The Blogger Formerly Known as Sansmerci

Will never be ALONE again!

2012-01-25T11:43:00.000+05:30

Of sunshines and early mornings

Of late night movies and long musical drives

Of love unspoken but still understood

Of hearts that beat as one, well it’s more than just two

And is born inside of me already that which will never leave until I do

And made changes in me already that which no one until could

And now I know how it feels to be beautiful inside

And now I know how vital this thing -

this thing I never cared for - called life!

I will love you merci!

2011-12-31T00:38:00.001+05:30

I don't make resolutions. I am not the type to discipline myself or anyone else for that matter. Yes I am proud of what I just said and you can stop reading here if you think that's lame. Well, for the others, where was i? yeah I don't think any sane grown up in the world would think a new yr will change their existing life, but yes we have been taught to start afresh once in a while so we have a 'chance' on anything that we actually deserve to. And what better day to start afresh than the first of January rite. Well if time is manmade, so is months and years but so are problems and solutions, resolutions.

Alrite, I should agree 31st dec night is one of those days in the year when i get all hyper and want to party and celebrate, frankly, i just need a reason. There is so much in me that I wanna change that I think if I dont decide to then i could never love myself ever again, not that I ever did, am still trying. So this year I have decided to stop thinking of the partying for a change and think of how to fix my broken self image in such a way that I would start loving myself and then I would probably have a chance at having a real life sometime in the future new years to come. I am not suggesting that I am going to take a resolution, I did almost closely once in 2008 if u rem the post I did few months before my wedding and 2009 was an amazing year i should say.

Frankly, I am planning another phoenix style start-from-scratch again this year, yet again, yet again, yes. I have decided to listen to my head and my heart, or at least one of them and give myself a chance at being someone I approve of. As easy as it might sound, it is the most difficult thing i can think of now. Self-control and self-love are two things I can never buy or sell. So this year instead of crying of split milk that nobody loves me, my resolution is to love myself and for that, act in a way that I would fall for myself and most of all, stop spending my entire life worrying if anyone else does. Wish me good luck :D

Its impossible to not social(media)ize a single line

2011-12-13T10:23:00.001+05:30

After a complete 2 yr break, after writing nothing but website content, social media messages, food reviews and marketing ~~lies~~ info, ~~*yawn*~~ you find a freestyle writer use punctuations and ~~gramatically~~ right English here, with no spellos or typos? Naaa... altho i absolutely have no idea where to start even wonder if i shud use the same blog or start a fresh new one..i realized my blog needed this break or even more to get outa the ~~i-dono-who-i-am-anymore~~ i-write-for-the-readers way of posting...a killer disease that takes years to cure esp only after the final and lasttt reader of your blog is chased away, you start writing your heart out again.

Its funny how things can break so easily. Destruction is a beautiful thing if you look at it carefully. No am not being my old pessimist self here... well perhaps i am.. but after a prolonged 3-months of chronic stress and reading on god-knows-what-all diseases on earth exist, you are half a doc and a fully blown pessimist. the last time i felt lke blogging strongly i decided not to cos ~~i din have ne readers left~~ i din want to write depressed nemore and i don feel like writing when otherwise. and this time i tght, wtf, if thts what i am thats what i am.. ~~wait! i started to write on destructio~~

frankly i don have ne stuff to write other than such rambling.. the ~~shamlessly~~ bold i-think-outofthebox Merci is lost somewr inside my head... well i do think outside the box ~~n sometimes even get out of it n stand outside the box too.~~.but the urge to write it down n spread the fire... duh... its for those ~~hopeless and dreamy~~ young and energetic people who still dream that they can change the world... b4 they realize the world keeps changing at a pace they cnt even notice nemore...

So as life takes its course...as i shifted from teenagy ~~wtf-was-i-thinking~~ emo blogging to ~~yes-now-am-married~~ recipe blogging... probably my next step ~~should be~~ ~~could be~~ will be a cute lil ~~how-my-baby-pee-d-today~~ family blog like every damn Indian woman ~~who sits at home tapping the laptop all day like me~~ wants to survive in the social media does.. but me being ~~useless and having a boring pathetic life~~ unique and different as always... my blogs henceforth wud b on things tht interest me.. ~~like old age and medicine~~ like interesting medical information and my experiences... wisdom gained... ~~and lost~~... well .... watch out... or nawwwtt...

Honest Scrap Award

2010-03-10T00:58:00.002+05:30

Nish was generous enough to give me this award for my recipe blog what's cooking today?

The rules are you post the award and 10 things about you and tag back the blogger who gave you the award. About you can read here, jus scroll down to the tag part and i have almost 15 things bout me in there!

I wud like to pass on the award to wistfully yours, Mysore Pak Conversations, The Praveen, Nautankey and Oodles of Doodles.

Thank you Nish once again!

C'mon Baby Light My Fire!

2010-02-28T18:57:00.005+05:30

Dont be shocked that m posting a blog...n m posting it with my left hand...don mind the typos n spellos (as always)!

When u reach depths, u don ve a choice but the way back up. That’s how I ve started writing again. I thought in fact decided for good that its over my flair to write or my passion for it, its reached saturation, its torn into bits… networking sites with status’ msgs, a let out of thoghts as soon as they start to accumulate, no more do we wrte letters ,. no more do I blog…email killed the letters, IM killed email..FB killed IM.. n yea lately I c buzz is killin FB too…too many thoughts..too many outlets.. its all getting a bit too much to put out a blog post.. no time to write my own diary to say in human terms…no more introspection..nothin can live without passion or depth.. my writing has lost it too.. as with my passion for life and living it…

When life gets mundane..no offence to marriage but as u get older and more settled.. there is no more ‘hunting’. I think as raw human wen we don hunt we don survive..wen theres nothing to seek nothing to look fwd to.. u die internally.. yea I got my desired partner and most desired job.. everything I ever wanted..and then the question arising is as simple as a complicated ‘ok now what???!!!’ no its not the deal and compromises tht come with the decisions I ve made tht scare me infact they make life worth fiting and living for.. after all m not someone who needs an eventless life.. always had an extra eventful life and love it wen I look bak at it.. I don like it smooth..infact i hate mediocrity in any form.. including an average life turns me off.. yes I do long for it ironically many times.. but its life and I ve learnt to take it as it comes..but when everything gets monotonous.. the passion is lost..the light is burning…but there aint no fire…m lost.. empty…unused…

To put it in my foodie terms, I wud equate it to eating the same breakfast everyday.. I wud rather b dead n gone instead.. I am not implying tht variety is the spice of life.. oh on second thghts yes I am but there is a possibility fr variety within means..well lets say u ve decided to eat egg for breakfast all ur life.. ur not gonna break ur promise but learn to eat it in a million ways and explore as well as discover a zillion ways to make it better everyday… now u know wat I mean…lota writers who don’t get a chance or din take a chance to b one professionally due to social and financial reasons envy me.. well.. wat ve I become in the end.. someone who is so absorbed by the monotony of a work that actually, in quite a literal sense, can have a lot more flavor and juice to it but I ve become a dry nut cracking slowly into an empty shell…

Love and hate are the same damn emotions, its jus how u perceive it in ur positive or negative mood..so u can only hate something as much as u love it…the strength of the emotions are usually equal...depends on ur attachment to the subject.. if I can love u this much.. I can hate as much easily...well so I decided I don give a damn if m seeing the glass as half full or half empty, m going bottoms up baby and that’s all I care!

Pushing myself to the edge.. I write … I don’t ve a choice and I will….wen every part of me feels injured physically and mentally.. I feel useless n wasted..like I belong in the trash…m makin my own recipe for a pill..yea the same old I knew..giving it another chance…no matter if I feel disabled nuff to even type… writing…m gonna be writing…left or rite or even with my legs… m gonna be writing…

I Write Sins, Not Tragedies

2009-11-29T19:05:00.004+05:30

Poker-faced Parasite has come alive again!

Check it out

http://undefinedoxymoron.blogspot.com/2009/11/i-write-sins-not-tragedies.html

PS: Content Warning enabled

Vote for my Chennai Foodie blog

2009-11-28T00:39:00.001+05:30

http://chennaifoodreviews.blogspot.com/2009/11/vote-for-me.html

PMS: Myths Busted - The Other Side of the Story

2009-11-09T23:44:00.002+05:30

All u ladies in the house, here’s an open question to u

“How do u feel when ur really angry and pissed at something, its breaking ur heart, getting on ur nerves and u feel absolutely helpless and wanna break down, waiting on a regret or at least an explanation from him, if not a make-up act, and all u hear him say is ‘It’ll all be ok soon baby…ur just PMSing and m getting used to it’!”

This is what I have termed as the act of ‘Easy Blame Reversal Syndrome (EBRS)’!

Well yo’all know what am talking about… I can hear the guys sigh as tho it’s the biggest curse that has been brought upon them since the birth of human race…but I feel like its the biggest plot that men have come up with (they probably do have a secret sorority to come up with such stuff on a universal basis)…to fool woman into believing that she and her precious body (which otherwise is worshipped by the same men as the greatest gift to mankind) are the only reason for any pain caused to her and in fact its causing pain to him too.. tho not technically even close to what she goes thro.. his miseries are more talked about than hers..in fact the only recognized pain of hers is that which affects him, if u know what I mean! I wonder in olden days when ppl knew nothing bout how the body worked and how hormones caused mayhem…did they still go thro PMS? I don think so dude! Those times wen she went thro pain.. it was seen as mere pain..and was empathized with..not as a u-don-ve-a-choice-so-stop-whining-n-put-up-with-it pain…

Alright… pre/post menstrual stress do exist upto to some level very much..i agree.. but its completely manipulated by the circumstance.. if u notice it mostly occurs to woman who are surrounded by a lot of men.. rather at least one of them..or lets say the stress is projected into a huge issue only by the men around.. u say it’s a reason woman give all thro the month to justify their bad moods.. I say it’s a reason men give to convince us women that its not him, its ‘her’ who is to blame..and its bcos of her hormones and its problems that she’s this anxious, emotional and angry at this time..well it’s a way to give the woman the blame, let her take it without denials and also blame her later for using it as a tool to get what she wants..well in the first place, if she gets what she wants y the hell is she even stressed? Yes of course she takes a lil advantage of it and use it to her benefit sometimes, thankfully, every coin has two sides.

I hate to call it pre-menstrual stress and keep it gender biased.. if the pain is for both the gender (as the men claim)..I wanna abbreviate it into ‘Production Management System’ if not for reproduction mgt sys.. cos both the parties (along with the hormones) involved in reproduction are causing it and the person takin it of course is the same one who takes the pain of the final output too. Lets see, when he took u out to a beautiful dinner for ur bday last yr..and made u feel like a queen.. u din ve any pms even a day b4 ur chums.. but this yr wen he forgot ur bday or jus din care to buy u even a rose.. ur pms bugs him too much this month… so yea, if ur boyfriend’s cheating on u and u know it, ur pms hits u well in advance.. mayb 2 weeks ahead of wen it shud.. and who cares how much it is bugging u deep inside wen u very well its not just the pms! Well its all in ur body hon and its stupid mechanics.. ur poor bf has to take all this shit from u cos of it.. phew!

Those instances were explained to u from what I have heard from gals.. who have been and are goin thro this treachery… ignorant of the curse they are blamed for, naively acceptin blame believing its in their favor.. sometimes feelin guilty for it too…and what I ve heard from guys who are boyfriends/husbands of such ‘PMS Possessed’ females who are making their lives miserable. I have also seen perfectly happy couples (really?) not knowing what the hell the term even means.

Nevertheless, from my experiences with PMS patients (who are clinically treated for this) and from what the doc suggests and the placebos given to them (that are jus bcomplex and vitamin tabs under a weird name! thanks to google!) I say with all confidence and pride.. it’s a bloody myth.. and its well used and utilized by the society to fool us all into thinking we are being protected.. wen in fact we are being abused in the name of it.. (y not we start treating EBRS too?) Its jus Psychiatry baby! Don be weak.. don blame ‘that time of the month’ nemore for your miseries.. and then u ll see that its jus another physical cycle like u pee or shit.. yes it causes a lot more of pain than the said..wat else do u expect wen life fucks u yet again in the same damn hole...now stand up for ur rite gals…n if he disagrees…tell him he’s jus goin thro ‘EBRS’…fart the shit out back on to his face next time.. and tell me how he reacts, m really curious!

Disclaimer: These are not facts, but my personal opinions based on true stories (plus a little research on google) and a few extracts from my free (unisex) relationship ‘counseling’ sessions offered on gtalk that I will soon start charging for (per hour)!

(And of course forgive the hostile tone…m just feelin a bit aggressive cos m PMSing :D)

Promoting Narcissism

2009-11-05T00:54:00.004+05:30

Its been long since I wrote a really random jus-typin-down-my-thoughts-as-they-flow post..in fact its been too long I actually wrote …I ve gotten outa touch with myself lately.. I ve numbed thoughts and not letting it flow.. I can sense I ve done it to myself consciously. but it takes a lot more for me to write as freely as I cud..bad I guess for a writer..cos no writing is good nuff if its not from the heart..i dono if its cos I ve become a readers writer…I still rem times wen I started the blog I din care who reads and jus wrote for my own let-out and used it as my punching bag…a diary I used this one as…but once the readership increased.. perception of the readers started influencing, sub-consiously tho I was in total denial..i guess now that I ve lost touch and lost readers too in the process… I can get to back to myself? (wait a min, am I shooing away even the few ppl who read me now..duh!) but anyways frankly now I cant write anything but for work..that explains y my food blogs are updated regularly..altho m too busy to write here…mayb cos m lovin it now too much and its like an addiction in itself…my work my hobby my everything it has become..sometimes overwhelming for myself.. still not got enuff of it..thanksfully!

and yea of course on facebook.. I think thts the culprit..everytime something strikes me now I have somewhere to express it rite away than pile it along n develop on it and write a proper post spillin my heart out.. (mayb I shud do a quotable quotes by sansmerci – part 2 post!) it usually goes unrecognized or misunderstood since its incomplete, even from my end.. I cant express wat I actually want to.. tho it feels nice to come up with status msgs reflectin my mood I shud agree.. in fact the whole industry is running on it now.. online media networking and even social marketing…wat else is twitter based on? Somehow m not into twitter (thank goodness!) but facebook yes takes all my free time nowadays..

What are we actually doing?! better communication and technology has actually tampered communication itself! I know all the blah about internet reducing socialization and stuff..but now even communicating has become short n quick n mostly half-hearted...i rem talkin for hours on the fone with friends in school days..now its mostly i catch up with them on chat all day so doesnt matter (probably my mom wud complain the same bout fones..there is nothing like meetin friends n talkin in person!)...'words' to me now means typed ones than spoken ones and smiles ve become smileys.. ironically tho it connects us to the oldest of friends from school and kindergarden too..which wud ve been a far-fetched dream even a decade ago…so we are supp to be more social now rite?

Hmm I dono its kinda confusing..i ve a million ppl online ..i feel on top of the world sometimes love being the centre of attraction … tell ppl wat am doin now.. show off my poetic writing ability..smart thinking..jus express how m feeling and get noticed for it…sometimes impossible to handle the number of ppl who buzz me during the day.. but in the end I only try to control my smiles at the monitor..lest ppl near me (who I dono at all!) shud think otherwise…and of course I eat my lunch alone! Maybe its jus me.. or mayb I need to get a life.. but somehow I c life goin on only in here…is it true? Or is there a real world still out there? I envy ppl who are completely internet illiterate and have no idea bout this big wild world out here..taking over our lives…

Ok so wat am I trying to say…I dono..i jus have this eerie feelings that this huge narcissistic promotions going on thro social networking .. is doin no good to the personality..its infact pretty depressing wen u get tired of it or jus don have access someday and feel left outa the world…like orkut was everything one day..it was where I used to wake n go to sleep to…now I don even login there nemore! Yahoo used to be my breath and today I don rem my yahoo password to login the messenger…And so will facebook or gtalk be soon…it certainly feels too lonely out here in this BIG internet world with access to a million ppl from anywhere in the world at ur fingertips..agree?

Eeram - The long awaited rains in Kollywood…

2009-10-05T08:44:00.042+05:30

Impressed with the surprisingly refreshing recent Tamil movie 'Eeram', i ve been inspired to do something different too.. a movie review! There have been some of my 'comments' on movies in this blog such as these, Ofcourse Rani is still the queen, 3-in-1 movie review, Movie and a meal and of course my superhit post Push up my bra like that, P orno Paparazzi Girl (highest hits n comments on my blog until now..for all the rong reasons!)... i wudnt call any of them a professional review tho. (PS: all comments got deleted wen i shifted to this blog address :( )

Here is my buddin attempt at actually reviewing a movie...(other than the so-called reviews i've written in the film studies paper at college :D), read on.. and gimme ur review on it!

Eeram - The long awaited rains in Kollywood…

Quenching the thirst of the many who watch movies for more than mere time pass and entertainment, here is a winner, the no-nonsense super natural thriller, Eeram, a deep, involving and intelligent movie made by a team that seems to know what they are doing pretty well! What a relief from the commercial mind-less flicks, Eeram, as the name suggests, is definitely a patch of wetness amidst the dryness, it is a day of drizzles in super hot Chennai.

Eeram belongs to that genre of movies that release without much commotion and noise, but spreads through word of mouth and becomes a super-hit gradually. The professionalism and quality in the movie, and every aspect of it, speaks for itself and there is no need for huge budgets and sex appeal, when you rely on talent and confidence. No big stars, no song-and-dance sequences and of course no punch dialogues in the script. Produced by Shankar and directed by his assistant Arivazhagan, the cinematography by Manoj Paramahamsa is the best part of the movie, sets it a class apart!

The movie opens with the death of the female lead, Ramya (Sindhu Menon), the wife of Bala (Nanda) and the introduction of her past love interest Vasudevan (Aadhi) as the police officer investigating on her case. The film then flashes between scenes from their past and the crime investigation in the present. The love scenes from the flashback are a pleasant colorful relief to the almost black and white, always gloomy present. The ghost of Ramya, trying to prove her character to the people who shunned her when she was alive, uses ‘water’ to be her medium to kill her victims and the entire movie is literally themed on it, with little sunshine. Will Aadhi be able to help her out and save more deaths at the same time? Will he be able to find the mystery behind her death and find the person responsible for it, while his department loses trust in him? The mystery is not so hard to solve, you almost guess the accused right in the beginning, but the screenplay keeps you so engrossed, startles you at the precise moments and of course it is more than pleasing to the eye to watch Chennai all cloudy, rainy and picturesque all the time!

The director has taken a lot of care into the minutest of detail, in producing every tiny little necessary element into scenes, representing lifestyle, culture, character and logic, very subtly without jarring immature contrasts in anything. The script is very smart and adds to the mystery element of the movie well. The logic is never tampered through out the movie, a well thought-out plot. The editing and graphics add to the overall quality of the movie, so naturally done, unlike many cheesy graphics we get to watch nowadays. Aadhi does need a special mention for his outstanding performance.

Overall, professionalism is the key word for the movie ‘Eeram’, a must-watch for true cinema lovers.

U know ur a true Chennaite when u…

2009-09-30T08:08:00.007+05:30

10. Can comfortably eat Idli at Sheraton and at a Thattu Kada outside it, with absolutely no fuss in both the places…

9. Know which 'auto-karan' to make friends with and which one to start a fite with and feel equally proud and happy about both the incidents.

8. Truly hate Hindi by blood.. tho the Tamil you speak is a dirty mix of words from English, Hindi/Urdu, Telugu and what not, only too twisted and tangled to recognize…

7. Cannot drive without swearing and cannot drive properly without such motivation from others either.

6. Rush to Bangalore every Friday night and try hard to book the Sunday nite (impossibly) unavailable train tickets back home...

5. Cannot make a funny statement without mocking Vivek or Vadivelu in modulation, no we do not say ‘Mind it!’ anymore… in fact, we never did!

4. Pay day at Pasha and Broke day at Bessie

3. Proud of A R Rahman as though he’s your cousin brother…

2. Can have filter coffee and Old Monk, one after the other….. in any order…

1. Claim to work in a sweatshop and stay 90 percent of ur time on Orkut, Facebook and of course Blogger!

The last one's a contribution from Brat....m sure i ve left out a lot... pls add to the list (dont gimme stereotypical media-projected nonsense tho)...dayaaaam... i am so jobless!!

If looks cud kill....then i must b writing this from hell...

2009-09-15T10:16:00.007+05:30

Is it virtually possible to send out hate vibes to people? i have never hated anyone in my life ... i have had angers .. i have hated peoples specific characteristics.. i ve shouted and threatened to kill ppl too in moments of anger... i dislike some ppl at first site.. i dislike some ppl even b4 i meet them .. i ve been jealous.. i ve envied...i ve spited...i ve cursed...but i have never hated anyone in this last 26 years per se, i cant think of one person ...neither can i think of anyone who has hated me so much... again there are ppl who think m arrogant, m stupid, m selfish, m heartless, m an asshole... etc etc.. but jus plainly hate me for who i am? mayb someone does and i never knew it but it has never bothered me as much.. cos noone has ever meant that much to me in life to be affected by their vibes over me ... i am preacher of love and giving and wud foolishly give even if u keep on takin.. no m not proud of it .. i let ppl walk all over me cos of it .. it is my disease!

But NOW i feel hated... i feel hate vibes all around me.. don get me wrong.. its not bout family or friends they are all very supportive and infact takin all the shit i am givin them ...but there is hate and evil vibes all around me and i can feel it haunting me .. eating me alive...like a death machine...giving me brain shivers....am i paranoid...or am i really being hated so much? have u ever felt it? is it true? a vibe that can kill u .. looks that can give u a nervous breakdown...

Stand by Me - Part 2

2009-09-10T15:46:00.005+05:30

After wondering for days (months?) on how and what to do as a come back post... i realised today is the day to do it... i started this blog with the same post 'Stand by Me' and it worked out well for me i guess... and this day Sept 10th! 5 yrs back was exactly when the stand by me campaign happened in my life... those glorious MCC days ... as i always say the best yr of my life was 2004 and probably this day was the one or one of the reasons the year was made special...

I post the video which summarises everything i have to say about what happened on this day.. the script was posted by me in my first post.. this one almost has the same script but picturised so beautifully... with the best ppl i have met in life.. both my friends and my kids.. the place where i grew up and understood myself... i am a proud product of wat i have learnt from this place.. don get me rong.. not the college.. but the group and the activities... and yea bout my kids.. i don need a mention .. my blog is full of em .. here n there.. they need no introduction ..

So this is to my kids...after 5 whole yrs .. and not being able to meet em for almost a yr now... missin u babies... and for my friends and a best friend....i missed somewr down the line.. missing u guys too...if only someone cud take me bak to those days... i mite not b wat n where i am today... for the better or worse .. that i dono... but nostalgia kills me ... so wat's new?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V-maGSCVq7c

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gYKqkqRwLrQ&NR=1

Watch both the links - its a continuation of the same video ...

PS: wow i cud write so much .. y didnt i blog so long!

I do remember you my first love!

2009-07-13T16:35:00.003+05:30

Ahem...havent taken such a long break ever from the day this blog was started.. yes i have no excuses to make, i was absolutely jobless... rather i din have a job per se (i was still working trust me) and had all the time for my new za za zsu my recipe blog (wata b**** m still tryin to promote it) ... so no excuses i kno.. i have been a bad gal..i have lost almost all of u in this process.. but i pretty much needed this break from my personal blog..since a lota changes ve happened in my life and this place needed yet another new avatar.. if not a complete make over but atleast a pause and a start (ah! i found something to explain) ... watever said n done m jus hopin this time around it gets a new face an recognition like it did last yr after a small make over in its looks and tone and character too...

So i dono what to post on ... m sure u have guessed it by now.. but i have been postponin posting just due to this reason and i had to confront it by typing everything that comes to my head... thats how they say writer's clear their block usually... but if i write down everything on my head now .. trust me u don wnana read or come bak here once again . So i ve decided to take up this tag .. looooooooooong pending one tagged by i dono who all .. m guessing Renu, Nancy and Neetu and someone else too m tryin to remember...anyway this is to list out 25 random things bout me and m gonna do it rite away without yappin further....

1. Random things about me change from time to time. so wat i say now may or may not hold good in the past or future.. even in the recent past or the immediate future.. virtually this is a useless document we are preparing then ..

2. I think one word to describe bout me will be 'dependant', yea i can get dependant on anything from a person to a place to a substance to a food.. i am a parasite ... and a very loving one at that ..so there is always an addictive quotient in me .. both ways... easily addicted and very much addictive once you kno me ...

3. i can talk talk and talk for hours and you can kno my life history in a few hrs of conversation with me.. i cannot keep a secret even if it means to degrade my life into something very cheap i will still let the world know what it is.. uh i hate myself!

4. i am a set of extremes.. ritely called the undefined oxymoron formerly... i am an all or nothing person .. m either too happy, elated and jumping or down depressed and completely hate my life ...too busy or too lazy...too high or too low.. too amitious or completely laid back.. too level headed or too emotional... i can love u unconditionally or hate you with ultimate venom ... i can be an angel or a demon basically... but never in between

5. Okay enough of negative things bout me .. lemme c if something good there bout me.. i like helpin people.. does that count as positive? sometimes no... i jus cant say no and i go outa the way to be there for people .. and after being walked all over by others selisfhness i sit n cry in self pity .. but then again .. i like it that way u c!

6. damn i cnt even writ 5 things bout me .. i used to write pages... ok lemme make this snippets... hmm i love writing .. i can write thro out the day and still dream bout it like its a distant vision to achieve someday ... i write for my work.. i work for entertainment.. i write for time pass.. writing is my profession and my hobby and m still not gettin nuff of it!

7. i love kids.. anything esle in the world comes secondary to them...unquestionably

8. i am a sucker for love. period.

9. big time foodie.. doesnt need a mention

10. if u leave me alone.. i ll do crazy things to make sure i don need to stay tht way.. even if it means to destroy myself to get a release .. now thts something that surprising me too

11. i often feel lifes too long to live .. m sure not many feel that way...m too lazy to live thro all those yrs ahead of me

12. nostalgia kills me .. to an extent u won believe.. i can think of a place i lived for 2 days and die for it hatin where i am now ... and it continues ...

13. i ve learnt that life is a vicious cycle ,,, watever goes around comes around and keeps going and comin around .. even if u make serious atempts to put a full stop somewhere...

