No means maybe Yes ....

"This looks like a job for me, so everybody jus follow me cos we need a lil controversy n it feels so empty without me" ;) … ok what do I write bout today.. No controversies. Oh yeah controversies tho its jus inside my head. This week has been too hectic for me physically and emotionally. So many things m pondering about, question ‘one’ on my mind is why is that it is so tough to say NO? I wonder if tis jus me. Trust me it is nothing to be proud of. Have u ever hated some one from the bottom of your heart? I can never hate someone even if I so badly want to, even if they hurt me so badly. Isn’t that why ppl take you for granted and walk all over you. Is being a push-over something to be mocked at or something to b pitied for? I do get angry n humiliated when m hurt and in a moment of madness I cud even kill someone, but the thing is u never know I mite fall in love with the person the very next moment. Why is my anger soooooooo temporary, it cud vanish like vapor in seconds. Even a smile can fool me. I ve learnt that loving unconditionally is what matters to live happily. Is that true? Or did my mom cheat me by making me an emotional fool today? How do u feel when ur selflessness is selfishly exploited by someone. You realize u ve been taken for a ride. Even funny when u seem to enjoy the ride!! Love is all about giving, I totally agree, I find more happiness when I give a gift than when I receive it. But how much can u give without getting in return? Is it practically possible without getting ur ego/self esteem hurt? Self-respect is something I am worried about here. I have played this game many times; someone hurts u - u still show them u care - they think ur a fool to do so - u still don hate ‘em - what do they do next? It has worked for me sometimes, I ve saved my friendship as a result. But sometimes it doesn’t work, it leaves u feeling lonly, foolish and as the biggest loser on earth.

NO means NO. I tell this to myself a hundred times, but I can never say no to anything be it good or bad. That’s one reason I can never decide. Don mistake it with planning, I plan and work towards it way ahead of time. Well at least I used to!! But taking a decision is the last thing I can do, at least in matters where I wanna satisfy everyone knowing well that I can’t. Saying ‘No’ hurts so much, the fear of hurting someone lets me hurt my self even worse. It’s kinda leading me to think of will power and addictions. I can get addicted to anything on earth so easily be it food or drink, a person or even this blogging for example. Maybe cos I cant say no to myself either. I have a voice inside my head trying to control, always telling me what’s rite n what’s wrong n when I shud stop n when I shud say NO. But as she keeps yellin 'Say NO no no no no' .. I open my mouth I say YES, wada bitch. She mocks me, laufs at me, swears at me sometimes even disappears sayin ‘u do what u do, don come cryin to me’. Hey common she cant say 'no' either, she lets me get hurt when she knows it n still doesn’t hate someone who deserves to b hated. Sometimes it’s a mistake to learn to c the good side of people, to take everything as a learning experience n to believe strongly that everything happens for good. As I grow up life is reversing everything I learnt as a child from hard work to honesty. I strongly believe hard work can work miracles in every aspect of life, be it ur research or ur relationship. But the harder I work the lesser the result, n the harder I try not to get de-motivated, the lesser life helps me in it. Well back in school, I learnt to use language correctly so that ppl can understand; as I grew up I learnt to use it not-so-correctly so that I can blend in the crowd. What do u do when life is teaching u all the wrong lessons? How do u save urself n follow the principles that u believe in, when everything n everyone around u strongly suggest that u change or u gonna remain a lonly fool in this smart n shrewd world!! I can only let these two ppl inside me fite n as always leave me confused n useless …

PS: I did a spell check n tried to make most words look like English! MS Word is still spitting on me with red n green lines … my apologies...

