My experiments with love

Warning: The following piece has a million repetitions of the word 'love' in it, buts its not remotely mushy other than the effect this word creates, but if ur still allergic to it, stay away!

Its been 13 yrs, my hide-n-seek with love began
It has made me laugh, cry, crave, die,
But that love - It has made me who i am
Love I heard of, love I been in and out of
Love that b and not to b, love that din let me b me

A love all divine, darling n grossly dedicated
And love absolutely illicit but as true as stated
Love lust desire and want - all around i saw....
But Love unselfish n unconditional leaves me in awe…
And there is a love-let-go-n-move-on love seeming more true!
This love I tell ya - whatever it is - it becomes ‘you’

Love i realised is total old-fashioned shit,
Its boring, dry and overrated…
The Love that made me feel hatred…
but hate then became another way to love
Love so strong that took me to my death bed
and love then saved me from the said…
funny its the same Love that spins me around
same but aint similiar, the stinkin ol’ freakin Love
that makes me feel dumb, when self-love takes over this loser!….

This love for myself that I betrayed until
A Love for the dark n bizarre, i fell
A love to hurt myself, a love to teach myself
In love with loneliness in love with emptiness
In love with love and the idea of falling in it
In love with anything that makes me forget my love

Love! Love! Love! When will u b over and done with me?
I wanna look around and there’s nothing else I can see
Love for money love for the poor,..
Love for crime love for justice
Love for control love for freedom…
Love for the sake, love per se…

Love, i had to write her off my life
Love, that cuts like a knife
Love, my inseparable insatiable wife!

With all the love from deep inside me, I brought strength
With all the love for my life, I lived again
With all the love I had for her, I took her hand for help
With all the love I had for him, I trusted to wait
With all the love, all the love, all the love for love
I fed her own medicine to her.. so Love, ur all I see now,
Blinding every other thought, faith or feelings…
Am love-numb, am love-cuffed, am love-blind
Yes am a proud useless wasted classic love-fool….

Am living Love
Anything else u hear, read or see is just material illusions of u mortals…

My husband is a....

ahh.. well.. err... nothin... hmm now that ur here, lemme tell u, actually this post is here cos:

1. I just love saying 'My husband', what's better than having a post with that title in my blog.
2. I write a mandatory short post after the boring long one.
3. I am so bored, jobless, uninspired, unmotivated, feelin useless, good-for-nothing, pesty, etc. etc., but din wanna write a whiny-whiny post either.
4. I have nothing else to write on (unless u realise i've made good use of point 3 :P) but i don want to leave a long period of silence in here once again.
5. I just assumed that the mystery element in the title will bring in readers :D...............or not...!!!!!!!

and she will remain ONLY as a reflection in the mirror...

La belle Dame Sans Merci.... i miss her... she used to be a part of me, she still is, quite literally, tatooed strategically so i can see her only thro a mirror....

but otherwise... swarna is born... this feb 22nd 2009 i realised the ME in me and have accepted myself to be swarna... the person i never knew i am but the only person i can be... i have let my spirit free and let it be what it has to....a person who always thought she should be loved for what she is and never wanted to lose her identiy just realised she din actually have an identity until she din mold it for her loved ones, the ppl she lives with, that is her real identity! and so am loving this change within and outside me! it wasnt surprising that i was least excited bout my bday this yr since i was still baskin in the glory on my wedding... in fact i still am.. m so high up there that it seems impossible for me to get down to my dark world, however hurt however sad however let down neglected or disappointed i feel... i still m up there, RITE THERE... the effect seems impossible to fade away. YES! i attained the summit, the highest emotional point in my life last month... or mayb i will go higher wen i hold my baby... ahh no mayb not.. cos i already am a mother and that gives me more satisfaction n happiness in life than anything else... and i think a woman is a woman only wen she knows she's a mother, not wen she actually becomes one, i ve felt a mother in me even wen i was 10, i ve felt it with my kids during college days and now i can feel it completely, so am i a complete woman today?

ahhh! i forgot the intro :D... i was supposed to write on something.. but this time there was no specific thing i wanted to write on, i was waiting for the last 40 days to think of a nice title and a hard hitting post about the wedding, feelings and values and the blah blah since i wanted the post after my wedding to be a super hit! but looks like i will not come up with any s*** and i was dying to write (don rem when i wrote last!) that i actually dreamt of blogging yday nite. One thing is that readers mite decide that i ve stopped blogging for good and another is that i mite forget how to write a blog. So today morn i woke and as soon as i logged into the internet, i decided to open blogger without second thoughts on what to write, how to write, etc. i kno there was lot of pressure as to how my post-wedding post will be and that definitely contributed to my not-writing-so-long, since i din want it to sound like i-am-the-only-person-married-on-earth or i-feel-married-and-so...hmm yea i feel married kinds :P (i really don feel like we r a just-married couple even for single moment!) but either way wud've been rong since i was tooooooo high and tooo low at the same time and i wudnt have been satisfied writing my emotions, as i was lost about how i am feeling. i think the highest degree of happiness is damn depressing, duh! thats so sansmerci, aint it?