14. i crave for attention and appreciation.. wen i don get it i cnt survive... i begin to think m not worth living ... losin self esteem is the worst of me... i need to be motivated always (hint hint)

15. oh m already startin to feel i ve lost my readers and noone is gonna even read this shit y am i writing this now!... there u go.. told ya ...

Nah .. i just cant think of 10 more things bout me now ... and m sure u wud understd.. i ve said more than i need to in the 15 already! :) and m hopin to write something good.. in my next post!

Here Comes the Big Momma!

2009-06-10T16:11:00.004+05:30

Hey all! guess wat it is this time? I am 3 months-married and already have my 4th kid here! Too much to manage eh? ur damn rite! i got one more blog this time a recipe blog! i always wanted to start one but was too lazy and never had nuff time to cook and display :) So here it is for ur viewing pleasure anytime swarskitchen.blogspot.com, Brat will b sharing his preparations occassionally too since we share the kitchen u kno :P

What's cooking today?great free widgetsWidgetbox

Now go n chek out my new blog and tell me how it is :D

I wish...

2009-05-27T15:17:00.002+05:30

i wish the tv was a woman
and loved him back as much...
yes! i love him enough to wish for that
no! i don love him enough to wish i was her...

i jus want to feel jealous without feelin stupid!

Havent you checked it out yet?

2009-05-13T18:58:00.004+05:30

i gave birth to Poker-faced Parasite recently!

Where do i write now?

2009-05-08T13:47:00.005+05:30

Yay! i write news for metroplots.com, no m no real estate guru but yea i can write and hmm yea i can WRITE that pretty much makes me (rather i can make myself) a guru on any topic in the world! You can read it here http://metroplots.com/news/. But trust me, this is a really cool real estate site for chennai rentals and apartments for sale n stuff! Yea i am looking for new place to stay .... to make a home of my own :) they provide end to end solution to make a home for newbies like me http://metroplots.com/services/

Other than buying, selling and renting properties, this site is not a classified page per se, its fun to browse thro, the homepage tells u the per sq feet rate in every area in chennai, i loved that part.. so i can keep havin a watch on besant nagar and wait till the time i can buy that beach house!!!! Why am i promoting Mr. Metroplots here? cos i BLOG there and they reward me :)
and i thought i can let ya all kno so u can read my words of wisdom as well as write ur own and get rewarded too :) NO! i dont write for nothin, unless its on sansmerci.in :P

If you are completely clueless to write on such stuff, jus like me :D, u can also participate in the Facebook forum, join the group. http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/group.php?gid=42882173612&ref=ts, they have happening discussions there about best places to live in chennai to interior designing to what not?

Now lets get to business! You can join and blog too... how hard is it to write about our home? i mean the topics are not just limited to real estate so any of us who survive in any kinda place has something to write about! http://metroplots.com/blogs/

My winning post was on Vasstu Shastra (yea rite!) and this i din wanna paste again here, but since i havent written here in a long time, pls do read my post and pass on ur comments there :) http://metroplots.com/blogs/?act=detailedBlogs&blogs_id=13

PS: i ve a lot of tags to complete, i ve not been regualr on blogospehre, i been a bad gal. I will read all ur blogs, every post and comment in everything i promise, since m completely jobless starting today for the next infinite number of days to follow....

My experiments with love

2009-04-16T00:25:00.009+05:30

Warning: The following piece has a million repetitions of the word 'love' in it, buts its not remotely mushy other than the effect this word creates, but if ur still allergic to it, stay away!

Its been 13 yrs, my hide-n-seek with love began
It has made me laugh, cry, crave, die,
But that love - It has made me who i am
Love I heard of, love I been in and out of
Love that b and not to b, love that din let me b me

A love all divine, darling n grossly dedicated
And love absolutely illicit but as true as stated
Love lust desire and want - all around i saw....
But Love unselfish n unconditional leaves me in awe…
And there is a love-let-go-n-move-on love seeming more true!
This love I tell ya - whatever it is - it becomes ‘you’

Love i realised is total old-fashioned shit,
Its boring, dry and overrated…
The Love that made me feel hatred…
but hate then became another way to love
Love so strong that took me to my death bed
and love then saved me from the said…
funny its the same Love that spins me around
same but aint similiar, the stinkin ol’ freakin Love
that makes me feel dumb, when self-love takes over this loser!….

This love for myself that I betrayed until
A Love for the dark n bizarre, i fell
A love to hurt myself, a love to teach myself
In love with loneliness in love with emptiness
In love with love and the idea of falling in it
In love with anything that makes me forget my love

Love! Love! Love! When will u b over and done with me?
I wanna look around and there’s nothing else I can see
Love for money love for the poor,..
Love for crime love for justice
Love for control love for freedom…
Love for the sake, love per se…

Love, i had to write her off my life
Love, that cuts like a knife
Love, my inseparable insatiable wife!

With all the love from deep inside me, I brought strength
With all the love for my life, I lived again
With all the love I had for her, I took her hand for help
With all the love I had for him, I trusted to wait
With all the love, all the love, all the love for love
I fed her own medicine to her.. so Love, ur all I see now,
Blinding every other thought, faith or feelings…
Am love-numb, am love-cuffed, am love-blind
Yes am a proud useless wasted classic love-fool….

Am living Love
Anything else u hear, read or see is just material illusions of u mortals…

My husband is a....

2009-04-12T23:27:00.007+05:30

ahh.. well.. err... nothin... hmm now that ur here, lemme tell u, actually this post is here cos:

1. I just love saying 'My husband', what's better than having a post with that title in my blog.
2. I write a mandatory short post after the boring long one.
3. I am so bored, jobless, uninspired, unmotivated, feelin useless, good-for-nothing, pesty, etc. etc., but din wanna write a whiny-whiny post either.
4. I have nothing else to write on (unless u realise i've made good use of point 3 :P) but i don want to leave a long period of silence in here once again.
5. I just assumed that the mystery element in the title will bring in readers :D...............or not...!!!!!!!

and she will remain ONLY as a reflection in the mirror...

2009-04-02T11:10:00.013+05:30

La belle Dame Sans Merci.... i miss her... she used to be a part of me, she still is, quite literally, tatooed strategically so i can see her only thro a mirror....

but otherwise... swarna is born... this feb 22nd 2009 i realised the ME in me and have accepted myself to be swarna... the person i never knew i am but the only person i can be... i have let my spirit free and let it be what it has to....a person who always thought she should be loved for what she is and never wanted to lose her identiy just realised she din actually have an identity until she din mold it for her loved ones, the ppl she lives with, that is her real identity! and so am loving this change within and outside me! it wasnt surprising that i was least excited bout my bday this yr since i was still baskin in the glory on my wedding... in fact i still am.. m so high up there that it seems impossible for me to get down to my dark world, however hurt however sad however let down neglected or disappointed i feel... i still m up there, RITE THERE... the effect seems impossible to fade away. YES! i attained the summit, the highest emotional point in my life last month... or mayb i will go higher wen i hold my baby... ahh no mayb not.. cos i already am a mother and that gives me more satisfaction n happiness in life than anything else... and i think a woman is a woman only wen she knows she's a mother, not wen she actually becomes one, i ve felt a mother in me even wen i was 10, i ve felt it with my kids during college days and now i can feel it completely, so am i a complete woman today?

ahhh! i forgot the intro :D... i was supposed to write on something.. but this time there was no specific thing i wanted to write on, i was waiting for the last 40 days to think of a nice title and a hard hitting post about the wedding, feelings and values and the blah blah since i wanted the post after my wedding to be a super hit! but looks like i will not come up with any s*** and i was dying to write (don rem when i wrote last!) that i actually dreamt of blogging yday nite. One thing is that readers mite decide that i ve stopped blogging for good and another is that i mite forget how to write a blog. So today morn i woke and as soon as i logged into the internet, i decided to open blogger without second thoughts on what to write, how to write, etc. i kno there was lot of pressure as to how my post-wedding post will be and that definitely contributed to my not-writing-so-long, since i din want it to sound like i-am-the-only-person-married-on-earth or i-feel-married-and-so...hmm yea i feel married kinds :P (i really don feel like we r a just-married couple even for single moment!) but either way wud've been rong since i was tooooooo high and tooo low at the same time and i wudnt have been satisfied writing my emotions, as i was lost about how i am feeling. i think the highest degree of happiness is damn depressing, duh! thats so sansmerci, aint it?

The real reason tho is that i ve been travelin non-stop and din have any time to sit online, except for uploading pictures... wedding pics took a month :D and the trips (we r in the process of takin out moms around north, so mostly temples it is! :P) are half way uploaded and some more to be done (oh btw, we r off to varanasi and gaya tonite!)... and for the number of honeymoon pics we have, i think will take a year to uplaod, tho am completely jobless (meaning, m without a job), i cant find a single min to sit idle and write crap and bug u all which i used to do easily almost everyday wen i was working! so now i kno what real work is, its not sittin in front of a comp and pretend to be typin (writing) something, its managing a house that is the most difficult and most enjoyable and active job in the world and it takes a lot of energy, both emotional and physical, makin one feel actually USEFUL!

So comin bak to the topic, i decided to jus write today, without any apprehensions as to what to write and how it will sound or even without thinkin of a topic or message (posts without any message usually gets good response :D) i am a pro at non-sequential posts and so its better to start with a comfy post rite? (m jus amazed as to how m jumping topics like a train, i mean unlike a train... err...i jus m typin non-stop and gonna post this, readin it is ur prob!) and yea most ppl will jus b damn happy to c write a happy post m sure...

How does a fish feel in an aquarium? m a piscean, he's aquarian, that explains y he's 'home' to me! Yea the fish definitely suffocates in an aquarium after being in the wide sea for years, but she slowly learns to c the beauty of the place, the pains taken to make this new home a HOME to me and the comfort i have here than the salty sea, yea the sea is still freedom, the aquarium feels dependant but its special, its mine, its made specially for me with all the care and love! There are so many things m learning tho, which will b too long to post here, but i can put in a summary and say i am learning to live... and everyday is a lesson where m surprising myself beyond belief by accepting everything with a smile as life comes, to forget disappoints and hurts overnite or even over-a-second, to deal with sarcasm, discrimination, unfairness, being neglected, arrogance or indifference (these are things i used to fear more than anything in the world) like am watchin a movie (yea whoever said u need to sit under a bodhi tree to learn to look at the world objectively, u jus need to get married once :P), to not just give without taking, but to find happiness in it, to take inequality as love and to take neglect as responsibility... n most of all tht m not a kid nemore n i will not be taken care of that way :) NO! that i am not learning deliberately :D tho i am being reminded this strongly at every instance and change, i rebel! y not? i can b a mother and a kid at the same time, i think a good mother shud b a kid at heart to kno her kid well! No i will not get everything i desire anymore, its hard but i am tryin hard to let go of my ever-giving mother (like a kangaroo!) and be HER to others! In fact m so happy now that i jus m excited bout everything including the fact that being overexcited about anything is a grave mistake and i will only disappointed in the end, m sure u all kno wat i mean.. atleast the women who are married!

i ve never prayed or thanked anyone for the happiness in my life (if there was ever) but i jus wish i had someone to thank for this period in life, the one i enjoyed the most purely from within, even if i had been depressed all thro life, i think this ONE high tide in my life is more than enough to cherish forever! Someone once asked me if Brat did so much to me that m this hyper! I wudnt say YES or NO to that question, since its not just him, but it wud've been nothin without him. But yea its the whole thing, a new life, lifestyle, people, events, responsibilities, a home of my OWN!, a wedding that made me feel like a queen (even if i did it to myself, it still worked!)... yea i brought it from within, this happiness, this splendour, i wudnt owe it to anyone else but ME! I achieved it.... i finally found happiness in a place i never thought it is and in things i thought will hurt me and my ego...and found myself in the process... n Hell No i am not giving it up for anyone or anything, however hard u try to hurt me and turn me around to sans-merci....

Although she will definitely remain as a memory, as a reflection on the mirror, so i can rem that i was once this person... that i will never be again... and who am i today? i thought i will be Swarna Barath but NO i was wrong... the identity i can think of myself now... is of a Mother... and a mother can never be sans merci, can she? its virtually impossible!

So yea, if u think Swarna is married and she has changed, NO! she is a mother and she is just being one :) she is being everything she has to be and not what she wants to be, without regrets!

YAY! i wrote sucha big post with NOTHIN at all!!!!!
i can beat Seinfeld, can i? :D

The day I lived a million times

2009-02-18T11:59:00.001+05:30

So many thoughts flowing through my head I dono where to start and where to end this post...so forgive me if u find me more non-sequential then ever … well its jus me… as u kno…But m tryin to type this post on MS Word and paste on blogger so I can be more understandable.. haha now I kno the tuff times u all go thro.. Ms Word is spittin errors on me for every word! Some copywriter eh :P on my blog.. its simply freestyle!!!

ok! I am supposed to write about d-day! I am not outa topic actually, freestyle wedding it all started to be so ... then there were so many obstacles, so many disappointments, so many compromises, so many surprises,…. In the end…all’s well that end’s well rite! And this purification process is not just of my writing or my words it is of my heart, my body and my soul… I am in a process of taking all the dirt away, quite literally grooming at the salon and quite metaphorically within myself.. chasing away negativities…i don want to be sansmerci anymore.. i was never.. it was always my wannabe character and m happy won need to be nemore... so yes i am tryin to make myself pure and simple and blank for the day… the pure white dress a bride wears mite not b so in our weddings.. but it’s so in my heart…a new born with a lot to learn...

Where is all the nervousness, all the fear, all the anxiety I had over the last few months? Its not to b seen, m numb m blank.. I already feel married…

I woke up today and touched my skin, its clear, spotless…plain, well groomed… all-set to carry the bride thro a million glances on the day…i make sure not even a nail scratches my nose or a mosquito bites my hand.. but I can only hope it stays so forever… I hope my heart stays this pure forever….so does our love!

They say wen we tie the ‘notorious’ thali we become god and goddess ourselves for the moment …I never believed in the concept of thali… I always thought I wud never ever wear it in my life… the influence of Indian movies… the over stressed importance worked reverse on me.. its jus so that my religion 'love' doesn’t believe in material commitments and with or without the thali as against whats represented as our ‘culture’ thro media.. I wud love him and be his wife no matter wat… thts the reason I am already swarbrat everywhere tho some people wonder and even sent congrats messages assuming the wedding must b over! yes i choose to use his name with mine.. u mite wonder what happened to the rebellious gal who wudnt want to lose her identity.. this i do outa sheer love.. to kno m gonna be a new person henceforth with a new name.. and him a part of me.. all mine... i can feel the butterflies everytime i sign his name with mine...in fact itis not thati use myname more than my nickname.. tis onlynow that i have no apprehensions in using it.. i ve found myself and the confidence to show myself i cud say...

and yet again i surprise myself … cos in my memory .. in my mind… in my thoughts.. tht lil thali has got on my neck a million times!.. the moment which i thought meant nothin..the moment wen everything stops.. including my heart…m sure i wud love to jump and hug him tight..shut my eyes close and forget everyone around for the next infinite hours… but no I cant do that! Man! Do they even have a ‘u may kiss the bride’ in our tradition!!! I jus need a ‘u may hug the groom’ from the priest…

Every morn wen i open my eyes...its blisssss...m so not a morning person.. but these days are so different..m on cloud nine.. one more day has gone past...i imagine wakin up on 22^nd.. I imagine how it wud feel on the day.. I imagine myself in my pink sari dressed with all the bridal blahblah … they do have a bridal make up trial.. yes but once! But I have it all over and over again everyday … over and over again … a trial in my head… the way i shud smile...the way I wud walk.. I have no freakin grace and I only am more clumsy in a sari! I wud make the worst bride in history of our country.. runnin around in the sari… doin all the arrangements myself.. no delicate darling don-touch-my-manicured-nails-mite-break bride I can afford to me… I cudnt afford to even take rest for the last few days… I don think i'll get my beauty sleep.. I don think I ll be all calm and peaceful the day.. I kno i 've arranged everything to perfection and it shud work.. But still …. U know….i jus cnt sit for a min without the tension.. i feel guilty to watch tv for a few mins..really i jus cant relax!

But in my dreams.. yes I am… I am those fairy tale brides.. with all smokes and all around my legs :P and a few bridesmaids (I don even kno if i have ONE!) around me… and then ... and then...there is this feelin that am gonna sleep off! Seriously m not kiddin I woke up at 12 noon yesterday… can u believe I shud be dressed up by 7 in the morn on sunday! so I shud b getting up at 4 which means i sleep for 30 mins assuming that I sleep at my regular 3 or 3 30 am timing!i don rem wen i slept peacefully in the last couplea months.. eveerytime is shivarathri.. ironically my weddin reception falls on shivarathri itself! m sure i ll sleep like a log that day!

And then soon the day will be over… the day i waited for since I was 10 years old…i relished cherished and almost gave up will never come... and then it jus came and it ll go in a moment.. and we will be jus another married couple... all the drama all the importance.. all the show and care like we are the only people gettin married will fade out...i am not the centre of the stage anymore.. i kno i shud enjoy it wen i have it...the last 5 months went in a fraction of a second… I have totally lost track of time… a minute lasts for gazillion yrs and days last for seconds.. if u know wat I mean…

3 days and 5 hours.. I will be married.. I will be adopted into a new family.. a new mother.. a new brother… a new life.. I will be a new person…new home.. I will be born again that moment as a wife, a daughter, a sister, a more responsible and more matured person who has to lead a home of her own!

And no no high hopes! am not gonna leave alone even then...u will of course see me write all over again …

Mrs. Swarna Barath

The blogger formerly known as ~~Sansmerci~~

PS: i lost my blogroll list in this change...please leave a comment, so i can add u on my blogroll again!

The Art of Feeling Loved

2009-02-13T10:06:00.000+05:30

i dono wat to write on d-day as everyone asks for, but i cud start by my usual abstract ways..wrting bout something i ve learnt over these 25 yrs in my life....about love...

when does one decide to get hitched? how do u take the decision of living with someone all ur life, changing urself for them, accepting every disappointment, struggling through every obstacle that comes ur way and be strong that its 'this person' that will be committed too and wil never be tempted to choose anyone else... thats wen u decide to legally become someones husband/wife, the amount of confidence it takes on the other person is not simple... so much of insecuity, so much of apprehension, so much of fear of the unknown future... what breaks it allmakes the heart happy and long so deepyly for the day i ll be all his.. is the love...m sure u all wud agree.. if not for love.. flowers would've remained mere parts of a plant's anatomy...

what is this love that makes the world spin around and reproduce and changes the by-default selfish nature of human into a 'giving' nature? is it the attraction/crush i felt towards the 13 yr old boy wen i was in 8th std, and i thought i will be married to him one day after probably 20 yrs :P or the lengths i went thro wen i was 17 to make sure my family accepts my affair with my 'boyfriend' at school and get me married by the time i finish my UG! or probably run away with him wen m 18 and never turn bak...and yea live happily ever after like a movie couple!

Now i was 20 and i realised its time to move on...and i knew that family comes first and there's no better love than their's. I found a nice person at heart, who let me be myself, learn, grow up, no strings attached, no forceful commitments and posseiveness, no kiddish fites as with the teenage love... i felt myself grow in the relationship, made me see the world as a better place and more to life than all this... 'love' found yet another meaning in my life... but mayb i grew too much outa it...there are some people like a ladder in life u will never forget ur gratitude towards them and he's one of it, but i still din get enuff love i think ... mayb i am insatiable... and i had to fly... far away to learn life by myself.. independant of family and friends...

and there was another learning.. another life i had to learn.. the hard way.. and another love.. much stronger... much longer and much more important than anything i had in life... so is this love? the one i wud give anything for? i wud go thro anything for, I wud give my life for... i am 22, am i ready to commit to one person? how do i decide? u think u wud want to live with a person u love? hell no! i cud love a million people, once i decide on my life partner i cud love him to death, and thats how arranged marriages work rite? love is inside you and u decide who to shower it on....

so YES! the fact remains that u decide to live all ur life with someone with whom u FEEL loved! and it doesnt come so easily... its very easy to show love, to express it, to give, its too damn difficult to take, to find and to feel loved unless the person is someone who showers it everyday dramatically... and if u think its an energy that comes from the outside, i don think so, to feel loved is an art in itself, to feel wanted, to feel important, to feel special to someone, it takes so much strength within to know that ur worthy of this person's love esp. this person who u think is worth ur love. its once in a million yrs that these two coincide and thats wen u see the rainbows and butterflies in colors u havent seen since u were 13 and had ur different versions of love...

i, being a cynic, being a person with very low self esteem with high self-confidence, is the worst in this art, i cud be called a child's scribble at sketchin in feelin loved and watever u do, i will still feel unworthy of ur love...and then i decided to get hitched to the long term love of my life, only cos i love him and not cos i felt loved... i ran away from him who i was running to...n then i learnt my mistake...what was missin from my heart...i learnt it...yes i did wen i was 25, and learnt it religiously in the last one yr.. to know what love actually is, to know how to absorb it from everyday actions, to know thatur being loved and wanted... to ignore the fights, to ignore moments of anger, to ignore broken promises, to ignore being ignored.. and to c the whole picture... to see beyond material everyday happenings... to feel loved and cherished.. it comes from me.. its from within that it needs to start... its my decision to feel loved or unloved by someone...very simply taken from the decision he has made to love me forever....

...and then i found HIM, its been the same him for all the while but its a HIM in my heart now and it'll remain on the throne forever... cos i feel loved.. i KNOW he loves me come what may, expressed or implied... cos 'I' know it.. and i have learnt to know it....the art of feeling loved is the toughest to learn ever...and once u do... ur ready to start a life, a family, be THE mother to the entire family and give love unconditionally!

I AM READY!

Stop living mine...

2009-02-09T13:22:00.000+05:30

i never post one after the other..esp cos ppl take time to come to my blog and COMMENT but this time i felt i need to write bout this thing as soon as possible b4 the burnin fades out in me... or mayb it will never...

my blog is very laid back ... u may not agree...or at least usually doesn't talk bout current affairs be it bout obama or about mumbai attacks wen every single blog in the sphere had a mandatory post ... and now its bout the pub attack in mangalore...no i din wanna write on it either but my comments on other blogs started growing bigger and bigger tht i realized i've so much to say on this and m so angry tht i need to give this some space in my blog..

i am not angry or pissed or even bothered about that ram sena or whatever.. in fact me being an atheist i don give a damn if its ram's sena or Jesus sena or Allah's sena or whose ever ass' sena that are harassing gals in the name of CULTURE! so this is not about me opposing a particular culture or anything as many who i know would read this wud claim jus cos i don believe in religion, i respect everyone's rite to religion... and wud like some respect for individuality and choice of what-i-consider-moral and my culture too.. so the 'u' i refer to in the entire post truly represents MCPs i wud like to shoot if u gimme a gun now and not any group or sect in particular since i am blissly ignorant of politics, this is only bout ppl around me and their attitude...

first of all, i believe culture has to evolve, else we ' ll all still be cave men.. history is meant to be in the meseum and enjoyed on trips...i am very proud of my country its culture etc etc but i live in 2009 and let me live in the present and what i decide to follow from my ancestors due to my love and respect and belief in it is my choice and not urs...u can choose urs, i don bother u ...

i mean who are some desperate i-cant-get-those-independent-gals-so-they-are-sour-grapes men to decide what is moral and what is not? i don quite understand the situation here... what exactly is the prob? that they don get nuff? or they jus cant handle it? and which indian culture allows guys to harrass gals in public... i heard arguments like if the gals are bold nuff to come in public n drink they have to face such things from guys...yea rite! its like the burglar says if u have a house i will loot it its my birth rite its ur mistake to have a house and a life in the first place..jus cos its a burglar';s world and they make the rules!

i really think female infanticides are better off! atleast they kno wat the gal is gonna face ... sheer injustice and unfairness so she can rather be dead and gone than living in a man's world.. i was blind to the fact for 25 hyrs..i thought the world is a better place and there is so much freedom of 'will' for everyone ... but then i was wrong and i was hell rong in thinkin m for men and considered feminists to be hypocrites and dumbos and jobless ppl .. today i declare with pride tht i am feminist and there is nothin rong in it to equate the MCP's in the world from takin over completely ..If ur supportin for ur religion m supportin for my gender...

i am angry .. but with the ppl around me who think woman are weaker sex and so will they b ... and have to be... we choose to be moral... we chose to be responsible... we chose to be the mother (physically impregnating a child doesn't make one a mother she does it by choice)we choose to be a better person than u morally... and that shud be appreciated and not be taken advantage of ... u cant get certain things by demand and force, respect and love are few of em... sorry but how wud u know that?

what exactly is culture? (in ur dick-tionary).. cos i was thinkin culture is acting more 'evolved' and sophisticated and not barbaric...

guess anyone whose watched even a single Tamil movie knows the cliched statements...there are many guys i ve come across since childhood, who wen losin an arguement goes to the last resort of using this 'i can walk naked in public, can u?' thats the most loser(est) statement i've heard in life.. i think the answer is simple.. we jus choose not to.. u can afford to miss a copper ring in the crowd, try throwin a gold ring and c if noone flicks it... we r precious and we've made ourselves so... yes i have b**bs that u lust on and don have a d*** to f*** u? (oh how i wish!)now how does that make u a better person? i think that only makes me a better person than u in every way and gives the rite and need to decide if u shud come to the pub or not cos ur the one causing trouble here for me!

uff! that done ... i wud like to say that m proud to be a women who has sense, who has a mind of her own to discriminate between whats good for me and my family, how i shud dress where and for whom i shud dress and whom i shud care for ... and most of all, what my values my culture and my morality lies in ... and if in a country that claims to have got freedom of expression and will and rite to choose ur religion and culture...i am ashamed to be a citizen of this country hypocritically callin itself mother India and namin all the places and rivers after women... get a life... we don need to be treated as god .. we jus wanna be human...jus let us live...

well i can keep on writing..but seriously if someone can keep dictating terms to women jus cos they are not one.. i jus wish i can die now and be born a guy .. if thts all it takes to enjoy everythin in the world and lose nothin in return while rulin others lives as to what hey shud do too! wow! and say 'hey lady ur my god, ur the mother, ur cultured, ur pure, u jus have to be my slave and follow my rules to earn this name all ur life... and who am i to judge u? well i ll stray cos am a man'' i really wonder what extra horn men have! but m sure its not in the head...

