The Art of Feeling Loved

i dono wat to write on d-day as everyone asks for, but i cud start by my usual abstract ways..wrting bout something i ve learnt over these 25 yrs in my life....about love...

when does one decide to get hitched? how do u take the decision of living with someone all ur life, changing urself for them, accepting every disappointment, struggling through every obstacle that comes ur way and be strong that its 'this person' that will be committed too and wil never be tempted to choose anyone else... thats wen u decide to legally become someones husband/wife, the amount of confidence it takes on the other person is not simple... so much of insecuity, so much of apprehension, so much of fear of the unknown future... what breaks it allmakes the heart happy and long so deepyly for the day i ll be all his.. is the love...m sure u all wud agree.. if not for love.. flowers would've remained mere parts of a plant's anatomy...

what is this love that makes the world spin around and reproduce and changes the by-default selfish nature of human into a 'giving' nature? is it the attraction/crush i felt towards the 13 yr old boy wen i was in 8th std, and i thought i will be married to him one day after probably 20 yrs :P or the lengths i went thro wen i was 17 to make sure my family accepts my affair with my 'boyfriend' at school and get me married by the time i finish my UG! or probably run away with him wen m 18 and never turn bak...and yea live happily ever after like a movie couple!

Now i was 20 and i realised its time to move on...and i knew that family comes first and there's no better love than their's. I found a nice person at heart, who let me be myself, learn, grow up, no strings attached, no forceful commitments and posseiveness, no kiddish fites as with the teenage love... i felt myself grow in the relationship, made me see the world as a better place and more to life than all this... 'love' found yet another meaning in my life... but mayb i grew too much outa it...there are some people like a ladder in life u will never forget ur gratitude towards them and he's one of it, but i still din get enuff love i think ... mayb i am insatiable... and i had to fly... far away to learn life by myself.. independant of family and friends...

and there was another learning.. another life i had to learn.. the hard way.. and another love.. much stronger... much longer and much more important than anything i had in life... so is this love? the one i wud give anything for? i wud go thro anything for, I wud give my life for... i am 22, am i ready to commit to one person? how do i decide? u think u wud want to live with a person u love? hell no! i cud love a million people, once i decide on my life partner i cud love him to death, and thats how arranged marriages work rite? love is inside you and u decide who to shower it on....

so YES! the fact remains that u decide to live all ur life with someone with whom u FEEL loved! and it doesnt come so easily... its very easy to show love, to express it, to give, its too damn difficult to take, to find and to feel loved unless the person is someone who showers it everyday dramatically... and if u think its an energy that comes from the outside, i don think so, to feel loved is an art in itself, to feel wanted, to feel important, to feel special to someone, it takes so much strength within to know that ur worthy of this person's love esp. this person who u think is worth ur love. its once in a million yrs that these two coincide and thats wen u see the rainbows and butterflies in colors u havent seen since u were 13 and had ur different versions of love...

i, being a cynic, being a person with very low self esteem with high self-confidence, is the worst in this art, i cud be called a child's scribble at sketchin in feelin loved and watever u do, i will still feel unworthy of ur love...and then i decided to get hitched to the long term love of my life, only cos i love him and not cos i felt loved... i ran away from him who i was running to...n then i learnt my mistake...what was missin from my heart...i learnt it...yes i did wen i was 25, and learnt it religiously in the last one yr.. to know what love actually is, to know how to absorb it from everyday actions, to know thatur being loved and wanted... to ignore the fights, to ignore moments of anger, to ignore broken promises, to ignore being ignored.. and to c the whole picture... to see beyond material everyday happenings... to feel loved and cherished.. it comes from me.. its from within that it needs to start... its my decision to feel loved or unloved by someone...very simply taken from the decision he has made to love me forever....

...and then i found HIM, its been the same him for all the while but its a HIM in my heart now and it'll remain on the throne forever... cos i feel loved.. i KNOW he loves me come what may, expressed or implied... cos 'I' know it.. and i have learnt to know it....the art of feeling loved is the toughest to learn ever...and once u do... ur ready to start a life, a family, be THE mother to the entire family and give love unconditionally!

I AM READY!