The real reason tho is that i ve been travelin non-stop and din have any time to sit online, except for uploading pictures... wedding pics took a month :D and the trips (we r in the process of takin out moms around north, so mostly temples it is! :P) are half way uploaded and some more to be done (oh btw, we r off to varanasi and gaya tonite!)... and for the number of honeymoon pics we have, i think will take a year to uplaod, tho am completely jobless (meaning, m without a job), i cant find a single min to sit idle and write crap and bug u all which i used to do easily almost everyday wen i was working! so now i kno what real work is, its not sittin in front of a comp and pretend to be typin (writing) something, its managing a house that is the most difficult and most enjoyable and active job in the world and it takes a lot of energy, both emotional and physical, makin one feel actually USEFUL!

So comin bak to the topic, i decided to jus write today, without any apprehensions as to what to write and how it will sound or even without thinkin of a topic or message (posts without any message usually gets good response :D) i am a pro at non-sequential posts and so its better to start with a comfy post rite? (m jus amazed as to how m jumping topics like a train, i mean unlike a train... err...i jus m typin non-stop and gonna post this, readin it is ur prob!) and yea most ppl will jus b damn happy to c write a happy post m sure...

How does a fish feel in an aquarium? m a piscean, he's aquarian, that explains y he's 'home' to me! Yea the fish definitely suffocates in an aquarium after being in the wide sea for years, but she slowly learns to c the beauty of the place, the pains taken to make this new home a HOME to me and the comfort i have here than the salty sea, yea the sea is still freedom, the aquarium feels dependant but its special, its mine, its made specially for me with all the care and love! There are so many things m learning tho, which will b too long to post here, but i can put in a summary and say i am learning to live... and everyday is a lesson where m surprising myself beyond belief by accepting everything with a smile as life comes, to forget disappoints and hurts overnite or even over-a-second, to deal with sarcasm, discrimination, unfairness, being neglected, arrogance or indifference (these are things i used to fear more than anything in the world) like am watchin a movie (yea whoever said u need to sit under a bodhi tree to learn to look at the world objectively, u jus need to get married once :P), to not just give without taking, but to find happiness in it, to take inequality as love and to take neglect as responsibility... n most of all tht m not a kid nemore n i will not be taken care of that way :) NO! that i am not learning deliberately :D tho i am being reminded this strongly at every instance and change, i rebel! y not? i can b a mother and a kid at the same time, i think a good mother shud b a kid at heart to kno her kid well! No i will not get everything i desire anymore, its hard but i am tryin hard to let go of my ever-giving mother (like a kangaroo!) and be HER to others! In fact m so happy now that i jus m excited bout everything including the fact that being overexcited about anything is a grave mistake and i will only disappointed in the end, m sure u all kno wat i mean.. atleast the women who are married!

i ve never prayed or thanked anyone for the happiness in my life (if there was ever) but i jus wish i had someone to thank for this period in life, the one i enjoyed the most purely from within, even if i had been depressed all thro life, i think this ONE high tide in my life is more than enough to cherish forever! Someone once asked me if Brat did so much to me that m this hyper! I wudnt say YES or NO to that question, since its not just him, but it wud've been nothin without him. But yea its the whole thing, a new life, lifestyle, people, events, responsibilities, a home of my OWN!, a wedding that made me feel like a queen (even if i did it to myself, it still worked!)... yea i brought it from within, this happiness, this splendour, i wudnt owe it to anyone else but ME! I achieved it.... i finally found happiness in a place i never thought it is and in things i thought will hurt me and my ego...and found myself in the process... n Hell No i am not giving it up for anyone or anything, however hard u try to hurt me and turn me around to sans-merci....

Although she will definitely remain as a memory, as a reflection on the mirror, so i can rem that i was once this person... that i will never be again... and who am i today? i thought i will be Swarna Barath but NO i was wrong... the identity i can think of myself now... is of a Mother... and a mother can never be sans merci, can she? its virtually impossible!

So yea, if u think Swarna is married and she has changed, NO! she is a mother and she is just being one :) she is being everything she has to be and not what she wants to be, without regrets!

YAY! i wrote sucha big post with NOTHIN at all!!!!!
i can beat Seinfeld, can i? :D

The day I lived a million times

So many thoughts flowing through my head I dono where to start and where to end this post...so forgive me if u find me more non-sequential then ever … well its jus me… as u kno…But m tryin to type this post on MS Word and paste on blogger so I can be more understandable.. haha now I kno the tuff times u all go thro.. Ms Word is spittin errors on me for every word! Some copywriter eh :P on my blog.. its simply freestyle!!!

ok! I am supposed to write about d-day! I am not outa topic actually, freestyle wedding it all started to be so ... then there were so many obstacles, so many disappointments, so many compromises, so many surprises,…. In the end…all’s well that end’s well rite! And this purification process is not just of my writing or my words it is of my heart, my body and my soul… I am in a process of taking all the dirt away, quite literally grooming at the salon and quite metaphorically within myself.. chasing away negativities…i don want to be sansmerci anymore.. i was never.. it was always my wannabe character and m happy won need to be nemore... so yes i am tryin to make myself pure and simple and blank for the day… the pure white dress a bride wears mite not b so in our weddings.. but it’s so in my heart…a new born with a lot to learn...

Where is all the nervousness, all the fear, all the anxiety I had over the last few months? Its not to b seen, m numb m blank.. I already feel married…

I woke up today and touched my skin, its clear, spotless…plain, well groomed… all-set to carry the bride thro a million glances on the day…i make sure not even a nail scratches my nose or a mosquito bites my hand.. but I can only hope it stays so forever… I hope my heart stays this pure forever….so does our love!