No i am not in for pub culture... no i am not against it either.. i am for freedom of choice...i drink .. i dont.. its not ur prob.. its my lifestyle.. if ur jealous n cant take it ...well wat can i say...get a life .. hey wait! is the health of the young generation ur real concern? have some concern on the poor guys too then! cos if its spoilin my health in a way its spoiling urs in a worse way! close down all the pubs and make it a dry country (damn did i jus say that!)

or jus add a board in front of pubs sayin 'dogs and women not allowed'

and soon add it in cineplex's, malls, probably the beach too? cos i've seen women dressed in western outfit and hangin out with no CULTURE in these places too! and finally u can achieve ur target of not lettin us into the living room, in fact nowhere beyond the kitchen, bedroom and occasionally the bathroom if u permit... by say 2020? hurray! we are all getting civilized and cultured and (de)volved!

ok this post ll be come too huge to read soon.. so cuttin here i jus have few links to give ya ... here's some petition against the whole thingie which i don belive will do any good but if u do pls go ahead and sign it .. its against moral policing so i am for it.. whoever it is against!

http://www.petitiononline.com/SMP12345/petition.html

what can make me even more angry? c i don interfere in ur beliefs and religion...
well i believe in love ...its my religion and its one day i get to celebrate for my religion.. u guys have so many festivals! ur religion mite want to secure the past but mine wants to secure the future.. with more love and real values so i think i shud really stand up for this... here's a funny blog for valentines day thingie.. ppl who are opposing spread of LOVE in this country... join it if u believe in the V-day or in expressin love on any day for that matter!

http://thepinkchaddicampaign.blogspot.com/

listen to me Mr.MCP, this u really need to know, if u think woman don deserve love its nto affectin just them, if the future generation shudnt be born for love and only for marriage and sex, they will be born as loveless zombies attackin random women outa sheer desperation.. jus like their ancestors.. jus to follow tradition and culture blindly :) now go home and show some love to ur wife b4 she decides to run away...

Yes i fear the unknown...so do u!

2009-02-08T00:22:00.000+05:30

today

i wake up searching for my lost pot of gold
my gift of wonder, my art called words,
some more i lost they said i had
a heart of gold, the gift of love...
i ponder in silence till the mystery unfolds...

yet another day i lose it...
the gazillion flowers that bloom in my heart
my bed-of-roses-life made me smile cos i knew
i knew to express how it felt, pain and pleasure

cant make out anymore, in this sea of emotions
i sink deep and search...yet i leave unanswered
cos its a void at the temple of terror in my head...
so i suppress this pillar of hope to FIND ...

for now, i just decide to search, all that they said i had...

and maybe one day i will actually have it

within me

to let them know that losing is how u find it...

A tribute to the not so FAIR sex....

2009-01-16T10:15:00.000+05:30

sometimes life is so unfair...i know thats sucha cliched statement and u already kno this post is fulla my rants :P not really... i am a person who truly believes giving gives happiness and taking only leaves u feelin guilty and uncomfortable... but at some point a gal reaches saturation (Read men are from mars women are from venus!) i kno that book has inspired me lots mayb cos its the only one i ve read in life :D but seriously that almost seems like the story of my life and love ...mayb thats y it took me nuff interest to read it ....

there are many things money cant buy ... love is not one of it anymore... as lotsa ppl say and many ppl think and some people believe...but wat my life has taught me is that appreciation is one of it...it is probably the rarest commodity to get today and hence it is the biggest gift anyone can gimme.. now u kno y all my readers are so valuable? that wasnt said for the sake of readership but truly after all u do .. the least u can get is a smile of appreciation that u ve made someone happy with ur efforts...

like i had writen in my spiderman post... power does not bring in responsibility anymore..its more like someone has the power, some other the responsibility, someone else accounted for and yea the doormat does all the dog work! no m not talkin bout jus the work done or talent shown.. even love expressed ... wen not appreciated (note i din say reciprocated) is the worst thing money or anything u do for that matter can never buy... its jus so elusive!

y am i talkin all this shit? no m not in a good mood u got it rite! and i don even have the rite to trash it on my gtalk status anymore since m gettin married and anything i say in my status seems to be understood related to that! cant i have my usual mood swings :) ok if u don believe me lemme quote a small instance here...

There is young maid in our bangalore house say around 18 yrs old, who falls sick, and her sister (who happens to be even younger) comes to do the chores, i get pissed i tell my mom if she gonna let her do the work i will call the cops rite away for child labor!.. i am seen as an insensible idiot :( who lives by the text book rules ... mom promises to not let her work from the next day...so i look at this almost 8-yr old kid with her torn frock shown all her bak... and with that picture in my head i go to work... its disturbing me all day...i walk thro commercial street (as usual!) on my way bak home and those cute kids wear that i always love to watch and jus waiting to buy for someone n dyin to have kids jus for that sake! invite me inevitable.. i buy some and give this kid outa sheer selfishness of gettin the pleasure of buyin those cute stuff and takin away the guilt of makin the kid work for a day in my house and most of all make her promise that she will go to school regularly henceforth! *interval*

what happens next? she starts comin everyday to our house hopin to get something.. doesnt care bout school anymore.. tries to steal some cds... talks arrogantly to my mom...says that the dress already got old and she needs more after2 weeks... finally runs off with some 100 bucks and never comes bak... what do i get in return? everytime she does something i get all the scoldings like she is my kid! well words go like.. u think ur mother teresa ... u go buy that gal some crap she got on our heads... u jus dono who to trust... ur an idiot of the first order.. ur a fool bcos of u we lost a maid now.... u do all ur social service crap somewhere.. wat u think of urself don show off at home...etc etc.. i was left alone with a tear,... no i din have the heart to curse that kid even then ...i did it for my own pleasure... and i got bak nuff for it!

so that aside... y this title u ask as always... i kno ive always tried to be politically correct and try not to sound feministic... but wat the hell i am a gal and i need to relate wen the unfair sex sends unwarranted accuses in the form of forwarded emails.. oh yea they have this line always with it that says fwd to gals with a sense of humor only! i do have a betetr sense of humor than u wen the joke is on u :)

so this forward mail called 'guys rules' which has been comin to me for almost 3 4 yrs on a regular basis now.. always made me feel sick and irritated tho i never usually relate myself to gals (as most of u know!) with least gal friends to talk to know their attitudes and as most of my readers are men too i don even think of writing anything against them... but there were exceptions.. and this is one such post that will definitely start a controvery! but hey this thing made me feel too unfair on the part of the guys... which i ve quite learnt by experience is a basic characteristics of that gender...no wonder we are called the 'fair sex' and it took me too long to understand this!

so here it goes: My comments are in strong and bold letters! these are not my personal comments, infact some i don even relate to..like shoe shopping n stuff.. but yea 'i' here represents women as stereotyped to be as such!( i am not so.. but whats-ur-problem-even-if-i-am kinds!) :) and the 'u' here truly represents men who follow these rules.. if ur an exception don take it to heart... else pls do.. if u have one that is!

PS: excuse me for some words here.. i jus cudnt let out the frustration without the rite words!

The Guys' Rules
---------------------------

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally! , the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

Please note.. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men ARE not mind readers. - yea they are tube lites

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. - you just complained!

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. - yea its not, shopping is another form of entertainment and it takes some maturity to kno sports is not the only form!

1. Crying is blackmail. - indifference is not human

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!- yea we already know ur tube lites, we got it at the first hint!

1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question. - there is something called 'doin it for u' which leaves us with a 'maybe if u want to' but yea how will u understand what that means?

1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. - what exactly is ur boyfriend's a**-hole for?

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. - that means i need to c a lawyer u idiot! oh yea ur slow at getting hints rite! :P

1 Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days. - find someone with a short term memory loss

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys. - ur already acting like one here!

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. - if u think ur balding... don walk with me wen we go out! (since ur clearly shortsighted to see the extend we go to just look good for YOU !)

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one . - i jus heard u say 'm a loser'!

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. - u don have to tell it.. its apparent that ur good for nothing

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials. - well sorry i love commercials, cant take my eyes off them to waste time on u!

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we. - don waste the goddamn gas and my precious time for ur useless ego's sake!

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. - yea ur ignorant...so? wats ur point?

1. If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that. - very much! we will fart wen u want us to tip toe like a delicate darling in that high heels to ur friends party...

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act likenothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. - exactly y it wasn't worth tellin u wat was rong either!

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear - y do u answer where u don have to... shameless?

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine...Really. - watever makes u think m dressin up for u? don u c the million other eyes on me! :P (so u do kno it and want it rite... y r u in complete denial?)

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,or golf. - don marry me unless ur ready to go shopping for shoes everyday! :P

1. You have enough clothes. - u watch enough tv!

1. You have too many shoes - how come u noticed? i thought u have better work!

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape! - thats a good one... flicked from somewhere.. get real! don cry after i leave...

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight - one thing i accept :) but y just tonite? remember? we dont have short term memory loss!

i always considered women a mystery, men are so open and easy to understand! i jus cant get along with gals and they unanimously hate me i dono y! but i so wish i was a guy so i can fall in love with a gal madly... i think she'll be truly worth it physically and emotionally and morally....

Disclaimer: Like i said none of these are my personal things, its jus to get bak at this email forward i used to get... as lucky that i am.. i ve got a guy who is too broadminded and loving to be sterotyped into any of this... i had to say this cos my wedding is around u ppl shudnt take this personally! A guy with such an attitude wouldnt even be my last choice :)

A truly commercial post

2009-01-13T01:01:00.000+05:30

After a point of time.. every blogger becomes this... a bit of masala... tags.. awards.. nowadays awards don mean a thing... every blogger has a million of them listed in each post.. almost losin its meaning... but yea these ppl have been gracious nuff to remember me while givng out this award and am happy :) i ve such nice blog friends...but m not passin this on.. for reasons more than obvious.. almost every blogger on my blogroll has got em!

Multimenon thinks am a lovely blogger...

In his words, the award goes to bloggers who make you really feel at home with their super duper and fantastically calm demeanour plus loads and loads of fun and frolic lighting up the blogosphere with their priceless posts-hugely positive people if I am to say..

thanks a lot multi but b4 my readers hit me with rotten tomatoes and stones, i need to confess that i totally don think so.. lovely is probably the last word that describes my blog ... but u being the lovely person that ur... u've given it to me generously... thank u for that :) and where does calm and postitive even apply to me in the first place :D

Anoobhooti has given me this award that she says is given to blogs that invests and believes in PROXIMITY - nearness in space, time and relationships! These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in prizes or self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers!

Attention yes! i cant have enough of that ever (piscean!) and this is partly true since my blog does invest lota time on relationships and i always thought its something negative, but now Ive got an award n am happy for it... yes i am here to make friends and have a social life... happy to kno m good at it! :)

Now time for the tag (rem the song and dance sequences that has to follow the stunts in the movies? how can we miss em! its like that...)

Prasad tagged me (infact i seized it from him :P!!) i intentionally take up some tags to introspect more and most of all to fill up my blog space while m too hectic with work but still don want my readers to forget me... so this one's too damn easy! i jus need to do some coloring work..:P so i just happily took it up... so here i am highlighting things Ive done in life and not highlighting things m yet to explore! simple aint it?

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink- maybe wen i have a baby... oh well then i cant drink!

02. Swam with dolphins

03. Climbed a mountain

04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive

05. Been inside the Great Pyramid

06. Held a tarantula - duh wat?

07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone - dinner yes! bath?

08. Said “I love you” and meant it - all the time!

09. Hugged a tree - absolutely!

10. Bungee jumped - mayb never :D

11. Visited Paris - wud die to!

12. Watched a lightning storm at sea

13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise - stayed up sure, conscious not sure!

14. Seen the Northern Lights - i dono which side is north, but yea i ve seen lite on most sides...

15. Gone to a huge sports game - mayb i shud b doin this from now on :)

16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa - too much i say!

17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables

18. Touched an iceberg - i ve touched an iceberg lettuce :P

19. Slept under the stars - used to lie down on the terrace often once upon a time...

20. Changed a baby’s diaper

21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon

22. Watched a meteor shower

23. Gotten drunk on champagne - y not! its jus how u drink it that matters :)

24. Given more than you can afford to charity - feels dumb but feels good

25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope

26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment - sometimes i wonder if i just smelt laughing gas!

27. Had a food fight - come'on ur talking to a foodie :P i rem 12 of us jumping over a single piece of cake in school :D

28. Bet on a winning horse

29. Asked out a stranger - if making friends with strangers counts, m used to doing it all the time...!

30. Had a snowball fight - it wasn't as cool as i thought it wud be, it was freezing!

31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can - ask my mom bout that ;)

32. Held a lamb

33. Seen a total eclipse

34. Ridden a roller coaster - NEVER!

35. Hit a home run

36. Danced like a fool and didn’t care who was looking - huh! isn't that like a must wen ur drunk?

37. Adopted an accent for an entire day - for months wen i had to do 'customer service' to some dumbericans who need some words to be pronounced rongly to be understood!

38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment - I don believe i just highlighted that!

39. Had two hard drives for your computer

40. Visited all 50 states - y does everything have to be based on the US!

41. Taken care of someone who was drunk - me? that's the funniest thing i've heard in yrs.. but wait a min yea i have done that too once!... jus returned a favor to a friend who does it for me on a regular basis :) *blindy smiles*

42. Had amazing friends - for two whole years i regret letting go now :(

43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country - was too committed to take up oppurtunities ;)

44. Watched whales

45. Stolen a sign - watever that means...i 've stolen too many things to rem :P

46. Backpacked in Europe - yea rite!

47. Taken a road-trip - Of course Many!!

48. Gone rock climbing

49. Taken a midnight walk on the beach - yes on the Atlantic!

50. Gone sky diving

51. Visited Ireland

52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love - wow! that summarizes my life story

53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them - all the time! wat else will a lone restaurant hopper do :(

54. Visited Japan

55. Milked a cow

56. Alphabetized your CDs - i do arrange them once in a while, counts?

57. Pretended to be a superhero - as said in 'The Incredibles', well everybody's unique!

58. Sung karaoke - at home with friends yes

59. Lounged around in bed all day - mostly wen m sick.. n thats mostly :D

60. Played touch football

61. Gone scuba diving - mayb in the andaman this time (hint hint!)

62. Kissed in the rain - i ve kissed the rain tho :)

63. Played in the mud - always wen i was a kid

64. Played in the rain - love it!

65. Gone to a drive-in theatre - yea in Georgia

66. Visited the Great Wall of China

67. Started a business

68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken- wat is love without heartbreaks

69. Toured ancient sites - i live in an ancient city and its surrounded by many!

70. Taken a martial arts class

71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight

72. Gotten married - don think too hard! morally u kno :P

73. Been in a movie - yes .. no more questions asked

74. Crashed a party - hosts fear my entry :)

75. Gotten divorced

76. Gone without food for 5 days - Yes i crash dieted with nothing to eat for almost a month wen in college! Man wish i had the strong will to do that now!

77. Made cookies from scratch - YES with white chocolate and it was yummy!

78. Won first prize in a costume contest - guess wat i was? vegetable vendor :P

79. Ridden a gondola in Venice

80. Gotten a tattoo - Not 1 but 3 of them!

81. Rafted the Snake River

82. Been on a television news program as an “expert” - but m sure i will be one day soon!

83. Gotten flowers for no reason - got it once cos its a Wednesday from who else ;;)

84. Performed on stage - everybody does in school

85. Been to Las Vegas

86. Recorded music - yea on my comp by myself !

87. Eaten Shark

88. Kissed on the first date - how about the second?

89. Gone to Thailand

90. Bought a house

91. Been in a combat zone

92. Buried one/both of your parents

93. Been on a cruise ship - a casino cruise that is!

94. Spoken more than one language fluently - English, Tamil and Tanglish!

95. Performed in Rocky Horror

96. Raised children

97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour

98. Passed out cold - in most parties!

99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country - in another couplea months :D

100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over - shifted countries to start afresh...

101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge

102. Sang loudly in the car - car or bike but i definitely do!

103. Had plastic surgery

104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived - yes it still hurts my head after almost 8 yrs :O

105. Wrote articles for a large publication - used to write for Gokulam as a kid and yea even now i ve had my poetry published and stuff...

106. Lost over 100 pounds - duh! i only weigh around so much

107. Held someone while they were having a flashback

108. Piloted an airplane

109. Touched a stingray - excuse me?

110. Broken someone’s heart - YES and everytime i get my heart broken i mock at myself mercilessly saying 'what goes around comes around'

111. Helped an animal give birth

112. Won money on a TV game show

113. Broken a bone - Yea...both my head and tail to be precise :D

114. Gone on an African photo safari

115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears - nose! but not anymore

116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol

117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild

118. Ridden a horse - think so wen i was a kid...

119. Had major surgery - appendicitis is major?

120. Had a snake as a pet

121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon

122. Slept for 30 hours in a 48 hour period - lemme first learn to sleep 8 hrs!

123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. States - only US! :(

124. Visited all 7 continents

125. Taken a canoe trip

126. Eaten kangaroo meat

127. Eaten sushi - hate it

128. Had your picture in the newspaper - Yes, for partying at 10D!

129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about - i wish!

130. Gone back to school

131. Parasailed

132. Touched a cockroach - eeeeeeeeeks no!

133. Eaten fried green tomatoes - hmm think so... somewhere... never mind...

134. Read The Iliad and The Odyssey

135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school and read - yea merci ;)

136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating

137. Skipped all your school reunions - seriously i missed almost all my friends weddings... school and college...

138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language

139. Been elected to public office - was elected as SPL in a school i joined the previous week and left the very next day :) !

140. Written your own computer language- written my own language on the computer!

141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream - yea wen i get to write for a major client or simply get some appreciation for my reviews :)

142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care - i didn't put him exactly but ive seen him there almost half his life and more than half of my childhood...

143. Built your own PC from parts

144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you - i consider sellin blogspace to someone unknown as equal to this.. but anyway all my freelance work are my art (of writing) sold to someone unknown rite!

145. Had a booth at a street fair - inside college tho

146. Dyed your hair - almost every color u can possibly think of!

147. Been a DJ

148. Shaved your head

149. Caused a car accident - Car? nope (saved!)

150. Saved someone’s life- i ve been underweight to donate blood..mayb i shud try now!

Uff! that took much longer than i thought...any of u wanna takeup the tag? pls feel free to seize it like i did! will c ya soon with more time on my hands and a proper post to read :)

Join the Celebration of Our Love...

2009-01-06T11:14:00.000+05:30

What else could be my first post for this special year?

Here it is!

Would love to see my blogging buddies on D day! But for obvious reasons i cant put up the venue in here (esp after the kind of attention this post attracts! :P). So if you are in Chennai and genuinely interested in seeing me in that bridal wear and hog on some yummy wedding dinner, pls take this as my personal invitation and i shall send u the venue by email, but do send me a pic of urs with that email u send, so i don look blank wen i need to introduce u to Brat :D!

PS: Keepin this post short after learning a lesson from the previous...

PS-2: Now i know y i cudnt write poetry for almost a year, looks like i saved it all for my wedding invite! Comments welcome on that pls :)

Design courtesy Anand

Resolutions and Reflections

2008-12-30T12:03:00.000+05:30

Guess whose bak?...errr... I mean who's bak! Feels nice to sit in office ... relax ... browse... chat and blog in peach once again! Seriously, there is no other heaven!

End of the year and i have loads to post, but i decided on doin this as my last one for the year! This blog that brought me bak to life everytime i decided to walk away and took all the bashings with no complains... deserves a lil promotion here, don ya think? Here's a small presentation on a list of posts that mean somethin to me, its a special year cos it went from a blogspot to have a domain name and will soon become a part of a site, it became what i wud proudly call 'popular' than 2007 with massive increase in readership all of a sudden in 2008... and of course the contents changed and the tone changed in this new birth... but the attitude remains :) and it always will!

Before i write bout my favourite posts... i decided to chek out my last years' new year post and resolutions... and here it is

HAPPY HAPPY NEW YEAR 2008!

Check out resolutions! man! have i followed any? u gota tell me that... but lemme see...

(resolutions cut paste from the last post is in bold and my reply to it now is in italics for ur reading convenience :))

I will believe in love once again.. will fall in LOVE once again with all faith and belief and make it the perfect relationship I was looking for

ahem.. YES.. i have made a impressive attempt at that and succeeded in believing again!

I will be a happy person; I will bring happiness to people around me. I wont get into my lonely dark world and cry out for love.

Frankly, i ve done my best on this but m sure i ve loads to improve! i stay strong, but get into swings and phases, tho not as strong or long as before and still do and need to get over it...

I will find my career in writing with confidence by writing positive, thinking creative and most of all have a good self image

You gota gimme a pat for that! I have turned this blog into somethin almost positive from a dark hole trap! and yes i am in advertising now which i never thought i will be wen i wrote that post... and 'burrp' is a heaven sent boon...!

I will take care of my health and body to feel good looking again... eat right... work out

i did i did ... but lost it somewhere in the end again ... but not giving up... doin it again!

listen to the one person who loves me unconditionally keep her happy by being happy and a good gal

NO, i didnt do that but i will take the resolution again this year, although its too late for me to prove it to her nemore :) i will try!

yes am trying to become a teetotaler (really really com’on!) and am sure I’ll achieve it soon

i kno some of my close friend who read this last year had a good lauf... what say now? No m not a teetoler... but not an impulsive abuser or a party animal nemore! i mean i don even rem the last time i got high :)

On a second thought, man! that sucks.. is this me? hey is there a new year around anytime for an excuse? :D

travel the world or atleast DREAM and plan for it and work for it

not really...i can still do it... never late.. i ve explored a lot more than i have in all the 25 years b4 this...i shud say burrp has changed my life a lot, it has inspired me and motivated like anything else.. i swear i realised it as i type this post, i ve never had responsibililty and i ve never known what my interest was ... something that made me proud of myself for the first time :)

now y did i reply that to that... watever

visit my kids often love them more find more kids and bring more happiness to myself!

NO i didnt do it.. i hate me.. i'm giving myself this year one last chance b4 i decide to hate myself for life

follow what life has taught me

I have followed this religiously this year, and giving out advices like a moral saint too!

YES! I will DREAM! I will LOVE! No force inside or outside me can stop it again and if it does m gonna throw it outa me or outa my life

YES i did dream i did love with all my heart and clearly neglected any force that even showed any signs of negativity wen i dreamt or loved... i didnt throw those outa my life but i have learnt to ignore and dream & love for my own happiness selfishly! if u kno wat i mean, else never mind!

I am sure I’ll be on my blog in 2009 Jan! Lets c if I keep up all this then I’ll b a better person definitely in love (probably married) :D with lotsa kids where ever I go.

and so here i am being the good gal that i promised to be, keepin my word and leavin to open consideration if i did follow my resolutions sincerely to you all, but yes i kno i am a better person than i was this day last year and i hope to be even better person, but the best wife, DIL and SIL at the first attempt itself hopefully :) So the probably-married part is changing to a will-be-married in this post!

The goth inside me has died for sure, although i miss her at times, i do feel its all for good, that was a time i wondered if its even possible to be happily happy and how much pleasureable can it be than being depressed! i partly believe in it now too, there is a pleasure in being depressed which once tasted is tuff to come out of, but no i don wanna hurt ppl around me nemore and m happy tht i ve started lovin happiness for a change or atleast m tryin to at most times! OK cuttin the non-sequencial train of my restless mind... lemme list my all time favourite posts here!

My first post

STAND BY ME - will always remain special to me cos its bout the closest thing to my heart, something which has such an effect, that ur opinion can make or break my relationship with u

Not man enuff for me - that was my first controversial post, i kept in my draft for days and finally wented out the frustration with the courage to post it, tho there were a lot more horrible ones that took over, but first always feels good!

No means maybe Yes .... - Speaks a lot bout me and my weaknesses

I don believe in 'Life After Death' - startin of a phase i went thro... i dread those dark days even to read on words now!

socially dead virtually alive - something to ponder!

Raindrops n Seashore .... - wen i fell in love...

Frozen chilli - one of my favourite dark poetry

za za zsu - i love crushes!

Quotable quotes by Sansmerci - :P

MAn! i feEl LikE a wOmaN !! - short and sweet post!

i cant write for nuts .. u FOoooooooools!! ... y d... - u really have to read this, takes just a second... trust me... duh! me and my mood swings..

Who broke my penance of death ??? - wen i hit rock bottom!

Flirtin death - truly from goth!

rEbOrN 2 lIvE tHiS dEatH aGaiN? - very short but not so sweet post!

Wanna know how long u gonna live? - this gets the highest hits on my blog! i dono y!

BUT in Chennai! - that brought loads of attention

Forgive me spiderman, for i think otherwise! - i simply like it for the title, i am a genius uh! ;)

Wise men say only fools rush in... - seriously nobody understood this one liner post, so i like it!

A letter to my 18-year-old self - i tagged myself and jus poured my heart out!

Torn apart..... - somethin i thought noone will understd, but i was surprised at the response!

i jus realised most of my favourites are from older posts, recent posts seem more commercial eh! and the epitome of it i shud say is this one....

Push up my bra like that, Porno Paparazzi girl... - needs a special mention cos ... its a post strongly sayin that its not just sex that sells and the post by itself proved it rong, it gets me readers and hits from every tiny town in some corner in the world every single day like noother post ever has for me, jus cos of the words used in the title, yea its the sex that sells this post more than anyother in my blog! A true oxymoron in itself!

And yes i wanna tell u my favourite comments too! wait wait... don run away... i kno m already yappin for too long... so instead m gonna pass on this award given to me by Reflections to my favourite commentators, her rules are simple

Display the Award in your page
Award them to your favourite commentators.
Ask them to forward it to their favourite commentators.
And dont forget to link their page to their names.

I wud like to thank all my readers but specially thank the commentators who take an effort to leave their opinion n motivate me and this award is for the extra special people who are here regularly makin me feel alive and important, so i kno i am not blabbering to myself here, i do have an audience for the crap i write ... So here we go, this is for u for puttin up with me :)

anoobhooti - Renu! am sure she knows this is comin to her first! i was unknown, unsettled, unorderly and almost felt unwanted in this blogosphere until i knew that she'll be among the first few to comment... n i try to watch my language too for her :) (ah can u believe i jus said that?)... and yea she is my lucky charm, somehow after she started makin visits, this place has become a picnic spot :) my circle of blog friends has increased invariably!

mysoor pak conversations - Edita... i dono this felt nice, she actually mentions my name in her blog and says i motivate her, seriously love the way u write comments like i mean a lot ... wen i wonder if i actually did mean anything at all!

