If looks cud kill....then i must b writing this from hell...

Is it virtually possible to send out hate vibes to people? i have never hated anyone in my life ... i have had angers .. i have hated peoples specific characteristics.. i ve shouted and threatened to kill ppl too in moments of anger... i dislike some ppl at first site.. i dislike some ppl even b4 i meet them .. i ve been jealous.. i ve envied...i ve spited...i ve cursed...but i have never hated anyone in this last 26 years per se, i cant think of one person ...neither can i think of anyone who has hated me so much... again there are ppl who think m arrogant, m stupid, m selfish, m heartless, m an asshole... etc etc.. but jus plainly hate me for who i am? mayb someone does and i never knew it but it has never bothered me as much.. cos noone has ever meant that much to me in life to be affected by their vibes over me ... i am preacher of love and giving and wud foolishly give even if u keep on takin.. no m not proud of it .. i let ppl walk all over me cos of it .. it is my disease!

But NOW i feel hated... i feel hate vibes all around me.. don get me wrong.. its not bout family or friends they are all very supportive and infact takin all the shit i am givin them ...but there is hate and evil vibes all around me and i can feel it haunting me .. eating me alive...like a death machine...giving me brain shivers....am i paranoid...or am i really being hated so much? have u ever felt it? is it true? a vibe that can kill u .. looks that can give u a nervous breakdown...

Torn apart.....

Here's another short post that follows the very long one....

I need help choosin between two options again, its a life decision and i hope u'all can help..before i put forward THE Question! lemme add a lil more gyan on the topic so it doesnt become incomprehensible like last time...

But to express... i've lost the flair to write poetry... i thought its cos my dark days are over... and i cant write for nuts wen m happy or sober... not that i ve been really happy.. but yes i ve been too sober... but hey think m getting bak there.. so for starters lets let papa roach and linkin park sing for me ....

The current tracks playing on the playlist o' ma head is...

I'm tired of being what you want me to be,
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
i Don't know what you are expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
Every step that I take is another mistake to you

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware,
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

and....

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I left my heart open
But you didn't understand....

when papa roach wrote this song,they wudnt have even imagined that its so for me and it will have the honor to appear on my blog... :)

Now help me ...

Tell me whats more painful ....

A bad liver?

or

A broken heart?

For ppl who cant form ur words (jus like i cant)... i've got a poll on the side, choose the option that you would rather stay with..

PS: Sorry this was supposed to be a short post rite? ... duh! i've become so eloquent :P

Nobody invited you to read ...

He’s gotta girlfriend
She has got a kid
She got married
He is engaged
He got a busy job
She got her own family
He got other patients
She went to study
He went abroad
He found his career
She found a rich guy
He got a wife
He … she … can’t think of more
And if even SHE is preoccupied
Where do I go?

Why am I getting bak to my dark world? For no reason? I dono but its just too lonely here … this time am sure somebody will save me b4 I sink in it. Somebody talk to me plz am going crazy here all alone .. how does it feel living with urself the whole day? Do u have an idea? How does it feel to carry so much within u and walk alone ……

What did I actually wanna write on? My mind is so restless am not able to get a hold of it and put down words here. Its flying out in every direction possible

NO I aint surrendering
You cant have me back my love …
You know I cant resist you
but is that all u care
After all you hurt me
what makes you think
I would get back to u for help
Yes I slipped but never again
I would rather lose my head
I would rather die restless
I would rather spend sleepless nites
But I don need to sleep with u
U can seduce u can overdose…
For all u care, I cud b no more in the morn …

Oh it feels so nice after I got that shit outa my head! Feels good to have written that, I know makes no sense to u! If you think its bout my x boyfriend…Get to know me soon!

Anyway, wud like to add to this psychic post I actually wanted to post on Bulimia and Anorexia, if you are wondering what it is, it’s the new battle am fighting against…

Beyond the Beyond - As my diary reads on 21/05/07

love is all around spread it show it share it socialise party humanity LIFE give take love care beautiful everybody loves u ur in the limelite nobody cares but a few good friends u think nobody caresnobody really careseverybody actually give up n stop carin u don care bout urself nemore u stop carin for others u hurt urself hurt everyone around hostility indifference loneliness dark ugly addiction death beyond a point nobody cares n wen u give up but wat u dono is theres a point beyond where life gives up on un u start really carin for urself m scared i care bout me myself .. for the first time in my life not cos theres noone else to .. cos i killed myself .. i gota save myself .. is it too late to love myself? i cnt belive i care for myself ...I CANT !!mayb its the stage beyond the beyond where i got no option but to save msyelf .. or kill myself .. after all m selfish too .. m beyond the beyond stage .. heheheeeeeeeeeeeeeecnt u c ur mailin it to urself n readin it urself u dumb crazy bych

That's a bad suicide note aint it? Atleast for a writer ... well better luck to me next time on both the suicide and the note hehe .. neways m not Kurt Cobain write a sexy note even at that point but that line will always be my anthem - Its better to Burn out than to Fade away!