They say wen we tie the ‘notorious’ thali we become god and goddess ourselves for the moment …I never believed in the concept of thali… I always thought I wud never ever wear it in my life… the influence of Indian movies… the over stressed importance worked reverse on me.. its jus so that my religion 'love' doesn’t believe in material commitments and with or without the thali as against whats represented as our ‘culture’ thro media.. I wud love him and be his wife no matter wat… thts the reason I am already swarbrat everywhere tho some people wonder and even sent congrats messages assuming the wedding must b over! yes i choose to use his name with mine.. u mite wonder what happened to the rebellious gal who wudnt want to lose her identity.. this i do outa sheer love.. to kno m gonna be a new person henceforth with a new name.. and him a part of me.. all mine... i can feel the butterflies everytime i sign his name with mine...in fact itis not thati use myname more than my nickname.. tis onlynow that i have no apprehensions in using it.. i ve found myself and the confidence to show myself i cud say...

and yet again i surprise myself … cos in my memory .. in my mind… in my thoughts.. tht lil thali has got on my neck a million times!.. the moment which i thought meant nothin..the moment wen everything stops.. including my heart…m sure i wud love to jump and hug him tight..shut my eyes close and forget everyone around for the next infinite hours… but no I cant do that! Man! Do they even have a ‘u may kiss the bride’ in our tradition!!! I jus need a ‘u may hug the groom’ from the priest…

Every morn wen i open my eyes...its blisssss...m so not a morning person.. but these days are so different..m on cloud nine.. one more day has gone past...i imagine wakin up on 22^nd.. I imagine how it wud feel on the day.. I imagine myself in my pink sari dressed with all the bridal blahblah … they do have a bridal make up trial.. yes but once! But I have it all over and over again everyday … over and over again … a trial in my head… the way i shud smile...the way I wud walk.. I have no freakin grace and I only am more clumsy in a sari! I wud make the worst bride in history of our country.. runnin around in the sari… doin all the arrangements myself.. no delicate darling don-touch-my-manicured-nails-mite-break bride I can afford to me… I cudnt afford to even take rest for the last few days… I don think i'll get my beauty sleep.. I don think I ll be all calm and peaceful the day.. I kno i 've arranged everything to perfection and it shud work.. But still …. U know….i jus cnt sit for a min without the tension.. i feel guilty to watch tv for a few mins..really i jus cant relax!

But in my dreams.. yes I am… I am those fairy tale brides.. with all smokes and all around my legs :P and a few bridesmaids (I don even kno if i have ONE!) around me… and then ... and then...there is this feelin that am gonna sleep off! Seriously m not kiddin I woke up at 12 noon yesterday… can u believe I shud be dressed up by 7 in the morn on sunday! so I shud b getting up at 4 which means i sleep for 30 mins assuming that I sleep at my regular 3 or 3 30 am timing!i don rem wen i slept peacefully in the last couplea months.. eveerytime is shivarathri.. ironically my weddin reception falls on shivarathri itself! m sure i ll sleep like a log that day!

And then soon the day will be over… the day i waited for since I was 10 years old…i relished cherished and almost gave up will never come... and then it jus came and it ll go in a moment.. and we will be jus another married couple... all the drama all the importance.. all the show and care like we are the only people gettin married will fade out...i am not the centre of the stage anymore.. i kno i shud enjoy it wen i have it...the last 5 months went in a fraction of a second… I have totally lost track of time… a minute lasts for gazillion yrs and days last for seconds.. if u know wat I mean…

3 days and 5 hours.. I will be married.. I will be adopted into a new family.. a new mother.. a new brother… a new life.. I will be a new person…new home.. I will be born again that moment as a wife, a daughter, a sister, a more responsible and more matured person who has to lead a home of her own!

And no no high hopes! am not gonna leave alone even then...u will of course see me write all over again …

Mrs. Swarna Barath

The blogger formerly known as Sansmerci

PS: i lost my blogroll list in this change...please leave a comment, so i can add u on my blogroll again!

The Art of Feeling Loved

i dono wat to write on d-day as everyone asks for, but i cud start by my usual abstract ways..wrting bout something i ve learnt over these 25 yrs in my life....about love...

when does one decide to get hitched? how do u take the decision of living with someone all ur life, changing urself for them, accepting every disappointment, struggling through every obstacle that comes ur way and be strong that its 'this person' that will be committed too and wil never be tempted to choose anyone else... thats wen u decide to legally become someones husband/wife, the amount of confidence it takes on the other person is not simple... so much of insecuity, so much of apprehension, so much of fear of the unknown future... what breaks it allmakes the heart happy and long so deepyly for the day i ll be all his.. is the love...m sure u all wud agree.. if not for love.. flowers would've remained mere parts of a plant's anatomy...

what is this love that makes the world spin around and reproduce and changes the by-default selfish nature of human into a 'giving' nature? is it the attraction/crush i felt towards the 13 yr old boy wen i was in 8th std, and i thought i will be married to him one day after probably 20 yrs :P or the lengths i went thro wen i was 17 to make sure my family accepts my affair with my 'boyfriend' at school and get me married by the time i finish my UG! or probably run away with him wen m 18 and never turn bak...and yea live happily ever after like a movie couple!