The fat lady's rantings - Tess! came outa the blue, first person who caught me on orkut, made me feel like a celeb!! tho now i have most of my blogmates on FB or orkut ... felt good the first time... hurray! somebody actually read me and wanted to kno me personally, howzzat?

Reflections - i asked for this award and she jus happily handed it over to me, what other reason do i need? haha... frankly, a very good source of encourgement thro her regular comments!

Psychedelic - i shudve mentioned her first as always, but she been busy lately :P but m sure she's one of the very few committed visitors and commentators on my blog from day 1 i mean post 1!

Nautankey's Stage - i shud confess, i was actually thinkin its a 'she' wen i read his comments, then i knew its a 'he' wen i read his blog, i was surprised... no offence to guys... but its true, i can make out a male comment from a female comment... but seriously this was deceptive, but thts wat i like bout it!... my latest commentator but a loyal, genuine and unbiased one at that!

Multimenon - Ah how did u slip my mind! sorry multi, tho this comes late to him.. i kno hes totally worth it being a regular motivator at my blog here! and m sure he ll be there this year too! and yea thanks for writing EVERYTIME :) without fail...

VJ - i cant link vj cos he doesnt have a blog, so i had mention in the end, tho it hudve been on the top otherwise! Someone who has always been here and who i kno will always b! and no matter what s*** i write, it ll be a frank and honest opinion on it for sure.. so that i ll kno what to do next time! the blog wudnt have passed even the first yr without ur support :)

B - there's nothin like hearin from the other half, i jus love every bit of wat he has to say to me good or bad... who takes an extra effort to kno me better? i mean even better? and more better!

ahh.. that has come to become a longer post than i intended to make it into... but i still feel incomplete....did i forget something? ... hmmm...did i?....

oh yea Happy New Year! Have an awesomeeeeeeeeee 2009!

This will be a special year for me, i will be born again as a new person with a new family to take care of! i hope and wish it will be a special year for you too, in a way or the other for sure!

c ya all next yr.... muaaaaaaaah :)

Who says you cant go home?

2008-12-15T12:03:00.000+05:30

As the humid salty and hot early morning wind blew swiftly across my hair and face wakin me up bak to reality... bak home... bak to life or lets say my life.. or even better wen i say my kinda life...i almost instantly started typin in my mind... this post... the one on Chennai and the feelings and emotions associated with it ... CUT! (i did try writing like a writer... didnt i?... no? ok forget it...lets continue b4 i lose sequence once again :D)

i kno i kno.. m a drama queen.. i jus been outa the place for a month or a lil more now and i already feel nostalgic wen i get bak there for a couplea days.. But man! home is home rite? i felt the same way after i returned there in '06 too.. a place ive never left for more than 2 days.. i left for a year and a half... everyone said i ll start to hate it once i leave it.. but i only fell in love with it more.. in its absence or my absence in it.. and comfort'll spoil u eh? whoever says home's not comfortable? is, according to me, an emotional orphan...

This time the problem was a different one! My train to Chennai is at 11 45 PM in Cauvery Express and i casually watch the news (which btw in itself is news!) and the headlines go like1. Tight security in airports and railway stations (rite after mumbai attacks!), many flights were cancelled, 2. the water level (esp in my area) in Chennai after cyclone 'Nisha' was still horrible and ppl were travelin by boat, and there was a cyclone threat the very next day wen i had booked my return ticket!, 3. the babar masjid thingie was on that day....ahm.. Dec 6th i guess? and so there was for threat in public places...no wonder! and 4. was the best..our very own cauvery issue and there was some problem being created in trains between no-points-for-guessing where? Bangalore and Chennai of course (Remember Cauvery Express?) ... When everyone said i need to cancel my tickets! There i stood... brave and patriotic :P WHO SAYS I CANT GO HOME? After all i was there so many years and ppl are scarin me from goin there for a day? i went, i suvived and am bak! with all ur blessings i must add :P

Ah! i never want religion or politics in my blog thts the main reason i never wrote bout even the cruel mumbai incident... but somehow it peeps in.. i truly hate these subjects partly due to irritation and partly due to my ignorance which u wud be knowing by now!

So now comin bak to Namma Chennai ... as soon as i got down in the chennai central station, wow! the smell of chennai, hated by many, i jus took a deep breath... m homeeeeeeeeee! and the notorious autoguys! how can someone even start writing a post on Chennai without a reference to them? As they approached me buggin like pests to give them a share of my non-existant fortune to drop me home... i usually bark bak releasing half of my frustration from the journey... but this time i gave a knowing smile.. that meant so much to me... things like oh-how-i-missed-this and gosh-this-never-changes...and a lot more! Yea i kno the auto guys must've thought m nuts or i din understand tamil or m another tourist to milk from! .. duh who cares? there's a flashback already reeling in my head...my eloquence in Chennai Tamil, my days of outsmarting the smart auto guys.. my rides to office... my fites with the auto stand group and my pride in marchin away from them ... (well u'll never kno the kidnap and rape scenes that run in my head wen m doin the forward march... hmm unless u do some sorta psychic reading or read this post now of course!)

...and wen the auto started and sped away 15 kms in 10 mins! the humid salty hot wind blowin against my hair...reminded me once again... this speed.. this rush.. i missed it.. everything seems slower wen m not in Chennai... life comes to a full stop or at times some dots like this... a very long one in that...even the autos are freakin slow leave alone missin my dear bikey ... sometimes i jus feel like gettin out and walkin along with the 'ricks' in bangalore! People say m too damn fast, i need a speed breaker... now i kno where i got it from.. its in the blood i c, its in the brought up! Who else brought me up u think? Other than the city that made me so strong, taught me to be shrewd and told me that am capable... and whatever and everything that is i am today... i can survive and adapt to any place with the lessons learnt from this place called Home... where my heart always is... and will be...

So i say with pride today... u can take the gal outa the city, but u can never EVER take the city outa the gal! WHAT SAY?

PS: Before you ask me or come to a decision about my 'titling' skills, why do i name mosta my posts after a song? One, cos it easily comes to my head, two, cos it gets a lota hits and brings in new readers from google...i kno wat ur thinkin...shameless! :P

Outta the Blue...

2008-12-10T17:14:00.000+05:30

Beep Beep

Busy?

Beep Beep

What will a single woman be busy with at this time in the nite?

Beep Beep

(Absolutely outa the blue) Do you think Indian women are less Virile?

Beep Beep

Duh wat? (bad vocab for a copywriter i kno i kno :))

Beep Beep

... are they less horny?

Beep Beep

whatever makes you think so?

Beep Beep

It's just a general opinion

Beep Beep

I dont think so and its too huge an issue to be generalised so easily!

Beep Beep

I am not generalising but it jus seems so

Beep Beep

i think talkin bout sex esp by women has been considered a taboo in Indian society and that makes women shut up when they feel horny but that doesnt make them any less hornier than ur and i don think its the case anymore.. infact women are becomin too open about their sexuality these days much beyond men do..don u watch movies.. y r u thinkin so conservative.. wat makes u think so.. i think ur judgin on the basis of someone u kno? Do you think its good that they are less horny or do u have a prob with it? and what is rong if they are.. its not that they are.. but i strongly feel that u need to wake up to the present... times have changed and u have to agree... Ding! SMS limit reached

Trin Trin Trin

Me: Hello?

snakecharmer: Wow u actually picked up a call? Are you ok? why do u get so tensed for this?

Me: i am not a 'fone' person u kno...fone calls make me feel weird! i can yap away in person ...or am better on sms or even better online! i've already started bloggin bout this in my head!

snakecharmer: Man i wudnt write such a thing in my blog...

Me: There u go... so ur less hornier than i thought eh!

snakecharmer: Cme'on Sans... my parents'll read my blog.. my cousins will.. my bro will!

Me: So what.. so does my mother.. so will my MIL soon! What else is bloggin there for.. and how do to expect ppl to be interested in ur blog otherwise?

snakecharmer: hmm...why dont you write on how not to flirt with women? i'm sure u've met numerous guys who've hit on u having absolutely no idea how to do it!

Me: i cant write on a given topic! i suck at it!

snakecharmer: Trust me Sans .. u'll write very well on it and it'll be an instant hit!

Me: silent

snakecharmer: How about this? "How to give men sleepless nights" atleast dont say u dont know how to do that!!!!

Me: yea rite!

snakecharmer: Trust me, it will make an interesting piece for ur readers... i've tasted both beauty and wine and wud say without a doubt that beauty is more intoxicating than wine...

Me: silent

snakecharmer: Man! what does a man have to do to prove himself in these situations...

Me: silent

snakecharmer: (giving up) Hmm ok I think u shud jus stick to wat u do best?

Me: and that is ...?

snakecharmer: FLIRT!

Bang!

Beep Beep

Ok now tell me ... Wassup????

What am tryin to say? well first and foremost.. i ve forgotten how to write a post! been busy.. yea u read it rite .. for a change i was busy with work.. and squeezin in time to read other blogs now and then ... and yea i've been thinkin wat to blog on but hell cudnt get anything at all.. i need a lota inspiration i see. the more happier my life's gettin the worst my words are gettin ... now i dono if i shud hope for a better life or for better words? it is a tuff decision i tell u .. knowin how much my words mean my life to me!

Anyways the above conversation raised a lot of 'whys' in my head which i thought i ll put down here since i have nothin else to write about and i dont want this blog to be forgotten until my brain resumes bak to actually writing something read-worthy, if it ever does...

So here it goes:

Why are women who speak bout their sexuality casually considered an outcast? or are they even considered so anymore?

Why is that a man who is not horny nuff incapable but a woman who is too horny a whore?

Why is SMSing/chattin and blogggin more comfortable to express views and opinions? Or is it just me?

Why do women never believe men and men always wanna prove themselves?

Why is beauty considered more intoxicating than wine? or is it not?

Why do people generalize so much? Is it impossible to not judge? i mean i am already generalising here!

Why are grown-ups scared to let out their opinion in public? Who are we hiding those public secrets from?

Why do conversations between the opposite genders always involve something that is considered not-so-appropriate to be considered interesting?

Why am i not good at anything else but flirting?

Why the hell do i care?

PS: I am having a painfully severe block, can u suggest something i am good at writing so i can refresh my blog from the next post making it read-worthy? or mayb u suggest i take this as a sign and shut down this blog for good and give you some peace eh?

Tagged with a difference!

2008-11-06T15:35:00.000+05:30

Singaporean Indian tagged me but since i ve already done the tag, he has graciously let me flick one of his old tags that i liked a lot :) So here it goes... trust me .. u ll enjoy this more since there less blah blah of mine in this one for a change :D

The rules are simple:
Answer the questions below and do a Google image search on your answer, pick a picture from the results on the first page, with minimal explanation (alrite i get ya.. no BSing around!)

1.) The age you will be in your next birthday: 26

Yea Rite!

2.) A place you’d like to travel to: London

Beautiful!

3.) Your Favorite place: Home

Cute eh? :D

4.) Your favorite food/drink: Eggs/Iced Tea

HAHA!

Awwwwwwww!

5.) Your Favorite pet : babies are considered pets? i prefer human to animals!

Naaaa.. Not really :P

6.) Your favorite color combination: Blue and white!

Duh! wat?

7.) Your favorite piece of clothing: Shorts and tee

Ok now i didnt do this to get more traffic.... damn i shudve said swimsuits ;)

8.) Your all time favorite song: Krptonite by 3 doors down

Mu ha ha ha ha ha ha... roflmao!

9.) Your favorite TV show: Seinfeld Of Course!

Gosh i din kno which pic to select in this one.. all were so funny.. was actually tempted to see the second page and cheat... but swear i didnt.. anyways settled for this one... oh sorry.. i am supposed to keep it short :)

10.) Full name of your significant other: Hmm lets call him Brat :)

uh! that actually reminds me of my bro.. how true of big bros eh?

11.) The town in which you live in : Chennai, and now Bangalore.. so which one?

That explains the traffic!

so u kno wats what :)

12.) Your screen name/nickname: You kno it!

Holy crap... who dat??? :)

13.) Your First job: Frost & Sullivan

Why? Why???????????

14.) Your Dream job: M living my dream job - an ad copywriter

:P

15.) Bad Habit you have: Shout at mom

How true :D

16.) Your worst fear: Being unloved

Now who drew my mind and posted it on google images?

17.) The one thing you’ll like to do before you die: Build an orphanage

same to u man...now wait ...is that a good sign?

18.) The first thing you’ll buy if you get $1,000,000: Two tickets for a trip around the world...

OK! THANKS!

ahh its over! ok now wat?

PS: tagging - anoobhooti , Reflections, The fat lady's rantings, mysoor pak conversations, Inexplicably, The Multi Menon Chronicle, Obscurity Speaks , The Praveen , Psychedelic, It Belongs To Man To Err!!! , Frankly Speaking and the very new entry Ma Silly Blog!

Back BUT from BANGalore!

2008-10-31T12:49:00.000+05:30

Hello pplzzzzzzzzzz

i c u missin me bad eh ... i ve been missin internet n blogsphere bad too!... reason: 1. the rain, 2. the diwali, 3. the bangalore and 4. the wedding :)

Firstly, the rain... will u believe me if i told u it took me 4hrs and 15 mins to reach less than 15 kms (from nungambakkam to velachery)? well if u don here is a photo story i did on the same... chek it out!

http://picasaweb.google.com/sansmerci/TheJourney #

Check it out n tell me how it is?

i, for a change din curse my bike, my fate and the ppl around but sat in an autorickshaw, took pics and had fun in the flood! seriously... the anti-anxiety pills r workin eh ???... ofcourse it does at least on my appetite!... hope i don gain bak all the kgs i lost ... i jus started lookin mlike myself again after all the med stoped..uff again..atleast not for the next few months until .. until i am no more single and (may or maynot be) available ......oh yes! thats the big news i wanted to share in the last but one post... and thats the point number 4 in there 'the wedding' is on feb 22nd '09 :) and m already on my toes running around for it since point number 3 happened i.e., i had to rush to bangalore.. where i am rite now n will b for some time i guess... the point 2 is understood i guess.. but this time diwali was special and so much fun after say 10 yrs? i was a kid again and hope to b ever after from now on :)

I hope m not a runaway bride since m sinkin knee-deep in cold feet... that shud b called a cold leg i guess..i jus dono wat the future holds.. as of now m excited bout the weddin than the marriage.. if u kno wat i mean..n if at all i have to b married after the wedding.. for that sake.. i can compromise ;)...but on a serious note (if it sounds so)... i really am lookin for a miracle... to either change my mindset or my life.. as of now the docs taken over again... no m not bak to help to my kryptonite.. i guess i ve grown up for good...

With that note i wud like to finish two of my leftover tags... sorry ppl for this late compliance.. but u shudve known sooner or later i will do it.. the love i ve for tags and talkin bout myself...

Psychedelic tagged me to write 4 random things about myself.. boo.. i write so many random things bout myself all the time that half of u cnt make sense of.. anyways since she asked for it and i don like disappointing friends :P.. here it goes...

random 1: i talk too much to many people and too little to some people.. i dono y.. but wen i talk its jus random with no sequence of thought or logic.. i jus don think .. one topic to another i jus have to spill it all out else i ll feel so heavy and incomplete and kinda disoriented.. i dono .. i really dono y!

random 2: i have a very low self esteem but very high self confidence...don ask me how.. am askin myself too!

random 3: i am very very i mean really clumsy.. i cant behave.. m worse than a kid.. i cant eat without spillin my food.. i cant walk without tripping.. shit m a slapstick freakin clown..m not comfy in anything but casuals ...so not elegant to be called a gal... and can easily be befriended and also laufed at by any kid below 5..

random 4: i cant write wen under pressure, i jus cant ... and if m forced to i get tears and i hate myself for being a bad writer that i start thinkin of other career options... but wen nobody bothers me the words jus flow outa my bloody head for no reason.. n i jus bug ppl to read it ... n i jus get so proud of myself and my life...

Now Anoobhooti tagged me to write 5 of my addictions, now thats simple and even u cud answer it if u jus hit 5 random posts of mine int he last 2 yrs... anyways....

Addiction 1: OFCOURSE the internet, i live on it, eat and sleep internet.. wen i don have access, i feel like my life line is cut and i mite die any minute.. yes i can live without oxygen but not the net.. i have no real friends.. n all my used-to-be real friends if any i ever had are in touch only thro it.. no internet.. no merci.. no swarna...

Addiction 2: Love and pampering.. i cant be without being loved and pampered ..the min i feel m not loved i start questionin my existence and decide otherwise.. dangerous and emotional addiction.. but beyond my control..mayb thats y i jus cant stay single even for a day ...

Addiction 3: substances yes! but no! i mean its like on andoff wen m really emotionally down .. i jus need somethin to get me either high or low... i cant deny it... n i wont.. but i ve absolutely got over it... alcohol is not my thing tho.. it used to b.. wen i m happy or sad to celebrate or to drown myself in it...but my kryptonite viz. my happy pills have and will always be my weakness.. the min u hurt me its the first thing on my mind for help.. i shud say i ve got over it partially... n ofcourse the heavenly cancer-stiks used to be my first love... which is nomore too (like anyother love of mine)... but then u ll never forget ur first love rite?... these were my addictions .. so at present i jus live in past glory :) if thats an addiction.. but substance addiction in someway or other.. say atleast on binging food will always remain with me..

Addiction 4: Comin to simpler things... lets say shopping is an addiction.. abusin my cc is my pastime... kids and playin with em is an addiction..i jus cant leave any kid and go home. .. m greedy n i want them all... giving is an addiction.. i keep buyin ppl something.. i keep doin something for someone no matter wat... or how they treat me ... i keep tryin to impress ppl.. satisfy everyone... its a very bad addiction and i ll never get over it... i fall in love and get crushes so easily ... guys are an addiction.. more than that gals are an addiction.. there are so many times i wish i was a guy ... they r jus fabulous n so not mine.. but yea i keep tryin additively to befriend them... food is a big time addiction.. i kno i eat very poor but i jus need to keep tastin variety and this obssession is insatiable too.. but yea it paid off in the form of burrp and blogs tho...

Addiction 5: Doin em tags are an addiction in itself ... yea u got me...i just cant think nemore...

alwrite i ll shut up ... so now u kno ....next time u tag me u ll think twice eh :)

My sansmerci.in domain is expiring in a month, since m gonna b mrs. brat in feb... i'm really confused bout my identity just like i ve no clue bout my own personality.. shud i stay the same or shud be what i shud b .. but then wat is it that i shud b?... i ve a poll on the rite side... choose what u think i shud choose plz :) so my id and my address will change (or not change) from 2009 according to your wish....

shuttin up until next time ......

Torn apart.....

2008-10-18T10:47:00.000+05:30

Here's another short post that follows the very long one....

I need help choosin between two options again, its a life decision and i hope u'all can help..before i put forward THE Question! lemme add a lil more gyan on the topic so it doesnt become incomprehensible like last time...

But to express... i've lost the flair to write poetry... i thought its cos my dark days are over... and i cant write for nuts wen m happy or sober... not that i ve been really happy.. but yes i ve been too sober... but hey think m getting bak there.. so for starters lets let papa roach and linkin park sing for me ....

The current tracks playing on the playlist o' ma head is...

I'm tired of being what you want me to be,
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
i Don't know what you are expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
Every step that I take is another mistake to you

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware,
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

and....

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I left my heart open
But you didn't understand....

when papa roach wrote this song,they wudnt have even imagined that its so for me and it will have the honor to appear on my blog... :)

Now help me ...

Tell me whats more painful ....

A bad liver?

or

A broken heart?

For ppl who cant form ur words (jus like i cant)... i've got a poll on the side, choose the option that you would rather stay with..

PS: Sorry this was supposed to be a short post rite? ... duh! i've become so eloquent :P

A letter to my 18-year-old self

2008-10-10T16:23:00.000+05:30

I almost forgot how it feels to write a post. I have been so much bloghopping these days (and takin care of my second baby cruly ignoring the first) that i almost din realise that its been long since i posted here.. while my lil baby here was carryin the promotion for my foodie blog with no complains :) this post has been long pending.. by which i mean really long wen i read this post 'a letter to my 18-year old self' in Ritu's blog, searched for blogs with that post and read many bloggers who have done a lot of introspection by doin this little exercise.. seriously i wanted that relief in myself i decided to tag myself on it.. but never had the time to post that...

So here it goes... (a blush jus creeped into my face... gosh wat am i turnin into :O.. ive actually lost my sense of i-don-give-a-damn writing.. ok now thats another post by itself on how subconsciously writers start writing FOR their readers.. even if they rebel not to...oh oh lost track! .... )

Dear Swarna

First of all, who the F*** do u think ur? sorry for sucha rude start, i kno am elder to u and i need to teach u how to speak with respect, hell no.. this is how ur language will grow.. as u get older.. the more life frustrates u the more fs in ur language increase invariably... but seriously who do u think ur? earth to girly! Come down to the 'real world' whre u ll be welcomed with a lot or stones and rotten eggs soon... You aint no beauty queen.. you aint no conquerer of the world.. u not gonna rule any kingdoms.. u not gonna have princes fallin outa horses to their knees to woo u...

I am sure u have learnt quite a lot in last 2 years, havent u? Rem this, Life aint one big honeymoon, dont keep fallin for romantic losers who lose their romance faster than their head.. n this attention u get.. wont last forever..u mite think guys are at ur disposal today, u will die for a word or touch of love in future.. well stop searchin for true love.. accept love wen shown to u.. too much searchin will end up in total waste of time and ur life.. in the end no use regreting hurting and losin someone who u think is the one... wen u actually grow up and realise who ur and what u need...it mite b too late to have that someone u missed! well no m not even tlkin bout the person ur callin ur bf now.. yea u ll give ur life for him today and go against the world for him .. tomo he ll mean nothin to u .. as much u wont recognise him when u see him on the same street as urs... trust me but life goes on... and if not virtually single.. u will find lonliness and the feelin of being unloved ur company for life ... get used to it .. well u wont even kno wat i mean now.. hmm i think i wud jus say enjoy the love and attention that u get an overdose of to the jealousy of others.. u ll soon b a loser for life...

n hey don worry about studyin in a school for a college .. u ll soon enjoy the best college days of anyones life ...u will actually have real 'friends' in life!.. how does it feel to be at the peak of a hill and the hit the valley.. yes get ready for the best 2 yrs of ur life and then hit rock bottom.. i wish u don make the rong decisions u do.. but then eveything happens for good and i can only say don lose hope and never HATE anyone no mtter wat... n if u hurt someone ... don regret too late..wat goes around comes around .. n b ready for it.. u f***in deserve it.. well life's not a big honeymoon honey m tellin u yet again..there r no fairy tales or happy endings.. not everyone understds ur language of love.. do not overrate it...do not overlong for it... stop trusting ur mom on unconditional love .. its not true.. u don get it.. u cant give it without being taken for granted and fooled.. somehow it works only with moms..

Learn to sleep! whatever trbl u mite face.. b independant.. u gonna have a lota trbl due to not learning these two things .. emotional dependancy is not something to b proud of.. jus cos ur not financially dependant... dependancy is a syndrome.. (on substance or people) ..a disease u ll b treated for.. and yea dreams....if u think thts wat makes ur life go on.. then stop living rite away cos not all dreams come true (infact u ll come to a stage u ll forget how it feels to dream).. STOP DREAMING! GET REAL! No u will not have that dream house by the beach ur dreamin of, but u wont even have a house of ur own.. oh well first of all u shud have a life of ur own..hehe.. u dono wat the opposite of freedom is today.. u ve been brght up oh-so-broadminded and free of any restrictions.. wonderin how it ll b if u don have the basic freedom to live life the way u want to? oh man! and get ready for some dark days.. accidents.. a lot of heart breaks..and i mean a lot of! No u have no idea wat that means now.. well u ll have ur share of everything...in the end it is fun m tellin u.. how many times do u think u ll flirt with death? take a guess? m i scarin u too much? ... duh! i think u shud b happy that ur life ll b a lot eventful than ur plannin it to b...

Do not take what u learnt from ur relationship to the next.. its not the same always.. Don lose ur friends u can never ever get em bak.. don break relationships easily it can never ever patch bak like it used to be.. gettin it bak is like stickin a glass together.. if u kno wat i mean.. Stop over reacting to things.. stop havin opinons there'll b a time they wont count nemore..and if u don have the strength to stand for wat u rebel against,.,.. freakin shut up.. don keep cribbing bout it.. n hey u WILL lose all ur energy to rebel against anything in life.. trust me U WILL SUCCUMB.. u'll be jus another gal compriomising her values for normal life (which as far as i kno u've not had until 2008, yes u will believe to have it in future) .. u ll b JUST ANOTHER PERSON.. nothin special..nothin unique.. jus anther hypocrite living in the face of earth..awww! whats that look on ur face.. kinda familiar to me..hmm... do u feel like hittin me with a brick? hate me? face it! I am YOU in a few years from now on :)..

Since u beg me i tell u some good things i can think of.. hmm .. hmm.. i think ur overrating love and the goodness of giving love unconditionally will pay off someday .. don give it up .. m sure u wont even if ur beaten out to hell.. being the loser tht ur... well somewhere down my heart.. i believe in it sweetheart .. oh oh.. lets delete these lines... oh yea one more good thing of ur unrestrained galivanting around the city n eating in every nook and corner will pay off.... wonderin how? anythin done with passion gives good results trust me n love ur city that u hate now.. u gonna do it by default soon and the city will love u bak nuff for it.. n u wont believe this if i tell u .. but after all the shit u ve been thro and lost hope on ur career and talent (there'll be a point wen u think mayb ppl r rite.. if ur a good student.. u need to be a doc or engineer.. haha!) .. U WILL BECOME A WRITER! ok fine dont believe me :P dumb gal...!!!! (do i see a smile? :P)

But hey since i do love u as a child i would like to give some advice to ...i ll tell u one secret u need to kno to hold on to ur life strongly..which u will lauf at me now for.... u mite hate ur bro .. u mite think ur moms a nobody.. but if u will have something to live for in future... it will be.. YOUR FAMILY.. nothin else is urs.... u ll kno it pretty soon...