my first n last ad campaign

Not man enuff for me

I donno how controversial this topic wud b .. but jus penning down wats going on in my head today. Men! Something I ve never thought bout, at least its never been a mystery to me. In the contrary women were always mysterious to me, what a tomboy I sound like. Somehow mosta my friends have been guys if not all, almost all of ‘em. But today, for the first time m thinking bout men, rather certain kinda men, who don seem so man nuff to me. I know 99 perc ppl reading this r men, no offense to anyone but a few. I m not trying to sound feminist here cos I have never related myself to the female society, but hey! we r living in the 21^st century n I was assuming that the world is now changed from what is portrayed on TV/cinema. I can’t believe there r still men who can’t c their women beyond the bedroom and kitchen. Talk about equality and crap, how can women ask for equality, I really m not for it, men n women r not equal they can never b. They are each stronger and weaker in different aspects. As I always say freedom is what others give u but independence is wat u give urself. I think today’s women r dumb in this context. Men r getting smarter now they can use women not jus as sex/cookin machine but also as money venders. All in the name of equality. Ok I lost the sequence somewr.. oh yeah men .. y do they get so intimidated by women who have a mind of their own? Wat is it that a guy looks for in his gf tht he doesn’t wanna c in his wife? Same men who worship women as goddess for their sexuality disrespect their emotional needs. Being emotional is not a weakness, well I am emotional, I feel love, I feel hatred, jealousy anger nostalgic... I fall in n outa love... I wanna cry when m down and party wen m happy, I hate it when guys try to stop me from releasing my emotions, which has happened with every guy I ve known, m human n it’s my birth rite to have feelings. There r guys who respect women no doubt bout it, but how broadminded r they? What do they consider broadminded? The so called unconventional bfs/husbands still cannot c beyond their stereotypical view of a modern day women. Stereotypical women who dono wat they want, giving too much of themselves in the name of love? Commitment? Or whatever... I wud def blame our Indian media esp. movies for establishing a very shallow view in the minds of ppl on issues like love, marriage, emotions. Also it is always black or white characters that are portrayed, while I strongly believe that every human, be it man or woman is grey, a mixture of good n bad. Media is the primary teacher today; most Indian girls believe the sole purpose of being in love is to get married while a typical Indian guy believes the sole purpose is to get laid. Result being loss of a beautiful emotion that every person feels/shud feel in his/her life. I wud rather live-in with a guy who loves/trusts me n vice versa all ma life than get married to someone I don’t. Why is it that a man cant take it when his women is smarter than him or handle women who r offbeat ... y does he have a bad reflex to such women… from what my closest friends have told me they love to hang out with such women while have a life with dumb insecured girls who wud fool themselves knowing that he is fooling around?.. Too complicated.. Well I don really care. Is being indifferent is what makes a man? Reminds me of this movie called ‘FIRE’, maybe better known for other reasons, but I loved Nandita Das’ character in it. A perfect Indian women, independent but not westernized, knows how to live her life to the fullest beyond all barriers. I highly recommend u ppl u read this book called ‘men r from mars women r from venus’ least I can say is , it opened my eyes. I guess a man needs to b strong in everything he has to b while letting the women b what she can b... respect her for what she can be. Not a man who sinks in self-pity n complex, not a man whose intimidated by a better woman (who can think beyond conventions and laid out traditions/rules), not a man who’s proud to be indifferent, not a man who defines who a ‘good girl’ is, not a man who judges, not jus some man… a real man .. Who knows how to treat his lady rite… u maybe fulla love u mayb way ahead of time.. u maybe the rite kind what typically ‘women’ look for .. The question is r u MAN enuff for me? …

will i sleep if i get lost?

Its 2 o clok n m still wide awake. its still late evening for me. There r days wen i don sleep at all keep awake till morn n leave for work. How do ppl get to sleep. i kno ppl who can sleep the very sec they close their eyes. i wish i was that way, or mayb i don want to b tht way. I wonder if this is by choice or is it somethin i can never getover. I can call myself an insomniac, i can stay awake for 48 hrs at a stretch without feelin tired or sleepy. is this a gift? or a curse? Well its got lotsa drawbacks. Idle mind is devils workshop, I think too much..is tht y i don get to sleep..hmm. its a vicious circle I believe.

Insomnia is characterized by an inability to sleep and/or to remain asleep for a reasonable period. Insomniacs typically complain of being unable to close their eyes or "rest their mind" for more than a few minutes at a time. Both organic and nonorganic insomnia constitute a sleep disorder[1][2]. It is often caused by fear, stress, anxiety, medications, herbs or caffeine. An overactive mind or physical pain may also be a cause. Finding the underlying cause of insomnia is usually necessary to cure it. says wikipedia

I personally feel Internet is the main cause for my insomnia. m totally obsessed dedicated addicted and madly in love with the internet. Don think I wud get over it anytime in my life. Wish there was a way i can stay online n sleep, virtual sleep? y not.. 'an overactive mind' yes ofcourse thts there too.. i feel i got too much energy unutilised n i m losin it wen i sleep..funny? comon cant u c it m writing BS here ..mayb i shud get a real job .. no probably i shud get a real life!! Life beyond the internet... omg scary to even imagine..

where wud i b then? ..... i wud b lost ..

home sweet home

I was thinkin of postin somethin recent here..write sometin poetic dreamy n unrealistic .. ..but m reminded of sucha piece i had written for the editorial of my journal, travel in Chennai. It was funny cos its more like a fantasy story than an editorial, wat can u expect on a travel journal, that too written by me.. as always i jus pen down my thoughts as they flow, mostly without a sequence hehe.. purpose is to bring out the possible fun u can have traveling in a city like Chennai.. also to make up a story to tell ppl how the idea of the journal came about .. So here it goes...