Now i was 20 and i realised its time to move on...and i knew that family comes first and there's no better love than their's. I found a nice person at heart, who let me be myself, learn, grow up, no strings attached, no forceful commitments and posseiveness, no kiddish fites as with the teenage love... i felt myself grow in the relationship, made me see the world as a better place and more to life than all this... 'love' found yet another meaning in my life... but mayb i grew too much outa it...there are some people like a ladder in life u will never forget ur gratitude towards them and he's one of it, but i still din get enuff love i think ... mayb i am insatiable... and i had to fly... far away to learn life by myself.. independant of family and friends...

and there was another learning.. another life i had to learn.. the hard way.. and another love.. much stronger... much longer and much more important than anything i had in life... so is this love? the one i wud give anything for? i wud go thro anything for, I wud give my life for... i am 22, am i ready to commit to one person? how do i decide? u think u wud want to live with a person u love? hell no! i cud love a million people, once i decide on my life partner i cud love him to death, and thats how arranged marriages work rite? love is inside you and u decide who to shower it on....

so YES! the fact remains that u decide to live all ur life with someone with whom u FEEL loved! and it doesnt come so easily... its very easy to show love, to express it, to give, its too damn difficult to take, to find and to feel loved unless the person is someone who showers it everyday dramatically... and if u think its an energy that comes from the outside, i don think so, to feel loved is an art in itself, to feel wanted, to feel important, to feel special to someone, it takes so much strength within to know that ur worthy of this person's love esp. this person who u think is worth ur love. its once in a million yrs that these two coincide and thats wen u see the rainbows and butterflies in colors u havent seen since u were 13 and had ur different versions of love...

i, being a cynic, being a person with very low self esteem with high self-confidence, is the worst in this art, i cud be called a child's scribble at sketchin in feelin loved and watever u do, i will still feel unworthy of ur love...and then i decided to get hitched to the long term love of my life, only cos i love him and not cos i felt loved... i ran away from him who i was running to...n then i learnt my mistake...what was missin from my heart...i learnt it...yes i did wen i was 25, and learnt it religiously in the last one yr.. to know what love actually is, to know how to absorb it from everyday actions, to know thatur being loved and wanted... to ignore the fights, to ignore moments of anger, to ignore broken promises, to ignore being ignored.. and to c the whole picture... to see beyond material everyday happenings... to feel loved and cherished.. it comes from me.. its from within that it needs to start... its my decision to feel loved or unloved by someone...very simply taken from the decision he has made to love me forever....

...and then i found HIM, its been the same him for all the while but its a HIM in my heart now and it'll remain on the throne forever... cos i feel loved.. i KNOW he loves me come what may, expressed or implied... cos 'I' know it.. and i have learnt to know it....the art of feeling loved is the toughest to learn ever...and once u do... ur ready to start a life, a family, be THE mother to the entire family and give love unconditionally!

I AM READY!

Stop living mine...

i never post one after the other..esp cos ppl take time to come to my blog and COMMENT but this time i felt i need to write bout this thing as soon as possible b4 the burnin fades out in me... or mayb it will never...

my blog is very laid back ... u may not agree...or at least usually doesn't talk bout current affairs be it bout obama or about mumbai attacks wen every single blog in the sphere had a mandatory post ... and now its bout the pub attack in mangalore...no i din wanna write on it either but my comments on other blogs started growing bigger and bigger tht i realized i've so much to say on this and m so angry tht i need to give this some space in my blog..

i am not angry or pissed or even bothered about that ram sena or whatever.. in fact me being an atheist i don give a damn if its ram's sena or Jesus sena or Allah's sena or whose ever ass' sena that are harassing gals in the name of CULTURE! so this is not about me opposing a particular culture or anything as many who i know would read this wud claim jus cos i don believe in religion, i respect everyone's rite to religion... and wud like some respect for individuality and choice of what-i-consider-moral and my culture too.. so the 'u' i refer to in the entire post truly represents MCPs i wud like to shoot if u gimme a gun now and not any group or sect in particular since i am blissly ignorant of politics, this is only bout ppl around me and their attitude...

first of all, i believe culture has to evolve, else we ' ll all still be cave men.. history is meant to be in the meseum and enjoyed on trips...i am very proud of my country its culture etc etc but i live in 2009 and let me live in the present and what i decide to follow from my ancestors due to my love and respect and belief in it is my choice and not urs...u can choose urs, i don bother u ...

i mean who are some desperate i-cant-get-those-independent-gals-so-they-are-sour-grapes men to decide what is moral and what is not? i don quite understand the situation here... what exactly is the prob? that they don get nuff? or they jus cant handle it? and which indian culture allows guys to harrass gals in public... i heard arguments like if the gals are bold nuff to come in public n drink they have to face such things from guys...yea rite! its like the burglar says if u have a house i will loot it its my birth rite its ur mistake to have a house and a life in the first place..jus cos its a burglar';s world and they make the rules!

i really think female infanticides are better off! atleast they kno wat the gal is gonna face ... sheer injustice and unfairness so she can rather be dead and gone than living in a man's world.. i was blind to the fact for 25 hyrs..i thought the world is a better place and there is so much freedom of 'will' for everyone ... but then i was wrong and i was hell rong in thinkin m for men and considered feminists to be hypocrites and dumbos and jobless ppl .. today i declare with pride tht i am feminist and there is nothin rong in it to equate the MCP's in the world from takin over completely ..If ur supportin for ur religion m supportin for my gender...