PS: Get over ur dad.. that could be the first step u can do to fix ur life.. u will never be able to fill his space and thats the freakin truth ..

Your's truly
Sansmerci (No u dint change ur name in the Gazette, its jus an evolved form of ur f***ed up head)

Alrite! Uff! Does it feel gr8 to get bak to my kinda writing? Yes it does.. rem those days wen i jus write the flow of my head without thinkin who's readin and what ll they think..but now that i ve a diff circle of blog friends.. acutally everyone from every age and class and attitude.. i dono what me and my blogs becomin.. i cud write more freely wen i wasnt judged...well this time i realised i shud b myself and this one place i got where i can use as a friend wen m down and happy... Oh! thinkin of happy.. Yes i do have somethin to share wth everyone ... but hey not in this ugly post .. lets save it for the next one!

Disclaimer: This post was not meant to hurt anyone or blame anyone for my life.. its purely a letter to myself about the many mistakes 'I' and only 'I' have committed in life and the lessons learnt thro these yrs thro many events and many ppl and many phases ..

Now for ppl who want to introspect.. i wud so love to read what each of u have to say to ur 18-year old self.. do u dare to take it up?

The Chennai Foodie!

2008-09-26T14:51:00.000+05:30

Yelloooooooooooo all!

Two reasons to rejoice now..

Finally i woke up to the fact that i can actually write reviews worth publishing on a separate blog of its own.. initially as a means of saving all my work.. now m workin on building it as another blog useful to readers :) so obv my first notice is to my fella bloggers here who has made this blog come alive.. i mean really alive!

So here it is
chennaifoodreviews.blogspot.com

I will be writing reviews on places in chennai thats related to food and drink, could be anywhere from le royal meridien to thattu kada.. so all u foodies out there plz buzz me (in here) to add to my blogroll ... i wud love to make more friends there...

i am placing a widget in my blog's side bar so u ll kno my latest posts there.. as u all kno this is kinda my passion.. both writing and food..n i hope its a success :)

So welcome to my blog on chennai restaurant reviews, anytime u plz..do pass on the word too! i have two posts there already. .. looking fwd to ur comments...

BUT most of all, when am celebrating the birth of my second baby :) my 2 yr old here has won a million dollar cheque from Tessie! That's double celebration now aint it? Thanks a million Tessieeeeeeee, u made my day .. actually u made the whole week for me.. y else will i get motivated to start a new blog! In fact, thanks all of u for encouraging me so much...

Yay! I jus realised i ve reached more than 15000 hits ... reason 3!!!!

I warned ya!

2008-09-24T10:34:00.000+05:30

I knew it! I saw it comin.. lotsa tags in the offing.. i kno ur all already gettin bored in there. but hey i ve been tagged by ma blogymates.. n i respect their love for me.. n my love for myself :P So here goes one more tag.. guess m the last one to do this since i kno mosta the ppl on my blogroll n done with it ...

RULE #1 People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs and replace any question that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

RULE #2 Tag 6 people to do this quiz and those who are tagged cannot refuse. These people must state who they were tagged by and cannot tag the person whom they were tagged by continue this game by sending it to other people.

1. If your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be?
Well, at 18 i believed in forgiving and forgetting and cryin to myself, at 20 i said fuck off, at 22 i rushed outa imaginary fears, at 24 i needed medical help, marching towards 26 i ve learnt to trust blindly and 'deaf'ly to save myself from heart breaks :) .. thats the makin of a loser :D

2. If you can have a dream come true, what would it be
hmm... to hold my 'very own' baby in my hand for the first time? m sure my heart'll stop that moment!...

3. Whose butt would you like to kick?
my very own .. i jus cant stand myself sometimes...is it possible ?

4. What would do with a billion dollars?
Use it to pay my CC every month :D for the rest of my life..

5. Will you fall in love with your best friend?
I always did .. n it never worked .. but i still believe in it :)

6. Which is more blessed: loving someone or being loved by someone?
definitely being loved by someone.. cos its a rare commodity atleast to me.. its the worst curse to love someone n not be loved bak the same way.. but it takes no supernatural power (blessing) for me to show love to someone .. otherway is not in my hands :(.. whoever said loving someone is better than being loved.. must ve never given as much love in his life ...

Mother Teresa said ' The worst poverty in the world is lonliness and the feeling of being unloved and unwanted'..

7. How long do you intend to wait for someone you love?
exactly the same question i ve been askin myself everyday ... any suggestions?

8. If the person you secretly like is attached, what will you do?
Depends.. if hes a friend, i ll flirt very obviously to his gf's jealousy.. if hes a friends bf, i ll flirt obviously to my friends jealously... so there is no secretly liking thingie here..

On a serious note.. i think 'who likes who mutually' matters more than 'who is in a relship with who'.. if its true.. i ll go ahead n work it out no matter wat.. yea m a strong women wen i type :D
In reality.. i cried ...i whined.. i let him go with a 'hey-m-so-happy-for-u' smile ..

9. If you could root for one social cause, what would it be?
Love to every kid in the world.. in every sense of the word..

10. What takes you down the fastest?
an elevator? :P ... indifference shudve been my answer.. i am a preacher of love and i consider that word our enemy...

11. Where do you see yourself in 10 years time?
I dont want to c 10 yrs from now.. if i have to then i want to c myself as being called the best mother in the world by my kids :)

12. What’s your fear?
i feared a life with no ambition no love no excitement no ppl no motivation no interest to carry on .. no feelings.. no dreams.. i don fear it nemore..

13. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?
i've been tagged by renu, shes a very sweet and a very level headed person ..
and by Inexplicably she is a very loving mother who can write to melt your heart out..

14. Would you rather be single and rich or married and poor?
Oh that question again! what makes u think i ll choose the former?

15. If you fall in love with two people simultaneously who will you pick?
the one who doenst look at his watch and doesnt own a TV.. have all the time in the world for me

16. Would you give all in a relationship?
i dono.. i always think i do .. but only i think so

17. Would you forgive and forget someone no matter how horrible a thing he has done?
i think yes.. do i have a choice?

18. Do you prefer being single or in a relationship?
gosh! again... i ve never been single since i was 16 .. so i dono how it feels otherwise.. i wish i cud..
naaaaaaaaaaa

i am not tagging neone .. i mite get killed if i do .. anyway most ppl have done it already.. lets move on n talk something more like Push up my bra like that, Porno Paparazzi girl... so i get more hits and more comments :P

Get ready for a tag marathon....

2008-09-19T00:11:00.000+05:30

Tessie tagged me .. n here it is.. some more stuff bout ME .. another of those posts i love to write more than you like to read :)

Shoooooooooooooooot

What have you realized recently?
You can be just a someone in the world to someone who means the world to you, expecting life to treat u fairly coz u been good is like expecting the lion not to attack u coz u r a vegetarian.

Have you given your first kiss away?
You are almost a decade too late...

If you were to be stranded on a deserted island, who are the 11 blog buddies you would take?
does this include only ppl who write blogs or ppl who visit my blog regularly? i think it'll b VJ sne and B ... to b first on my mind.. n if ur talkin bout jus the blogging ppl.. lemme c ..
Renu (so i dont stray away), Niya (hoping she ll bring along yummy food!), salil (for his sense of humor), edita (a lawyer will always help :P), Tess (definitely for tagging me)... ay there s big list in here.. cant u jus go down n chek my blogroll :D

Where is the place you want to go the most?
Frankly, where i feel home and loved and pampered and cared for.. seriously, its too tuff to live elsewhere after being a queen for 25 yrs at home.. thre's no place like home!

If you have one dream to come true, what would it be?
I have been trained vigorously to think that to dream is to sin .. so NO.. lets jump to next..

Do you believe in seeing the rainbow after the rain?
Nop.. i am more used to seeing horrible roads filled with pits of dirty smelly water after the rain... but yea i still love the rain :D the romantic fool that i am

What are you afraid of losing the most now?
This moment if you ask me.. m afraid of losing my family once i have a new one :( i always thought its easy to have both .... cold feet i can sense!

If you win $1 million, what would you do?
Visit London.. and europe maybe... build an orphange with a lotaaaaaaaaaa kids (after comin bak ofcourse) and settle in it for life happily! :)

If you meet someone that you love, would you confess to him/her?
I cant just meet someone i love, that word means a lot more than that.. n i guess if i love someone that much i shud b knowin them that well.. and in that case .. it wud obv to him/her n the world than me confessing it to him/her.. esp. if its her :D

oh n if u were askin bout crushes... i jus love to confess it.. thats the best feeling ever..don rem the last time i went thro it...man am i gettin old :( n most of all the ego-hurt feelin of makin the first move follows.. beautiful... wen done over n over again! wat a loser i sound like!

List out 3 good points about the person who tagged you
I dono much bout Tess she's relatively a new blogging buddy... lemme try tho...
1. very friendly.. she jus bloghopped n bumped into me.. n now shes on my orkut! that's fast friend-making!
2. great writer.. really like her style.. i don add neone to my blogroll unless i love it ...
3. personally.. from wat i read from her posts.. seems to b a cute lil gal .. love her about me lines and random everyday thoughts ... (read the posts around her wedding.. so real n cute!)

What are the requirements that you wish from your other half?
love me .. in the sense of it.. love being with me .. spending time with me .. miss me..long for me.. make me feel special.. loved wanted and important in his life... most of all appreciate the lil things i do for him.. i wud give my life n more for a sweet word or two.. he better kno this weakness of mine cos it generally makes or breaks my relship with anyone!

naa.. i'll b a nice gal n say..i expect nothin but love from him.. which yea means the same as above!

What type of people do you hate the most?
Slowly.. as life moves on... gradually.. m starting to hate PEOPLE as such!

What is the one thing you can’t live without?
ist it obv .... LOVE!

If you have faults, would you rather the people around you point out to you or would you rather they keep quiet?
i am not tryin to be politically correct or nething but i ll rather have ppl point it out to me than me makin a fool outa myself by continuing my faults..but yea def the way in which it shud b conveyed matters...

Are you a shopaholic or not?
my CC is so abused.... its needs psychiatric help now!

Find a word to describe the person who tagged you
I dono her so well yet.. but i am wonderin why she calls her blog the fat lady's ranting .. wen the blog actually gives a feel of a bubbly young gals vibes!

If you have a chance, which part of your character you would like to change?
The part that hurts my mom ... n everyone i love for that matter..

What’s the last shocking thing you’ve seen or heard?
cant rem... too numb .. sorry...

Would you rather have love but no money or money but no love?
i don understd why love n money are always compared.. why is it tuff to have both.. love's a freaking pickpocket thief or wat! Fine i wud like to go for a lot of love and my CC to express it!

Now you answer.. tagging...
Psychedelic
mysoor pak conversations
Cockroach in Cocktail
It Belongs To Man To Err!!!
anoobhooti
The Multi Menon Chronicle
My little girl

Brilliant Blog... it is! or is it??

2008-09-08T17:43:00.000+05:30

anoobhooti awarded me with this prestigious award 'Brilliant Weblog 2008'! As much as you kno how much i love being appreciated :D .. u shud kno how thrilled i am to receive this.. well yea this is the first ever award for my blog.. n i can almost feel accepted in the blogging community already :) i hope to get much more recognition and fame .. n receive more awards.. n yea i better cut the crap b4 you all decide to boycott my blog for good.

SHUT UP!

thanks a lot renu.. i never thought this day will come in my life :P
But on a serious note, i am so honored to be recalled as 'a modern educated girl with Indian values' .. well if thats the impression my blog has been giving to my readers.. well she sure does deserve this award! (for portraying me in to something likable after all :D)

So here it is

and here are the rules:

When you receive the prize you must write a post showing it,together with the name of who has given it to you, and link them back
Choose a minimum of 7 blogs (or even more) that you find brilliant in their content or design
Show their names and links and leave them a comment informing they were prized with ‘Brilliant Weblog'
Show a picture of those who awarded you and those you give the prize(optional).
And pass it on!

ok here are my 7 people: (man! does it feel good to give than take :D)

Inexplicably: FIRST READ! i jus jump with excitement wen i c that blog blinking with a new post on my blogroll, call me a sucker for kids, but every word she writes bout her kid melts me.. almost literally.. n the thing is . it does everytime.. its her WORDS and of course her love!

niya's world: ABSOLUTE entertainment, can u imagine a blog being updated every few minutes? I can be sure of reading a NEW post on my favourite subject (ofcourse food, restaurants and shopping) everytime i feel bored at work, i jus need to click on her blog. Yes, my blog design has tips from urs.. lota stolen widgets too :D

anoobhooti: MUST READ everyday ..a new topic.. a new thought.. my blogging buddy who i can be sure to see on my blog everyday :) motivation it is by itself, she knows how to appreciate.. she makes blogging feel like family, bringing people together.

Psychedelic: MISS YA..since she started writing on sulekha she is not doing justice to blogspot.. missing ur awesome poems and crazy style in writing ...this is to make u write again and bring glory to blogspot babe.. blog on!

Pettai maami: NAMMA MAAMI! feels nice to read a blog from a sixty something chennai bred.. mami!... wow! how good does it feel to hear her talk ..calls herself a consultant for confused tambrahms.. GREAT style of writing.. unique and feels home to read her language.. chennai it is! Chop chop!you game for nuts?

WisTfuLLy YoUrS!!!: WOWIFIED wen i first saw this blog of my friend from college.. never knew she cud write THIS good.. used to be my regular read.. plz come bak to blogosphere.. PLEASEEEEE! Been long since i had a good read from a next-gen women, little short of watching sex and the city... you got ATTITUDE babe!

Oodles of Doodles.........: NEW KID (atleast on my blogroll) block.. i wud die to paint/sketch like her .. a very different blog on my list.. which speaks through visuals than lengthy conversations.. i love artistics... for the simple reason that i can never be them :( ..i cant even write a legible sentence for god's sake.. hmm so yea... always geta crush on em instantly .. ahem.. no! i really dono her yet :)

alrite m done with 7 i guess.. there are so many more blogs i read regularly everyday (chek my blogroll).. m so sorry i have to stop with 7 :(.. anyway being on my blogroll is an honor in itself aint it :P... anyways fella awardees .. u'all owe me a treat for this 'favor' ;) ... Party Time!

Chennai's very-own 'forum'!

2008-09-04T21:41:00.000+05:30

One more week of writing and writing and writing is coming to an end .. well not exactly.. but yea in a few days .. but I wud like to stay positive… my days of browsing food and event sites/blogs relating to Chennai are here again (last days of the week wen m absolutely jobless) This time again I found a useful and very entertaining site http://chennaiforums.com/ a must visit if you are a Chennai fanatic!

Looks like a newbie, but its already grabbing a lot of attention from our fella chennaites! Wow! Wat more to make me happy and keep me occupied the whole day.. well u guessed it rite they have a section on food and restaurant too :D but don judge me so soon.. I jus read up on the Chennai electricity issue that we are all facing..boo the power cuts! I am the last person who reads current affairs but wen told in an entertaining way,, yes I take it in too :D.. n y not wen its bout chennaipatnum… but m planning a lot of contribution in the food arena which I do have some knowledge on as far as my favourite city is concerned… I hope to c a lot of Chennai fanatics in this forum and make friends and discuss a lot of local topics.. u kno its my fav topic to debate on.. nothing better! n of course get to kno the latest events and happenings in here.. they got it listed rite from vinayaka chathurthi puja places to ladies night in clubs tonight..its like experiencing the entire city breathing it in .. with all the love for it.. suck it in.. I mean suck into it.. hmm errrrr … forget it!

There is this search dropdown menu to browse further on topic of ur interest.. u name it .. this moment m reading on how to take good care of the hair! Hmm.. ok next…

Wow! Tomo’s weather says 32degree c …ok i ll stop showing off here!

Do u enjoy reading the Friday issue newspapers just like me? Its one day I never forget to pick up the paper as soon as I wake up.. this site almost feels like it.. a Friday paper everyday! And even better its interactive .. oopsie I am writing too much bout this site today? Chennai needed something like this and m happy someone has actually initiated this idea.. I hope this becomes a great success.. and we have a lot of fun (at work of course!) in here! A home to meet neighbors and talk about common issues and public secrets! Y am I sooo exciteddd.. !

And for now.. here’s to Chennai!
http://www.chennaiforums.com/register.php?referrerid=20
Take a few mins and join the fun guys …

A collection of my work at BM

2008-08-28T16:30:00.000+05:30

They made me do it .. i cried .. i begged.. i was shattered against my will.. they made me do it
and here it is...

those were days wen i saw no future, dreaded the word marriage and the dream it brought along.. was as lonely as anyone cud ever b..empty.. lost..heartbroken.. aching.. i did it...!

Not bad eh :P

Wise men say only fools rush in...

2008-08-28T16:22:00.000+05:30

BUT Seriously...

A stitch in time saves nine

or

Fake it till u make it?

Push up my bra like that, Porno Paparazzi girl...

2008-08-19T17:49:00.000+05:30

Stupid Girl!

yea u got my point! but this post aint about paris hilton or jessica simpson॥ its about our very own Tamizh (zh stressed intentionally) media and the women who are movin way up ahead showcasing their u-kno-wat to the world, since they don have any thing to showcase inside their heads! I have a BIG QUESTION (typed in caps to show BIG :P) what is considered SEXY? wats the meaning of this word? i believe that nothin can be sexy without brains or the attitude factor that can come only from intelligence.. u def cnt stay dumb n sexy! u need to b smart to b sexy..so i think! Sexy is a relative term,.. which def doenst refer to the viewing of the thick material that covers our flesh and organs.. it has a deeper meaning to it than it seems like .. m sure u ll agree..

I dont watch much Indian movies except ofcourse any Rani's movie in Hindi and any Rajni's movie in Tamil॥ I'm not very proficient in this subject hence, but then i kno enough to kno how women have been treated in here, how diff women r treated differently, how some lose respect and fade off along with the glow in their skin and some come out shining as the real stars motivating indian women using media as the rite weapon..

What's happening to the tamil movies these days? We definitely are way ahead of bollywood in makin movies with class and most of the class movies i kno in bollywood are made by brains from TN. Thinkin of it, even the real beauties of bollywood, by which i mean 'beauties' and not 'skin-shows' are from the south. We have no neccsity to compete with bollywood's cheap attempts to sell, as they say in bollywood only Sex and Shah rukh sells. I do like glamor, i drool over sexy heroines..where the character calls for nudity i agree even that aint wrong.. but wat is the need of bringing in this unneccesary soft (?) porn into movies to sell em? its kinda tough on women.. n children.. who are fed this content without a choice. I go to watch a movie of a superstar i ve been a fan of for 20 yrs and i get fed with sex content without a choice, screwin my mood and day.. n so funny they call it a family movie.. then wat do they have porn movies for these days? .... i wonder how mom's with kids near them felt while watchin this porno shit...

This m talkin bout the recent rajnikanth movie kuselan ofcourse, i cnt imagine m writing a negative review on a hero i used to like as a child n still .. but has he lost confidence on himself? in the last 2 movies hes been using young girls to show skin to sell his movie.. sorry to say but shame on u for being a superstar, talkin bout women liberation, culture, and what not..well ok i already wrote bout shivaji, n how the fair sex was used completely unwanted in it.. but that stopped with glamor.. n since everything was acceptable then it has a gone a step further... well it will go a step further until there r women who can sell themsleves for money n fame r alive..

My words from Shivaji review ...

Anyways shreya or shriya whatever her name is looks beautiful, but cud ve shown her face a lil more and din expect a Rajni movie heroine to wear nothing but inner garments in all the songs twas like watchin a kamal movie or porn I shud say ॥ She cudve atleast worn a blouse for gods sake.. She looks beautiful,.. cudve made use of that .. Hello! Some respect plz!

I am sorry but i cant tell the same adjectives about this female, whose name am thinkin twice b4 i cud enter in my blog, i don want google to list me among some porn sites and cheap filmie sites with vulgar images of this (so-called) female Nayatara. I wud say this 'DUMB BLONDE' of India is a shame on womenhood, moreso on Indian women known for their 'beauty and brains'. What is the need for such a catergory to grow in a intelligent good-looking and talented environment like ours? don let it spread plz... trust me its contagious..

I can c Pink's vision in here!

What happened to the dreams of a girl president

She's dancing in the video next to 50 cent

... well i always thought that country was dumb n the women who are known to be dumb must b even dumber to lose their dignity for fame and set bad examples for the kids who grow up fed on media and nothin else.. its no denying the fact that today media does 90 percent of the parenting.. n it has a responsibility (atleast superstars need to kno how the mass blindly follows)..if she is the 'numero uno' lady of tamil cinema as said by many newspapers and websites.. i wonder wat role women are starting to gain in media..an item girl becomes the lead..or shud i say the lead herself just an item number.. thats all the place women have here.. i've seen heroines come n go as glamour dolls in movies, its ok to flaunt wat u got! but this is the first time m seein an actor being so shameless that she has nothin to talk in the movie, she is not a PERSON in it, she is a dancing glamour doll (who btw has no expressions except attitude on her scarsely visible bland face), well a tree with some curves (and no leaves) cudve done it! Real sucess is attracting men n women n children alike .. like many beautiful sexy looking 'talented' actors have done before..but nowhere have i seen a gal meddle around with her assets on the camera for whole minutes.. after sometime it gets boring even to the drooling men since.. there is no surprise nemore.. nothing stimulating ....nothin new .. nothin mysterious

I don't blame men at all! Until u've no respect for urself... dont expect anything in return.. sadly this affects the image of woman (atleast of that region) and their values cos media is wat shows all the world who we are.. but these ppl who represent us, let us down.. showing us the rong way.. don u c ur power and responsibility dumb gal? if u think ur showin lifestyle .. well try again .. ur showin desperation ... there is something called respect.. u can earn money and fame (def in many other ways, unless u ve nothin to prove like u obv do).. u cant earn respect again.. ur a human being.. not a thing made of flesh n skin.. wake up! Oh can we plz categorize these kinda creatures as something like hmm lets say ..non-women or mayb non-human (incase if guys feel ashamed to call such ppl part of their clan too)?

Mirror on the wall, damn I sure look fine

I can't blame those horny boys, I would make me mine

When I pass you in a club, "Ooh, lala!" you gasp

Back up boy, I ain't your toy, or your piece of ass

Cuz this body is a priceless piece of lovin' unconditionally

So, Mr। Big-stuff, who you think you are?

You was thinkin' you'r gonna get it for free

Hey ladies, let 'em know it ain't easy

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Now that's flaunting, that's attitude... that's sexy!

Disclaimer: This is totally Pink's and my opinion ... n does not necessary have to b right or rong!

PS: GUYS strictly no droolin over cheap shit in my comments ॥ don't we have a class?

There's a poll on what you want me to write on .. Do Vote!

Back to Back.. n m Back

2008-08-14T10:51:00.000+05:30

Tagged by Pointblank .. so here is one more list of unwanted info bout me .. bak to bak!

I am: Swarna?.. i kno my sense of humor sucks.. on a serious note.. i am everything that you want me to be to u with a strong urge in me to be myself at the same time..i kno that makes a lota sense.. y is that i start writing paragraphs for one word questions!

I think: Without a fraction of a second of rest, but absolutely nothing productive. (I also think i can write :D)

I know: that one day we'll be dead and gone.. n we r fiting with life for nothing today.

I want: peace of mind..other than which my heart has been trained very well to not want anything in life .. peace of mind is an exception since its illusionary & elusive.

I have: MY MOM

I wish: everybody's pain is mine and let it end with me...

I hate: used to hate liars.. now kinda used to it.. i still cant stand disrespect, hypocricy and narrowmindness

I miss: gosh! that's everything i do these days, miss my college days most, the year 2004!, the rosy days of romance, the days wen i ran my own home, most of all wen i had a life :)

I fear: the unknown.. if i kno u, u can get away with murder, if ur not open to me, insecurity n fear clouds my head

I feel: lonely unloved empty unwanted .. and some balloons in ma head ... and hands...

I hear: right now the freakin voices in my head that talk for and against him!

I smell: hostility- vacuum - death

I crave: a single loving touch

I search: for the lost child in me who had dreams and desires.. for a reason to live

I wonder: how long do i need to keep existing?

I regret: everytime i hurt my loved ones .. everytime i lose my respect n give up my ideals .. everytime i fall in love and act like a loser .. everytime .. everytime.. actually everytime ..

I love: KIDS

I ache: wen my love aint recognised or appreciated

I am not: mediocre... average... normal

I dance: at the happiest moments of my life .. cant rem doing it in last few yrs :( soemthing i ll miss for life ...

I sing: with very very few ppl i have been happy n comfy with u .. otherwise only with my bike :)

I cry: for stupid reasons like a mosquito bite wen m down but not even for life threatening incidents wen m strong ....

I don't always: listen to myself

I write: yea i write ... so wat now?

I win: m not in the race

I lose: everything

I never: trust wholeheartedly... it takes a LOT to make me trust.. but if i do .. then i DO

I always: keep searching for IT ...

I confuse: i write

I listen: to empty spaces and the echo of the emptiness .. to beautifully expressed dark poetry in songs.. lyrics that speak my life.. my mind..

I can usually be found: on the internet, if not then on the internet..if not.. mayb m nomore :O

I need: to feel needed/wanted... a reason to survive.. someone by my side.. quite literally.. someone to pamper me.. Mayb m doin the tag in a rong mood, do i sound pathetic and desperate? Uff i changed this answer 10 times in the last 5 mins.. proves i dono wat i need

I am happy about: my life being eventful n chaotic and not bland n borin ..

I imagine: u wasting ur time sitting n reading this crap ... go get a life now...

I would like to tag:
anyone who is reading this and is super bored like me .. n believes there r ppl who r even more jobless to sit n read nonsense bout them..

PS: Plz VOTE in the poll.. i ve added many widgets for engaging you while surfing my site.. wud like to know what you think of it..

The Quirky Tag

2008-08-12T12:20:00.000+05:30

anoobhooti tagged me!