PS: am sure u din understd nehtin outa it! i did a lil tho wen i was sane .. neways i din edit a word so it remains in its original form u c :) gosh my life was so eventful! boring now!

Wanna know how long u gonna live?

Read some crap on relationships and harmony and watever if ur bored, it will sound good to u if ur depressed, well written, if u need some 'hope' to carry on.. if ur 'hopeless' like me just jump down to the last part it is super fun!

http://www.peterussell.com/WUIT/Relationships.php

http://www.peterussell.com/SP/QReln.php

http://www.peterussell.com/LGN/JustLGo.php

Here it comes! enter your answers honestly and you ll know ur real age (health age now) and how many more yrs ur gonna live if u continue ur lifestyle the same way.. only thing u can do is (i.e. for ppl who wanna live)to decrease ur real health age as much as possible by changin ur habits and hence increasing the number of yrs ur gonna live possibly..

Here's the link! it actually seems very true to me cos they measure it on the rite terms not some crap quiz u find often on the internet at least i believe so...

http://www.peterrussell.dreamhosters.com/Odds/RealAge.php

Even if you are least interested in knowing how long ur gonna live ...at least to get an insight into ur present lifestyle and habits and where ur goin wrong i think u shud take this and sincerely write ur real health age and number of yrs ur gonna live more ...in my comments page! DEAL - I WILL WRITE MINE FINALLY UR SURE TO GET A SHOCK!

rEbOrN 2 lIvE tHiS dEatH aGaiN?

Watch this space........ till i get some words in my half baked empty head to put down here .... from my broken rotten so-called heart

I kno sounds like some kids' rhymes!

You ask me to stay and u run away
You ask me to smile and u slap my face
You want me to wait while u fool around
You need me to lean but am never heard
Came running for you and u leave my hand
While I die here alone you have a ball
Am rotting in my grave with nothing else to lose
Sick and tired, I cant breathe I fall
Heart broken death though my dreams were few
You blame me today cos I gave up on you!

(Dedicated to all the guys IN my life .... how often do i have to remind myself i am not a bloody DOORMAT!)

about:blank

i dono wat to write about but my head is so empt n idle i need to do somethin b4 i run outa here like a mad bych. i wud rather be takin rest at home which is equally sick!

how can i run outa everywhere how can i reach nowhere where do i find what i want wen i dono wat it is, i look at the traffic n i wonder where is everybody goin, where do i belong what the heck is wrong with me .. m hurt from head to toe ... havent i had nuff yet? somebody get me outa this ... m sittin here countin minutes .. i ve been doi this for last 1 yr.. nothin has changed except place and time... so its just me where ever i am .. doesnt matter ... i don wanna stop writing this post cos i dono wat to do next.. but i kno slowly i ll get rid of this too.. or it ll get rid of me ... i think its begining to already aint it? ... i have to count 200 min b4 i get home n start counting again ...

i ve lost everything/everyone in my life i realize it slowly, no it hits me hard only now... m gettin blanker n blanker.. m useless and empty.. maybe i shud start believing in next birth n just give up. somebody push the button.. thats all it needs! (Fullstop)

Like u give a @@@@

Felt like puttin these things up tday after all its my diary rite?
some writen by me some r not ... guess u can make out the diff urself!

Yes I am born everyday cos i die everynite!

My brain is a heartless bast*** and my heart is a brainless idiot

How will you know I am hurting if you can't see my pain?
To wear it on my body tells what words cannot explain.

The opposite of love is not hate; its indifference

Death aint nothin but a heartbeat away
its better to burn out than to fade away

I am not completely useless
i can be used as a bad example!

If life had an indicator, mine wud always b beepin left;
never gone de rite side, keep hangin on to wat is left!

Wen u c de world thro a pair of shades,
everything looks cool,
detachment is all it takes!

http://everything2.com/index.pl?node_id=1148436

http://www.script-o-rama.com/movie_scripts/g/girl-interrupted-script-transcript-jolie.html

http://www.lyrics007.com/Pink%20Lyrics/Just%20Like%20A%20Pill%20Lyrics.html

I don need no SUGAR PILLS!!