i am angry .. but with the ppl around me who think woman are weaker sex and so will they b ... and have to be... we choose to be moral... we chose to be responsible... we chose to be the mother (physically impregnating a child doesn't make one a mother she does it by choice)we choose to be a better person than u morally... and that shud be appreciated and not be taken advantage of ... u cant get certain things by demand and force, respect and love are few of em... sorry but how wud u know that?

what exactly is culture? (in ur dick-tionary).. cos i was thinkin culture is acting more 'evolved' and sophisticated and not barbaric...

guess anyone whose watched even a single Tamil movie knows the cliched statements...there are many guys i ve come across since childhood, who wen losin an arguement goes to the last resort of using this 'i can walk naked in public, can u?' thats the most loser(est) statement i've heard in life.. i think the answer is simple.. we jus choose not to.. u can afford to miss a copper ring in the crowd, try throwin a gold ring and c if noone flicks it... we r precious and we've made ourselves so... yes i have b**bs that u lust on and don have a d*** to f*** u? (oh how i wish!)now how does that make u a better person? i think that only makes me a better person than u in every way and gives the rite and need to decide if u shud come to the pub or not cos ur the one causing trouble here for me!

uff! that done ... i wud like to say that m proud to be a women who has sense, who has a mind of her own to discriminate between whats good for me and my family, how i shud dress where and for whom i shud dress and whom i shud care for ... and most of all, what my values my culture and my morality lies in ... and if in a country that claims to have got freedom of expression and will and rite to choose ur religion and culture...i am ashamed to be a citizen of this country hypocritically callin itself mother India and namin all the places and rivers after women... get a life... we don need to be treated as god .. we jus wanna be human...jus let us live...

well i can keep on writing..but seriously if someone can keep dictating terms to women jus cos they are not one.. i jus wish i can die now and be born a guy .. if thts all it takes to enjoy everythin in the world and lose nothin in return while rulin others lives as to what hey shud do too! wow! and say 'hey lady ur my god, ur the mother, ur cultured, ur pure, u jus have to be my slave and follow my rules to earn this name all ur life... and who am i to judge u? well i ll stray cos am a man'' i really wonder what extra horn men have! but m sure its not in the head...

No i am not in for pub culture... no i am not against it either.. i am for freedom of choice...i drink .. i dont.. its not ur prob.. its my lifestyle.. if ur jealous n cant take it ...well wat can i say...get a life .. hey wait! is the health of the young generation ur real concern? have some concern on the poor guys too then! cos if its spoilin my health in a way its spoiling urs in a worse way! close down all the pubs and make it a dry country (damn did i jus say that!)

or jus add a board in front of pubs sayin 'dogs and women not allowed'

and soon add it in cineplex's, malls, probably the beach too? cos i've seen women dressed in western outfit and hangin out with no CULTURE in these places too! and finally u can achieve ur target of not lettin us into the living room, in fact nowhere beyond the kitchen, bedroom and occasionally the bathroom if u permit... by say 2020? hurray! we are all getting civilized and cultured and (de)volved!

ok this post ll be come too huge to read soon.. so cuttin here i jus have few links to give ya ... here's some petition against the whole thingie which i don belive will do any good but if u do pls go ahead and sign it .. its against moral policing so i am for it.. whoever it is against!

http://www.petitiononline.com/SMP12345/petition.html

what can make me even more angry? c i don interfere in ur beliefs and religion...
well i believe in love ...its my religion and its one day i get to celebrate for my religion.. u guys have so many festivals! ur religion mite want to secure the past but mine wants to secure the future.. with more love and real values so i think i shud really stand up for this... here's a funny blog for valentines day thingie.. ppl who are opposing spread of LOVE in this country... join it if u believe in the V-day or in expressin love on any day for that matter!

http://thepinkchaddicampaign.blogspot.com/

listen to me Mr.MCP, this u really need to know, if u think woman don deserve love its nto affectin just them, if the future generation shudnt be born for love and only for marriage and sex, they will be born as loveless zombies attackin random women outa sheer desperation.. jus like their ancestors.. jus to follow tradition and culture blindly :) now go home and show some love to ur wife b4 she decides to run away...

Yes i fear the unknown...so do u!

today

i wake up searching for my lost pot of gold
my gift of wonder, my art called words,
some more i lost they said i had
a heart of gold, the gift of love...
i ponder in silence till the mystery unfolds...

yet another day i lose it...
the gazillion flowers that bloom in my heart
my bed-of-roses-life made me smile cos i knew
i knew to express how it felt, pain and pleasure

cant make out anymore, in this sea of emotions
i sink deep and search...yet i leave unanswered
cos its a void at the temple of terror in my head...
so i suppress this pillar of hope to FIND ...

for now, i just decide to search, all that they said i had...

and maybe one day i will actually have it

within me

to let them know that losing is how u find it...