I closed my eyes to find absolute darkness until I got power from the skies and ran towards this beam of light I found at a distance. God knows where it is leading to but I go by my intuitions that tell me to keep moving on in this direction. Slowly I hear birds chirping and a sweet scent of wet mud tempting me towards this bright and warm garden filled with flowers of all colors and flashes of orange and red light from the sun. The green base with florescent rays and smell of tropical fruits were seductive. I wish I could fly in the sky like that bird migrating from one place to another. But I keep running through this place, I don’t know why, until I find this lonesome beach at a long distance. I run with excitement to this vast piece of land with just no one around. The hot sand, the empty sky and the sea at a long distance, which still seemed like a mirage to me, were my world now. Though the blue-and-blue-only life is a little depressing, the sea breeze and the hot sun were a nice contrast. I wish I could swim like those little fishes in there and reach the unknown end of the ocean. The grass has always seemed greener to me on the other side. I find myself pushing my way through the water rowing an invisible boat. The waves are getting higher and seemed like pushing me up to reach a snow filled mountain. The next minute am panting for breath reaching the peak. Here I stand as I find the sun slowly moving down the hill warming me and bringing me alive from my frozen state. The smell of medicinal plants and roars of wild animals seemed heady. My head starts to have a mild pain and am giddy. I ate the fruits from the garden, drank the water of the sea but still what am I hungry for? Is my thirst for finding people? Culture? Civilization? I roll down this green bushy hill down to the valley. My heart skips a beat. The silence is broken by the noise of traffic and my head is reeling with the speed of the movement of light here. Everything seems colorless and white. This isn’t the place I should be in. This tainted city, smelling of machines, is like the place I tried running away from…my home! But I find people dressed strangely speaking in a language that seemed like Greek to me. Thousands of people around me, am not alone, but I need to know where I am and who these people are. The busy city didn’t care about my arrival. Nobody was bothered about me when I went looking through the manmade gardens, beach resorts and hills and wildlife sanctuaries, museums and art galleries. The wealth of nature is still alive and fresh here. Actually it is packed and offered in a better way. The place had it all and a long history to tell. I slowly started loving this life as it had more comfort and pleasure. People here are so cultured and hospitable. No man is an island. Everyday is a learning experience when you travel. The thirst of human to travel has gone beyond just flying to the moon. Wanderlust is one of man’s primary desires but not discovered and established as one. I found my foot itching for more. But then I feel this sting of pain in my heart…I knew I was missing home. No place is like home and traveling is sometimes nothing greater than entertainment especially for lazy people. The huge door to get out of this dark cave I was traveling through seemed heavy and tough to open but then I had to try harder and harder and open it slowly. My eyeballs were rolling around this very familiar place. Yeah! I am still at home on my bed comfortably laying down and dreaming. I don’t think it’s just a dream …it made me realize the desire in me to travel and go places and the need and necessity of traveling for any man. It opened my eyes to the wonders in my own city… the place that I considered not more than a polluted piece of garbage stressing me out till now. I wish I could do something to discover the wealth of my home city and show it to the world especially for people with itchy feet like me………..

Peace

How exactly does this work? I don understand really.. I jus write something here.. ppl read it.. n then what .. But then m totally jobless and bored that I decided to write again today... m in a kinda ecstatic state since the time I got over the ‘down in the dumps’ state I was in till yesterday… jus so typically me…

Guess wat .. I got my first Tattoo .. I m as excited as I ve never been in my life about nething. Though there r million things I can whine about today , one lil tattoo made my day rather made my year I should say. Looks pretty doesn’t it? Ventured into piercing too, but not too excited bout it, at least it’s more painful than tattooing. I m sitting at work with no work to do, trying to write some crap in here. How bout I dream of my next tattoo. I m thinking of getting one in my hand or shoulder, (something with a cross heart and skeleton on it) or m thinking of a ‘where is the love?’ tattoo. There r lotsa them here http://www.tattoo.com/ select a nice one for me n get urself one for sure.. trust me it def brightens ur mood. Lemme finish this blog in my own style... the way I feel today … best expressed in the language of poetry.

Wat am amazing day took ma pains away!