Break my head cut into pieces burn it into ashes I don care
Its running somewhere let it go I wanna run outa my head
Give me a way give me a song give me something to live on
Cry with me all u happy people I detest ur smile makes me hate u
The hate with in kills me mercy-kill me someone plz
Am dyin in danger dyin in fear of life dyin for something
I cant find I cant understand I cant go on nemore
Break my head I cant stand it its not me nemore
I cant write I cant sing I cant dance what am I here for
I cant breathe I cant smile I cant see people around
Break my fukin head now its fukin me too hard in the rong fukin hole!

No I cant write a happy song I think u shud stop chekin my blog!
My happy pills aint working! U gave me a fukin placebo [:(]

NOW gimme my HAPPY pills u LOSER!!

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Flirtin death

Who says a thing of beauty is a joy forever
every love rose turns faded ugly faster
who says nothin lasts forever
change is permanent pain is eternal
twas much fun wen i was flirtin death
as per norm now as he returns the favor
my handsome prince hits me stronger
fuks me harder, smiles n sweet talks me
does it taste sweet wen u kiss my poison
or u long 4 a way to undo this lust u had 4 me ...

how it feels to b half dead half alive
possessed by him on one side obssessed to live on the other
everythin that is left is his
my heart my hand n everything on the other side of me
mayb i shud fite 4 my rite
mayb i shud show the other cheek
mayb i shud let him rule take me over
as i lie here cherishing the days of beauty
regreting the thoughts of forever
breathin heavy wanting to let go
wen i jus had one last breath to decide ..
i long to survive ..
with jus another heart beat to spare
i plead on my bed with death
y did u let me die you shudve just killed me ....

Who broke my penance of death ???

i dont understand this person here!!

i don want to c anyone
i wanna b alone ... want everyone to leave me alone
but i feel chronically depressed n lonely

i don wanna talk to anyone
i despise company
i hate everyone ... ppl jus irritate me invariably
but i long for someone to listen to me
to cry to.. to lean on

i wanna b loved
but whoever shows me love
i avoid them
neglect them
ignore them
run away from them
but i feel
i feel unwanted
unloved .. unworthy of it .. alone n desperate

i wanna stay depressed
i enjoy that feelin so much
i never wanna get over it
but m not able to take the pain
m not able to handle it

wanna put an end to it
but still i don wanna b happy
feel guilty to b happy
its not home to b happy
i hate that feelin
i don feel like myself
i am a negative person n m proud of it

i don wanna b average ..
i wanna b unique n not part of the herd
but m jealous of ppl with normal life so happy n secured
ah ! i wud hang myself instead of being mediocre
but still how i wish .. my life was so simple!
y am i incapable of being normal y does it turn me off

i wanna end it
i cant even imagine how much more longer life is
how borin!
ppl ask me not to think of future n jus live for the day
so i completely stopped dreaming but now
its so tiring to think of living each day for so many more yrs
but i cant end it i don wanna end it
i have nothin to carry on for cos i have no dreams
nothin to look fwd to
no reason to live .. no reason to die

but i breathe death
its my penance

i ve been in love with it since childhood
dream n worship death
to attain the peace of death
which gr8 ppl fool u by callin salvation

wanna go bak to who i was .. wanna b the dreamer
but i don want to dream
or work hard towards it or even give a thought to this
i ve given up already theres no turnin bak but don wanna give up
i kno m good for nothin
but havent i known myself for so many yrs ??

is that wat u call lost?
i wanna b found bak to life but trust me
i love this place called lost
cos i don have to leave it to go anywhere
but yea i ve to carry the name called loser!
but wen ur lost .. who cares wat they call u????????

its home! its comfortable! its soothin!
but if m really in love with pain .. y do i hate to live with it?

i don understand it at all
.........................or have i understood it too much?

Get outa life alive

It was never there it ll never b
u ll never b dead u were never alive
it was not wat u thought it wud b
cos u never wanted it to b wat it had to b
its not wat it seems its not how ur supp to feel
u think ur rite u think ur rong
the truth is ur wat ur made to believe ur
the world u trust is jus ur imagination
the air u breathe is the perfect illusion
cos it keeps u dreamin of somethin that ll never b there
u keep missin somethin that never existed
well its ok cos it ll never b too late
time is abstract space is a mirage life is but a fantasy
dreamers dream forever as mere mortals they survive
hallucinate delude urself get outa life alive
wake up from ur eternal sleep open ur true eyes n c
it was never meant to b, it was never there n it ll never b !!