A tribute to the not so FAIR sex....

sometimes life is so unfair...i know thats sucha cliched statement and u already kno this post is fulla my rants :P not really... i am a person who truly believes giving gives happiness and taking only leaves u feelin guilty and uncomfortable... but at some point a gal reaches saturation (Read men are from mars women are from venus!) i kno that book has inspired me lots mayb cos its the only one i ve read in life :D but seriously that almost seems like the story of my life and love ...mayb thats y it took me nuff interest to read it ....

there are many things money cant buy ... love is not one of it anymore... as lotsa ppl say and many ppl think and some people believe...but wat my life has taught me is that appreciation is one of it...it is probably the rarest commodity to get today and hence it is the biggest gift anyone can gimme.. now u kno y all my readers are so valuable? that wasnt said for the sake of readership but truly after all u do .. the least u can get is a smile of appreciation that u ve made someone happy with ur efforts...

like i had writen in my spiderman post... power does not bring in responsibility anymore..its more like someone has the power, some other the responsibility, someone else accounted for and yea the doormat does all the dog work! no m not talkin bout jus the work done or talent shown.. even love expressed ... wen not appreciated (note i din say reciprocated) is the worst thing money or anything u do for that matter can never buy... its jus so elusive!

y am i talkin all this shit? no m not in a good mood u got it rite! and i don even have the rite to trash it on my gtalk status anymore since m gettin married and anything i say in my status seems to be understood related to that! cant i have my usual mood swings :) ok if u don believe me lemme quote a small instance here...

There is young maid in our bangalore house say around 18 yrs old, who falls sick, and her sister (who happens to be even younger) comes to do the chores, i get pissed i tell my mom if she gonna let her do the work i will call the cops rite away for child labor!.. i am seen as an insensible idiot :( who lives by the text book rules ... mom promises to not let her work from the next day...so i look at this almost 8-yr old kid with her torn frock shown all her bak... and with that picture in my head i go to work... its disturbing me all day...i walk thro commercial street (as usual!) on my way bak home and those cute kids wear that i always love to watch and jus waiting to buy for someone n dyin to have kids jus for that sake! invite me inevitable.. i buy some and give this kid outa sheer selfishness of gettin the pleasure of buyin those cute stuff and takin away the guilt of makin the kid work for a day in my house and most of all make her promise that she will go to school regularly henceforth! *interval*

what happens next? she starts comin everyday to our house hopin to get something.. doesnt care bout school anymore.. tries to steal some cds... talks arrogantly to my mom...says that the dress already got old and she needs more after2 weeks... finally runs off with some 100 bucks and never comes bak... what do i get in return? everytime she does something i get all the scoldings like she is my kid! well words go like.. u think ur mother teresa ... u go buy that gal some crap she got on our heads... u jus dono who to trust... ur an idiot of the first order.. ur a fool bcos of u we lost a maid now.... u do all ur social service crap somewhere.. wat u think of urself don show off at home...etc etc.. i was left alone with a tear,... no i din have the heart to curse that kid even then ...i did it for my own pleasure... and i got bak nuff for it!

so that aside... y this title u ask as always... i kno ive always tried to be politically correct and try not to sound feministic... but wat the hell i am a gal and i need to relate wen the unfair sex sends unwarranted accuses in the form of forwarded emails.. oh yea they have this line always with it that says fwd to gals with a sense of humor only! i do have a betetr sense of humor than u wen the joke is on u :)

so this forward mail called 'guys rules' which has been comin to me for almost 3 4 yrs on a regular basis now.. always made me feel sick and irritated tho i never usually relate myself to gals (as most of u know!) with least gal friends to talk to know their attitudes and as most of my readers are men too i don even think of writing anything against them... but there were exceptions.. and this is one such post that will definitely start a controvery! but hey this thing made me feel too unfair on the part of the guys... which i ve quite learnt by experience is a basic characteristics of that gender...no wonder we are called the 'fair sex' and it took me too long to understand this!

so here it goes: My comments are in strong and bold letters! these are not my personal comments, infact some i don even relate to..like shoe shopping n stuff.. but yea 'i' here represents women as stereotyped to be as such!( i am not so.. but whats-ur-problem-even-if-i-am kinds!) :) and the 'u' here truly represents men who follow these rules.. if ur an exception don take it to heart... else pls do.. if u have one that is!

PS: excuse me for some words here.. i jus cudnt let out the frustration without the rite words!

The Guys' Rules
---------------------------

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally! , the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

Please note.. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men ARE not mind readers. - yea they are tube lites

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. - you just complained!

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. - yea its not, shopping is another form of entertainment and it takes some maturity to kno sports is not the only form!

1. Crying is blackmail. - indifference is not human

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!- yea we already know ur tube lites, we got it at the first hint!

1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question. - there is something called 'doin it for u' which leaves us with a 'maybe if u want to' but yea how will u understand what that means?

1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. - what exactly is ur boyfriend's a**-hole for?

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. - that means i need to c a lawyer u idiot! oh yea ur slow at getting hints rite! :P

1 Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days. - find someone with a short term memory loss

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys. - ur already acting like one here!

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. - if u think ur balding... don walk with me wen we go out! (since ur clearly shortsighted to see the extend we go to just look good for YOU !)

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one . - i jus heard u say 'm a loser'!

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. - u don have to tell it.. its apparent that ur good for nothing

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials. - well sorry i love commercials, cant take my eyes off them to waste time on u!

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we. - don waste the goddamn gas and my precious time for ur useless ego's sake!

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. - yea ur ignorant...so? wats ur point?

1. If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that. - very much! we will fart wen u want us to tip toe like a delicate darling in that high heels to ur friends party...

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act likenothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. - exactly y it wasn't worth tellin u wat was rong either!

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear - y do u answer where u don have to... shameless?

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine...Really. - watever makes u think m dressin up for u? don u c the million other eyes on me! :P (so u do kno it and want it rite... y r u in complete denial?)