The Rules are as follows..
1. Link the person who tagged you.
2. Mention the rules on your blog.
3. Tell 6 unspectacular quirks of yours.
4. Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them.
5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger's blogs, letting them know that they have been tagged.

wow wow! Dont i just love talking bout myself and the quirky me! ..that sums up me as such being quirky.. hmm can i stop here? :D cos i really cant think of nething worth putting down here.. well now that i added my new feedjit widget and i got to know that my readers are not jus the few friends i know who leave comments, i c ppl from Trichirapalli to Jamaica :) so i better maintain my decorum and not get too personal (read shitty).. naa who gives a damn!

if u really ready for more read on..but promise me u ll save it in ur short term memory n forget it wen u leave this page

1. ahh i got a block! trust me i thought for 2 whole days about what quirky traits i got n now when m asked to write i cant, mayb thats one point to be noted, i cnt work under pressure, i will not do something wen m forced or m required to do, i cant even sleep if m forced to, i can only work/play/sleep/shit at will!

2. i try not to hurt neone. i cant confront, i smile wen m hurt badly, wen someone's unfair to me, cant say no to nething, end up being a loser. but i cant ride without cursing, and make sure i hurt ppl who really mean a lot to me for reasons that noone can comprehend including me..

3. i cannot stand self-image damage, 2 things that can make or break my relationship with u is ur opinion on my words and my looks :) i kno thats more stupid than quirky :D

4. i love bad things happening to me, note 'things that affect only me'! like say, i long to get fever, everytime i get some pain i jus hope its some life threatening disease n get toally disappointed if its not :( i love to be depressed, n it gives me so much happiness :P

5. highy impulsive in everything, tooo fast in doin my work, MULTITASKING is a must, lets say there are 12 windows open rite now.. n now actually feelin bored :( i get restless if m idle for a min .. n however busy i am .. everybody knows the only word i wud say is gosh m bored! even in food, i cant eat just one item, or the same thing twice! Well Variety is the spice of life, u kno :P

6. Oh this is kinda my weakness i cnt go in elevators cnt use public toilets cant stay alone in a closed dark room.. guess wat i ve climbed 14 floors for the fear of elevator and i don need to tell ya what i do wen m traveling :P

yay! i reached 6! Actually now i can think of a lot more .. but naa m not gonna let u kno!

Am tagging to know the quirky side of
good bad and the ugly
niya's world
BeTwEeN tHe LiNeS
Semi-Charmed Life!
Cockroach in Cocktail
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Good luck! Make ur confessions!

Forgive me spiderman, for i think otherwise!

2008-08-05T15:19:00.000+05:30

It’s 2 years since I started this blog with today. No, I aint even gonna use an exclamation mark to that sentence cos life has taught me quite strongly this time to not get excited bout special days.. still somewhere at the corner of my stupid heart, there is a question called ‘WHY NOT?’!
But yea, no balloons, no cakes, no celebration, so wat now, there will b another yr and another anniversary, hey but there is a need for appreciation rite? After all wen even ppl cant be together for long, anything that lasts any longer deserves respect, so does this humble blog of mine, started as undefinedoxymoron.blogspot.com taken over by sansmerci.in. It’s always been there with me taking all the shit I dumped on it through my bad times and thro my happy times, taking into its identity everything that is me, and stand by it for that sake alone, I mean wat better friend/partner can u get?

Last ‘blogiversary’ as I named it had thanks to so many ppl of which some have loyally stuck with me tho the transformation of the blog has taken place obviously from a personal diary to other not-so-interesting posts. Maybe I just grew up in the process or got insecure that too much trashing mite make me lose this last friend of mine too. But sure thanks to vj, blind and B (who doesnt have a choice tho) .. n ofcourse everyone else on my blogroll and viceversa..who come on n off ..and helped me reach this number of hits!

So why this title? U always ask cos it never makes sense just like my head. The thought on my head being ‘with gr8 power comes gr8 responsibility’, came this title! Let's say, this blog being my power to create n tell the world (if I can go one step further n say) and change the world if I really make an effort to .. comes my responsibility to stay moral on it esp. not to preach anything I don practice or believe in. so I have used this medium to my best, to express my thoughts but with utmost care to keep an open mind n always end it with a but, if and ‘so i think'.

So is every creator, they have a power and the responsibility, I rem quoting spiderman in my university exam in a journalism paper and me quoting it being quoted in a PR class the next sem as a matter to be appreciated. (god knows how much I feared critisism wen I wrote it!) oh n talking of god.. and creators.. I see them synonymous.. ie creators being god (ofcourse I wud never say vice versa :P). A mother being given the power to create … has the highest responsibility in the world making the human offspring ‘a person’ and wen I say a person, I mean ‘a person!’ that’s a ‘God’s’ responsibility she has. Maybe, the only thing ‘ur’ god did good to mankind is, its impossible for a living being to not have a mother, n tiny-bit reason that cud probably wanna make me give a thought if there’s really such a well-wishing person to human kind making sure we get it all, a mother - if u want it or not, will b YOURS!

But most of us creators (in one way or other), experience the reverse of this, where life sucks with a lot of responsibility and no shit called power! For instance, our creative team has the responsibility to create advertisements that play with the minds of the customers and work on them. But what happens at most times is the team aims at satisfying the client servicing, who in turn works for the client's satisfaction who in turn works for his managers' satisfaction, who in turn looks for the CEO/MD's satisfaction. Responsibility of the creative to satisfy the ultimate customer takes the back seat since the team doesn’t have the direct decision-making power , even if they know the customer inside-out. So gr8 responsibility definitely calls for gr8 power, if its there, anything is possible, u jus need to take ur stand and stand by it! You can change the world, if ur responsibility gets the power! Maybe i think like a media person, that was my example, but m sure u have urs.

So yea ….oh shut up! So much for 2 years of blogging! u had to listen to all this random unrelated insequential thoughts of mine … but hey I rest my power n responsibility with this blog.. cos its me who delegates both to myself in here! Woo Hoo!!!! I run a place of my own n I did so for 2 whole f****** yearsssssssssssss… oh no I forgot! No overexcitement … maintain low profile…. Ahem :)!

PS: If ur wonderin y my first post is on AUG 6th '06 n m celebrating on Aug 5th every year, its the time difference. The first post actually came online at 6pm on Aug 5th '06 from Memphis, TN (from my work place). This post comes at 4 45pm on Aug 5th '08 from Chennai, TN (ofcourse from my workplace)!!

Hoping my blog and 'I' see next anniversary from who-knows-where, Yappy reading!!!

It's all about olive.. n a lil bout inspiration!

2008-07-26T11:23:00.000+05:30

IF my biggest nightmare is to live a long life .. then urs shud b me blogging until my last breath! and looking at this 'inspiration' i mite end up doin it .. so beware!

This u wudve heard already .. bout the world's oldest blogger olive who passed away recently ..

Thats her first post, http://www.allaboutolive.com.au/2007/02/16/olives-first-blog/
the person who has been typing for her (Mike) wants us to understd her 'blob' (thats how she calls it), first by reading that!

and this http://www.allaboutolive.com.au/2008/04/24/someone-peed-on-the-fish/
is probably the last proper post from her.

wat enthusiasm! wat optimism! and wat is it tht makes life int for someone at 108! (yrs? :O) wen i cnt find one reason to wake up tomorrow ... no m not inspired, m more depressed thinking m a loser ... ah wat a loser!

Some parts of the blog are very cute and kiddish, probably its the second childhood thats speaking, as shakespeare (if m rite!) says.. so there is this other person Eric who had been blogging for her on behalf of Mike in the recent past since Mike was away and so the blog shifted to another place.

This is a nice post bout her school days 100 years ago! in the new (temporary) blog http://worldsoldestblogger.blogspot.com/2008_05_01_archive.html
very interesting .. really worth a read

and thats her final post after which everything has been from the others after her passing away.
http://worldsoldestblogger.blogspot.com/2008/06/settling-in.html its bout her days in the nursing home before she left the world.

they made a movie .. of course! http://www.allaboutolive.com.au/olives-movies/

Guess wat she has actually overtook this 96 year old, oldest blogger of Spain and here is a post of how they both communicated!!! http://www.allaboutolive.com.au/2008/04/02/marie-amelia-replies-to-olive/

aaaah ..............A 96 year old inspired by a 108 yr old .. n a 25 yr old reading it with :O shakin her head with a big no no no ... m not fallin for all this .. but hats off!

some interesting posts i read

http://www.allaboutolive.com.au/2008/04/06/i-wish-you-could-walk/
wataaa memory!

http://worldsoldestblogger.blogspot.com/2008/06/sing-happy-songs.html
she actually was soooooo happy rather kept herself so happy in her last days!

http://www.allaboutolive.com.au/2007/10/17/her-108th-birthday/
thats her 108th bday ... uh uh wat??? wonder how it feels to c that ... thats like just 83 yrs from now :) i can wait ... I hope time flies .. no i really hope it does IF i were to live so long..

and thats one year anniversary post :D
http://www.allaboutolive.com.au/2008/02/06/in-for-service/

Guess u can browse thro both the sites and get ur own fav posts .. but on a serious note, if somene has to live this long to see life from - days of walking to learning in a sewing school - to blogging right from her bed - .. shud call that a real life time experience.. wish i cud experience that but only if i can stay as happy cheerful active child-like and as beautiful as she is at 108!

Wish i discovered this blog just a few weeks early, I would ve had the honor or commenting n communicating with the world's oldest blogger.. well even now the blog is on and Mike is tryin to keep it alive with a 'In memory of Olive' etched on top while they r still discussing the future of the blog n wonderin wat to do yet.. u can take part in it too http://www.allaboutolive.com.au/

Maybe i ll wait for a much older blogger to come my way... but somehow Olive feels special and unique to me tho i ve no idea ... why?!!!!

Positive vibes can travel thro the net .. even after one's life, its still alive!
That's quite a discovery eh? :P

BUT in Chennai!

2008-07-17T17:00:00.000+05:30

Fill it up fill it up.. The previous post has stayed on limelight for too long .. So what I've been doin all this while when that dumb post was catching all the unnessary attention .. I was reading other better, funny and interesting blogs unlike all of u who waste ur time on mine .. I have set this alert for chennai blogs and its too funny to ready the non-chennaites (esp northies :P) view of the city ..how much it varies from person to person .. the perconceived ridiculous notions, their surprise at the least surprising things and whole lota fun kinda pulling our own weaknesses, yes we kno! Let me take u for a small ride on the laufter rollercoastr I ve been goin thro .. strictly for chennai fanatics .. which I guess 90 percent of my readers who apparently do not live in chennai are!

Lemme start with our 'world' famous cuvaaam as a mark of auspicion :) guess this is a post from outa the country ..

http://christinewandering.wordpress.com/ says
Our walk home takes us along the Cuoom River, one of two rivers in Chennai. However, to call it a "river" is a bit of a stretch; the words I would use are more like OPEN SEWAGE PIT. The banks are littered (maybe teeming is a better word?) with garbage, and, at any given time, there are no less than four male motorists emptying their bladders into the water.

What does http://lifein360.wordpress.com/ have to say?
Bouquets on the city's infrastructure, it being an IT hub and its shining star - Marina beach and ECR…Brickbats on the weather, water and most importantly..the people…The latter mentioned drawback outweighs all the plusses since a city is made by its people and defined by its people..

And then adds

Wherevr I lived till now, people spoke both Hindi and English. English is good, but English all the time sounds too formal and artificial to me. Hindi brings about this element of casualness and informality to the conversation. Its more of the language you speak in with your pals. And in Chennai, its more Tamil less English :(:(….Learning Tamil is going to be a task now!…Basically at this stage, i cannot rule out the negative possibility of how life in this city is going to turn out

Yea rite!

Here comes someone adding oil to our fire .. !

Then, in Chennai, the government has a monopoly over liquor distribution, which means that restaurants aren't allowed to sell liquor. This makes it okay for a fine dining restaurant to run without serving liquor, and hence the price setters in the market are not high-cost. This probably explains why fine dining is much more reasonable in Chennai compared to Bangalore. Says http://skthewimp.livejournal.com/

Chek out an angry chennaite here.. http://sandhyaiyer.wordpress.com/

First, he said the people here don't even wanna learn hindi (He expects everyone in the country to learn hindi because it is our rashtra bhaasha), where as those in B'lore or Hyd speak hindi… I am a great lover of tamil and I somehow couldn't stand it when he told tamil is just another regional language.

Hey Hey chek this out and have a nice lauf.. at ignorance!!

Accenture Method:Hire a lion....Send him to chennai, ask him to stay on bench for a long time, ask him to eat idli,Dosa and Vada No hindi, kannada or no other languages speaking ppl other than TAMIL...No good food, No water..and specially No Beautiful girls And say him "Go Ahead be a Tiger". Lion dies in confusion he is Tiger or lion......

Oh that lion was http://blogdhaba.blogspot.com/
btw lion 'say him' is purrrrrrphect engleesh i say :P

But in Chennai, the life and the pace is pretty similar to the life I had in Singapore, hectic, fast, crowded and tiring.
Says http://vasanthan.blogspot.com/

Ahem ahem ahem!

Last but not the least here comes news ppl! Chennaites eat in banana leaf.. well yea we live in stone caves too :)

http://mylifeislikearainbow.blogspot.com/ compares

Chennai climate is BAD! ( Bad would be an understatement…I would prefer the Mumbai Rains to it anyday! )

The Auto Drivers/ Taxiwala's of Bombay are so much more cordial in comparison to Chennai.

The Chennai Junk Food ,am sorry to say is just average…….( now I am sure the chennaites would say that I did not know where to go and find stuff )…….but that is not my idea of junk food…you should find stuff when you are hungry (not having to go from one end of the city to the other to find a particular thing)

Chennai has too many people who booze! ( Imagine you find people drunk in the bus at 9 in the morning)

In Chennai ladies in the bus are always quarrelling!!!!!!!( Duh! Gets on to my nerves)

In Chennai you cannot hang out with friends at beaches and stuff at night. You have cops who would accuse you of indecent and improper behaviour.

Hmm…may be the simplicity of people out there is nice…..Hard to find that trait in Bombay!!!

For the Carnatic Music fanatics, Chennai is the place to be!

'Malli poo'( Mogra )….I simply love the fragrance….you find it everywhere!

The cost of living……. so economical and affordable!

Eating on Banana Leaves! ( very hygienic! )

The local trains are better out there ( But I would still prefer travelling on the foot board in the Mumbai Local trains)

Ufff!! I guess thats nuff fun for a day .. lemme get bak to my real world.. i almost forgot i live in this place a lot of others are hallucinating about .. but all i can say is hmm hmm......... no comments :P

I feel it in ma fingers i feel it in ma toesss

2008-06-19T11:52:00.000+05:30

I hear complains from few readers tht my posts don provide 'food for thought' nemore mayb cos its more about food food and food i write nowdays? .. but words and food are becoming equally passionate to me these days .. and wat better when i can combine both ... i do have some thoughts which i can share… or not? i dono …i sure have lost touch with writing controversies ..

But yes i am looking for some anwers to some questions m sure there r no answers to. then wat m i lookin for? Thts wat m lookin for .. ok cuttin the crap .. lets say m thinkin about the basic essence of life, or atleast wat i think and have always believed as wat the world goes around for.. if u know me u guessed it rite.. m bak to cribbing about love and as always wondering wtf is it! So typically me but hey do u have an answer?

So many things happening around me, weddings, heartbreaks, affairs, sex... emotions being played around left and rite swinging around everywhere in the air.. hostility care indifference detachment attachment lust ... well u kno emotions don u! Now what is love? The word that’s used for every damn thing with no value attached to it nemore ...

I feel love wen i get butterflies in my tummy.. na thts just freakin lust..na i wudnt give it so much of an honor.. its probably well... hmm just butterflies? I feel love wen my mom brushes my hair sayin m the most beautiful baby shes ever seen.. isn't it too unconditional to be love.. is that wat is just love? i feel love wen m made to feel special by someone.. me call that vulnerable.. u dumb gal! I feel love when my kids come running to me even wen I c them after a year.. its overwhelming to kno they rem u after so long.. hmm so this cud b love .. but thn again how far or long is it? I feel love wen m made love to .. but then there r so many times wen u feel like a fukin machine… well quite literally … no no no dear!

But wait I truly believe or believed that love is ever thing in the world to live for.. love is god.. it’s the only form of creation I know and so can believe it to be the creator or god or whatever u wnana call it..sometimes u do feel well … hell with it .. theres no shit called love its just a freakin word to fool me .. to make me do things I ll never do otherwise.. to make me surrender.. to make me budge.. hurt me gimme pain … but then again whats wrong in that? What else is the world spinning around for?

Yes I agree tht whatever may come I will not (even wen I so badly want to) give up my basic value in life – to give love and be loved .. in whatever way possible.. Love is giving… love’s inside you its more fun wen u give it out … than getin more n more n stockin it inside.. don wonder if m a saint! Apparently sometimes I decide tht I shud be expecting no love in return .. Duh! how long u think someone can keep giving? It only accumulates to frustration and desperation … and its ugly followings .. better unmentioned...

So now actually coming to the wat I wanted to say :D this key to life.. cud it mean a lot diff to a lot of ppl? .. it so confusing! Wen I say I love u I just mean I love u … wat else can it mean? But then wat does it mean? There r ppl who value it as commitment? Mayb thts wat the Indian media has projected it to be .. man thts scary.. if something as free-willed as love can be made a commitment … its like imprisoning god in some random jail on earth! It demeaning its narrow and its sick..but thts me alrite...most ppl don agre with me wen i say motherhood is in a gal rite from birth, i think its an inborn quality, feeling and value to be a woman in the first place.. i turn furious wen i hear this common sayin 'a woman is complete wen she attains motherhood' .. of crap man .. that is so ironically stupid .. a woman is a woman only wen she has the 'mother' in her .. and it has no shit to do with 'f'ing and makin another creature plz...

Getting back to our God being imprisoned, I ve never believed in commitment or anything thts forced upon me without love .. learning from life ..i realize m not exactly rite.. u cud always love ur commitment .. or love to be committed...thts wat a marriage is all about rite? else why wud any one wana stick to one person all their life?.. being an Indian thats a basic moral ethic in our country aint it?..

hey don chek the link again … yes its me talking… don get me wrong .. there is always an ‘if’ there is love… and there is always as many ‘buts’ as in this post…

BUT then again.... wtf is this love am crapping so much bout?????????

Yellow Yellow Dirty Fellow!

2008-06-02T12:58:00.000+05:30

I came zooming back home trying to escape the scorching sun, wiping my sweat, turning the air conditioner on and actually talking to it… ‘F***in' cool up fastttttt’ I yelled frustrated. Nobody can deny the heat that had taken over Chennai this summer, like any other year but somehow this yr has burnt me into something unrecognizable. So one more bang at the door and that was my final call for the juicy watermelon my mom was cutting for me, well it better be worth all the pain I went through to buy it. What the hell is she doing! BANG BANG I knocked my door, no way on earth am getting outa the room. Still no reaction from her! Fine I walked out not able to resist the site of juicy red watermelon and getting it in my mouth cooling my head but wat I saw shocked me! There was this juicy fleshy YELLOW watermelon! Ahhh! Now what is this? No wonder she was wondering what to do with it so long. Is there something called a Yellow Watermelon or is it some kinda hybrid with pumpkin or is it just some Very OLD watermelon! I almost don’t care; I just want to quench my thirst right now… fine let’s ask Google and Wiki I decided; the only people I trust lately!

And here is what the internet told me… so many blogs with ‘SURPRISE’ I saw a yellow watermelon posts! But nothing from India … so mine has the privilege to be the first surprise-watermelon-post in a blog from India I guess! Anyways there were some useful info sites; Wiki has a very small entry in the keyword ‘watermelon’ itself that’s all. Seems this variety is supposed to be more honey tasting and juicier… so I rushed and digged in to the scary looking yellow watermelon hoping am alive tomo, cos I still wasn’t really sure how this came to India in the first place! But I don’t think this one’s any sweeter and better than our yummy looking/tasting life-saving weight-reducing reddy reddy watermelons!

Some info I got on the net!
http://www.produceoasis.com/Items_folder/Fruits/YellowWMelon.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Watermelon
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080302112816AAhP71S
http://www.calorie-count.com/forums/post/44844.html
http://www.watermelon.org/watermelon_funfacts.asp

Some Man-am-so-surprised blogs…
http://caviarandcodfish.com/2007/06/01/yellow-watermelon/
http://funnyaccent.typepad.com/funnyaccent/2004/10/post.html
http://senacle.blogspot.com/2006/06/on-yellow-watermelons.html
http://www.forks.ca/yellow-watermelon--012708.php
http://jackson.typepad.com/photos/taiwanese_food/yellowwatermelon.html
http://www.chezpei.com/2006/08/yellow-watermelon.html
http://crumbs.nomadlife.org/2006/06/yellow-watermelon.aspx
http://thespicecafe.com/2007/07/24/watermelon-ginger-ale/
http://arrgh-matey.com/crap/yellow.html

The funniest thing I found after some research later is the Yellow Watermelon appreciate group! The tagline goes like … "I wish i was a yellow watermelon"! What the hell! .. hehehe
http://www.bebo.com/Profile.jsp?MemberId=4894980279

And of course some funny youtube videos too!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6kxP_hPeRi8&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rVyTDKisbQk&feature=related

A date with Mr.Murphy

2008-05-29T11:07:00.000+05:30

If anything can go wrong, it will!
If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something
If everything is going right ... something is wrong.
Any thing that can go wrong, HAS Already Gone Wrong.

If you go to bed with an itchy ass, you wake up with smelly fingers!
Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value
In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it.
Any time you put an item in a "safe place", it will never be seen again.

No matter where I go, there I am.
A person without values or standards can never be a hypocrite.
An expert is someone with an opinion and a word processor.
The road to success is always under construction
If at first you don't succeed destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

Mrs. Murphy's Law
If anything can go wrong it will go wrong when Mr. Murphy is out of town....
If something goes wrong, it's Mr. Murphy's fault.
If Murphy's law is right then it will go wrong
If you apply Murphy's Law, it will no longer be applicable.

And on the eighth day God said; "O.K. Murphy, you take over!"
If you make it through a Murphy Day...YOU WIN!

Sansmerci's goin places!

2008-05-26T11:27:00.000+05:30

First of all F*** the GM diet! Its a total piece of crap and I only put on more weight after i stopped it! Most regretful post i did on my blog is about the diet... never mind! Thats all for the bad news!

The good news is...
1. m off my medication after almost a year !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2. My darling doc has prescribed me into pills to reduce weight added due to such meds :) Can it get better? Doesnt mean am gonna get it just like that, need to workout and diet too..

Now why the hell did i call this post this way? Check it out for urself

sansmerci.instablogs.com

http://chennai.burrp.com/user/sansmerci

sansmerci.sulekha.com

Keep cheking my regular updates in these sites! I will keep it on the navigation panel in here. Since sansmerci has been unstoppably writing on blogs and freelancing sites and a lot more... i never had time to let the devil play on my mind, doesnt mean am gonna desert my first child :)

My Experiments with ...

2008-05-15T14:49:00.000+05:30

Okay! Since a lot of people have been asking me to write bout the MAGIC diet that I followed.. here it goes... sorry to disappoint u guys its called the GM diet and u can jus browse Google to know a lot bout it … but here i write bout my experience with it!

Rules I did not follow –
Do not even attempt to smell anything other than what is given on the diet for each day, if you really wanna lose weight and are dedicated to it.
Learn to cook the wonder soup, search for GM wonder soup anywhere u can have it anytime how much ever you want (don use any ready made soup they contain lotsa sugar n starch)
NO MILK except on day four Get over coffee at work or shift to black coffee (or just pretend that u din read this line!)
Go easy on salt and no sugar intake
NO FRUIT JUICES except day 7! Abstain from all alcohol…
Drink 10 glasses of water for sure and 1/3rd more on Day 5!

I would like to confess that I did not follow even one of this except the alcohol part of course (teetotaler alrite!) I did have coffee (milk and sugar) everyday, fruit juice by mistake one or two times and I really din make an effort to cook the soup, and duh! I couldn’t eat my veggies without salt for heavens sake! And my answer to point one is yea I was partly dedicated, I did take a bite or two now and then to cheat my tongue from depression. Trust me it works, take a bite of ur favourite food and chew it longer cheatin urself like ur eatin lots, all ur tongue needs is the taste, quantity doesn’t matter.

Ok so this is a 7-day diet, I am not gonna describe it cos its all over the internet.

Day ONE – All fruits except bananas.

‘Melon’choly day – Toughest day, makes u wnana give up so badly but trust me push thro this, and its gonan b too good from day 2!

Breakfast: watermelon pieces
One litre of aquafina (say between 11 to 2)
Lunch: lunch box full of water melon
One litre of aquafina (say between 3 to 6)
Dinner: Watermelon pieces and one apple

(Try to eat just water melon, it helps lose more weight ...don b an ass like me)

Day TWO – All vegetables starting with a large baked potato for breakfast.

POtaTOE! – a diet that lets u have potato wow! tho its jus bland baked potato with a lil butter n maybe pepper on it, u die for this after a day long of just melons!

Breakfast: Boiled/Micowaved potato no butter (cheated with a lil salad dressing, com’n I din do use butter!)
One litre of aquafina (say between 11 to 2)
Lunch: salad at subway – lotsa crunchy lettuce, cucumber, onion, tomato, fat-free sweet onion dressing ( not supposed to but its irresistible) btw try it out its the sexiest i ve had in chennai!
One litre of aquafina (say between 3 to 6)
Dinner: home cooked boiled cabbage one big bowl and some chopped cucumber.

(Potato is yumm even if it has no seasoning! Veggies with water content reduce weight soon like cabbage, snake gourd, ash gourd and beetroot.)

Day Three – Fruits and vegetables

Oh-yea-m-on-a-diet day!

Breakfast: very few pieces of apple and some green grapes
One litre of aquafina (say between 11 to 2)
Lunch: salad at pizza hut – lil smaller bowl lettuce, pineapples, cucumber, etc.
One litre of aquafina (say between 3 to 6)
Dinner: cooked beetroot (cheated with a spoon of curd) and grapes

(Veggies are tastier than fruits and healthier too. Just go easy on oil/salt.)

Day Four – Eight bananas and drink three glasses of milk

Go Ba’na’na’s!

Breakfast: 1 banana and my usual large cup of coffee (not cheating cos milk is allowed today!)
One litre of aquafina (say between 11 to 2)
Lunch: 2 bananas and a frappe at CCD [:D]
uff no water!
Dinner: two bananas around 6’clock and 1 small cup milk at 9 o’ clock

(You don’t need to finish all the 8 bananas eat as much as u can. But the body naturally craves for banana n nothing else today. Get non-fat milk, try not to add sugar or sugar substitute.)

