satisfy me 

Cos I aint getin nuff 

And its really gonna b tuff

Love lust and desire playing on my mood

Why are these waves, raindrops and breeze actin so rude

Though jus thinkin of u makes me warm

My lonly heart aint getin calm

If its my love for u that makes me long

Lemme know with that beautiful song!!

Swarna

September 2004

Peace

How exactly does this work? I don understand really.. I jus write something here.. ppl read it.. n then what .. But then m totally jobless and bored that I decided to write again today... m in a kinda ecstatic state since the time I got over the ‘down in the dumps’ state I was in till yesterday… jus so typically me…

Guess wat .. I got my first Tattoo .. I m as excited as I ve never been in my life about nething. Though there r million things I can whine about today , one lil tattoo made my day rather made my year I should say. Looks pretty doesn’t it? Ventured into piercing too, but not too excited bout it, at least it’s more painful than tattooing. I m sitting at work with no work to do, trying to write some crap in here. How bout I dream of my next tattoo. I m thinking of getting one in my hand or shoulder, (something with a cross heart and skeleton on it) or m thinking of a ‘where is the love?’ tattoo. There r lotsa them here http://www.tattoo.com/ select a nice one for me n get urself one for sure.. trust me it def brightens ur mood. Lemme finish this blog in my own style... the way I feel today … best expressed in the language of poetry.

Wat am amazing day took ma pains away!

Some fear it some deny some say let it go unspoken

Look at me m rite here singing its praise

U made me write again brought back the inspiration

C my future in ur palms let it go m not afraid nemore

Am dreamin away like I have to, was screamin away like a psycho

My diary says nuff u depressed bitch get outa here

I neva gave a fuck all I used to say was ‘man life sucks!’

Yes m ready now ready to let go ready to take life as my mate

Some laufed at it some said gosh get a life n stop blamin fate

Wat am doin here wat m I supposed to? awrite I give up…

Or so u think .. but here s ma day the day I told u wud come

Here she came like a bird outa cage n took me to her little nest

Am a poet livin in my past glory denied my rite to complete the story

But amona sing again n let my new mate search for the rest ….

STAND BY ME

Since this is my first blog ..n I have no clue wat m doin or supposed to do here .. m gonna post something i wrote long back but still fresh in my memory.. something I love and wrote with a kinda inspiration i ve never had before.. This is a msg written for a PR campaign ... but truly a msg from my heart ....

AIDS does not spread by touching or hugging, but fortunately love does!

Hang on! This is not just another awareness program for AIDS. It is rather a treatment for an illness which most of us have, ‘the stigma’! ‘Where there is love, there is life’ said Mahatma Gandhi. We, who have the elixir of life, in abundance within us, are not aware enough to know that each of us could make a difference in someone’s life. Now that sounds like something! Of course all of us know that love is a contagious disease but it’s up to us to take the first step and make it an epidemic. But where do I keep the first step? What do I do? How can I make a difference? Well, even we didn’t have a clue, until sometime back. But now… we know we have achieved something we will be proud of and remember forever and here we are to share the happiness with u, show you how big a thing a person like you and me can do. As you look back upon your life, you will realize that the moments you have truly lived are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love.

Who are we talking about? What do they need? We are talking about a few blessed cute little angels whose innocent smile can melt hard rocks. These kids who are affected or infected by the HIV and are shun by the society (Yes, that’s you and me again!) just for that single shallow reason for no fault of their’s. There are even kids who are HIV negative being ignored because they were born for parents who had AIDS. The only abnormality is the one within us, which is the incapacity to love. These naïve sweethearts don’t long for money or things or any of the stuff that you have already started thinking about. Mother Teresa rightly said ‘If you judge people, you have no time to love them’.

Yes! They just need your love, affection, care, recognition in the society and most of all treat them alike and with neither contempt nor sympathy. All of us are educated and claim to be sophisticated; do we need awareness about the disease any further? May be we do, but we know so much to know that it does not spread through casual contact. Then why are these children denied of school admission? Why are they denied of friendship? Why are they denied the normal life you and me live?

What can I do about this? You can, because all along we have been talking about you and me! We have made a small difference in a few such children’s life; rather these tender souls from various homes in the city made us happy and made a day in our life unforgettable. We have been gifted with contentment and are in a state of bliss right from then. So there is a selfish thought behind everyman’s deeds huh? Who cares! In the end the world becomes a better place to live in, for everyone. The ultimate joy in life is the belief that we are loved. Love fills gaps, builds bridges and makes all of us a single family. We found the way and will pursue it henceforth. Now if you are still wondering how to do this? We will show you how! But are you ready to open the doors? Let them in …

Now that you know, just your presence can make a difference in someone’s life, take the small step, make your presence felt and make someone’s day brighter. We are all born for love. So are they!! It is the theory of existence. ‘To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead’. You are rich with love, share it, and trust us, you will get it back multiplied infinite times. After all, all that the children ask for is ‘Show me love, treat me right, and let me into your world…. Stand by me!!’

My first love are my kids ... so is this piece of poetry i tried writing ...

Stand By Me
Its my uphill climb
And my song turns blue
But when u held my hand
U took me right up there
But still u don have a clue
Now even my loneliness is heaven
In darkness I see light,
My eyes still blind in spite,
I put my hands up to push up the sky,
But I keep falling down, donno why.
One thing that makes me wonder,
How it feels so good down under,
As if touched by a fairy’s wand,
I feel like ‘Alice in Wonderland’!
Seeing pairs of creatures singing
Lullaby to each other,
My emptiness feels heavier than ever.
While I keep singing the melancholy of my life,
Holding the hands of my invisible mate,
Dancing to the tunes of fate,
Eating the sands of this tainted earth,
Walking in the path of thorns from birth,
Tears of rain playing in my fingertips,
The depth of its pain, kissing deeply on my lips.
Laughing along with the thundering roars of hatred,

“Yes am the child of destiny,
Wedded to woe, still ….
Hoping to be the mother of joy …
Would you STAND BY ME?”