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,or golf. - don marry me unless ur ready to go shopping for shoes everyday! :P

1. You have enough clothes. - u watch enough tv!

1. You have too many shoes - how come u noticed? i thought u have better work!

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape! - thats a good one... flicked from somewhere.. get real! don cry after i leave...

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight - one thing i accept :) but y just tonite? remember? we dont have short term memory loss!

i always considered women a mystery, men are so open and easy to understand! i jus cant get along with gals and they unanimously hate me i dono y! but i so wish i was a guy so i can fall in love with a gal madly... i think she'll be truly worth it physically and emotionally and morally....

Disclaimer: Like i said none of these are my personal things, its jus to get bak at this email forward i used to get... as lucky that i am.. i ve got a guy who is too broadminded and loving to be sterotyped into any of this... i had to say this cos my wedding is around u ppl shudnt take this personally! A guy with such an attitude wouldnt even be my last choice :)

A truly commercial post

After a point of time.. every blogger becomes this... a bit of masala... tags.. awards.. nowadays awards don mean a thing... every blogger has a million of them listed in each post.. almost losin its meaning... but yea these ppl have been gracious nuff to remember me while givng out this award and am happy :) i ve such nice blog friends...but m not passin this on.. for reasons more than obvious.. almost every blogger on my blogroll has got em!

Multimenon thinks am a lovely blogger...

In his words, the award goes to bloggers who make you really feel at home with their super duper and fantastically calm demeanour plus loads and loads of fun and frolic lighting up the blogosphere with their priceless posts-hugely positive people if I am to say..

thanks a lot multi but b4 my readers hit me with rotten tomatoes and stones, i need to confess that i totally don think so.. lovely is probably the last word that describes my blog ... but u being the lovely person that ur... u've given it to me generously... thank u for that :) and where does calm and postitive even apply to me in the first place :D

Anoobhooti has given me this award that she says is given to blogs that invests and believes in PROXIMITY - nearness in space, time and relationships! These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in prizes or self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers!

Attention yes! i cant have enough of that ever (piscean!) and this is partly true since my blog does invest lota time on relationships and i always thought its something negative, but now Ive got an award n am happy for it... yes i am here to make friends and have a social life... happy to kno m good at it! :)

Now time for the tag (rem the song and dance sequences that has to follow the stunts in the movies? how can we miss em! its like that...)

Prasad tagged me (infact i seized it from him :P!!) i intentionally take up some tags to introspect more and most of all to fill up my blog space while m too hectic with work but still don want my readers to forget me... so this one's too damn easy! i jus need to do some coloring work..:P so i just happily took it up... so here i am highlighting things Ive done in life and not highlighting things m yet to explore! simple aint it?

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink- maybe wen i have a baby... oh well then i cant drink!

02. Swam with dolphins

03. Climbed a mountain

04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive

05. Been inside the Great Pyramid

06. Held a tarantula - duh wat?

07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone - dinner yes! bath?

08. Said “I love you” and meant it - all the time!

09. Hugged a tree - absolutely!

10. Bungee jumped - mayb never :D

11. Visited Paris - wud die to!

12. Watched a lightning storm at sea

13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise - stayed up sure, conscious not sure!

14. Seen the Northern Lights - i dono which side is north, but yea i ve seen lite on most sides...

15. Gone to a huge sports game - mayb i shud b doin this from now on :)

16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa - too much i say!

17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables

18. Touched an iceberg - i ve touched an iceberg lettuce :P

19. Slept under the stars - used to lie down on the terrace often once upon a time...

20. Changed a baby’s diaper

21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon

22. Watched a meteor shower

23. Gotten drunk on champagne - y not! its jus how u drink it that matters :)

24. Given more than you can afford to charity - feels dumb but feels good

25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope

26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment - sometimes i wonder if i just smelt laughing gas!

27. Had a food fight - come'on ur talking to a foodie :P i rem 12 of us jumping over a single piece of cake in school :D

28. Bet on a winning horse

29. Asked out a stranger - if making friends with strangers counts, m used to doing it all the time...!

30. Had a snowball fight - it wasn't as cool as i thought it wud be, it was freezing!

31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can - ask my mom bout that ;)

32. Held a lamb

33. Seen a total eclipse

34. Ridden a roller coaster - NEVER!

35. Hit a home run

36. Danced like a fool and didn’t care who was looking - huh! isn't that like a must wen ur drunk?

37. Adopted an accent for an entire day - for months wen i had to do 'customer service' to some dumbericans who need some words to be pronounced rongly to be understood!

38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment - I don believe i just highlighted that!

39. Had two hard drives for your computer

40. Visited all 50 states - y does everything have to be based on the US!

41. Taken care of someone who was drunk - me? that's the funniest thing i've heard in yrs.. but wait a min yea i have done that too once!... jus returned a favor to a friend who does it for me on a regular basis :) *blindy smiles*

42. Had amazing friends - for two whole years i regret letting go now :(

43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country - was too committed to take up oppurtunities ;)

44. Watched whales

45. Stolen a sign - watever that means...i 've stolen too many things to rem :P

46. Backpacked in Europe - yea rite!

47. Taken a road-trip - Of course Many!!

48. Gone rock climbing

49. Taken a midnight walk on the beach - yes on the Atlantic!

50. Gone sky diving

51. Visited Ireland

52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love - wow! that summarizes my life story

53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them - all the time! wat else will a lone restaurant hopper do :(