Day Five – 10 oz. portions of lean beef (lean protein) and whole tomatoes

Supposed to be the FEAST day! Naaaaaaaaa

Breakfast: hard boiled egg (din remove yolk since m a sucker for it!)
Lemon juice with salt
Lunch: tomato rasam with very few spoons of rice and lotsa extra tomato pieces
Forgot the water (supposed to drink 1/3 extra today!)
Dinner: sprouts with tomato and 2 big glasses of tomato juice (unstrained) with salt

(Tomatoes reduce weight like nothing else! Eat tomato morn day n nite and c the difference. I am planning to go on a complete tomato diet! Make sure to get the water requirement for this day. Vegetarians can substitute the beef for egg whites (strictly no yolk, spoils the whole purpose), sprouts/tofu is the best option! You are allowed to make a sandwich out of any of these ingredients today.)

Day Six – Unlimited Beef (lean protein) and vegetables

Egggggggggggggs

Breakfast: hard boiled egg (its better to have sprouts!)
One litre of aquafina (say between 11 to 2)
Lunch: egg white omelet
Forgot the water!
Dinner: cooked cabbage bowel!

(Felt lighter when I woke up, thanks to yesterday's tomatoes. Go for water veggies and sprouts today)

Day Seven – Brown rice, fruit juices and all the vegetables

Now this is my feast day!

Breakfast: skipped!
The new amsutra slice ;) (What the hell I can have fruit juice today rite! .. ok! who am I kiddin?)
Lunch: boiled rice with cauliflower
Forgot the water!
Dinner: cucumber slices and apple juice (unstrained and no sugar)

(DO not drink packed fruit juice, have fresh ones unstrained and no sugar, I found out they actually taste good! Brown rice is thar rice in India, well m not really sure lemme kno if anyone knows, else there is always chapathi as a substitute.)

You can repeat the diet as many times u want but take a minimum 3 day break in between! This is 'not' like other FAD diets letting u starve thro the day, you can fill urself with the food recommended for the day as much as u want, in fact if u ever get hungry then ur not following the diet properly!

Wake up on Day 8 and ur pants will seem bigger! buy a belt for safety, trust me i experienced it!

Now this will sound funny to u after reading all this! I did not lose any weight after I did this diet! But I ve lost inches and I feel lighter and able to dress like I used to! Mayb its a healthy way to get in shape and a great mood lift! But one thing to remember is that 'don hog after the diet is over'.. its too easy to get the weight bak in maybe just a couple of days! Keep exercising as much as u can and plz be grateful to friends veggie fruits lean protien and water (esp. melon and tomato?) and keep eating lotsa them in ur every day diet!

...and on my way to nowhere...I lost myself somewhere!

2008-05-10T13:38:00.000+05:30

No this is not my usual 'Oh-am-so-lost' post, am very much alive and understanding that i am but I cant find myself, the person I was, that I thought, knew I was. It's so tough to be in this new avatar I am in. Its like am a completely diff personality who I (as swarna) despise! I am so boring! I can’t believe that am boring. Well I do have some evidence that makes me believe that am boring. For starters I have started typing with proper punctuations and in ‘English’! Now that must be shocking to most people who follow my blog since the day I started yapping here cos my words have always been a no-control no-rules mess, just like me and I probably had the worst spelt posts that blogspot has ever seen.. hehe… neways (lemme try and sound like myself!)

Now my wardrobe needs a complete make over, m sick of my depressing clothes I ve chosen in the funny lil depressed stint I was in last yr. wooo man! the effects are crazy too long to handle. I feel a 100 yrs older in just a year. Yea yea am tryin to be bak but personality doesn’t just comprise of words and wardrobe rite? From within I can’t be the bubbly self I always was until 24 yrs of my life. Yea I almost stopped making friends and of course not talking to any of the old ones and am completely anti-social (me :O) I jus hate to think of being in the company of ppl … how did I ever become a loner? It seemed biologically impossible for a chatterbox like me!

I am happy i am being 'Swarna' from 'Sansmerci' but i dono which is rite or rong, its like am going thro puberty and i m losing my charm and identity cos of it, is it worth it? In the end i dono who i am, i dono what i stand for or to stand for and feel pathetic. I was stronger wen i was kid (until march 2007?), atleast i had an opinion! Now am strong that being opinionated is being a 'Bad' gal and 'Good' gals compromise and live life for their loved ones. Well yea i always wanted to keep my loved ones happy but from when did i want to be the 'good' gal? Yikees! I’m interested things I would ve shunned a year back, I actually don mind things I was strongly against, I dono if I have given up on life or dreams or if I jus don wanna fite? Oh am I a loser? Maybe am just becoming 25 in my head, now if 25 feels this crappy how wud 30 feel like? I really have no interest or motivation to see that. Some ppl still call me a party gal, all i think is 'yea rite!' I cant even relate to the gal now, I would probably get scared of her if I c her now… maybe run away.. or is that wat am doin? Running away from myself … or is this what u call growing up? Maturity? Getting serious bout life? Whatever it is … TRUST ME IT SUCKS BIG TIME!

Found a Friend in Food

2008-04-28T18:34:00.000+05:30

I am happy I took a break for a week and writing this today. I’ve read a lot in this mean time while I have some changes in my mood too (yea as always). But I’ve a reason now something I want to share with everyone. Everyday I get to read a million articles on women, fitness, diet, clothing, fashion, exercise, this, that and what not. Moreover, there are commercials, television and movies. I might not know much women but almost everyone I know are so figure conscious, no matter if they weigh 30 kgs or 70 kgs. Well this includes me too. Sometimes, these seem like a positive thing but mostly it seems negative. Guess almost all of you know the incredible amount of weight I have put on since few months now that some people don’t even recognize me anymore? Yea I blame it on the medication I was/am on, but I agree I dint make much effort in the initial stage of it and now whatever I do, I just can’t get rid of it.

I made a resolution stating that I will diet and exercise and bring down my weight back to what I was in few months (if you remember me getting enlightened in my New Year post). I literally lived on fruits veggies and coffee for some 3 months out of which I hit the gym for 20 days causing me to put on another few kgs. I almost gave up, no actually I gave up! Started hogging on food left, right and centre. It was like revenge and I dint know I was hurting myself in the whole process but it’s like a vicious circle. You eat, feel guilty, get depressed and hog to chase away the blues (I swear nothing comforts like food not even alcohol). Maybe cos I have given up all my habits and have no resort to depend and was too lonely all thro the day and needed some company (my friend food). Now that adds a few more kgs. I resorted to pills and starting abusing FOOD and I really dint know that I was actually a victim of Bulimia nervosa. This is an eating disorder where people binge eat. Once I read up on it, it only interested me more and I was actually considering abuse of laxatives until I got to read the horrible effects of it! It is a typical act of Anorexics who are crazily affected by their body image and starve/purge and do everything to maintain it. I do agree that I believe that my good looking is very important to my self image and how I feel. I realized its not just me, there so many women around the world and a few I know too are disturbed so much due to this stereotypical stick figure view of a good looking woman but at the cost of physical and mental well being?

THINK AGAIN! (Well that doesn’t mean that am thinking again!)

And for all you Bulimics and Anorexics there (or almost there), I just found a MIRACLE DIET, (cant believe am saying that!) something that is fast, healthy and doesn’t take much of an effort. It actually worked for me. I still am yet to get outta the surprise (shock?)…. Dono how long it gonna last... So let me POSTpone it to the next POST!

Nobody invited you to read ...

2008-04-21T16:31:00.000+05:30

He’s gotta girlfriend
She has got a kid
She got married
He is engaged
He got a busy job
She got her own family
He got other patients
She went to study
He went abroad
He found his career
She found a rich guy
He got a wife
He … she … can’t think of more
And if even SHE is preoccupied
Where do I go?

Why am I getting bak to my dark world? For no reason? I dono but its just too lonely here … this time am sure somebody will save me b4 I sink in it. Somebody talk to me plz am going crazy here all alone .. how does it feel living with urself the whole day? Do u have an idea? How does it feel to carry so much within u and walk alone ……

What did I actually wanna write on? My mind is so restless am not able to get a hold of it and put down words here. Its flying out in every direction possible

NO I aint surrendering
You cant have me back my love …
You know I cant resist you
but is that all u care
After all you hurt me
what makes you think
I would get back to u for help
Yes I slipped but never again
I would rather lose my head
I would rather die restless
I would rather spend sleepless nites
But I don need to sleep with u
U can seduce u can overdose…
For all u care, I cud b no more in the morn …

Oh it feels so nice after I got that shit outa my head! Feels good to have written that, I know makes no sense to u! If you think its bout my x boyfriend…Get to know me soon!

Anyway, wud like to add to this psychic post I actually wanted to post on Bulimia and Anorexia, if you are wondering what it is, it’s the new battle am fighting against…

Burrrrrrrrrrp

2008-04-03T17:45:00.000+05:30

http://www.burrp.com/newsletter/chennai/2008/April/index.html

A dedication to sansmerci...

2008-03-19T17:20:00.000+05:30

who is still wondering if she should c 25 or no? Time’s running out there is just a few hrs more…

My hearts been beaten black and blue
My green veins are running a reddish hue
My eyes tear-ing into a salty brown
My nose turns pink, m looking like a clown
My dried up scars are splitting again
My scratching nails are yellow n insane
My blotted body is pale turning white
Rainbows are jealous looking at this sight!
Happy Birthday Baby!

My resolution is to remember that am nothing special and everybody has birthdays and not to make a fuss about it from now on, now that am 25 .. Am celebrating silver jubilee.. Uh! Here I go again … but hey what’s wrong is being happy on my birthday .. After all its just about one day for me!

And yes I will grow up … like everyone wants me to.. or I wont just like everyone says!

And yea sansmerci.in, formerly known as undefinedoxymoron.blogspot.com has reached 10,000 hits since August 2006.

Another reason to celebrate? I got more than a million reasons to celebrate in the last few weeks but I realized I’ve become absolutely nirvanic and have learnt to take both excitement and pain with numbness. Now am I matured?

Lesson learnt: Lying is maturity, fraud is the beginning of wisdom, and hypocrisy makes you a complete human being!

Maybe I shouldn’t be writing this now or posting it, but I do need a birthday post and a 10k post but am sorry this is my current state of mind. But I promise there is a lot coming up; I’ve been researching on many topics lately. How interesting it is to you, I really don’t know. Also written some stories to be published here.

Anyways wish me into the next quarter of my life starting from tomo. Am looking forward to lose a lot this yr right from my identity as sansmerci to my loneliness to my insanity to my habits to my immaturity(really don want to) to my weight (really want to) etc etc. It ll be a New-me or a No-me for good.

PS: I ve started writing restaurant/food reviews on chennai.burrp.com as Sansmerci of course. DO follow up!

Once upon a time there was a 'Sansmerci'

2008-03-08T09:40:00.000+05:30

Who am i what am i doing here
disturbed lost and confused
where do i belong what do i live for
what shud i compromise
what shud i stand up for
how do i please everyone
how do i not hurt anyone
sometimes whats rite seems rong
if this is rite then which is rong?
is love aint true?
Does hostility rule?
if i cant answer these
i aint worth this life she gave me
or mayb i am but again i don agree...
one thing am sure of my
life or death will be with you
so if am worth it or not is totally upto you!

DON FORGET TO VOTE!

Tagged by PointBlank and here are my answers

2008-03-04T11:24:00.000+05:30

Eight things I am passionate about:

1. Writing – utter crap at least I don care as long as I let my thoughts out n there is at least one person to read it.
2. Cooking – its an art I like to master I jus love to experiment and play with flavors n cuisines .. not killed anyone yet so m lil confident ..mayb I ll b a chef or open a restaurant one day .. like every tom dick n harry wants to
3. Children – love em wherever whoever however they r .. n consider every kid in the world to b mine .. m too damn selfish
4. Love – wanna spread it .. make it a world religion/epidemic .. I kno its impossible
5. Beauty/art – admire it in any form gals/boys/nature/painting/writing/eyes/words/sadness/saris/beach/children/poetry/what not .. a thing of beauty is a joy forever!
6. Depression/ death – I kno ur all sighing there but I cnt deny it its true .. I do admire and enjoy sadness, m in love with it and I worship death and the gothic/psychedelic emotions/feelings/experience attached to it … well I think it takes a lota depth to understand the beauty n passion of this .. yea am a goth/emo.. call me whatever
7. Emotions – I hate indifference, wats life without emotions m either too elated or too sad.. but its nice to b in extremes than b bland n numb .. that’s real death
8. LOVE MAKING – It is an art! I think it’s the essence of life birth love emotions creation relationships and everything that gives a reason to live … the way i can express love and feel loved … I think if one is not passionate in love making they can as well not be alive ..

Eight things I want to do before I die (In no particular order):

1. Adopt my baby/grow her into the most loved and spoilt brat
2. Build an orphanage – I know thts jus a dream
3. Make my amma feel proud of me/ as the most loved mother for at least a minute in her life
4. Live in a dream beach house
5. Visit the world - Singapore Bangkok Mauritius Australia Paris Switzerland London Dubai? Nice try!
6. Find out what LOVE actually is
7. Become a famous writer! Yea rite!
8. KISS A GIRL AM IN LOVE WITH and vice versa…

Eight things I say often:

1. Yea rite!
2. Nice try!
3. ammaaaaaaaa
4. k/whatever/like I give a dam/fuk/like I care
5. I dono/hehe
6. FUK OFF/dumb fuker/loser/asshole – am a bad gal L
7. :D/Huggy - Yea i live on the internet
8. thuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

Eight books I’ve read recently:

I am not a reader .. guess everyone knows it … lemme try answering anyway!

1. Sweet valley university – lota episodes.. oh I mean versions uh? Ok whatever u call it.
2. Tell me your dreams – my all-time fav and many other Sidney Sheldon novels which all seem the same to me now
3. MEN R FROM MARS WOMEN R FROM VENUS – non-ficiton i cud relate to n enjoy reading!
4. Da vinci code – that was like a duty to read since everyone did
5. wow m at 5 think I can do it .. hmm hmm yea I used to read a few comics/childrens magazine
6. ahh 3 more .. lemme c .. I ve read stories written by myself I ll blog them soon
7. I follow many blogs regularly
8. yes I read sansmerci.in over n over again esp the comments!

Neways I don read I prefer watchin dvds.

Here are 8 (Not really!) Movies I can watch over n over:

1. Girl interrupted – the story of my life!
2. Love actually – story of everyones life!
3. Big daddy – or any kid movie for tht matter
4. 50 first dates (adam sandler movies/romantic comedies)
5. Finding nemo – NUMBER ONE always! And many other animation movies
6. Butterfly effect/monster/ many more psycho thrillers
7. Rangeela – only Hindi movie I love and some Indi movies like Flavors, FIRE
8. alaipayuthey /minnale /snehithiye/ dum dum dum!

Eight songs I could listen to, over and over:

Right now it is -

1. Kryptonite – 3 doors down
2. Where is the love – BEP
3. Lemon tree – Fool’s garden
4. Aisha – outlandish
5. Fuck it – eamon
6. King of sorrow – sade
7. Iris – goo goo dolls
8. She will be loved - Maroon 5

It changes too damn often … depends on my mood .. n 8 is too less a number for music ..don you think?

Eight things that attracts me to my best friends:

1. Broad mindedness
2. Open n frank n honest
3. Partner in crime
4. Non-judgmental/non-stereotyping
5. rebellious no boundaries outa the box thinking but no westernization or attitude … need to b down to earth
6. Good looking and an eye for the good looking!
7. Be there wen m down n listen to my advice patiently wen they r down
8. Put up with my moods and understand my immaturity PAMPER ME!

Eight people I think should do this tag:

Everyone on my fav list and if possible more ppl .. but u think ppl are as jobless as I am?

Anyway who wants to read all this about me? Hey wait dont tel me am gonna be spammed! oh Crap!

Lonelytown

2008-03-01T16:16:00.000+05:30

This place I don’t belong faking life
This time I don’t emote faking smile
I wanna go home to lonelytown
I wanna go back where I belong
My shiny tears and beautiful fears
Dark and cloudy silent and haunted
Where is my pain am missing you
Where is my sorrow m empty without you
Come and take me home my gothic baby
Happy clowns here r scaring me
Oh so phony. Oh so crazy!
Come take me home to lonelytown
Come take me home to lonelytown
That is where I belong!

I am starving without some bleeding
I am dying without some insanity
Life so eventless so mediocre so nothing
Life so pretentious so-called happy!
Where I am, am so lost, lost in the crowd
Crowd of clones with no mind of their own
Save me from this place filled with sham
The cheater ‘joy’ and the fooling ‘excitement’
The Liar ‘love’ and the selfish ‘compassion’
Am sorry momma I gotta go back now
Don’t worry I’d be better in my home
Am going back to lonelytown
Am going back to lonelytown
That is where I belong!

Where is the Love?

2008-02-25T17:02:00.000+05:30

My brand needs a logo rite?

2008-02-08T15:43:00.000+05:30

Thanks to Anand :)

Because of You

2008-02-04T16:15:00.000+05:30

This is a song written by someone special influenced by his alter ego who is a writer!

I love it for the amount of pain, loneliness, hurt, guilt, regret, disappointment, heartbreak, nostalgia and truth it speaks! I could not express my sorrow so well in a song to my special someone. But more than anything the abundance of love hid behind every word is mind-boggling. Read on!

Unseeingly implausible but never impossible
was the incubated love for my alter ego
Sane thoughts were bashed by insane emotions
Days seemed shorter but lonely nights were never-ending

Dreams were built on principles and lives were built on dreams
Interests collided but fondness presided
Distance was trifling but time was perpetual
Heart was filled with love and life was filled with fun

But when did i collapse??
How did i love my ego more than my alter ego?
Why did my heart sleep for eternity??

I hate you for making me cry but i hate u more for makin me lauf
I hate you for my loneliness i hate you more for our togetherness
I hate you for my boredom i hate you more for all the fun
I hate you for the way i am i hate you more for the way i am not
I hate you for all the right reasons i hate you more for the wrong reasons

I hate myself for hating my love and lovin my hate

Oh my evil twin hear me loud
Thy shall not reach the gates of heaven
without saving my shackled soul
from the darkness of hell!

Thanks a million
Sorry from the bottom of my heart
BIG applause
and tons and tons of Luv!
Sansmerci

My first attempts with photoshop!

2008-01-25T14:53:00.000+05:30

Every Hero is a Superhero

2008-01-22T16:18:00.000+05:30

Here’s an age-old subject which has been discussed over n over again but no one seems to come to a conclusion cos’ everyone has their own opinion on it.

But one of my friends wanted me to write about this on my blog, as he was very worried about what’s happening to the world. He is the kind to take the first step to change the world. Maybe he will one day! We will call him ‘KOLI’ for our reference here, since he does not like unnecessary publicity, which will interfere in his superhero acts and he mite get exiled (watch ‘Incredibles’ for more info).

FYI: He is also known to have a Split Personality named 'GOLI'!

KOLI says: Men and women are not treated equal in this world! Why is that men are always measured with the amount for their bank balance and women are measured with their beauty. Why do women fall for men with money and men fall for the looks? If Amitabh can romance with Jiah khan, why cant Shahid Kapur romance with Jaya Bachchan? Why are people so shallow and cant see women as nothing beyond entertainment material? Why can’t these rules be broken? This is unfair; it’s ridiculous I SAY! We have to do something about this …

And KOLI runs around screaming: Why God but Why???????????????

I had to get outa the scene before he turned into GOLI.
But KOLI, here is what I think bout this ….

MY OPINION is that everything was planned out well in the olden days. Men had to work, women had to take care of the home. Probably decided on the basis that men can work hard and women are delicate physically, plus family needs mother nurturing more than the father, based on the emotional quotient. So SHE does what she is good at (emotional task) and HE does what he is good at (the physical). Today, the world has changed and women are more educated. BUT are fooling themselves in the name of so-called FREEDOM, burdening themselves with work outside and at home. Cos of this kids don’t get the love they long for or a family to mold them. Fine it’s a fast world, no use talking bout it.

But you have to agree that since men are hypocrites, women have to lose their identity today. Men cannot accept change, but want to be it. Women have changed but they can’t be it cos men wouldn’t be. If you know what I mean! Today’s guys are ready to be open-minded but only outside the house, which some straightforward girls cannot understand or act! It should be the same vice versa, but since I donno much gals I have no comments on it. Who knows it could be worse with hypocritic women. Na! Am losing track where was I …hmmm…

Yea so …due to the role reversals, you think it is not fair to judge a guy with the money he has or a woman with how she looks. Fair enough, I would say that judging by itself is not fair. But I should tell you, for a guy that’s very sweet of you to think like that. But I am not with you in this. Men and women can never be equal; they are different in every way. When a man knows a woman falls or stays with him only if he works hard and earns, he does it to keep her happy. A woman is happy when she knows she is good looking and when she is at her best. She gains the confidence to win the world, not just emotionally, but strong in every way. Haven’t you seen the ‘Fairever’ ads, 'with great beauty comes great confidence'. It is a source of motivation to keep themselves fit and admirable and yes only the need to be attractive to a guy would encourage her. So this is how the society has to work if we have to keep going on.

Now don get me wrong. I don like women being treated like entertainment either. I wouldn’t ever wear jewelry or make up unless I personally want to. But trust me, being a woman (at least physically) I know how important it is for her to feel good looking and be appreciated for it. It is only when it goes beyond healthy motivation and negative utilization, I get frustrated. You should watch the ‘Bee Movie’ to know what will happen if the chain breaks. Bees make honey, humans use it! Bees get angry and sue humans and win. No more honey for humans but what happens to the bees? They get lazy to work and since there is no more pollination the world gets dry! Nature has a cycle for a reason.

And hey lemme tell u something, not every gal falls for rich guys and not every guy falls for beauties, there are exceptions since women have become financially independent today and men have grown up to see beyond the superficial. Or so does sansmerci think …mabbe not!

Oh btw every hero is a superhero! Now i dono y i said that, i just had to bring the topic somewhere.. hehe.. but yea it is very true in Indian movies.. every hero does change the world but can we do it in reality? Hmm.. watch 'Evano Oruvan' (Tamil) starring Madhavan - quite a subject and more reality than cinema. Maybe i ll write a separate post bout it. Now coming back to our actual subject... OMG! What have i done ..

B4 we lose our super hero here .. Let's all join hands and call out loud...

Now come back KOLI … THE WORLD NEEDS YOU!

PS: On a more seirous note, my friend here really looks forward to your opinion on this subject!

Beyond the Beyond - As my diary reads on 21/05/07

2008-01-21T14:21:00.000+05:30

love is all around spread it show it share it socialise party humanity LIFE give take love care beautiful everybody loves u ur in the limelite nobody cares but a few good friends u think nobody caresnobody really careseverybody actually give up n stop carin u don care bout urself nemore u stop carin for others u hurt urself hurt everyone around hostility indifference loneliness dark ugly addiction death beyond a point nobody cares n wen u give up but wat u dono is theres a point beyond where life gives up on un u start really carin for urself m scared i care bout me myself .. for the first time in my life not cos theres noone else to .. cos i killed myself .. i gota save myself .. is it too late to love myself? i cnt belive i care for myself ...I CANT !!mayb its the stage beyond the beyond where i got no option but to save msyelf .. or kill myself .. after all m selfish too .. m beyond the beyond stage .. heheheeeeeeeeeeeeeecnt u c ur mailin it to urself n readin it urself u dumb crazy bych

That's a bad suicide note aint it? Atleast for a writer ... well better luck to me next time on both the suicide and the note hehe .. neways m not Kurt Cobain write a sexy note even at that point but that line will always be my anthem - Its better to Burn out than to Fade away!

PS: am sure u din understd nehtin outa it! i did a lil tho wen i was sane .. neways i din edit a word so it remains in its original form u c :) gosh my life was so eventful! boring now!

Conceived with a KISS

2008-01-16T16:54:00.000+05:30

The one breath u sacrificed
Been my life support since
The one touch you blessed me with
Been my reason to smile since
The one kiss that brought me alive
Been my strength to live since
The one-day when we make love
The sun will star the moon on the silver sky

Ever since you made me feel wanted
Woke me up from my grave
I would never forget, I would never regret
Ever since you made me feel loved
Gave me the dream to survive
The lust to live life, the kiss of desire
Put a smile on my face since m pregnant with joy.

Yeah its me!

2008-01-04T11:36:00.000+05:30

JIGSAW

2008-01-03T17:02:00.000+05:30

Empty spaces filled with bits and pieces don’t feel whole
Shattered dreams compensated don’t reach the soul
While am walking around freezing cold
Hope is a luxury I cannot afford

Dreams, hopes, inspiration, ambition, compassion, love, compromise, soul mate, sweet, passion, sex, money, luxury, bitter, desperation, addiction, emptiness, loneliness, fear, god, music, heart, hurt, bleed, death and life after the soul is dead! How do I dream again?

It so happens that when we need something we don’t get it and when we get it we don’t know its worth and when its too late we need it badly again. This circle is too damn funny when I come to think of it, looking at it as a person outside the world, as a 3rd person to the human mind. I wanna lauf my ass off at this inversely proportionate theory of what ppl need and what they get. But yeah I am not a 3rd person here and my life is almost always ruled by this crazy formula.

Think of it, this would’ve happened to you, something that felt home feels strange, someone who felt ‘yours’ seems a stranger and everything your world was made of could mean nothing to you one day. It’s kinda creepy actually. I am very nostalgic and I can relate to a place or person even after years of separation. But still with some people or places, say an office you worked for years or a person who was your best friend from childhood don’t seem to fit in your life when you meet them after so many years cos you and your life has changed completely. But the greatest miracle is that one word of hatred, one act of repulsion or a spot of misunderstanding makes a place not home anymore or distant a friend from the heart in a fraction. The theory of finding intimacy with someone who was a stranger once is acceptable but vice versa is definitely weird!

Life is like a jigsaw puzzle of a broken mirror image of yourself. You try to put yourself in place but you don’t realize its all just a reflection of who you are and what you do. A broken heart is as painful even after compromise like a rose that smells the same whatever name you call it. Life is definitely not a box of chocolate, if so we’ll all be named Forrest Gump! Cos when I don kno whats rong or rite, and act impulsive I only get what I deserve!