Frozen chilli

Its been beatin itself hard

Beatin so hard till it bleeds

The oozing blood’s running all over my body

Cant u c its been hurtin me so bad

Beatin n bleedin all over me

U say its gotto b that way

No its diff honey u don understand

Ur alive n dono how it feels otherwise

How funny its still beating n I feel it so well

Wen I cant find ma tongue to talk or ma hands to eat

My skin so numb n cold outside

Like my fake smile and faint eyes

But there’s a flurry inside that’s hot n burning

Am that frozen chilli ur mama asked u not to bite

Cut it if u don trust me, get a lil taste of the hell inside

Now u kno the scars u saw, r jus means not ends in itself

Look at me now can’t u c its jus a hemorrhage within

Cant pretend wen there s a bloody war in there

With peace tattooed on my skin, like I even care

Make it stop pounding n I ll stop gasping hopelessly

I keep telling her its aching, she aint gonna listen

My stupid heart keeps beatin n bleedin….

Swarna
September 2006

I don believe in 'Life After Death'

Well… I don really know what to write bout .. sorry for the long silence.. due to public demand m writing again today ;)… I have been blank for the past few days not so alive not so dead .. jus blank. Usually m either too depressed or too elated, somehow the emotion part has been missing… thats one reason I had nothin to say. After using the internet for years, finally this blogging has made me open up, think, introspect, found me an imaginary friend to listen to my inner voice. What I have been doin lately? well jus tryin to figure out who I am n what's happening inside me. Funny, I have thought bout it many times, but right now I get completely different answers or have I become a completely new person. Is it possible to b dead and reborn emotionally? Can ur values change so much that u can become a different person all of a sudden? What if I don like this person I am becoming? I happened to watch the movie Girl interrupted again this week, tho am watchin it for the nth time, it made a lota sense to me this time. I cud relate to Susanna Kayson...(for all of u who havent seen the movie, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Girl_Interrupted or http://www.script-o-rama.com/movie_scripts/g/girl-interrupted-script-transcript-jolie.html). It is based on a book, which is based on real life experience of the writer, the real Susanna Kayson. She is nothin but a confused young gal who doesn’t know wat to do with her life, she is everythin which is usually existing in a subtle way in almost everyone of us. I did some research on this mental condition that she has, called BPD – borderline personality disorder. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_Personality_Disorder. Wikipedia says ‘Psychiatrists and some other mental health professionals describe borderline personality disorder as a serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in mood, interpersonal relationships, self-image, identity, and behavior.’ Every word in this I can relate to, well anyone can relate to, jus the extent to which its affectin u that matters.I found this homepage of a borderline person http://www.myborderlinelife.co.uk/index.html, which is very funny and interesting. I can rem interesting scenes from the movie too, like wen she s asked what she plans to do n she says, ‘ I plan to write’, ppl look at her like she has no goals..no career.. n then wen they tell her ‘woman today have more oppurtunity than we did’, the way she snaps back sayin, ‘no they don’t!!’ means so much more than the words….

Quoting wikipedia again, ‘A commonly used mnemonic to remember the features of the borderline personality disorder is PRAISE: - P - Paranoid ideas, R - Relationship instability, A - Angry outbursts, affective instability, abandonment fears, I - Impulsive behaviour, identity disturbance, S - Suicidal behaviour, E – Emptiness’. Well I wish it was a different kinda praise, the kind u wud wanna receive from ppl u trust and love, which cud motivate u nuff to realise ur worth living a life, wen ur self esteem is at the lowest. Mayb ur not appreciated nuff for wat ur, mayb its jus cos u start feelin uncared for or not worthy of love. Mayb cos u don listen to urself anymore or don trust urself nemore. The stuff I read made me think about substance abuse. I feel it only worsens their plight. More dependancy, more trouble. But it is definitely a temporary way outa the world, to stay away from someone u hate the most wen it is unfortunately urself. I cant personally comment on this one http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Substance_abuse. But jus a passing thought, I sometimes think to myself n smile about this, alcoholics r such selfless ppl, they can hurt themselves so much. Sometimes I feel teetotalers r so worried about their self that they can never really fall in love with another person for real. Jus kiddin!! Ok I lost sequence..anyways lemme close this with a song I wrote few days back, read on n c if it makes sense….

Am burning in hell but inside myself

The hell that I am, no wonder m burning myself

Am burning with desire m burning with envy

Burning with guilt burning with anger

Cant stop this fire in me .. set ablaze

Burning me hungry n eatin me up

Am burning yes m burning

All over from ma head to toe

Am burning to kill m burning to die

When m burning within my soul gives out a cry

So m burning her up b4 my ashes dry

I wanna burn my ashes and throw them aside

Throw them someplace so they can burn in hell

Stop the voices in my head n gut their yell

After all the heat m still alive, alive n burning

Taking the sting of each flare, still yearning

Yes m obsessed …No m possessed n m sure I deserve it

I deserve to quench this thirst in me

The thirst to burn myself up

Up until I put out every flame inside of me.