Some fear it some deny some say let it go unspoken

Look at me m rite here singing its praise

U made me write again brought back the inspiration

C my future in ur palms let it go m not afraid nemore

Am dreamin away like I have to, was screamin away like a psycho

My diary says nuff u depressed bitch get outa here

I neva gave a fuck all I used to say was ‘man life sucks!’

Yes m ready now ready to let go ready to take life as my mate

Some laufed at it some said gosh get a life n stop blamin fate

Wat am doin here wat m I supposed to? awrite I give up…

Or so u think .. but here s ma day the day I told u wud come

Here she came like a bird outa cage n took me to her little nest

Am a poet livin in my past glory denied my rite to complete the story

But amona sing again n let my new mate search for the rest ….

STAND BY ME

Since this is my first blog ..n I have no clue wat m doin or supposed to do here .. m gonna post something i wrote long back but still fresh in my memory.. something I love and wrote with a kinda inspiration i ve never had before.. This is a msg written for a PR campaign ... but truly a msg from my heart ....

AIDS does not spread by touching or hugging, but fortunately love does!

Hang on! This is not just another awareness program for AIDS. It is rather a treatment for an illness which most of us have, ‘the stigma’! ‘Where there is love, there is life’ said Mahatma Gandhi. We, who have the elixir of life, in abundance within us, are not aware enough to know that each of us could make a difference in someone’s life. Now that sounds like something! Of course all of us know that love is a contagious disease but it’s up to us to take the first step and make it an epidemic. But where do I keep the first step? What do I do? How can I make a difference? Well, even we didn’t have a clue, until sometime back. But now… we know we have achieved something we will be proud of and remember forever and here we are to share the happiness with u, show you how big a thing a person like you and me can do. As you look back upon your life, you will realize that the moments you have truly lived are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love.

Who are we talking about? What do they need? We are talking about a few blessed cute little angels whose innocent smile can melt hard rocks. These kids who are affected or infected by the HIV and are shun by the society (Yes, that’s you and me again!) just for that single shallow reason for no fault of their’s. There are even kids who are HIV negative being ignored because they were born for parents who had AIDS. The only abnormality is the one within us, which is the incapacity to love. These naïve sweethearts don’t long for money or things or any of the stuff that you have already started thinking about. Mother Teresa rightly said ‘If you judge people, you have no time to love them’.

Yes! They just need your love, affection, care, recognition in the society and most of all treat them alike and with neither contempt nor sympathy. All of us are educated and claim to be sophisticated; do we need awareness about the disease any further? May be we do, but we know so much to know that it does not spread through casual contact. Then why are these children denied of school admission? Why are they denied of friendship? Why are they denied the normal life you and me live?

What can I do about this? You can, because all along we have been talking about you and me! We have made a small difference in a few such children’s life; rather these tender souls from various homes in the city made us happy and made a day in our life unforgettable. We have been gifted with contentment and are in a state of bliss right from then. So there is a selfish thought behind everyman’s deeds huh? Who cares! In the end the world becomes a better place to live in, for everyone. The ultimate joy in life is the belief that we are loved. Love fills gaps, builds bridges and makes all of us a single family. We found the way and will pursue it henceforth. Now if you are still wondering how to do this? We will show you how! But are you ready to open the doors? Let them in …

Now that you know, just your presence can make a difference in someone’s life, take the small step, make your presence felt and make someone’s day brighter. We are all born for love. So are they!! It is the theory of existence. ‘To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead’. You are rich with love, share it, and trust us, you will get it back multiplied infinite times. After all, all that the children ask for is ‘Show me love, treat me right, and let me into your world…. Stand by me!!’

My first love are my kids ... so is this piece of poetry i tried writing ...

Stand By Me
Its my uphill climb
And my song turns blue
But when u held my hand
U took me right up there
But still u don have a clue
Now even my loneliness is heaven
In darkness I see light,
My eyes still blind in spite,
I put my hands up to push up the sky,
But I keep falling down, donno why.
One thing that makes me wonder,
How it feels so good down under,
As if touched by a fairy’s wand,
I feel like ‘Alice in Wonderland’!
Seeing pairs of creatures singing
Lullaby to each other,
My emptiness feels heavier than ever.
While I keep singing the melancholy of my life,
Holding the hands of my invisible mate,
Dancing to the tunes of fate,
Eating the sands of this tainted earth,
Walking in the path of thorns from birth,
Tears of rain playing in my fingertips,
The depth of its pain, kissing deeply on my lips.
Laughing along with the thundering roars of hatred,

“Yes am the child of destiny,
Wedded to woe, still ….
Hoping to be the mother of joy …
Would you STAND BY ME?”