54. Visited Japan

55. Milked a cow

56. Alphabetized your CDs - i do arrange them once in a while, counts?

57. Pretended to be a superhero - as said in 'The Incredibles', well everybody's unique!

58. Sung karaoke - at home with friends yes

59. Lounged around in bed all day - mostly wen m sick.. n thats mostly :D

60. Played touch football

61. Gone scuba diving - mayb in the andaman this time (hint hint!)

62. Kissed in the rain - i ve kissed the rain tho :)

63. Played in the mud - always wen i was a kid

64. Played in the rain - love it!

65. Gone to a drive-in theatre - yea in Georgia

66. Visited the Great Wall of China

67. Started a business

68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken- wat is love without heartbreaks

69. Toured ancient sites - i live in an ancient city and its surrounded by many!

70. Taken a martial arts class

71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight

72. Gotten married - don think too hard! morally u kno :P

73. Been in a movie - yes .. no more questions asked

74. Crashed a party - hosts fear my entry :)

75. Gotten divorced

76. Gone without food for 5 days - Yes i crash dieted with nothing to eat for almost a month wen in college! Man wish i had the strong will to do that now!

77. Made cookies from scratch - YES with white chocolate and it was yummy!

78. Won first prize in a costume contest - guess wat i was? vegetable vendor :P

79. Ridden a gondola in Venice

80. Gotten a tattoo - Not 1 but 3 of them!

81. Rafted the Snake River

82. Been on a television news program as an “expert” - but m sure i will be one day soon!

83. Gotten flowers for no reason - got it once cos its a Wednesday from who else ;;)

84. Performed on stage - everybody does in school

85. Been to Las Vegas

86. Recorded music - yea on my comp by myself !

87. Eaten Shark

88. Kissed on the first date - how about the second?

89. Gone to Thailand

90. Bought a house

91. Been in a combat zone

92. Buried one/both of your parents

93. Been on a cruise ship - a casino cruise that is!

94. Spoken more than one language fluently - English, Tamil and Tanglish!

95. Performed in Rocky Horror

96. Raised children

97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour

98. Passed out cold - in most parties!

99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country - in another couplea months :D

100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over - shifted countries to start afresh...

101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge

102. Sang loudly in the car - car or bike but i definitely do!

103. Had plastic surgery

104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived - yes it still hurts my head after almost 8 yrs :O

105. Wrote articles for a large publication - used to write for Gokulam as a kid and yea even now i ve had my poetry published and stuff...

106. Lost over 100 pounds - duh! i only weigh around so much

107. Held someone while they were having a flashback

108. Piloted an airplane

109. Touched a stingray - excuse me?

110. Broken someone’s heart - YES and everytime i get my heart broken i mock at myself mercilessly saying 'what goes around comes around'

111. Helped an animal give birth

112. Won money on a TV game show

113. Broken a bone - Yea...both my head and tail to be precise :D

114. Gone on an African photo safari

115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears - nose! but not anymore

116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol

117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild

118. Ridden a horse - think so wen i was a kid...

119. Had major surgery - appendicitis is major?

120. Had a snake as a pet

121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon

122. Slept for 30 hours in a 48 hour period - lemme first learn to sleep 8 hrs!

123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. States - only US! :(

124. Visited all 7 continents

125. Taken a canoe trip

126. Eaten kangaroo meat

127. Eaten sushi - hate it

128. Had your picture in the newspaper - Yes, for partying at 10D!

129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about - i wish!

130. Gone back to school

131. Parasailed

132. Touched a cockroach - eeeeeeeeeks no!

133. Eaten fried green tomatoes - hmm think so... somewhere... never mind...

134. Read The Iliad and The Odyssey

135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school and read - yea merci ;)

136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating

137. Skipped all your school reunions - seriously i missed almost all my friends weddings... school and college...

138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language

139. Been elected to public office - was elected as SPL in a school i joined the previous week and left the very next day :) !

140. Written your own computer language- written my own language on the computer!

141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream - yea wen i get to write for a major client or simply get some appreciation for my reviews :)

142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care - i didn't put him exactly but ive seen him there almost half his life and more than half of my childhood...

143. Built your own PC from parts

144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you - i consider sellin blogspace to someone unknown as equal to this.. but anyway all my freelance work are my art (of writing) sold to someone unknown rite!

145. Had a booth at a street fair - inside college tho

146. Dyed your hair - almost every color u can possibly think of!

147. Been a DJ

148. Shaved your head

149. Caused a car accident - Car? nope (saved!)

150. Saved someone’s life- i ve been underweight to donate blood..mayb i shud try now!

Uff! that took much longer than i thought...any of u wanna takeup the tag? pls feel free to seize it like i did! will c ya soon with more time on my hands and a proper post to read :)

Join the Celebration of Our Love...

What else could be my first post for this special year?

Here it is!

Would love to see my blogging buddies on D day! But for obvious reasons i cant put up the venue in here (esp after the kind of attention this post attracts! :P). So if you are in Chennai and genuinely interested in seeing me in that bridal wear and hog on some yummy wedding dinner, pls take this as my personal invitation and i shall send u the venue by email, but do send me a pic of urs with that email u send, so i don look blank wen i need to introduce u to Brat :D!

PS: Keepin this post short after learning a lesson from the previous...

PS-2: Now i know y i cudnt write poetry for almost a year, looks like i saved it all for my wedding invite! Comments welcome on that pls :)

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