PS: Please ignore or just lol at my new found philosophical writing, am just dead bored at work and jotting down everything that wen thro my head with no sequence as usual. You know its weird when I started (thinking to start?) writing good (positive) stuff on my blog as most (that is all) of you keep telling me to … all I get to read in others blogs r tempting me to get bak to dark writing! Whatever said and done, words are best when you are depressed or drunk!

HAPPY HAPPY NEW YEAR 2008!

2007-12-27T17:35:00.000+05:30

Finally the year comes to an end and I already feel like my miseries are ending with the year ending. I have never taken any resolution in all these years. I am reaching a quarter century and have probably already lived 1/3rd of my life and can’t think bout anything good that I have done to myself or the people around me or for anyone in the world at all. So I am thinking of taking a resolution this year. Not one but many! Probably for all these years I have wasted wasting myself in a wasted world of my own.

Come to think of it, the best year in my life was 2004! 2005 was good enough, no complains. But yea 2006 was getting to my head and 2007 finally made me into a nothing n I was about to lose myself or rather I did and have come back to life again now, thanks to the most understanding doc in the world and the most loving mom in the world who are still by my side. Now my first resolution is to keep their faith on me and give them success by becoming a happy person as I was in 2004. I guess I’ve to make a lotta changes to become myself again. 2004! Wow it was a dream life. If I find a time machine I would go back and stop it rite there and definitely would have never made any of the mistakes I did or regretted later.

So I was analyzing what was so special about this year that makes me so happy when I think of it. Yes I was in the best college with an awesome set of friends, partying all the time, learning mass communication (supposed to be what I wanted to learn from childhood but dint learn anything tho), staying in Sathyam cinema and watching 3 movies a day, really kewl lectures from whom I’ve learnt a lot (ahem), working towards my MS and what not! I can keep on listing them. No I cant get back or do any of this cos I am not 21 anymore. So I decide to look deeper into everything and take the essence of it.

First and foremost, I was being loved. I believe that’s the only thing that keeps me going or anyone for that matter. I was in a perfect relationship with someone perfect, which might never happen again in my life. Nevermind! And then I fell in love! Truly madly deeply crazily in love with someone who loved me the same way back. I had the most romantic days of my life though virtually it was true! I wrote a lot, poetry, scripts, magazine articles, copies for campaigns, simply put as college projects which meant the world to me. I could write and I was appreciated. There was a bunch of people who thought I wrote well. There were a couple of friends who considered me a nice person in spite of all my negatives. I felt good about myself outwardly and inwardly. Took care of my appearance and felt good looking. I was motivated to look forward to something by working towards GRE and applying abroad. I was achieving something, going somewhere, had a future. And YES my kids! The one PR campaign that showed me who I am, the love within me and what made me happy and how one could find happiness and love so easily instead of searching for it everywhere.

So here comes 2008! Another leap year after 2004. I am gonna take a bigger leap this time. I will believe in love once again. I will be a happy person; I will bring happiness to people around me. I wont get into my lonely dark world and cry out for love. I will fall in LOVE once again with all faith and belief and make it the perfect relationship I was looking for instead of searching for the right one who loves me, I will find my career in writing with confidence by writing positive, thinking creative and most of all have a good self image, I will take care of my health and body to feel good looking again eat right work out :P, listen to the one person who loves me unconditionally keep her happy by being happy and a good gal yes am trying to become a teetotaler (really really com’on!) and am sure I’ll achieve it soon, work towards a future if not studying abroad something else to look forward to as a happy future, travel the world or atleast DREAM and plan for it and work for it, follow what life has taught me and last but not the least, visit my kids often love them more find more kids and bring more happiness to myself!

YES! I will DREAM! I will LOVE! No force inside or outside me can stop it again and if it does m gonna throw it outa me or outa my life! Strong stronger strongest is my path now! I am sure I’ll be on my blog in 2009 Jan! Lets c if I keep up all this then I’ll b a better person definitely in love (probably married) :D with lotsa kids where ever I go. Guess I just found my time machine as I was typing my heart out… bye bye I gotta catch it soon….

Hurray! Undefinedoxymoron.blogspot.com will be on
www.sansmerci.in from 2008!

Am 40 percent lady!

2007-12-21T20:15:00.000+05:30

You Are 40% Lady

You tend to make up your rules of etiquette, throwing all conventions aside.
And while you try to be a lady (sometimes), your behavior is often quite shocking.

Are You A Lady?

Mauritius – Paradise on the Indian Ocean

2007-11-17T16:27:00.000+05:30

The Indian Ocean is known for its beautiful oceanic shades of blue and Mauritius is known for endless white fine sand beaches right beside it. The place is abundant with scenic mountains and birds, and is definitely a tropical paradise offering amazing natural beauty. There are major hotels and resorts offering high-class service, the place has a lot of recreations including golf, trekking, spa, ecotourism, etc. It has a multi-cultured society of Indians, Africans, British and French leaving lot of room for many festivals and celebrations through out the year entertaining the tourists. Completely surrounded by coral reefs, the lagoons are full of marine life. Mauritius is an ideal place for honeymooners with the luxury and comfort it provides, along with its natural beauty.

Places of visit in Mauritius are just too many to fit in here, though you would rather sit in a stylish French café and sip some imported wine. Mauritius is well known for its beautiful sugarcane plantations. The Lion Mountain is another important place to go and a marvelous place to hike with eye-catching views of the beach, running straight along the ridge and up over a rocky area to the peak. Tamarin Falls is a series of seven magnificent waterfalls, near a reservoir. But beware! It is like a dream, a beautiful place you can just get lost in it, although it’s a great place for surfing. Le Morne Peninsula gets it’s name from a vast rock called Le Morne Brabant. It has the best beaches in the country and is a place mainly for tourists to visit. Amongst beaches and trendy beach resorts is the busy city of Port Louis, the capital of Mauritius, to complete your honeymoon with great nightlife, cinema and casinos.

The Black River Gorges National Park is a highland area near Curepipe with mountain roads and a large reservoir called Mare aux Vacoas and a lot of coniferous trees. The sacred lake Grand Bassin and Plaine Champagne, the largest natural area on Mauritius are closer to this park. The Riviere Noire Falls is in Piton de la Petite Riviere Noire, the highest point in Mauritius. In the Blue Safari; a submarine in the Indian Ocean with unique and amazing view of the underwater world, one can be one among the fishes and corals and swim through the clear water inside.

The town of Mahebourg, closer to the international airport is a commercial center. There is a beautiful bay in this town, where you can take sunbath and relax before actually reaching Mauritius. Mauritius is easily reachable through air since many airlines from all parts of the world fly to Mauritius and the sea route is mostly used for cargo transport.

Please forgive me if I have ever left a hole or a scar.

2007-11-13T17:03:00.000+05:30

NAIL IN THE FENCE

There once was a little boy who had a bad temper.
His Father gave him a bag of nails
and told him that every time he lost his
temper, he must hammer a nail into the back
of the fence.

The first day the boy had
driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next
few weeks, as he learned to control his
anger, the number of nails hammered daily
gradually dwindled down. He discovered
it was easier to hold his temper than to
drive those nails into the fence.

Finally the ! day came when the boy didn't
lose his temper at all. He told his father
about it and the father suggested that the
boy now pull out one nail for each day that he
was able to hold his temper.

The days passed and the young boy was finally
able to tell his father that all the nails
were gone. The father took his son by the
hand and led him to the fence He said, "You
have done well, my son, but look at the
holes in the fence. The fence will never be
the same. When you say things in anger,

they leave a scar just like this one. You can
put a knife in a man and draw it out.
It won't matter how many times you say "I'm
sorry", the wound is still there.

A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one.
Friends are very rare jewels, indeed. They
make you smile and encourage you to succeed.
They lend an ear, they share words of praise
and they always want to open their hearts to us."

Please forgive me if I have ever left a hole or a scar.

When Pain plays Hero

2007-11-13T16:58:00.000+05:30

Here we go ……… I have decided to bring this blog bak to life not jus by writing but to write in a more pleasant way or shud I say not my kinda way. Yes it shud b a surprise to all u ppl who wud b expecting the same old depressed crap from me … nah nah … guess wat I ve grown up! No not really m still growing outa it … I dono wat m gonna write on ..I read somewr that writers block can be cured by writing down random thoughts scribbling continuously whatever comes to the mind! Now that I have an audience for it … I decided I shud do it …….

BLOCK! No this is not gonna happen! I have decided to survive and not look for a reason to do so. Every human being needs a motivation something to look forward to in life to move on, knowingly or unknowingly. Life sucks otherwise like it did for me .. no reason to wake up or work or even breathe. But when I think of it now I cant really relate my depression to one reason. I cant really answer if someone asked me y the fuk were u depressed! But now I know there r ppl in the world down in the dumps who need serious help. Doctors and treatments do help or maybe they don’t I don really know. It is a disease as pathetic as anything else but ppl feel ashamed to say it out cos they r not really understood. Like any part of the body the brain also goes for a toss sometimes.

Modern psychiatry doesn’t believe in the ‘mind’ at all. Its funny they calculate everything only with the chemicals in the brain but call it ‘mind care clinics’ hehe .. neways they think humans r just a machine and we work, think and act depending on what brain commands. We r jus flesh n blood, emotions r jus hormonal. Feels like m told m not a person at all. But yes I believe in science I gota agree with them. In the process, ppl say ive lost my funnybone. Yea? I find it true too. I cant write for nuts how much this has got into my life. Lost all my friends, lost my talent I based my career on, hurtin myself real bad losin self esteem n confidence is the worst part of anything. Now am in the best stage! Tryin to bring bak everything into my life isn’t really so easy wen the after effects are so deep. But m sure they r not unrecoverable.

No I still have no reason to live. But I decide to survive!

Now m gonna stop using this as my personal diary and start writing good stuff trust me I will … (wink wink). Maybe I shud start with changing my template to a sweeter one!

i needed to read this

2007-10-25T17:57:00.000+05:30

http://www.bloodletters.com/hackyourself.shtml

and i still got paid!

2007-10-23T14:58:00.000+05:30

Since I din have anything to write about I wanna write about how I don have anything to write about. Just keeping the blog alive and my mind alive too. Everybody seems to be working hard no they don’t… everybody seems to be bored at work. I’ve been working for the last few months and am already bored to core in my life. But wen we r really bored and knock someone else to check wat they are doing… that’s wen you kno ur not alone.. how do everyone overcome their free time at work. I do agree some ppl r busy I’m very jealous of them. Idle mind is devil's workshop and the devil has played well on my head boredom turns life into a void! Now wait wat am I writing here.. will there be people to read this too…if u do temme wat u do to overcome boredom at work!

Shower me some inspiration

2007-09-25T14:34:00.000+05:30

I wanna write some love notes
that grow into sweet lullabies
My empty space is echoing
I can hear voices humming
No words of goodness has ever occured
to me; i write only proud tragedies
My cry baby heart lost everyone
HE told me my angel smokes
filled me with dreams and hopes
Said my baby makes the world look pretty
and vanished into thin air already
i spread my arms n look everywhere
ugly fat old n lonely!
Noone to read my song
wen i finally write from my alive brain
Cant rem the last time i spoke
or bid goodbye to my words
Fallen apart! pick my pieces! Put me together!
Am back from my grave lookin 4 luv again
Shower me some inspiration!
Hello? i hate u! Don leave me ...

I really dono wat to write .. some selfish ppl saved me .. am alive
and now i dono wat i shud do.. if anyone is readin this..suggestions plz..i need some inspiration to write ..this is the only place i was alive wen i was dead!

Same time last year

2007-09-12T17:23:00.000+05:30

http://undefinedoxymoron.blogspot.com/2006/09/i-don-believe-in-life-after-death.html

http://undefinedoxymoron.blogspot.com/2006/09/frozen-chilli.html

Sept 07 and am here still with the same feeling, except that it has grown into a bigger thingy and eating me up now … it has a certificate and am still the same… wen will I get out and get a life or will I ever have one?

Movie and a Meal

2007-09-11T11:25:00.000+05:30

Food food food ... i ve been craving for food since a month now .. no wonder i ve grown visibly bulky .. i go for a movie and its about food too!

'Anyone can cook' shud ve been the name for the movie ‘Ratatouille’ or to make it simple ‘Finding Nemo 2’! Yes I really loved the movie, nothing to beat Nemo and his eye movements/Voice tho..its pronounced ‘Rat-a-tou-ee’ I guess! I missed Dori a lot while watchin this movie. Ppl actually clapped in the end of the movie like they wud after a gr8 live performance.

‘Remy is a rat, constantly risking life in an expensive French restaurant because of his love of good food, as well as a desire to become a chef. Yet, obviously, this is a rather tough dream for a rat. But opportunity knocks when a young boy, who desperately needs to keep his job at the restaurant, despite his lack of cooking abilities, discovers and partners the young Remy.’ – IMDB.

Truly unbelievable logic-less story but too good for an animated movie. Emotions were typical of PIXAR ANIMATION! Fell in love with it.. need i say.,. an animated movie about food wat more can I ask for to make me fall for it.. ‘A challenge for the filmmakers was creating computer-generated food animations that would appear delicious. Gourmet chefs in both the US and France were consulted and animators attended cooking classes at San Francisco-area culinary schools to understand the workings of a commercial kitchen’- Wikipedia

Thanks a lot! The movie was a deliciously new recipe, for the first time tempting to cook than eat. Now I definitely need to write about a restaurant, probably the best ever I been to in chennai! Its called Benjarong, a Thai restaurant that is so different, a welcome change, esp for ppl who live in coffee day or beach like me.

The refreshingly new restaurant has awesome service, unbelievably Thai-ish mouth watering food and good ambience and they serve complimentary lemon grass to drink and "Mien Khum" which is a Thai version of Paan with coconut flakes, chilli pieces, lemon, onions, peanuts and a sweet sauce, except that its a starter. I loved the place right away and decided to blog about it. The pineapple rice brought bak memories of Thai restaurants in US and made me eat till the last morsel of rice. If you are in Chennai its time you visit this place, lil expensive but sure worth it! well yea I cudnt try the meat and desserts cos i don like them, so cant write much bout em’ but am sure they are just as fine! Happy eating!

Benjarong, 146, TTK Road, Alwarpet, Chennai' Ph: 4322640/ 7110061 Open 12-30 to 2-45 p.m. and 7-30 to 11-45 p.m. Credit cards accepted, valet parking. Average cost per meal, per head Rs.350. - The Hindu

Back with no BANG

2007-09-04T12:16:00.000+05:30

well am back .. or so i think ...

i ve nothin to write on .. been inside a single hospital room for last 2 weeks.. has driven me crazy.. too claustrophobic yes am scared to even go alone somewhere.. wonder if its the same me ..

I went thro some good bad and ugly experiences and so is the result of the therapy on me!! Psychedelic literally!! my life has taken a new turn .. i like ttis difference but i dont ... am too good to be me!!!!! i dono where am goin .. but m goin on .. with no interest or goal.. but i cant stop again ... like i did .. empty still remains as hollow as ever!

wat to write on next? any suggestions? as of now .. heres another blog test

What kinda blogger am i?

Your Blogging Type Is Thoughtful and Considerate

You're a well liked, though underrated, blogger.

You have a heart of gold, and are likely to blog for a cause.

You're a peaceful blogger - no drama for you!

A good listener and friend, you tend to leave thoughtful comments for others.

What's Your Blogging Personality?

Wanna know how long u gonna live?

2007-08-19T10:55:00.000+05:30

Read some crap on relationships and harmony and watever if ur bored, it will sound good to u if ur depressed, well written, if u need some 'hope' to carry on.. if ur 'hopeless' like me just jump down to the last part it is super fun!

http://www.peterussell.com/WUIT/Relationships.php

http://www.peterussell.com/SP/QReln.php

http://www.peterussell.com/LGN/JustLGo.php

Here it comes! enter your answers honestly and you ll know ur real age (health age now) and how many more yrs ur gonna live if u continue ur lifestyle the same way.. only thing u can do is (i.e. for ppl who wanna live)to decrease ur real health age as much as possible by changin ur habits and hence increasing the number of yrs ur gonna live possibly..

Here's the link! it actually seems very true to me cos they measure it on the rite terms not some crap quiz u find often on the internet at least i believe so...

http://www.peterrussell.dreamhosters.com/Odds/RealAge.php

Even if you are least interested in knowing how long ur gonna live ...at least to get an insight into ur present lifestyle and habits and where ur goin wrong i think u shud take this and sincerely write ur real health age and number of yrs ur gonna live more ...in my comments page! DEAL - I WILL WRITE MINE FINALLY UR SURE TO GET A SHOCK!

rEbOrN 2 lIvE tHiS dEatH aGaiN?

2007-08-18T12:56:00.000+05:30

Watch this space........ till i get some words in my half baked empty head to put down here .... from my broken rotten so-called heart

Some personality tests!! Look at wat they callin me :>

2007-08-08T16:43:00.000+05:30

What Classic Movie Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

Personality Disorder Test Results

Paranoid		58%
Schizoid		42%
Schizotypal		66%
Antisocial		50%
Borderline		74%
Histrionic		82%
Narcissistic		70%
Avoidant		38%
Dependent		50%
Obsessive-Compulsive		26%

Take Free Personality Disorder Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Brain Lateralization Test Results

Right Brain (64%) The right hemisphere is the visual, figurative, artistic, and intuitive side of the brain.
Left Brain (12%) The left hemisphere is the logical, articulate, assertive, and practical side of the brain

Are You Right or Left Brained?
personality tests by similarminds.com

BLOGIVERSARY

2007-08-05T21:48:00.000+05:30

Confession! i really don like my title!This is my 50Th POST and wanted it to be special. i never think b4 i write as u all kno very well u've been readin all the crap on my head for the last one year!!!!!!! YES it is a coincidence this happens to be the day i started my blog last year AUG 5th 2006! Well first person i can think of is 'the Skeleton crew' if not for u man! i never knew wat a blog is or how to build it tech guru thanks not only for helpin me ... but motivatin me to write again to be myself again wen i almost thought i wud never!

Miss. BLIND whole lota thanks and LOVE to u babe without ur encouragement and words that said 'its ur blog u write wat u want' and ur 'fuk u better write more' attitude wen i gave up in between thinkin i cant write for nuts... ur the best sweet heart muah! VJ ....u ve been here all along from day1! to comment motivate and probably max hits on my blog is from u! esp givin honest comments and not just fake 'yea its great' for everything... u told me directly wen was actin dumb u told me wen i wrote good... my perfect critic! Luci-fer! or s8ntO (however u spell it) loves to lol at my most depressin blogs ..well but he makes sure he comments! and makes the topic feel lighter... thats really a great effort! thanks man! plz continue! don mind my impulsive frustrated replies.. n they don mean a thing! always liked ur comments! keep m comin!

Mr,B ! avatar da t a, wat can i say! on and off stormy we r .. but one thing we kno is this blog will bring us bak .. i ll b sure to c ur comment everyday! sometimes anonymous sometimes in diff avtars... hey u ve become a great writer i seriously think u shud start a blog! Sriram...asshole... always mocks me .. but was great inspiration (tho negative) for me to write about things i ve never sat n thought about .. well now as hes been a nice guy for sometime ..my stupid best friend... asked me to earn thro ad sense! well yea take the whole share not a penny i got yet! thanks da machan .. i kno i always take it down on u ... just that ur too close to say thanks ... feels odd! n hey rem its called POST not BLOG ok?

My frost friends esp Rums babe and mr.AA tho came in late in my blog's life have encouraged me lots to write esp AA, come on hes the biggest fan i ve ever had, can make me feel like a queen wen m in depth of hell!Appreciate it man! ;) but all my frost friends my baby sneha always told me not to lose hope and that m a gr8 writer! nice but dono if its really true tho.. Pointblack, very recent, but everyday visitor.. plz keep commentin babe ur an awesome writer i need ur reviews! Ravi? Where r u? used to comment a lot! not findin u anywhere.. u got an active blog was an inspiration to me wen i first started!

oh yea how can i forget all the anonymous people who jus come in once in a while and write and vanish without a name! that reminds me of orkut! (now u kno i actually don miss it! dont ya?) helped me get a lota hits and comments not anymore tho but a very good start...well orkut is a crazy world... and my orkut mates Prasanna and Arun where are u these days! start commentin again .. cant lose it just cos m not on orkut nemore! and last but not least.... BUSY PEOPLE who don have time to chek my blog and dono to fill in their name wen they post a comment (or don have time/interest to read and write on my blog)... thanks a lot .. 'your BLOG is a KIller' is a line that will stay on my mind till my last breath! PS: I hate the title still.. i used it dumb f***!

Now if i left anyone out forgive me ... i ve never thought so much b4 i wrote something and i wanted this to be a short post hehe! ok i am gonna finish! i really wanna thank my BLOG for helpin me get over so many things, relationships, open my mind, let out frustrations, show all my anxiety insecurity, trash it, bash it, screw it, fuk it, keep me occupied wen m empty and bored, open up without feelin guilty or afraid of being judged... it took everything for a year, helped me free my mind, atleast a little. A friend i can lean on anytime! Rems me i can write after all (although with a lots of errors!) and made me take up my lost career from scratch again! ....... Long live SANSMERCI!

THIS IS MY 50TH POST 365TH DAY AND I VE REACHED 5000 HITS and hows my renovation? i ve worked on it for the last 3 days learnin html from google with noone else's help! Can you believe it? Hope u can c the black blue green comby! an animated splash hit counter showin hits till now and hits on the specific day, a google searh box with an option to search my blog to find posts if you wanna kno my idea about somethin! Added some quotes here and there and made it look shud i say 'less depressin?' for a change! I still have a feeling i forgot to write about something! hmm ॥ hmm .. Hows my pic? n completed profile ;) Hey how bout ading polls? any suggestions?

Lets c ! Hope i live to c 2nd yr anniversary and be able to write till then but guys.............

Sansmerci will live on forever... cos she never actually existed!

MUST WRITE COMMENTS!

Found this in someone's blog u too try it on urs!

2007-08-01T17:52:00.000+05:30

HAVE YOU EVER.......

Smoked a cigarette?: Well .. do you breathe?

Crashed a friend's car?: Not exactly but have been the reason for the crash or so he says!

Been in love?: More than my share of pain i deserve ... one too many times truly madly deeply hurt in love

Shoplifted?: Many times wen i was a kid! it was my hobby .. swear not anymore .. i swear!

Sneaked out of your parent's house?: I bang the door and walk out sayin i ll never return atleast once a month .. and 'sneak in' in few hours

Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back?: Not exactly ... but yea depends on 'the feeling'

Gone on a blind date?: I stopped remembering dates..

Skipped school?: Yes always and i skip office too!!

Been on a plane?: Yea but been months since i ve been on a bus ...

Seen someone die?: Seen death! seen someone 'dying'! seen my most loved one ‘dead’! but never seen someone die!

Purposely set a part of yourself on fire?: Tried .... in vain as usual

Been jet-skiing?: I will NEVER!

Met someone in person from the Internet?: Almost all my friends

Taken pain killers?: Million times .. they kill no PAIN!

Flown a kite?: Tried to once wen i was a kid ... then my bro rem me am a loser never tried again

Built a sand castle?: Yea wen i was a kid .. wen I cud hang out in undies in Marina beach

Gone puddle jumping?: Does walking counts? i do it everyday!

Cheated while playing a game?: Cant rem.. don think so .. i believe in honesty ;)

Been lonely?: Wrong question! Rephrase: Ever been not lonely? NOPE!

Fallen asleep at work or school/college?: First let me learn to sleep at nite!

Used a fake ID?: ID no ... who can replace my pretty face? ;) trust me i never fake it :D

Felt an earthquake?: Yes! that too when I had a back bone injury! poor me

Touched a snake?: I wud die at the first site of it … so I haven’t seen one till now

Slept beneath the stars?: Lied/sat/watched ... not slept .. that word is off my dictionary

Been robbed?: cant think of any .. am too smart!

Been misunderstood? Yes always and vice versa

Won a contest?: A few in school .. other than that in writing yea

Run a red light/stop sign?: Yea lotsa times I don give a damn to them (unless there are bigger vehicles around)

Been suspended from school?: No i was a good gal back then.

Been in a car accident?: yea yea ... more of bikes but car too yea ;) am too accident prone

Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night?: Not an Ice cream person packets of potato chips feeling guilty will be my thing

Walked the streets drunk?: You are not supposed to drink and drive rite?

Had déjà vu?: often … nostalgic very very often!

Danced in the moonlight?: Artificial mayb [L] don rem .. yet to meet sucha romantic guy .. lost hope too .. boo hoo

Witnessed a crime?: Define crime ...

Been lost?: Ok u kno wat m gonna say! Lost and empty is wat I am always! So physically NO mentally YES!

Been on the opposite side of the country?: NEVER! Not very interested cant put up with their language and attitude .. still wanna c some important spots mayb someday in life!

Swum in the ocean?: I cant swim above 3 feet or shud I say below 3 feet! But I ve got close to getting drowned in the ocean more than once… no no I was sane … I think so..

Cried yourself to sleep?: Cried to myself yea .. what’s sleep?

Played cops and robbers?: I always play the cop wen I was a kid …what a dramatic change!

Recently colored with crayons?: Not used a pen for long … only keyboard!

Sung karaoke?: NO but I wish … wen noones there … I wanna sing IRIS someday on the mic :D .. stop giggling jackasses! I don think goo goo dolls wud mind!

Paid for a meal with only coins?: hmm.. don rem meals.. mayb in some other stores .. I rem givin a cheque for 1.25 dols once hehe

Done something you told yourself you wouldn't?: ALWAYS!

Made prank phone calls?: Well I made a guy propose t0 me on a prank call within 10 mins of conversation .. wat do u think? I was a Pro .. miss those days!

Caught a snow flake on your tongue?: 21 years I wanted to c snow and when I felt it I had nuff .. tongue? :O plzzzzzzzzzzz

Written a letter to Santa Claus?: Never … maybe I shudve .. noone told me bout it..played chrisma chrischild tho many times!

Blown bubbles?: I cant [L]… no pervert I am talking about balloons or bubbles .. watever..!!

Bonfire on the beach?: Nooooooooooooo, now this questionnaire is tryin to make me cry.. wanna do it once atleast that too with a fun crowd !

Cheated on a test?: helped ppl cheat … too lazy to ask for help wen I dono something

Gone skinny-dipping in a pool?: ;;)